Undone

One week until my happy winter break freedom is ripped ever so cruelly from my hands.

Can you tell that i dont’ like school? I mean, i like SOME of it, and the classes i’m taking i really hope i’m going to like… i’m a little scared of one of them, my serious career class (on the third floor of the building i’m going to) mainly because i don’t know what to expect. It’s just… going to be interesting. I hope i don’t make some kind of fool of myself. I can see that seriously happening. But ya know… 🙂 Things happen.

I finally finished Silent Hill 3 which i have to say was possibly the most horrifying experience of my entire life. Most of the noises in it, are shocking, freakish, and don’t go away like you’d hope they would. The walls bleed in a frightening manner, and while you’d hope this is all an acid trip the characters in the game (the villians at least) proclaim the world of death and horrifying blood and gore to be one that “god” has created. I use god in the most loose of terms, not meaning the God that I worship, but the unnamed destruction loving raised and bred from hatred type of god that they mention in the game. Blah. Enough about the religion of the game, because it’s not really BASED on any REAL religion that i know of, or that is socially accepted in this world…. but the scariness level, is extremely high. Very little time is spent on the streets of Silent hill, which is nice because it’s hard navigating through the very thick fog of what is presumed to be white claudia… One thing that is heavily woven into the morbid tapestry of Silent Hill is the Hospitals. Especially Hospital Cruelty. and that coincides with the fact that anyone can be bought or lied to. Hence the fact that the girl named “Alessa” was kept alive though she was a heavily burned corpse for seven years… Blah. The storyline is complicated, and intricate. I do believe that’s why i enjoy it so thoroughly. I enjoy a good storyline. I love to be enthralled by a webbed story. Yes. A good story is what (to me usually) makes a good video game. Silent Hill (Either three or the rest of the series) is one of the best.

You know that phrase Speak of the Devil and he shall appear? Well, it’s not necessarily nice to say it to one of your friends. Cause i mean, being call the devil, otherwise known as the father of all lies, isn’t always… uh– flattering. But see, I have this mouth. It says things, and i don’t mean them…. Mou. I’m bad. I’m bad at keeping things inside that should be kept inside.

and the words I’m Sorry are beginning to be trite, and overused, when it comes to me and my friend. And that makes me sad.

But I can say, the feelings are gone. I’ve moved on. And I have someone who makes me happy. and then …

i’m going to look stunning. Not cute. Not pretty. I’m going to look gorgeous, fabulous and breath-taking.

And Taken

Derringer Meryl [Waxing Poetic] Out

Happy New Year! Isn’t this exciting? it’s already 2004! Amazing, i’m sure you’re just as amazed as i am. If you’re not, you’re probably reading too many cynical novels, or some such garbage. Relax. Even if life sucks, you should laugh, cause none of it is gonna matter later anyway–

Well, as was apparent from the influx of customers at the local places of Religious merchandise, it’s a new year, which means New Years Resolutions. I don’t have a ton…. but that’s because i’m trying to keep them fairly simple, so maybe i’ll actually follow them…. right?

Loose Weight Yeah, i was sorta inspired by Alanis Morrisette’s You Oughta Know, that’s what really got me to wanting to loose weight. Mostly because the song is about a bitter ex. I want to go back to every single guy who ever said no, and remind him, and make him wish he’d said yes. *smirks* I’ve done it before, I can’t wait until i’m skinny enough to do it again.

Clearer Skin – This one sorta coincides with the above resolution though, the Acne Perscription is sorta depressing me. I have to cut out every food I enjoy and like to get clear skin. I mean, yeah, I like olives, but i can’t live off of Olives alone. Or Celery, and the like. The only meat it allows you to have is fish, and i have a deep detest for fish. Don’t ask me why, I used to love fish, and most of the time the kinds of things i loved as a kid I love now, but for some reason, fish didn’t carry over. Not to mention I have to take at least thirty pages worth of vitamin supplements. …. I hate that. I hate vitamins. *growls* I’ll do it though. I might even end up eating Fish too. *frowns* I hate fish.

Religious Resolve – It’s my observation that my family is full of religious wishy-washies. Very few of them actually take a stand on their religion, and the ones who do, take the “I don’t believe in it” stance. This year, i’d like to do better on my “I do believe in it” Stance. Maybe i’ll get some new and better friends too.

Loving Myself First – Trust me, when there’s a bash Meryl line, i’m first in it. Heck I think i lead the barrages on my self esteem, though I have to admit certain male members of my family don’t help much. It’s not like i need help identifying myself as a complete dolt. *frowns* But I’d like to love every part of me…. including my flabby stomach, and thighs. *shakes her fist* we’re not best friends…. my thighs and I.

to add, i’d like to make my cat stop sleeping in my room at night since he seems to have picked up the bad habit of sleeping in there, and then waking me up at all hours of the night. That’s really no fun. Ohh, and …

Do better at my Job – I’m the queen of the store, but when all you’re doing is garbage and alphabetization, it’s not hard to be queen. And since i’m the only girl who isn’t management– it’s uber easy… But i’d like to do better so if Artemis or the Mouth quit or something, i’d be able to move up, instead of being overlooked again! It’s getting a little depressing. okay, it’s getting a LOT depressing. I am going to get a management job, if it’s the last thing I do!!

Thats all i can think of. I need to work on scheduling out my next few months — so i can figure out what nights i can work and which I can’t.

Derringer Meryl [Not so Anal Retentive] Out

So I randomly download songs. I dont know the artist, I don’t know the style, and i don’t know anything but a few key words.

and sometimes i stumble onto crap. Complete and utter crap. and other times, it’s gems. Something that makes me understand myself a little better, and removes a layer of protective skin…. Teaches me about myself. Sometimes people in the songs, say it in a different way, but it feels the same.

Different words, same meaning. Like someone who didn’t finish school, and can’t remember what they did go to thanks to the drugs…. saying how hurt they are from betrayal, compared to an English Major (Linguistics Minor) from Harvard, or Bradley saying the same thing, only different words.

Describing the same pain, feeling the same frustration for the lack of vocabulary– because no matter how extensive your vocabulary, there are always some words that just extend beyond the reach of human pain. The words seem trite and over used. Nothing to describe the anger that seems to fill you until it pours out your eyes, and there’s no way to hold it back– and you just want to be held, to make it go away–

but there’s no one there, to make it better. And no one tries to. It’s not because they don’t love you, it’s because they don’t know just as much as you don’t. That’s why the pain doesn’t go away…. Not until you accept it for what it is.

I was talking to friend of mine (who needs a nickname…), and he asked me “Why do you do that? Why do you see me as good, when I feel so bad?” and I told him, possibly the most profound thing i’ve ever said….

“People weren’t meant to see the good in themselves, but in each other. It keeps us happy, and it keeps us humble.”

I’m spewing off smart things. Ya know when it’s good to be happy? How it’s a good thing and not fake or anything? When you can still do things without being angry. I don’t know how to explain it in general, but i can do it in specifics to me.

When I write, I normally have to be in an angsty ‘i-just-got-dumped-and-i-couldn’t-feel-worse’ kind of place. I have to not be happy. Call it an Angel complex, because as soon as i get happy… my writing goes evil. It’s sappy, and romantic. And it sucks. A lot. So– you know when something is a good kind of happy, or at least i know i do, when i can still write, any way i want. Sappy happy stuff, or angsty stuff… without a problem. It’s great. I love it. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Compiling a list of Resolutions to share] Out

So you know how i’ve been complaining about how Kharma doesnt’ exist, and how i was fairly sure God really really hated me, and was actually punishing me for all of my sins ahead of time… contrary to what I actually believe– i was just PLOMing it. (Read: Poor Little Ole Me, also known as “No body likes me every body hates me, i think i’ll go eat worms” disease.)

And at the beginning of this new year, as happy and glorious and special as it is, i’d like to point out the ever so obvious…. Without the Ups, there’s no point in downs. it’s stupid. It’s insane. It’s frustrating. So what? Doesn’t that sound like everything else in life?

Sure, you have to drive behind some REALLY slow old people, but ya know what? You still get to where you’re going, right? You might get there slower, but so what? Who cares? There’s fifty million other things to be happy about, and you focus on the stupid things that are depressing.

And trust me, i’ve been into a whole lotta funks, I practically live in one– but then I sorted a few things out, and i’m not saying i know the secret to everlasting happiness, because HELLO, life isn’t a video game with a guide and things like that. There are no cheat codes and there’s no reset button.

Mou. Life is hard. But if it was easy, then we wouldn’t have people making money off of selling blogs. No one would read books, no one would bond in pain. No one would go to therapy, no one would want to be entertained, there COULD be no entertainment, No computers, no internet, no ANIME!

OH GOD MAKE THE EASE STOP! *giggles insanely* So I found a happy in my life. I remember a time when the Specialist had such a happy in his life that he chased it until the Happy accepted him.

I’m not saying that there are no down point. I”m just saying instead of looking down to them when stuff is good, keep moving.

I don’t know how to explain it. it’s a little crazy. it’s a little blurry, but… it’s good. And so… you dont’ try to puzzle about things when God gives you a blessing, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, you say “Hey, this is good. I like good. Good is Good.” and be happy.

Accept things. Love them. Feel them. And go from there.

Derringer Meryl [Feeling Philosophical] Out

Oi. Life hates me. Want to see?

Barbie is being sold at an insane price, here on Ebay, Mom says she’ll help me bid on it tomorrow. 🙂 Huzzah. 🙂 So, happy for that. Then, Inuyasha’s second part is being sold now. I thought i’d have to wait until February to get the newest one. I’m so excited. That means a whole bunch of Ram will be freed on my computer once I can afford that. Psh. *coughs* and THEN There’s Full Metal Panic (FMP) and Full Metal Panic Fumoffu (only the first eight episodes, but STILL) why does this all show up after Christmas?

Mou!

All this stuff, and I have books to buy. While some people say “Don’t buy them” But then again– i’m not very good at studying without them. HOnest. I have no work ethic. Not to mention– I sorta want to. So, tomorrow I’m going to go buy a basket load of books (nine) adding up to about $350. Fun, eh? And I’m excited, Just because I’m spending a whole paycheck, and then some.

Oi. And it’s not on anything fun, nope, just… stuff.

Derringer Meryl [School Prospects] OUt