Undone

I passed!

i wish i could show you all the official everything about me passing my Math class, but unfortunately, i’d give too much info about myself away! *laughs maniacally*

Yes, I passed my Math 101 class with flying freakin’ colors (otherwise known as a B)

Isn’t that amazing? I’m so excited….

I was talking with monkey tonight (technically the eighteenth) and we were talking about the Holidays and Gert’s sudden mood swings. I honestly think it’s because he’s romantically alone for the holidays. (Though honestly– he COULD be otherwise, but he’s just too dang stubborn for his own good. Ya know?) Monkey says it’s no fun being alone for the holidays– but I honestly have to disagree.

I’ve always been Happy at Christmas time (i’m Christian, I celebrate Christmas, so… there.) It’s my birthday (ish, a few days after Christmas) and it’s Christmas. Sure, I’ve never had a relationship like Gert has at Christmas, so i cant’ miss what i never had…. but– It’s just the way– *shrugs* I don’t know how to explain it– Christmas to me is about being a kid. Feeling like a kid. And when you’re involved in a relationship– that doesn’t promote kid like things. There’s serious things. Like commitment and Love and … devotion. I guess adults make those kind of things complicated. So maybe love is better at Christmas time. I don’t know.

Honest. I’ve only experience unrequited love at Christmas, so i wouldnt’ know.

But Since people seem to need some cheering up around this time of year, let me leave you with this: SakuraSaku Roughly Translated it’s “Cherry Blossom Blooming”

On the roof, looking at the sky, the sun’s light is warm and gentle

When I look at the sky my entire body is filled with energy

THAT’S SO WONDERFUL! I am living

I can’t quit it! I can’t give up

Good bye to the bewildered yesterday

My feelings are springing up

I can bring them up many times, let a flower blossom

Memories are sweet hiding places

Live to see another day

One day a blessing will come, Stretch out your hands

The sunlight that swims the sky over the roof is glorious

When I look up at the sky, happiness is filled throughout my body

THAT’S SO WONDERFUL! I am living

I can’t quit it! I can’t give up

Daily life is like an angry wave

A cycle of heaven and hell

I can bring it up many times, let a flower blossom

Run, run until you find love

If I was to suffer, let it continue

One day a blessing will come, Stretch out your hands

Good bye to the bewildered yesterday

My feelings are springing up

I can bring them up many times, let a flower blossom

Memories are sweet hiding places

Live to see another day

One day a blessing will come, Stretch out your hands

Stretch out your hands, Rise up both your hands!

I have that hanging over my bed here at home. 🙂 It helps me calm down when I’m all grump-i-ed out. I’m planning on giving it to Gert for Christmas with his present. :S I hope he understands.

Derringer Meryl [Memories are sweet Hiding places]

Like I said, I went to See LoTR. It’s great. I loved it. I loved going at midnight, and while the movie got started late, it was okay, because i made a potty run right before it started. *nods* We had our ticket stubs checked like… fourty times. I got trompled on by like… the same four kids, twenty times over. I wanted to yell at them… but i didn’t.

I don’t want to give anything about the movie…. but there were a few flubs, that were noticeable– but i’ll leave you to find them for yourself– I don’t want to ruin the movie! I had fun with my co-workers. A few of them dressed up, but not in the way you’d think. Instead of wearing the more traditional cloak and scabbard– they chose to wear decorated underwear on the outside of their pants. It was funny. One of them read “Which Way to Legolas’ Bedroom?” It was cute.

We didnt’ save enough seats– and the i ended up sitting with people i didn’t know– but were with the company and the Mouth’s ex girlfriend. *nods* The guy i was sitting next to found my “I Love you Sam Wise Gamgee!” and “I love you too, Mr. Frodo!” Bit quite funny. 🙂 i waited a while to use it– and in the meanwhile while my neighbor wondered where Aragorn got something from (a torch I do believe) since he didn’t have it before he entered a cave– I theorized he got it from his pocket, where all great heros keep everything. You can fit anything in your pocket when you’re hero. Grenade launchers and torches, and a various assortment of green herbs…. Yep, Hero pockets, they should sell pants like that for the average Joe.

*nods* The Movie was good. If I was in charge of Emmy Nominations– I’d nominate the actor who played Pippin and the actor who played Golum. they were both great. While I enjoyed Legolas (of course, he’s nummy, how could you not?) I agree with Orlando Bloom’s Position on his character. “He’s a Man of few words– he has to get most of what he’s saying across with a look.” And that’s what he does. A fine look, might i add. 🙂 So while he’s a great actor, i don’t think i’d nominate him for anything but “The Hottest Man ALIVE” award. *nods* Viggo Mortensen was good as well– he really stepped up to the roll, and you see his character change from the Ranger, to the King. It’s amazing. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Could it be any longer?] Out

Ohhh I”m off to see Lord of the Rings: Return of the King…..

Okay, that didn’t have the same ring to it that I’d thinkit would. *nods* Oh well. The thing is, it’s like, six thirty-ish, and i’m off to go stand in line. You may think it’s early for standing in line, but I find it oh so late. Some people from my group went to stand in line at one in the afternoon. Amazing, huh?

I’m glammed, I’ve got contacts, I’ve got Monkey’s SP which he so kindly let me borrow (thank you so much monkey!!) as well as a plethora of games which he also let me borrow (thank you again Monkey!) and several hours to sit on my butt and think about me, and why I am the way I am, a journal to write it in, a flashlight, cd player, cds, various junk foods to eat, and the newest Newtype magazine. 🙂 I’m SO ready. I’m loving every minute of being in line– and of the anticipation of seeing my precious….

Orlando Bloom. Yep, I’m one of the sick fangirls. 🙂 Sue me

Derringer Meryl [I drool at your feet!] Out

There are days, where you feel your lowest. To strictly contrast that, you have days where you feel your highest…. Most people don’t have those in the same day.

I do.

You can call it what you want. Bi Polar, Depression, Chemical Imbalance…. whatever you want…. i call it life. I don’t think it’s right to just muddle through, but I’ve been down the paths that the world seems to scream as useful and at one point in my life, i swore by them– but now, things have changed. *frowns* I’m not sad and depressed because of a chemical problem– i’m sad and depressed because of who I am.

I can’t get a good guy. Now before I piss off those of you whom i’ve dated before, let me continue. I can’t get a good guy TO STAY. and it keeps repeating in my mind, i’m not good enough… and that all of my relationship problems come from me. ME. I do it. I break things, and i make them bad. I do it. ME ME ME! Don’t try and tell me that’s not true. I don’t want words. I dont’ need your words. I miss a simpler time when i didn’t feel.

and I miss it. I miss being dead inside. I miss not living. I miss not caring about people…. and I miss not loving. I wish i could wish it away.

I wish I could not hear people. I wish their words didn’t sting and ring so true in my ears. and i wish that i could see what makes me so completely undesirable to the male sex.

Every guy says he wants a girl like me, interested in the things they’re interested in, but– they never…. I’m too much like a sister or a best friend…

Or there isn’t any attraction there anyway.

Say the truth. Say what burns. Say what you mean… Tell me i’m ugly tell me that i’m the fattest thing you’ve ever seen– i just want to know.

It’s insane.

i feel like my brain is fallin out of my ears and i’m not sure why I feel like sobbing– but I know i’m scary. I must be. Why would everyone run so? Am I that appallingly boring in personality that no one desires to speak to me?

Derringer Meryl [the answer is yes] Out

Antigone’s (that’s the Specialist’s Wife) blog is closed down now. It makes me sad, I really enjoyed reading it– But when her mind is set, it’s set, i guess.

Her writing seemed honest and extremely…. *thinks of the word* insightful. She works now, and so consequently they dont’ come down to visit so much anymore unless it’s a holiday. *nods* So it was nice being able to read what was going on, and learning more things about her. My mom always says “A son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is your daughter all of your life” Cute isn’t it? Well– the cute little saying pretty much amounts to the fact that my brother is my brother until he gets married. Not that my brothers and i were SO tight before that. Dating takes care of that.

Which is why i vowed i wouldn’t forget my friends when i began to date. Loosing myself in another person …. is dangerous… as well as very hurtful to those around you.

But I’ve vented about that kind of stuff before– today I’m going to focus a little bit more on Antigone. I was informed, that i was rude to her. Meh, that sounds wrong. I probably was. I was too old for how young i was acting. Ya see, despite what it should be, I was extremely close (in my opinion) to the Specialist. I stole his style, and his clothes, and (even now, to some extent) I want to be just like him. I wanted Antigone to be my sister-in-law, but as soon as they got engaged, (even before that, but i suppose I didnt notice as much) the Specialist stopped spending so much time with his lousy sibs… and I suppose i latently blamed Antigone…. i shouldn’t have, and i see that now. Maybe that’s how people got the vibe I was being rude?? I dont’ know. Maybe i’m just a really rude person underneath it all…

I apologize to her if I was rude– I was (and i still can be) very immature.

She and I don’t have a lot in common, except our love for Anime. So I found it interesting to read her blog. But I do suppose it was her choice to take it down….

*pats her blog* I love this one too much to take it down.

Derringer Meryl [My Precious] Out