Undone

Chatting with Mandarin tonight i came to the stark realization of “I’m going to have to sit through an entire reception, that isn’t ours…”

You see, Scott’s best friend (whom i have no little name for) is getting married in less than a month. Scott is his best man. (wahoo!) Scott’s friend is great to him, and they’ve known each other forever and a day… so that all is grand.

But for those of you who know me, know that i do not handle large groups of people with any kind of ease. My therapist thought it would be theraputic to have me work in retail to help with the fear and panic i feel when surrounded by people… i guess it has a lot. I mean I’m not so defensive anymore. Like it used to take me five minutes and I was in defense mode (sometimes shorter amounts of time) I feel like scum though. Like I should just deal with all of that and stay with Scott. I dont’ know if His friend (and his wife to be) are having a real line or not, but if they are, its’ just tough. I mean, It’s like being in the same place as someone, but not being iwth them. What use is that? It’s like ditching your date at the Prom (I did that BTW)

And yes I felt awful about that too.

Sure, i know people won’t be mobbing me or anything at their reception (uh Duh) because it’s not my day. It’s just the hustle and bustle that i get caught up in, and it stresses me out, freaks me out, and i just get tired and I sorta lose control of myself. Not a good combination.

Like once I was at a party, it didn’t even have … like fifteen people, tops… and I was telling them to please be quiet. They didn’t listen. I told them that the next person to (I think it was) pop a balloon, i’d slap them. I guess that was kind of a warning. But I did it. I ended up slapping a really good friend of mine who (at the time) was about to go get surgery on her jaw.

I get testy. I don’t mean to. Really. *grumbles* I’ll talk to Scott about this all, I’m sure we can come to a resolution that doesn’t make me feel like the scum of the earth.

Derringer Meryl [Missing Scott] Out

[Songs Stuck in my head: Brick, Ben Folds Five; Brandy, Looking Glass]

It’s amazing how far you can come in a year. A year ago, I was fighting with Red, in a shaky pretty much one sided relationship (with who I still believe to be a great guy, just not for me.) I recap the depression i went through with that, and I realize that the only people who kept me moving, I haven’t had the chance to talk to in a while.

I do miss them. I miss Marco and Monkey, Guts, Mouth, Artemis, and despite my loathing of him, I miss Gert too.

For the longest time they were all i had. I dont’ understand why I care so deeply about these people, and so few of them care that deeply back for me. I consider Marco more than a friend, he’s a brother. That’s that. Monkey is possibly the best straight guy friend out there. Sure, I could talk to a girl about my boy problems (when I still had them, or had more of them) but why? I could talk to a perfectly sensible man about them, and he understands me very well. The Mouth and Guts are simply the funnest people ever. I think I wasted a lot of good opportunities to hang out with Guts. I wish I had. I miss them SO much.

*sighs* I think I miss how I could just pick up the phone and talk to them. Now it’s long distance on a phone that isn’t really mine, so I don’t want to run up the bill. I miss Friendjamin, who I don’t have any way of contacting.

I miss Red. We didn’t get to hang out much after she went off to college, and I think we both changed a lot too… I don’t know.

But I look back, as it is good to occasionally, and I don’t have many regrets. I regret Dating before i was 16. That was just a mistake. I regret spending so much time with J. He was so destructive to my self esteem, and Scott’s still working on repairing it. I regret letting my therapist manage my medication. She was wicked with boosting me to unknown heights. I mean she was good. Made me better, just by talking. THe meds were driving me insane….

literally.

Lets see. after recovering from my break up with Monkey, I was lonely. So I got what could be best described as a desposible boyfriend. I regret that in a way. I think it was a growing experience. I think it had it’s value as a relationship. It’ll help me when my daughter has to learn how to break up with someone. I’ll at least know how to do it sometimes… heh.

That boy would have married me if I hadn’t told him that I wasn’t interested. I was lonely. Makes me feel bad. in a way anyway…. Better than leading him on for years. RIght? It was sad. I have to admit i dated him only beacause I was lonely.

Very lonely.

Not so now!

I love that. I love the fact that as i’m writing this, I have a husband, and he’s at work, and he’ll be at home in four hours, and he loves me.

Do you know how insane that is?

That he loves me? I’m freaking boggled at the thought.

Derringer Meryl [Everywhere and No where] Out

The thing that worries me most about getting married and moving away…. by Derringer Meryl….

My parents. More specifically my mom. I love my mom. SO much. I don’t know if this falls in line with needing to cut the apron strings or what…. but i worry about her being at home with my dad. When i was there, I could at least comfort her with my presence… (wow that sounds cocky…) I could help her, and understand. Now i’m not sure what to do. I guess that’s the weird thing about moving away.

My mom has always been my best friend. she’s always told me what to do when stuff got tough, and …. i don’t know how to explain it. Mom’s just always been there. Always.

So it feels weird. Not to mention i worry a lot about her.

I worry that something bad will happen to her while i’m not there. That she’ll finally hit the point of no return with tolerance for my dad… I know she’s getting there. Most everyone does….

*sighs*

Derringer Meryl [Paranoid?] out

so… i’ve been married for… like four days…. and let me tell you….

i love it.

sure, it hasn’t all been peachy (already) like Scott and i went on our honeymoon and got really sick. (I got throw up sick, but scott doesn’t throw up anymore… apparently) He just got an aweful head ache. So I spent a lot of time wishing i was dead because of the aweful pain i felt in my stomach. (it hurt really bad) and Scott kept holding his head saying how much it hurt. (I imagine it did, really badly)

I’m getting better about things…. like my self esteem. i can feel it boosting, it’s great. I love feeling so good about myself.

and can i tell you, walmart is a scary place on a saturday. Very scary. i don’t like it.

We got scott some pajamas… they’re super cute… Oscar the Grouch pajama pants. it was happy. I’m So happy here. *yawns* and tired. Very tired.

I thought i’d update before it got too much later. … I’d like to say thank you to all my sibs (The Specialist, Dax, Wudan) and their wives (Antigone and Sukie) for being at the Temple when we got out. Oh, and special thanks to Luke. He’s super cute, and I loved having him there. Scott’s so thrilled that he’s an uncle now. 🙂

We’ll be up in the Valley tomorrow (for those of you who live there) and i just thought i’d mention that. I love you guys.

thanks so much to my aunts and my mom for all the prep they did. I appreciate it so much. I don’t normally say people’s names on here, but if I didn’t mention you specifically, i’d feel all sorts of awful.

So thanks Aunt Linda and Aunt Verdean. You guys are so great. thank you for the help with the reception and the quilts and the party and everything. I’m sure i’m missing like fifty million things you gals did for me, but I just want you to know i appreciate what you do for me. You’re great.

*yawns* must clean off bed. Must finish list of things i need to remember from home.

Derringer Meryl [Old Home, New Home] out

welcome to the butt crack of dawn! It’s my wedding day!!!!!

I’m so excited, and so very anxious. This day is only going to happen ONCE in my lifetime, and I want everything to be right.

Mostly, I just want everyone to smile and be happy until the pictures are done.

😀

Derringer Meryl [Not So Lonely, not for a while] Out