Undone

*imagines herself at a pulpit with all of the men in her life, who ever did her wrong. You might recognize some of the usual suspects*

I’m better now. Better than i ever was before i ran into you. I’m stronger, I’m happier, and i couldn’t imagine my life any other way.

*turns to all of her former romantic interests* and you. I don’t need any of you. I’m perfectly happy without your love, or desire, or even lust. I’m great. In fact, i’m better than great. I’m fan-friggin’-tastic. I’ve found someone new, someone who loves me the way I am, who sees the person i am, sees that i’m broken, and loves me anyway. He doesn’t care about any of this shit you broke up with me for, hell, not even broke up with, rejected me for. And I see now with a clarity that is granted from God that every time any of you pushed me away, or turned away, or even laughed in my face, that it was your own freaking insecurities that you were projecting onto me. I hope you live a sad and lonely life–

you deserve it.

*turns to her most recent fling* and you. I can’t believe i spent so much time, poured so much emotion into a bottomless pit like you. I admit, you are everything that i wanted, but i somehow, in all my wet dreams, in all my endless wishing for something better, forgot to mention that i wanted to be equally desired back. I don’t know how i could forget that. I gave you my heart, and you gave me your hand. No… I guess you didn’t even give me that, you offered it and took it away, like i was some kind of five year old who would be amused by this trick. Like I’d wonder– what happened? Where did it go? and then when you extended it again, be simply happy with the fact you put it out for me to have again.

*returns to addressing the whole crowd* I realize that everything that happened between us, wasn’t completely your fault. I fantasized, and put you in that fantasy, and it wasn’t fair to you. That doesn’t excuse your reaction– no, your rejection. *whispers mainly for herself* I can’t count the times i wished someone would be waiting at my house for me with flowers. waiting. just waiting for me. but i guess i’m never good enough to wait for. *looks to her fling, still whispering* the times i replayed that night in my head, wishing i’d kissed you before you’d rejected me. and how now i wish you’d be waiting at my house, not even with flowers, i just want what little we had back. i just want the companionship.

*crumbles to the floor in tears* I want to take back all of the times i teased you, all of the bad things you didn’t like, i’d do it all over again, if i could just keep you this time.

Derringer Meryl [healing process] Out

I’ve fallen in love with Postal Service thanks to Friendjamin from work– 🙂 and this is my all time favorite song of theirs. Artemis says it’s the best break up song ever. And I agree. It’s not conventional– but still– good. Awesome, and amazing.

LYRIC SPEW! Postal Service, Nothing Better

Will someone please call a surgeon who can

crack my ribs and repair this broken heart that

you’re deserting for better company?

I can’t accept that it’s over: I will block the door

like a goalie tending the net in the third quarter

of a tied-game of rivalry

So just say how to make it right

and I swear I’ll do my best to comply

Tell me am I right to think that there could be

nothing better

then making you my bride and slowly growing

old together

I feel I must interject here, you’re getting carried

away, feeling sorry for youself with these

revisions and gaps in history.

So let me help you remember. I’ve made charts

and graphs that should finally make it clear.

I’ve prepared a lecture on why I have to leave

So please back away and let me go

I can’t my darling I love you so…

Tell me am I right to think that there could be

nothing better

than making you my bride and slowly growing

old together

don’t you feed me lines about some idealistic

future

your heart won’t heal right if you keep tearing

out the sutures

I admit that I have made mistakes and I swear

I’ll never wrong you again

you’ve got a lure I can’t deny, but you’ve had

your chance so say goodbye

Derringer Meryl [Ripping sutures] Out

Wedding Bells? Is that what I can hear?

Yeah, it is. My friend Hikergirl, is getting married this month. I’m excited for her, just because she’s so happy. I can’t help but wishing her the best, and I’m going to get her a present from me… just me, not my parents too. *smiles*

See– the year my brother and sister-in-law got married, i had a real rough time with them getting married– I wrote about it in here, I just can’t remember where i did, for the life of me. … anyway. It was way hard for me. and for some reason, I told her– I told her, this friend of mine. In fact I told everyone in my ward that i tried to kill myself. I don’t know why I did, and i still don’t– but i was walking back to the car to go back down the canyon (i wasn’t camping with the rest of them.) and she hugged me so tight– so tight… that i knew she cared. I knew it meant something to her– me living. We were never close– not like Red and I are, or anything, but we always had something– we’d talk and what not– and i wish her the best in her new life. The very best. If there’s anyone in this world who deserves it, it’s her. I never told her how much it meant to me– that hug– but you bet i will.

Life is made up of little moments– like that one — that make it worth living.

Derringer Meryl [If i could do anything] Out

So many things– that i just wonder about. I’ve been getting out later, and later at work….. especially when i work with Gert. I know i’m not doing anything that’s different, so i’m wondering, what’s taking so long? *blinks* eh…

and so much for the idea of “Don’t point out pretty girls in front of other girls.” yeah. Every (or darn close to it) girl who walked by our store yesterday got a “How you Doin’?” from Gert. *frowns* but what am i supposed to do? I can’t say anything– I can’t do anything– Good Grief. I can’t say “Hey Gert, I think you’re pretty funny, I really like spending time with you– and the bottom line is– i really like you.” No. Cant’ do that. Want to know why?

CAUSE HE’S MY FREAKING BOSS, duh!!! You can’t say things like that to bosses. You can’t say things like that to people you work with for that matter. Thinking you can is fallible. You’re wrong. and if you for some reason think “MY case is different, it’ll work out for ME….” you’re just fooling yourself– you delusional freak. Heh. *whispers* though i’ve wanted to give him the address to my blog here for a while…

Right-

Oh, By the way, Happy October!!!

I bought the first DVD of Slayers today. I should be getting my copy of Inu Yasha and DN Angel soon too (tomorrow, or friday) and so i’ll be in Anime Heaven. 🙂

Time to cook dinner. Oh, and because of my special friend — i get to stay home and watch Angel. 😐 Ick about the friend. Yippie about the Angel!! 🙂

Derringer Meryl [off to cook some dinner] Out