Undone

Someone should stand by my front door and screen what i wear before I leave the house. I’ve thought that before, since i often wander out of the house in my PJ’s and without my hair done up nicely, and i look a right horrid sight to be seen. But then– THis happens.

I had to hurry off to work for a moment to give Artemis some money to buy my LoTR ticket for me. She and I fall into the Geek check area of watching the movie at midnight when it opens. I count myself lucky to go– but more on that later…. It’s pretty cold outside, so I pull the only sweatshirt that’s clean out of my closet, and pull it on. I arrive at work, after a short five minute drive, and hand my money over to Artemis, and she comments on my sweatshirt. It’s a curious George one, I bought it two years ago, and it reads on the front “(heart) the monkey” One of the part-timers read it aloud, and then I final understood something… That wearing that shirt, was a bad idea. (I bet you thought that it was that I love Monkey, huh? You’re so wrong! of course that WOULD be the obvious teenage answer, but then again, i’m not the obvious teen!) I stuttered for a moment, and commented how i didn’t think of that before I wore the shirt to work.

It’s a mistake I won’t be repeating…. Today is Guts’ birthday. (Guts is a co-worker and friend– he has cute little nicknames for me, and he loves to make me laugh, almost as much as i love to laugh at his jokes.) I don’t know how old he is, but all in all, Happy Birthday to him. I should have made him a card. Shame on me. *frowns* I was supposed to go to Halo Night, and while I would have loved to– It seems like a bad idea. I’m not close with anyone in the group, and honestly– no one seems to care if i’m there or not. *nods* not to mention the right long lecture I’d get for going.

Which makes me wonder, why don’t we do bad things? is it because of the punishment, or is it because it’s wrong?

Faith in Buffy: I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I’ve got muscles you’ve never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you popped like warm champagne, and you’d beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don’t? Because it’s wrong.

Sure, Faith puts it a little… *coughs* crudely, but honestly why don’t we go out and give in to our baser demands….? Why don’t we sleep with everyone and anyone– kill who we can, when we can– hurt everyone…. To paralell Faith:

I could cut you. I could make thin gashes on your skin, all over your body, and you’d sweat because of the pain, and the sweat, would roll into those thin shallow cuts, and cause your entire body to feel as though you’re on fire that cannot be extinguished. Then, after your cuts closed, i’d make ten cuts diagonally along the closed wounds, reopening the original wound, and adding smaller but deeper wounds. I could stick needles underneath your toe nails, and make thick shallow cuts underneath your eyes and your cheekbones, maximizing the pain from the tears you’re crying by this point. I would make you regret every wrong thing you’ve ever done, not to mention the things you did to me. I could make you so sorry– and after i was done, i would make you live with it…. carefully avoiding the arteries.and you know why I don’t? Because It’s wrong.

*blinks* If you’re more than frightened, good. I’m not sure where i channeled that from, but i want you to know I’m scared too. *blinks again* my mind just knows pain, i guess. From months and months of hating someone (J, my first Boyfriend) I’ve thought of millions and billions of ways to make him hurt. Nothing extreme (severing body parts) as that would be too simple. Something permanent, that would teach him that I wasn’t to be stepped on. I dreamed of things like this. I guess that makes me — disgusting… I suppose. That’s why i stopped hating him. IT was killing me, more than it was hurting him. He had long before stopped caring how i felt. Heck, I don’t think he cared during the relationship, which he denies we had one. Makes me look psychotic.

Then again, so does this whole entry.

The point is, every person has dark, AND light. Some people choose to embrace the dark, and some choose to embrace the Light. And some choose to pull from both sides. Every person should be feared, and loved. It’s just.. the nature of things. But– can there be fear in Love?? Not really- but the fear is the natural thing, and the love is the unnatural.

While I have evil thoughts brewing in my brain sometimes, i do tend to lean to the unnatural state of mind.

Derringer Meryl [Reaching for Yin and Yang] Out

as if you hadn’t noticed, there’s a new Layout, I like it– and i find it an accurate portrayal of me. *nods*

I’m a walking relapse

I do things, things that i’m ashamed of, and i try to stop, but i relapse. I forget, and i do them again. Or sometimes, being a creature of habit, i simply do them without thinking at all.

I relapse into emotions, actions, habits, …. though i have to admit, emotions is possibly the one that kills me the most. Artemis, Mouth and i were talking (isn’t that a mouthful to say) about the kind of person we’re attracted to. Artemis automatically opted for saying she liked pretty-boys who were consequently jerks. I dont’ remember the mouth actually divulging what particular ‘type’ girls he likes, but i do remember clearly what i said….

Jerks My first was a jerk. I don’t mean the kind of jerks who beat you…. no, that’s more than a jerk, that’s an abuser, and he probably has a lot of complicated emotional issues… No. I mean guys who are sweet and nice and then– one day, it just goes wrong. It’s not necessarily their fault– sometimes it just happens.

*pauses to calm her tremors* I don’t know why but they’re particularly bad today….

Monkey was never a jerk — not intentionally. He meant what he said about wanting to stay friends, but after hearing it from a jerk, the phrase is ruined. It’s nothing against him, i think he’s a great guy– he just has that Y chromosome that seems to be rooting against him and his actions. And despite what I said before, Monkey doesn’t stare. I take it back, I retract that statement– Only Miroku stares… *nods* I hope that clears up any confusions….

Maybe Jerk is the wrong way to put things…. I don’t mean they’re rude… well… *blinks* well…. Okay. *sighs* I like guys i can spar verbally with. Quick wit, and sharp tongue (verbally speaking…) someone who can joke with me, and not be scared that i’m going to take his joke the wrong way. Of course, when the relationship ends, that tongue continues to be sharp…. *shudders*

My first ex said I slept with my Drivers Ed instructor to pass the class.

*nods* I do not kid. He told people that. He probably meant it as a joke– but… it didn’t feel like it.

and Monkey, he didn’t ever INTENTIONALLY hurt me. He was always very sweet– leaving nothing but good memories. I just feel like I should re-affirm that since I seem to be lumping all the guys I’ve liked as jerks…. Anything that hurt from him– was usually self inflicted. THinking about things too much, or having people say things … *thinks of how to say it* … the feeling that he didn’t trust me with information…. I guess is the best way to say it.

*raises her hands in a sign of surrender* I don’t mean to open this to discussion– This is my journal– and yes it is online, but… i’m not always ready personally to talk about somethings with others. *looks down* I’m not trying to be rude. I once again re-affirm that Monkey was the most positive relationship i’ve been in…. ever I hurt because I hurt. THat’s me. Not him. *nods*

*laughs*Then you take into account that i had a crush on Miroku, who is positively the largest Lecher that i’ve ever met in my entire life– My crush on J-bob (who only invites me to see Rated R movies which I refuse to see) and my crush on Gert, and my newest one that’s forming for …. *gasps* The mouth. *sighs* I figure If i’m more open about it–

maybe it’ll go away?

Despite the fact that he’s a jerk– i mean it too, he called me a bitch *grumbles* Of course, he said he was sorry after he found out i was offended…. and when Monkey threw the keys at work at me slightly askew and they cut my hand, he was sorry about that too… and he always seems to be challenging how I feel, and how i am. Why I do things, and Why I am the way I am.

It’s been a growing experience for me. I’ve learned new things, and I love that about people… I love that about spending time with different people, they highlight things you didn’t know about yourself.

Like spending time with Artemis has helped me understand my Dad a little better…. and she (even though I don’t approve) encourages me to lie to my parents… and i’ve learned why I don’t like to.

Because that is me. I don’t lie to my parents. It’s ingrained into me, and I don’t want to change that. It makes me unique that i can hang out with the people i do, and keep that. *nods*

and not seeing Rated R films– well… part of me longs to– but it’s not so much for the film that i want to go. It’s so that maybe they’ll accept me. i don’t want to go for the film, it’s paying seven bucks so that I’m cool.

and Honestly, when the day is done, Blood is thicker than water. My friends are friends, and I love them all, but … nothing goes beyond my family. I couldn’t betray my parent’s trust like that.

And i’m a goodie goodie, and it probably sickens you to the end of the earth– but ya know what? Sooner or later, that movie is gonna be on TV. So *shrugs* so what. It’s free, and I can record it…. legally.

Derringer Meryl [the not cool, cool] Out

*grooves to the beat* I’m all over the place in my moodiness. I don’t know why, and at this point in time, i’m not really caring, why i’m this moody. I love the power that comes with the mood swings, making people cower in fear that you’re going to bust out screaming…. yes, i do crave the power. Shame on me. *nods* i’m insane

Moving on…. I haven’t done a lyric spew– and this one is going to be Harder to Breathe, Maroon5 and i’m adding commentary, I like doing that. It makes me less lazy…..

How dare you say that my behavior is unacceptable

So condescending unnecessarily critical

I have the tendency of getting very physical

So watch your step cause if I do you’ll need a miracle

You drain me dry and make me wonder why I’m even here

This Double Vision I was seeing is finally clear

You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone

Not fit to tread the ground I’m walking on

Can I say, I don’t feel this about anyone. Honest. I just love it. Like i said, the powerof anger or any emotion is overwhelming, and i love the way it rushes through you, and it’s like, you’re not yourself…. you’re someone else, someone with super powers…. and you can change the world, or at least the one jerk who cut you off, or called you a bitch….. yeah,you’ll reform them right nicely with a pen in the eye.

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love

You’ll understand what I mean when I say

There’s no way we’re gonna give up

And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams

Is there anyone out there cause it’s getting harder and harder to breathe

Is there anyone out there cause it’s getting harder and harder to breathe

No. No one is out there. No one cares if you can’t breathe…. But i’ve found the moments in which you feel you can’t breathe, are simply the most intense. Even if you’re in pain. Once again…. not being able to breathe is a rush…. adrenaline junkie, that’s what I am.

What you are doing is screwing things up inside my head

You should know better you never listened to a word I said

Clutching your pillow and writhing in a naked sweat

Hoping somebody someday will do you like I did

Have you ever wondered if someone who is so completely innocent that they must be completely deliciously sinful knows that they’re manipulating you? it’s insane that you’d let one person have that much control over you, and your habits, and the way you talk and dress…. and …. oh good grief.

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love

You’ll understand what I mean when I say

There’s no way we’re gonna give up

And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams

Is there anyone out there cause it’s getting harder and harder to breathe

Is there anyone out there cause it’s getting harder and harder to breathe

Does it kill

Does it burn

Is it painful to learn

That it’s me that has all the control

Does it thrill

Does it sting

When you feel what I bring

And you wish that you had me to hold

If I screamed yes, could you believe me anymore? It does kill that i’m alone all the time. I’m defensive of it, and i’m lonely all the time. it feels like a million little knifes in my back when I see a couple kissing, and being happy together…. it burns to read of happy stories as people get married….. and yes, some people have every bit of the control. Every last bit– over me… and it excites me and it hurts and ….

i wish I had someone to hold.

Derringer Meryl [The thrill of the sting] Out

these are a few of my favorite things…..

Not anything warm and fuzzy, like Julie Andrews would say…. My favorite things are Fanfictions, friends, friends who review, reviews… Okay, my brain extends beyond that. I’m excited about my psychology class, and i wonder if i’m going to write papers for it. It makes me kind of excited *nods enthusiastically* I’m possibly the only person in the world who you’ll find being excited about writing psychology papers.

Of course, you’d be excited too if you had me analyze what type of automobile says about your life, almost any aspect of it. i’m so odd and obsessed with the stupidest things…..

Like the male mind. Being a girl myself, one cannot help but ponder what goes on inside their brain. I mean, I know how my brain works, slightly…. and i know that all brains are not the same…. and all that rubbish i’m always promoting…. but i want to know…. why guys do what they do. Girls are attracted to color and emotion…. boys… god I don’t know what attracts them other than breasts. Honest. I’m not trying to be gross, just honest.

that’s an annoyance to me. I’ve said it before, i find it slightly flattering when a guy checks me out, i mean the once over, and it’s appreciated. I do not enjoy leers towards my chest. I mean, it’s fleshy stuff, just like your legs, or your stomach. *shrugs* I really don’t see what the big deal is. What i absolutely loathe though is having them talked to. I mean having a guy (as i haven’t run into many girls around here who have done it to me….) talking to me, but looking at my boobs. The animeboi here (i like to call him Miroku in private circles) does it, Monkey does it, though i have a feeling it’s just because … they’re there. Ihaven’t caught the Mouth or Gert doing it to me, but i’ve noticed some guys are more tricky about it. Like they notice if you’re noticing, and they keep it short…. which i don’t mind. If i don’t catch you, then it’s okay… My personal opinion.

I’m sure most of my readers (who are family…. Specialist and Dax) are blushing their brains out. I’ll move on.

I’ve increased my AMV collection by a few more videos. It gives me a thrill to watch them, and i have to admit,one of my favorite things.

Julie also includes things she doesn’t like, and i’m telling you what i don’t like. Being mistaken for a thirty-year old woman with kids Yeah. I have no kids. Hell, I’m not thirty. I’m eighteen. EIGHTEEN. Nothing great. I’m a few years away from any of that stuff people think of when they see me. I’m not delicate, or lanky, or wan, or twiggy. I look like i’ve pushed out a kid or two (isn’t that sad?) It’s just the way i look. *grumbles* yeah, I look like i should go anorexic for a little while… somehow i don’t…. mostly because i know it wouldn’t help anything… besides the fact it’s completely unhealthy… i know i’ve gained weight since i stopped my medication.

damn medication. I’m allowed to say that… i’ve decided. It ruined my high school experience, it’s given me permanent (as far as i can tell) shakes, and i’ve gained weight….. Yeah, that pretty much allows for the damnation of an inanimate object.

Sometimes i consider re-medicating myself again…. except that means going back to my therapist… and i don’t want to. She’s nice. I admit that…. but it feels like…. a friend whore. I pay her to listen to me…. and help me. that for some reason, disgusts me beyond all reason. I can’t explain it– but it makes me ill. Very ill. Besides, I’m not as sick as i was a few years ago, when i started.

I’m not sure the therapy helped. I went to group, everyone else had serious problems…. none of them i can disclose or anything… but… real deep problems, and i was the girl who’s first boyfriend abused her– and she was in therapy. I felt — odd. I felt, wrong. I couldn’t help but compare– Some of those girls had deep emotional scars…. and i was just abused verbally. I mean, yeah, I’m fat. SO what? That’s what he told me…. every day… in a million different ways. And God help me, i loved him anyway. I loved him so much, i didn’t care about the pain–

until he was gone. Then I was angry… and i felt ugly. No, i didn’t feel ugly, i was ugly. I was disgusting, and vile. I knew it. He’d convinced me a million times that i was wrong…. that i was sick and the size of a barn…. and that he didn’t love me. He hit that one home quite nicely. and i gave him everything. I gave him my past, and the present, and if he had asked for it, my future. Not anymore though… I’m grateful for that.

I’m not as weak as I was before….

Yeah, but– those others…. wow. I felt stupid. Completely stupid sitting there as they told their stories. (You just heard mine) But it’s a problem i have… comparing. seeing who hurts the worst. I know i didn’t . I know that those girls needed to be there so much more than me.

I am broken– and no amount of talk can fix that. *shrugs* That’s just the way things are. I think I’m fine being broken. Being depressed sometimes…. feeling love, feeling pain, feeling everything. I’m fine with that. Feeling isn’t what makes me broken– the intensity is. I feel it, and i feel like i’m going to be washed away in the emotion. it’s crazy. And that’s what’s broken.

Me.

Derringer Meryl [My Favorite things] Out

Have I told you i’ve been collecting AMV’s? (For the uneducated, that’s Anime Music Video’s) I love them. I love the emotion that is so easily portrayed when you manipulate a song to a picture. And if a picture is worth a thousand words, think of hundreds (if not more) images moved together, with a singular song in the background. (Sometimes there’s more than one song, but i usually like the singular song playing) I have a ton of them, most of them from Inu Yasha. I find them useful in writing my fanfictions. Which, if you haven’t already, go and read Thoughts of Kagome it’s my newest pride and joy. I’m fairly sure i didn’t make up the writing style and simply stole it from Hemingway…. but hey, every writer has their own flair… right?

Most of the reviewers want me to write from Kagome’s Point of View. I can understand that. It makes sense– but for some reason… i can’t see what she sees. I mean, yes, Inu Yasha is droolably cute, and sweeter than the sweetest guy i’ve met in real life (and not as lecherous as most of the sweet guys…) So … i find it harder to write as her. There is no character to get into… I suppose i relate too well to Kagome to write from her point of view. i can’t look at how she feels objectively. I live it. I still need to understand how to write…. fact…. in a fictional way. I hope my college course helps me with that. *shrugs*

I’m off to roll out another demanded chapter. Soon I hope to write Thoughts of Inu Yasha Though it doesn’t have the same ring to it. Too many syllables.