Undone

Drama Drama Drama!

First Marco Looses (misplaces) $600 at the local store, the one i’m supposed to start working at soon. Then i start to get uber cold feet. Marco is freaking out, i’m freaking out, and backing out. Then they find the moolah today. and i’m still wiggin’

I don’t know what to do. I feel shibby (If my last two entries didn’t already illuminate that fact) I’m going BACK on my medication…. sadly, and i’m so tired of everything. Blah.

So I may not be so crazy for games in two weeks as i thought i was going to be, right? I’m off to think about stuff, like … uhh… what i should do.

Derringer Meryl [medicating for the world] Out

Permanent Night time twitchies, orrrr

extreme depressive-ness. Hm. Choices. Oh. And if the chemicals balance out? Yeah– um– you still get the twitchies

going slightly insane. I can smell his cologne on me. …. and i hate myself. Every part of me, everything that makes me me.

i got the job. I got it by being fake. I hate it. I hate the job. I hate myself. I hate what i do to people.

I hate feeling this way. I wish i just knew. Knew how to act around him, how to live and breathe, without hurting someone. I wish– I wish I’d just stop. stop seeing, stop feeling, stop being all together. I dont’ want to die… I just want to cease to exist.

That’s alright, right?

I want to be forward. I want to be right. I want to know what it is i feel when i feel it… and then once i knew, i would make it go away.

It feels like i’m making my own life crumble on purpose with this new job. Like i’m kicking the last solid thing i have in my life out from underneath me. My friends leave for college, my friends get married (and engaged and what not), and my family seems… distant, like i’m not really here… and they all grow closer together, while i’m on the outside.

I won’t even touch the monkey situation, since i have no clue where it is. I hurt inside when i think about it though. I’ve done some damn shitty things, and he forgives me like it’s nothing.

I’d just like to stop existing now, thanks.

Derringer Meryl [periodic crying bouts] Out

I am so odd in how i spend my evenings, i could probably have my entire collection of poetry (personal writings) cataloged on my computer….

oh wait. I do. I’m currently at #211. Aren’t you proud?

I need to print them all off now. Hee hee hee. I’m evil. I’m going to have to buy a ream of my own paper, and my family’s printer a new ink cartridge. hee hee. I’m horrid.

Derringer Meryl [Odd, and Odder] Out

*dances* I’m off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz…. err.. something. I’m actually off to work in a little while (Hi-Ho Hi-Ho, it’s off to work I go…) and then I’ll be all hyper cheerleader girl on speed there. WAHOO!

Anyway I thought i’d drop a spew ‘fore i go. 🙂 Toad the Wet Sprocket, Good Intentions

it’s hard to rely on my good intentions

when my head’s full of things that i can’t mention

seems i usually get things right

but i can’t understand what i did last night

it’s hard to rely on my own good senses

when i miss so much that requires attention

have to laugh at myself sometimes

and i can see that i’m not blind

there’s little relief

give us reprieve

for all the things i’ve left behind

i’m positive that i’m not blind

i’m not afraid things won’t get better

but it feels like this has gone on forever

you have to cry with your own blue tears

have to laugh with your own good cheer

it’s hard to rely on my good intentions

when my head’s full of things that i can’t mention

seems i usually get things right

but i can’t understand what i did last night

there’s little relief

give us reprieve

imagining the world outside

i’m positive that i’m not blind

i can’t be hard on you

’cause you know i’ve been there too

learned a lot of things from you

but life gives little relief

give us reprieve

and when everyone is cold as ice

i clinch my fists and close my eyes

imagining the world outside

but i can see that i’m not blind

Derringer Meryl [my mind is full of things that i can’t mention] Out