Undone

I had quite a nice day at school today. While for my first class I was tired and angry that i had make up homework, I’m just ready to throw in the towel and turn what is done without even trying. I don’t deem it necessary to take time to walk a mile and a half and take my heart rate and count my bloody calorie intake.

Why? Because it depresses me to think of how much fat and what not i’m taking into my body. My fitness philosophy for life: “I’m going to die. There is no evading that. I might as well enjoy what i’m going to eat. Sometimes I’ll enjoy a healthy salad, and sometimes i’ll enjoy a little debbies snack. and sometimes I want to eat so much processed cheese that i can feel my heart stop. I’m going to die a happy woman. yessir.”

So, I love my carbs, and I love tuna fish. So … i’m not gonna give that up. Sorry.

I have yet another odd confession. I’m pretty much technically illiterate. I complained about my sound being out on my computer for like a week (or maybe two) when it was just my speakers being plugged in at the wrong place. The only USB port i’ve ever seen is on the PS2, and i don’t know how to install hardware to my PC. *frowns* I know that I have fourty gigs on my computer *nods enthusiastically* I know how to program basic stuff. (not program in BASIC, just how to program basic website stuffage) I know that my mouse used to need a converter for my computer, i’m not sure it does anymore. *frowns*

The basic thing is that I’m afraid i’m being seen as more spiffy than I am. I write. I program HTML (in the simplest of manners) and I play video games…. sometimes I get frustrated and can’t play certain ones. LIke resident Evil. I love the whole thing– but i can’t run in the game. I really really suck at them. But I love to play. I’ve roleplayed before, online, based on an anime i watched. Often I get into these weird moods where I can only think bad of myself (i’m thinking i’m in one right now) and I can’t possibly understand why anyone would ever want to spend a minute of their precious time on this earth with me. And it scares me. The way I am. I’m so scared of loving someone because I know it hurts. The first time I told someone i loved them (non family of course) he said “You don’t know what love is.” I’ve kinda always doubted myself because of that. Always went back to that mentality when i got depressed.

And it seems like the highest of highs may be great, I’m just the pessimist that’s waiting for the other shoe to drop. For someone to say “I’ve changed my mind. Bye!” and at this point that would break me all over again. I’m so scared to open up to anyone, because… everyone seems to want to pick me apart when I do that. And I’m so scared that my throat constricts. I know the lows that come after being this happy, and I’m scared. I’m scared that if and when it comes that i won’t survive this time. That scares me. I’m scared that I’m gonna scare Scott, and thus it’ll just be some huge self fulfilling prophecy and i’ll be my own demise somehow.

and i’m tired of tainting my own happiness like this.

And oh blah, I just realized I have a psych paper to write for tomorrow. Crap-tastic.

Derringer Meryl [Great. Grand. FANTASTIC] Out

I should be doing my homework, but i’m distracted– thinking to myself about things. About my job and getting another and whether I should or not, and how i’m being a drama queen about it.

Mostly I’ve been thinking about how well i’m known for knowing love. I let my friends read some pieces of mine about love. They said it was great, said that i nailed it on the head. I suppose there’s so much more room for exploration of the sensation when you’re trying to figure out what about you is unlovable. Why you keep getting turned away from the opportunity to love. Every time, I knew i was setting up to fall. I knew the guys weren’t interested. Even when they said they were. They didn’t seem to be at the same place i was. The place where you think about someone and how you want to make them happy nearly every moment. (which i can vouch for being very distracting) and you just… want to be there with them. And I feel lost in all of this. Lost in the fact that Scott likes me, even admits to loving me. I’m shocked. Not weirded out or freaked out. I”m just lost in the sensation of being loved by someone who isn’t family. i just… dont’ know. I don’t know how to feel or move or act. I sorta feel like a deer in the headlights. A very giddy and smiling deer, but all the same.

The Mouth said I was all giddy and smiley today. he said it’s much more fun to work with me when I’m like that than any other time. Guts Agreed. Guts added that he wanted to meet the guy, and was willing to pay $150 in excess tips to get him to deliver a pizza to his house. *smiles* I laughed. I may have to tell Scott about that. Even though I think he may be reading this right now *shrugs* all the same, I think of Guts like an older brother. I’d really like to go get some coffee (or hot chocolate in my case) with him, so he can tell me some of his stories. I don’t think he knows how much of an ego boost he is to me when he tells me he likes my writing. Honest. It makes me very happy.

Makes me wonder when we’re gonna do something again (Scott and I)…. Blah, and as I think about that, it reminds me that i have a pile of homework that i need to do …. so off to work I go.

Until … well, later.

Derringer Meryl [Good day]

Feeling the pressure of other not so happy things happening in my life right now. I guess it’s the after Christmas sting. My family could use me to give up the ghost at Gamestop and work some place that pays me decent…. oh and works me decent hours. It’s just hard to find a job late at night, ya know? Most REAL jobs are during the day. I think i’m just gonna have to stick to school until after finals, find a real job, and work Gamestop and a real job at the same time. There just is no winning. I don’t like feeling the stress of needing money. If I wasn’t so sold on the whole society thing, i’d be a hermit and not need all of this crap.

It’s hard. Really Really hard. I haven’t saved a spec for college next term. I haven’t focused on anything really. I need to do something, ANYTHING to make up the difference. If I could, I’d work at a restaurant, but most places won’t hire me yet. I’m not twenty-one so I can’t work for them yet, as far as I know. Besides, I would have to ask Gert to make my schedule stable enough so I could actually get another job. Then there’s the question, when would i have time for me? Two jobs and full time school. Ick. I’d pretty much be cutting out any time i could spend with Scott or anyone else for that matter. Besides the fact I don’t know when I’d do my homework. *sighs* I can see the option of taking up sunday work at work, then i could get one extra shift in a week.

But…. I really don’t want to do that.

Blah. Onto other things.

Like happy things. I went to see Marco today. He says it’s nice to see me with a huge grin on my face. I have to say that it’s nice to be grinning this much. I like the reason that i’m grinning too. 🙂 I’m waiting to do my homework until later on tonight, i’m such a procrastinator, so i can talk to Scott while i’m doing it. 😉 it’s just so much more fun to do things when i’m talking to him, it’s funner just being around him. I smile and I talk, and I say things… and i’m just giddy that i met him, and that i know him. He’s different from anyone else i’ve ever met. It makes me smile, just thinking about it. Sorta makes all the bad things go away in life. It’s really … really…. nice. It’s wonderful. I don’t think i know words for how good it feels. 🙂 I definitely want to spend more time with him. Normally i’m a pretty shy person, but when i’m with Scott, i just feel like i don’t need to be. Like it’s okay.

Like I’ll be okay.

Anyway, I have a lyric Spew, I may have already done this one but i’m not sure i care. It’s Postal Service Which is one my favorite bands, groups, whatever. I’m not sure what they are. *nods* but this is their song Such Great Heights.

was thinking it’s a sign that the freckles

in our eyes are mirror images and when

we kiss they’re perfectly aligned

and I have to speculate that god himself

did make us into corresponding shapes like

puzzle pieces from the clay

and true, it may seem like a stretch, but

its thoughts like this that catch my troubled

head when you’re away when I am missing

you to death

when you are out there on the road for

several weeks of shows and when you scan

the radio, I hope this song will guide you

home

they will see us waving from such great

heights, “come down now,” they’ll say

but everything looks perfect from far away,

“come down now,” but we’ll stay…

I tried my best to leave this all on your

machine but the persistent beat it sounded

thin upon listening

and that frankly will not fly. you will hear

the shrillest highs and lowest lows with

the windows down when this is guiding

you home

Anyway, i’m flipping through some job ads, so I better keep my mind on that for a while. I might start my homework at nine or so, maybe. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [No Body Else] Out

as a precursor to this entry, i’d just like to say that as a Female member of my family (one of the two who were there for my childhood, that being my mother and i) I have been taught to use the word cute at all times when ever I feel … happy. Or when something makes me smile. *nods* I’m not like your other girls who say “Man, he’s hot!” Or “Whoa, he’s foxy.” In fact, you only hear these statements from me when … well pretty much when i’m talking to Red about guys, or about movie stars. *nods* With that said, I’d like to continue.

I don’t eve know where to begin. I suppose I should start with the annoyingness of my oldest brother and his ever so clever scheme to change my screen saver from “Burn” to “Meryl has a boyfriend” which really made me want to feel embarrassed, but at the time I was ill enough that I just felt sick, and not much else. And while I suppose having protective older brothers like Dax can be useful in situations of scary creepy people hitting on me at the mall, I’d also like to point out that hanging around for an hour after the movie you wanted to watch was over with me and Scott, was a little… uber protective. But then again, Dax mostly hangs out with me and my mom, so seeing another listening male, sorta makes him want to hang out more. *nods* i can understand that. I think Dax and I have bonded a lot since all the other sibs moved out. Though, when I was little I didn’t think Dax and I would be very close at all when we got older, I’m glad we did. I know that someday when I’m like fourty, and he’s like ancient (just kidding) we’ll still be hanging out, because I think we’re that tight.

I’m digressing

Right. It would have been nice to hang out with Scott Sans brother in the living room, but it was nice all the same. And I’ve learned over time that I’m one of those creepy people watchers, like the people who listen to your conversations in a restaurant, or watch how people treat each other, or just simple behaviorisms…. It’s odd. I actually transcribe some of it too. *nods* Anyway, I think it’s friggin’ cute the way that Scott keeps talking when he’s nervous. I usually have a simular problem, If it’s quiet I force a conversation, no questions asked. *nods* And my cat. *smiles* Okay, my cat has this notorious track record for being this huge jerk to guys who I bring home. (which I do a lot, because I feel the safest in my own home, which is ironic for …. so many reasons I can’t name….) ANyway, I have this severe case of avoiding REAL dates so I can just hang out at home and watch several seasons of Buffy or my entire DVD collection or whatever, just so i can be at home … *nods* I think it’s some sort of security issue again. Still, digressing. Cat. *nods* Right. So my cat bites. He loves to bite guys who i bring home. I think it’s his way of marking the ones he disapproves of. I’ve had guys who are great cat handlers, as they need to be because I’m so terribly fond of cats, and still get bitten. I’ve had guys tell me that my cat is the devil in one of his many forms. That kind of shocks me that i’ve been sleeping with the devil in my room for twelve years and i haven’t noticed anything shifty yet. Anyway, he climbs on laps and claws, and he pushes them out the door. He’s a bugger. Worse than my parents sometimes.

Tonight all he did was remind me of my curfew. It was slightly annoying, yes. Both the curfew and the incessant meowing. I don’t blame Scott for curfew breakage, because …. well i didn’t tell him. So really it’s my fault. But I really didn’t want him to leave. And we watched an episode of Buffy, and mom just slept, which she’s normally very… “It’s Twelve, Meryl, time for everyone to go.” Which was sorta nice that she didn’t… Instead Dax let it go till one, and .. well, still, it was happy.

Can I say that i’ve never smiled more in my life than I have these past few days? I’m nicer to customers, i’m more brilliant in class.

and I’m happy. I’m very very happy. And it’s like there are two million words inside of me which want to be spoken, or written, or anything… and I just don’t. I can’t think of how to piece them together correctly to make sense.

So I’m going to go to sleep now, so maybe I can make sense of class in the morning…. Maybe. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Grinning] Out

Wow. I went to my first D&D session last night, not without some grief from my dad. Which made me want to kick him in the shins… a lot. But then we got there, and watched some Invader Zim, which I previously had only HEARD about from other people, and I laughed. I guess I should have warned Scott, and his friends, earlier, but i laugh obscenely loud. It was a lot of fun. In a way i envy Scott for having a group of friends who seem so nice and very… just… well, they’re all very awesome people. *raises her eyebrow* makes me want to not introduce him to my co-workers… sorta. I don’t know how to explain it. I just don’t think most of my co-workers think of me as close of friends as I think of them. Except Marco and sometimes Guts. Guts never gets on my case for being different from everyone else, so that’s really nice. *nods*

I know what you mean about jinxing things. I’m afraid to get too excited about things, because just as soon as i get happy– something bad happens… The other shoe drops, so to speak. But I can’t help but smile. And I feel better about myself. I’ve came from a lot of relationships where the other person was just going along because they didn’t want to hurt me, and i’m afraid of that again… but I keep reminding myself, Scott approached me. And i couldn’t be happier. I feel like I could burst.

And sometimes I don’t like to talk about it, because i’m afraid the other person will be scared of my enthusiasm. *sad eyes* It’s happened before.

But I know I want to hang out and do something again sometime… 😀

Derringer Meryl [Giddy] Out