Undone

Finals, Are done. Hallelujah…. praise the Lord, Amen. *nods*

Right then, on with the rest of the blog. *nods again* The Mouth and I were reminiscing about our first meeting, how i threw a copy of Herdy Gerdy Across the store and, not only knocked several things off their proper places on the shelves, succeeding in breaking the case quite nicely. He seems to remember assessing me as ‘a quiet, pure, Mormon girl’ and i saw him as ‘a complete jerk off’ (I didn’t tell him that, but it’s the truth…. that is how i saw him. heh.) Yes, most people see me as that. The good church going Ned Flanders would marry me if i weren’t so young, pure as the driven snow (before acid snow was around), white little lamb. Yeah, i guess that’s how i come off, and dang it, i sure do use it to my advantage.

The unfortunate thing is, i have a bit of a sailor’s mouth. After three years of public high school, you get a mouth like that. Actually, that’s a lame cop out. There’s a lot of kids in this great state of mine who come out of school just as pure as they entered it. What i really mean is After trying to FIT IN for three years at a public high school, you get a mouth like that. I admit, i bent to the pressure. It’s not drugs, it’s not drinking, and i don’t do it cept when i’m angry. Bad habit. I’m trying to quit. Honest. *shrugs*

Geek Check. I”m getting this tomorrow, it makes me all kinds of happy and giddy. *nods* Then i get to idle my birthday and Christmas times away by watching the episodes until my brains fall out. *nods* It makes me happy. *dances* YEs, my complete Buffiness, will soon happen. They release about two a year (or so) episodes. So one in July (or so, it might get bumped a bit) that’s the sixth season, and another in December, the seventh season, and POOF they’re done. Happies. 🙂 This is the last season on the WB, who were fools to give SMG and the rest of the crew, the boot. Joss was clever, to give it an ending that would have been fitting if the show hadn’t gotten picked up by UPN…. a fitting way for Buffy to die, but i’m sure everyone else is much happier with her alive the way she is– tho…. people were pretty pissed about Spike… People being me.

Right. He’s semi-alive now. Just as alive as he was before. *nods* Corporeal. Neat. eh?

Derringer Meryl [All I want is a Corporeal Spike] Out

*urk* Welcome to Finals Week. It’s not finals everywhere, some places may have finished finals, and others, well– may have not taken them yet (i know BYU hasn’t yet…) All i know is that mine is tomorrow, and i couldn’t be more nervous. I’m trying to remember a few key equations, and i”m just dying to have this over with. *sighs*

I can’t wait for something So much better to come along. I hate math, i dont’ know why i took the bloody class, but i can say that i’m glad that it’s done. Today though, i’m going to relax a little. First off, I’m not feeling too well, and i’m going to do something that’s rare for my blog, i’m going to not only lyric spew, but i’m going to break it down. Word yo….. Just as soon as i figure out what i’m lyric spew on.

I Love you, Sarah McLachlan

I have a smile

stretched from ear to ear

to see you walking down the road

we meet at the lights

I stare for a while

the world around disappears

And what could be more heart wrenching than feeling like this, and knowing that it can never be willingly returned. Why does life have to be like that?

just you and me

on this island of hope

a breath between us could be miles

let me surround you

my sea to your shore

let me be the calm you seek

I could be. I could be the calm you seek. I could be so close to someone… that it seems insane. I’ve been that close to someone before. It’s amazing the heartwrenching pain that courses through your body when they leave…. not just for a little while, but for good. The way you’re so sure that they mean the things they’ve said, but the knife that was so tactically plunged into your stomach is twisted and explores the inner caverns of your body when you see them…. so openly betraying you.

oh and every time I’m close to you

there’s too much I can’t say

and you just walk away

and I forgot

to tell you

I love you

and the night’s

too long

and cold here

without you

I’ve expressed this before. I’ve expressed how you want to say things to someone…. you want to embrace them and tell them they’re the world…. and you just… can’t. Someone once said it’s rarely a case of can’t and almost surely a case of won’t. But mostly, i’ve concentrated on how lonely the night is without the warmth of another…. you. Without You. (I’m not sure who you is yet… but i hope to find him someday….) But people seem so far away, trapped in their own little shells, afraid to feel emotions… afraid… because they know life isn’t a fairy tale…. and they’re afraid of how life will be if it doesn’t end like Cinderella’s….

I grieve in my condition

for I cannot find the strength to say I need you so

oh and every time I’m close to you

there’s too much I can’t say

and you just walk away

People do that. They just leave. And you have so many words buzzing in your brain that you want to say… so many things that would all sound so beautiful if you could just say them at the right time, and the right way …. knowing that the other person loved you simply and kindly as much as you…. and it makes me wince a little knowing that the words wouldn’t be accepted…. by so many. I don’t knowhow i do it. How i keep living after being rejected so often. *laughs* But here I am…. alive and a little worse for wear….. still helplessly falling in love. How sad.

and I forgot

to tell you

I love you

and the night’s

too long

and cold here

without you

And I forgot…. no… i didn’t forget. I never meant to tell you. I knew what you thought of me, from the beginning. I let myself be deluded by my dreams of fairytale grandeur…. You couldn’t accept even the simplest of affections. And that being the way it is…. and me knowing that you and i aren’t… we …. dont’ match up– then why is the night so cold knowing that you’re no where near me?

Derringer Meryl [A little Truth, a Little Fiction] Out

second lyric spew. I’m in an Inu Yasha kind of mood. Right?

Change the World, V-6

I want to change the world

Piercing through the gales, unafraid of anything,

Now I hold my courage and pieces of my smile

Change my mind

If we reach out to the soaring future

without losing our passion, we’ll be able to shine,

It’s wonderland

[Instrumental]

You’ve left something in the far reaches of the grey sky,

and you keep on searching

as you wander.

In the night when your heart shook, and I can’t see tomorrow

I can’t believe anything, and close my ears.

When I met you, I found my true place in life.

An innocent kindness is right here.

And so we awaken…

I want to change the world

I won’t hesitate again. If I can shape a future with you,

then I can fly anywhere.

Change my mind

I can spread my wings and fly towards the unknown future

without losing my passion.

It’s wonderland

[Instrumental]

We keep swimming the same world

until the day we reach our dreams.

All of us bear the same worries

When you stop and look, I’ll be right here

gazing at you.

I want to change the world

If you accept my gaze as I watch over you

and don’t let go of my hand, I can do anything.

Change my mind

I won’t let you be alone. Everyone is here.

Let’s pierce our way through whatever may happen.

It’s wonderland

[Instrumental]

I want to change the world

Piercing through the gales, unafraid of anything,

Now I hold my courage and pieces of my smile

Change my mind

If we reach out to the soaring future

without losing our passion, we’ll be able to shine.

It’s wonderland

Derringer Meryl [Without Loosing my Passion] Out

I don’t hate myself for it, I don’t see why I should, I’m best friends with my co-workers. They’re really my entire social life. That’s that. I don’t find it shameful as Artemis, Gert, Monkey and yes, even the Mouth are some of my closest confidants. It extends even to places I don’t work. Friends of Friends. J-bob, Dateless and so many more I haven’t even given little pet names to.

Then this one guy. I swear he lives to get under my skin. He insinuates that I’m lazy, that I’m lame, and that i’m the uber bitca or something. I’m not. I’m not lame, and I’m not lazy….

nothing at work pisses me off more than being called lazy. NOTHING. You might think i’m too touchy about the whole damn thing, but trust me– I take pride in my job, and that I do the best job that i can. Sure, sometimes I get warts burned off of my feet and I can’t stand quite yet, but i’m still there, trying to do my best, and I point out from across the room that something’s out of place, and this smart mouthed freak tells me i’m lazy. Doesn’t even give a flying rats…. *growls* that i’m in pain because i’m standing.

Then, he feels the need to tell me the flaw in all of my relationships is me. That I’m Lame and no one likes me. He likes to plainly, and painfully illustrate how i’m the downfall of the freakish human race.

and I? I would like to cut his tongue out and sew his mouth shut. No… I’m not bitter. I find that if he can’t do anything productive with the language that God Granted him, he might as well shut up. I might as well aid in that, seeings as how people don’t know when to shut up for their own good. Especially this guy. I hope he dies. I don’t want to aid him in that, but i’m sure he’ll annoy or anger someone until that point. I wouldn’t be suprised if he found himself dead in a ditch one day.

I don’t have enough malice in my heart to wish him dead. I just simply think it wouldn’t be hard to imagine him provoking someone to that point. I’ve decided MY best plan of action is just… crying. I’ll cry and ruin my make up and my entire life, so he can look like a freakish jerk and feel horrid.

I like to think so anyway. I guess everyone isn’t like Inu Yasha. Don’t you wish more guys were?

Derringer Meryl [My Tears] Out

Isn’t it interesting how everything gets all kinds of mushy at Christmas time?

The Specialist is feeling it. My dad isn’t feeling the mush, and I think he’s missing it. I don’t get mushy over him anymore. *shrugs* I’d be sad if he died…. I do admit that. I’d miss things about him– but sometimes his drama-y ways out weigh the goodness that i know lies inside.

Tonight, i went to see Elf again. Everyone at work was going… and for the lack of a better excuse, i went too. 🙂 I love it when they include me. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzily. Heh. I’m a dork. Anyway, Dad was a little upset that I didn’t ask permission to go. Since i’m eighteen, i didn’t realize that i needed permission, considering it’s my money i’m spending and Artemis’ gas money too. (as in she was outside wasting gas as she waited for me. :S) I guess that’s one of my rebellious things. That I don’t feel like I should ask to go. I don’t mind asking, but i don’t think it should be demanded of me that I should ask.

What i’m most sorry about is that Dax got ripped a new one because i didn’t understand that Dad wanted to talk to me on the phone. Sheesh. 🙁 Sorry Dax. I didn’t know that it was earth shaking that i was going out. I’ve been out before like this. With the same people…. Not like Dad keeps tabs on where I am anyway. Psh. Usually he doesn’t realize that i’m gone …. for a while. Like until Dinner, or Prayers. I have to admit, i’m a little miffed about that. I don’t expect him to have my schedule memorized…. honestly, I barely do– but it’s nice to be missed, and God, if your family doesn’t miss you, who will? (Do i always say that or what??)

I’m a whiner, I need some cheeze to go with my whine, I know.

But tonight… is not the time to be deep and introspective. I’m just …. tired. and I need to… eat something…. So, Yeah.

Derringer Meryl [You Sit on a Throne of Lies] Out