Undone

If you asked people “How Sexy am I on a scale of 1-10?” would YOU be happy with Seven? I mean, yeah, it’s above a five, which is average, but how could you be happy with a seven? I guess it’s better than a lie, I would know people were lying if i got any higher. *shrugs* I shouldn’t care so much.

Besides, I’m the one who says “I Am SO Ugly” When i look in the mirror, or “I need to loose weight.” Either one. So I guess it’s alright. Seven is better than what i deserve.

Derringer Meryl [I’m really more of a three] Out

2003-10-17 – 12:35 a.m.

You ever have those days where nothing PARTICULARLY sucks, but the day in a whole puts you into a funk. Like the fact that the perfect guy (personality wise) sits before, em and i just long for him to kiss me, or to show some interest, Or SOMETHING– anything– and then there’s my religion. I’ve said it once, i’ll say it again– i love my religion. I honest to God do…. it’s just a bit of a downer sometimes to say “He’s the perfect guy, but he isn’t LDS.” Friendjamin says I shouldn’t limit myself to a specific religion. But if there’s one thing i’ve learned in watching relationships crumble and wither and die– and such– that big things like religion, or kids, or money, usually causes the shit to hit the fan. (I’m sure there’s other big things, but i’m just not thinking of it right now.) Oi, think about it. THe first time I was in a serious relationship, he was the right religion, right height, right color of eyes, loved kids, but he was stingy with money. Sure, at the appropriate times, being stingy is okay. I mean, he was STINGY. as in he never paid for ONE date the entire time we were together.

Lets see, who was there after that… Oh. J-bob. We weren’t really ever together, but he’s the one who pulled me out of my sullen mess over the first one, so while it wasn’t an active relationship in the romantic, “we’re SO dating’ sense, it’s more of a — i liked him. A LOT. (Ahem, i still do.) And he was the right height, and he had this smile, and the sense of humor, and these dimples, and it just made you mushy. ‘Scuse me, it made ME mushy. Still does. I keep getting caught on the fact that he isn’t LDS. In fact, he’s very rebellious against the whole damn religion thing. He drinks, he likes pr0n, and i’m horribly in love with him. It’s like some sort of horrid thing where we torture (or I torture, whatever) myself by returning to see him, and i wish i could be that kind of person for him…. but that’s not a line i’m willing to cross. I’m just not.

Then, there’s Monkey. In the beginning, we hated each other, faught like friggin’ cats and dogs. But I always secretly liked him. He is LDS, but doesn’t go. He’s the right height, right smile, right words, …. wrong me. I guess. I can’t honestly place what was wrong with us. If there was an us. I’m a little hazy about that. But we’re still friends today. Mostly. I know i bash him about a bit in here. I really shouldn’t, and i feel pretty shitty about it afterwards. He’s an awesome guy, he does nifty things. He says the right things, at all the right times… *falls off her chair* how is it not supposed to make me feel bad that i was the wrong one this time? *raises her eyebrow*

In any case, i’m a disaster waiting to happen. Don’t give up on the things you want in a person, in a significant other. You’ll find it– and they’ll find you. And you’ll be happy. I just hope– that it’s sooner rather than later with me.

Red is coming up tomorrow (huzzah!!!) I have to take her about to meet new Co-workers, and J-Bob…. and basically i want to parade her like a friggin’ trophy. “Hi, My Name is Meryl, and this is my best friend Red, she goes to a real college. None of this Community college crap. Oh, No. She has roommates, and a dorm, and they cook, and she meets new people. *nods* Not like me, who stays at home, and shuns the touch of people.”

Speaking of touching people (smirks easily) dont’ get the wrong idea, this is clean. I thought i might explain why i hate it. WHy I wish it was acceptable to wear gloves 24/7 in society today– because my skin (like my sense of smell) is super sensitive. I hate people brushing up against me, or moving past me too close, and if you’ve ever been to the mall with me at Christmas time, you know what i mean– or if you’ve been to a Debate meet with me. I don’t go check postings. I stay back, I wait for the crowd to disperse– and if i HAVE to be in a large crowd, My arms instinctively lock so my fisted hands are underneath my chin, and my elbows are locked at an acute angle. I’m the type of a girl who reads something into touching. It’s an experience, I guess no one else has taken the time to notice. You can tell what a person does for a job by their hands. My hands are always so smooth and cold. People say “Your hands are so smooth, how did you get them like that?” I respond casually by saying “By doing no work.” And it’s the truth. I have upperclass princess hands. *blinks* I’m straying from the topic. My catchphrase back in the day (when I broke up with my first boyfriend) was “Don’t touch me unless it means something to you.” I’m not a fan of insincere hugs, fish handshakes, groping of any sort, or kissing random people…. Oh. And No Holding my hands. Don’t hold my hands. Don’t touch them. Not my fingers, not the palm, not the wrist. NO! *shakes her head* To me, holding hands is a bond. A promise. Not a forever promise, but a promise that says, I’ll be there. I’ll do what i can to help you through things. and we can do it together.

The idea of holding hands for the sheer thrill of it, or because ‘it’s what i’m supposed to do on a date…’ is shit. Complete, unquestioned, CRAP. You really like a person, and you want to hold their hand, you sure as hell better mean it.

Maybe i’m old fashioned, and a prude, and a freak– but if you felt everything that i felt when someone touches me, you’d want it to mean something too.

Derringer Meryl [Waiting for something– More] Out

2003-10-15 – 1:40 p.m.

*mutters* It’s true. SO FREAKIN’ True.

Where does freedom of speech end, and harassment begin?

I didn’t know what they were doing. I admit, i heard about this, how could I not? this is, after all, my religion. I am LDS. I love it. I admit, that like other religions, not everyone believes in it– but we seem to get beat on a lot for what we believe. I don’t think the world should PITY us, or anything– i think we deserve the same treatment as everyone else. We have millions of members, and still, we’re treated like some backwoods cult from Michigan that’s telling our followers to treat their children with snake venom– only we call it the “elixir of God.” No, we’re a Christian religion just as much as the Catholic church is. we don’t deserve to be the ass of someone’s joke any more than anyone else does. I have NEVER protested any other religion. Well, i guess that depends on your definition of religion. You want to be a Wiccan, go ahead, I really don’t care… feel free, you can do what you want. It’s your choice… but– don’t try and bring down some wiccan curse on me, because then i’m just irritated. *shrugs*

But I wouldn’t ever touch someones sacred items and belittle them. Never. Ever. I have a deep respect for other religions. I have friends who are Buddhist, Muslim, Catholic, Agnostic, and whatever else you can think of. Honest… We’re running a little low on Baptists around these parts, but as long as they agree (in pact, i agree to the same terms) to not trash each others religion, in fact, it rarely ever comes up…. i’m fine. I am defensive about my faith– and i don’t think it’s so much because I love it, but it’s because people have died for it. In fact, even people in the past who have fallen away (which is what we call it when people stop coming to church, or just leave the church all together) have never denied the fact it was true. I find that amazing. People have sacrificed so much, and i don’t think that NOW, in this day in age, when everyone gets what they want– when people who were once called Black, are now African Americans, and those who were once Indians, are Native Americans– and we seem to embrace so much that is different from ourselves– that we, as a nation, still reject a religion, Christian by all rights. And honestly– if this is what the United States of America is about, that after 200 years of boasting RELIGIOUS FREEDOM, they spit on the LDS religion, well i can tell you what–

Up yours America– I don’t want to be part of a nation like that.

I’ll take my sacred Garments with me too.

Derringer Meryl [I hate People.] Out

2003-10-15 – 1:02 a.m.

Up late, i know, Shame on me. YOu can beat me with a ruler later on, okay? Blah, I was just watching a little Love Hina in the form of a AMV (anime music video) to the song “I’m like Yeah, but she’s all no” It’s really good… 🙂

and i admit, i’m the typical girl, who watches Love Hina and says “Where The Hell is my Keitaro? Why doesn’t anyone love me enough that i beat them to a pulp and they still love me?” (Whether that beating is emotional or physical, doesn’t really matter in this case.) Then I think about it, how many Keitaro’s have i chased off by my abrasive words and actions, HELL attitude?

This is where the inner war starts… Good Me, Evil Me

Anyone would run away from the way you act. The way you act is completely condescending to the ‘Keitaro’ type. You’re rude, and you stop their advances before they even start.

But what is a ‘Keitaro’ boy without his ‘Naru’ Girl? Nothing? That’s the true test of his love, will he stand her abrasive attitude towards him because of his feelings for her.

Abrasive attitude? Excuse me, we like to call that abuse.

Good for you. In the end, Keitaro ends up with the girl who was just scared of her feelings, that’s why she was being rude to him. Besides, it’s not abusive, it’s self defense mechanisms. Naru is protecting herself from a particularly emotionally painful situation. That’s all.

I see. So what your saying, is that if a person has certain pre-set reactions to certain behaviors, it’s okay if it becomes abusive?

Shall we look up the word abuse? *coughs and pulls her Dictionary out* “Abuse: improper or excessive use or treatment.” Protecting yourself from what you precieve to be a dangerous situation is not abuse. She does not take advantage of the fact that he loves her– except that one time she made him spend all of his money– but that was because he asked her on a date, and then didn’t want to buy lunch…

Uh-Huh, Right, except that one time, she invited him into her room, and then punched him out.

His PANTS were around his legs. IT was sheer coincidence on his part, but still, threatening situation for Naru, and she reacted accordingly. As you are by protecting yourself from men. You know what they want. You’ve seen it before– it’s okay to protect yourself from what you perceive to be a bad situation….

Whatever. You’re on Crack.

I know I’m right.

Who would have thought it– the devil won again! 😀

Derringer Meryl [superiors all around] Out

…it was fun for what it was worth…

is that all that can be said for life? that it was fun for all that it was worth? I really don’t think so. I think that drinking and sleeping around (no offense to Mayer, who said this) is what life is all about. Sure. people do it. but i think life is all about love. Not free love, and lust and all that… Dont’ get me wrong, passion is a great thing… after all what Angel says about Passion, is more than true:

“Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping… …waiting… And though unwanted… …unbidden… it will stir…open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us… guides us… Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have?
Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love… the clarity of hatred… and the ecstasy of grief.
It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we’d know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank… Without passion, we’d be truly dead.”

truly dead. How horrid. Isn’t it amazing though, how many of us walk through life, living, but not alive. I can clearly remember when I started living. When I realized, that i’d be okay without my boyfriend (now ex for three years, hallelujah!!) and that he was using me, and that i was an amazing person who deserved much better. Remembering that moment in time, makes me happy. Makes me better than happy, freakishly elated, i’d say. It was like being reborn, without all of the odd ceremony or anything. That was the first moment, i realized that i was a person, who deserved more than to be kicked around and beaten on. and that i wasn’t the prettiest thing ever, but i was worth SO much more than what he treated me. *sniffles*

How DO you measure the worth of a person? Who am I to say someone is worthless, or not? I’m not– i’m not anyone to do something like that. In my experience, people are too often treated below their worth. Especially in school… especially in society– If you aren’t pretty enough, you’re valued below those who are pretty, and if you aren’t skinny enough, then you’re valued below those who are skinny. Or with men, If you’re not detached enough, or if you help around the house too much… God. It’s horrid. I figure, I should only worry about what God thinks of me, and no one else.

And God thinks me Beautiful.

Derringer Meryl [Happy 300 entries] Out