Undone

I had quite a nice day at school today. While for my first class I was tired and angry that i had make up homework, I’m just ready to throw in the towel and turn what is done without even trying. I don’t deem it necessary to take time to walk a mile and a half and take my heart rate and count my bloody calorie intake.

Why? Because it depresses me to think of how much fat and what not i’m taking into my body. My fitness philosophy for life: “I’m going to die. There is no evading that. I might as well enjoy what i’m going to eat. Sometimes I’ll enjoy a healthy salad, and sometimes i’ll enjoy a little debbies snack. and sometimes I want to eat so much processed cheese that i can feel my heart stop. I’m going to die a happy woman. yessir.”

So, I love my carbs, and I love tuna fish. So … i’m not gonna give that up. Sorry.

I have yet another odd confession. I’m pretty much technically illiterate. I complained about my sound being out on my computer for like a week (or maybe two) when it was just my speakers being plugged in at the wrong place. The only USB port i’ve ever seen is on the PS2, and i don’t know how to install hardware to my PC. *frowns* I know that I have fourty gigs on my computer *nods enthusiastically* I know how to program basic stuff. (not program in BASIC, just how to program basic website stuffage) I know that my mouse used to need a converter for my computer, i’m not sure it does anymore. *frowns*

The basic thing is that I’m afraid i’m being seen as more spiffy than I am. I write. I program HTML (in the simplest of manners) and I play video games…. sometimes I get frustrated and can’t play certain ones. LIke resident Evil. I love the whole thing– but i can’t run in the game. I really really suck at them. But I love to play. I’ve roleplayed before, online, based on an anime i watched. Often I get into these weird moods where I can only think bad of myself (i’m thinking i’m in one right now) and I can’t possibly understand why anyone would ever want to spend a minute of their precious time on this earth with me. And it scares me. The way I am. I’m so scared of loving someone because I know it hurts. The first time I told someone i loved them (non family of course) he said “You don’t know what love is.” I’ve kinda always doubted myself because of that. Always went back to that mentality when i got depressed.

And it seems like the highest of highs may be great, I’m just the pessimist that’s waiting for the other shoe to drop. For someone to say “I’ve changed my mind. Bye!” and at this point that would break me all over again. I’m so scared to open up to anyone, because… everyone seems to want to pick me apart when I do that. And I’m so scared that my throat constricts. I know the lows that come after being this happy, and I’m scared. I’m scared that if and when it comes that i won’t survive this time. That scares me. I’m scared that I’m gonna scare Scott, and thus it’ll just be some huge self fulfilling prophecy and i’ll be my own demise somehow.

and i’m tired of tainting my own happiness like this.

And oh blah, I just realized I have a psych paper to write for tomorrow. Crap-tastic.

Derringer Meryl [Great. Grand. FANTASTIC] Out