Undone

Clap and say huzzah for me, I got an interview this wednesday! I guess our family is just on a roll between me and Dax. Maybe this means good luck for the Specialist and Mom!

Derringer meryl [lovin this] out

Woah, that last post was a downer. Sorry. I think being in the basement has gotten me down. That and the blasted patch I have attatched to my body to prevent babies apparently has been known to cause depression too. Fun, eh? I like the smart people who call themselves doctors. I love it more when they F*&% me over like they do. Oh like the one time they put me on adderal, and it felt like the united states of America was living in my head. All of them screaming and crying and unloading their worst fears. Tens of thousands of tiny babies crying. I hated that pill SO F*&^$#@ bad. They didn’t even realize that it was making me crazy. Isnt’ that great?

Next week Scott is taking me swimming. I wasn’t too keen on the idea, but he says I can get a new swimsuit. (Wahoo!) And I’ve been looking around. I like this new board shorts trend that’s been happening lately with girls swim wear. (I”m a google nightmare, I can tell you that right now) I like how long they are, and I like my shoulders and back so I’m going to wear a tankini, with long board shorts, and a halter top. Awesome eh?

I’m sure it’s some sort of fashion faux pau (Sp?) for me to be wearing it, but honestly, until now, I haven’t ever worn a swim suit I”m comfortable with, and Dang it, I”m gonna find one, if i have to mix and match my way to heaven.

So, If you know of any good stores, let me know. I know Shopko is having a 50% swimwear sale this week (wahoo!) but the shorts are harder to find, i think I’m going to have to go to the buckle. I love the buckle (It’s a secret addiction) it’s a store made mostly for people Antigone and Sukie’s sizes, but I can try, right?

Derringer Meryl [Swimsuit Mania] Out

Confessional

Lately I feel like when I post (when I actually do) I’m not completely honest. So here I go.

Being married is hard. Not between me and Scott, we’re still wonderful. Knowing what i’m supposed to do, being stuck in a basement for eight or more hours pretty much by myself. Writing over 170 thank you notes to people i’m not even sure Scott and I invited to our wedding. Keeping the basement clean, doing everything that i’m supposed to do, like i’ve been told. Doing what i was told is insane. I feel like my mental capicity to do anything but smile and make the bed is slipping away some times. (and none of this is Scott’s fault, my mom says it just happens when you get married) I don’t do anything but work and stay in the house. I admit to breaking down more than once this past week in tears. I can’t understand why it works this way, I should be undescribably happy. I can’t understand why now all my sadness is eating away at me. I should get out more. To do what? IT feels like so much needs to be done and I just dont’ feel capable of doing any of it. Incompentant. Each day I become more and more lethargic. I accomplish things, things get done, and i swear to you at this moment, anything that gets done is simply by the grace of God. It feels like my ADD has heightened…. I can’t sit through a movie. It doesn’t hold my attention. I don’t feel like watching Buffy. (and again I scream BUFFY) with some of the most tender Spike-a-licious moments…. I feel bad watching it. I want to wait and watch it with Scott, and we never have time to do anything…. or more like it, the only time i feel like doing anything is when Scott is around, and thus… *sighs* nothing gets done.

I didn’t even make it all the way through Roman Holiday. And i love Audrey Hepburn. I think she’s positively the most beautiful girl in the world. She’s stunning. I love Gregory Peck too, he’s just so… It sounds funny, but from a time I miss. (I wasn’t even alive, but I miss it) Everything seemed so simple back then. Brain-numbingly simple. I wish life was like that. Like pearls and a house dress while you vaccum. I could live with that.

I guess I should look for Jobs while i’m on the computer…

Derringer Meryl [unbalance and confused] Out