Undone

😀 Right. So as of tomorrow, I’m a student at the local community college. Huzzah, yippie, i’m sure you’re thrilled for me. So what do I have planned for the last night of summer?

Absolutely Friggin’ Nothing. I don’t know… maybe i’ll hang out with the guys at Halo night, or maybe i’ll leave them alone so Marco and them can bond, because i have a feeling my estrogen just rots away at their bonding. *smirks* So maybe i’ll stay at home and bond with my brother with some Futurama (the problem with popplers is my favorite episode eVah!) make sure I get my shift off tomorrow night so I can go to my institute class (sorta scared of going to that one…. meep.) and go to my lovely Math class that’s right smack dab in the middle of the day. Huzzah! *claps*

i’m not too excited about it all, i’m more than scared, actually. I’m very scared. Mindlessly so. As in my mind has walked out on the whole deal saying “i’m sorry, i can’t take the worrying pressure.” and now i’m left senseless worrying if gnomes are going to steal my underwear in the night. Damn underwear gnomes.

Anyway. I know this is a short little entry, but I wanted to do a lyric spew of Don’t Speak, No Doubt So I am. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

You and me

We used to be together

Every day together always

I really feel

I’m losing my best friend

I can’t believe

This could be the end

It looks as though you’re letting go

And if it’s real

Well I don’t want to know

Don’t speak

I know just what you’re saying

So please stop explaining

Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts

Don’t speak

I know what you’re thinking

I don’t need your reasons

Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts

Our memories

They can be inviting

But some are altogether

Mighty frightening

As we die, both you and I

With my head in my hands

I sit and cry

Don’t speak

I know just what you’re saying

So please stop explaining

Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts

No no no, Don’t speak

I know what you’re thinking

I don’t need your reasons

Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts

It’s all ending

I gotta stop pretending who we are

You and me

I can see us dying

Are we

Don’t speak

I know just what you’re saying

So please stop explaining

Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts

No no, Don’t speak

I know what you’re thinking

I don’t need your reasons

Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts

Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts

I know just what you’re saying

So please stop explaining

Don’t speak

Don’t speak

Don’t speak

Oh, I know what you’re thinking

And I don’t need your reasons

I know you’re good

I know you’re good

I know you’re real good

Oh, la la la la

La la la la

Don’t, don’t, ooh, ohh

Hush, hush darling

Hush, hush darling

Hush, hush, don’t tell me ’cause it hurts

Hush, hush darling

Hush, hush darling

Hush, hush, don’t tell me ’cause it hurts

Derringer Meryl [TELL ME!] Out

Yeah. So, Um. Yeah.

Can I add a new stressor to my list, one that makes my sides twitch, and my stomach tie in knots, and make me feel like barfing….

Get new friends

It’s been explained to me that my friends won’t get me to heaven, but i figure God wants me to be happy,and i don’t know how being sad in the short run of life, will make me happier there. *shrugs* I plan on keeping Red, Marco, Staples, Monkey, J-bob, Gert, and whoever else might fall under the “not going to get me to heaven” friends title, as great friends, because they are. Sure, sometimes they hurt me, and sometimes I hurt them. Intentionally, unintentionally, in the end it’s all the same. It’s hurt. *looks down* Sure, maybe i should try and find a clientele of friends who don’t smoke and drink– but i thought God didn’t hate us, but the sin, and isn’t it more Godlike to love someone despite the sin?

I thought so.

Anyway. I’m going to Halo fun tomorrow, or whatever we happen to play. I want to be there, because i love my guys, despite what anyone says. And those who say, say I don’t have to get rid of my friends forever, dont’ have to toss them out with tomorrow’s trash, I just need to find more, who are running my way. I guess that makes sense, right? I wouldn’t say my set of friends is running the opposite direction, but i would say they’re standing on the side sorta… heckling. Basically, they want me to make friends who are progressing forward. I’m just not sure if I want to be progressing forward too. I mean, yeah sure, eventually, but right now? I mean forward for me consists of marriage, and babies. And that makes me eep a little bit. Wouldn’t it make you..?

If it doesn’t, check your pants. You’re probably a guy, or much older than me. *shrugs* Anyway, I have to attempt to register for classes at the institute again. I’m sorta scared to go. It’s one of those forward things. A grown up thing. I don’t know if I’m ready…. I’m not even sure if i’m ready to be graduated yet, and it’s a little late for that, isn’t it?

Derringer Meryl [nerve wracked] Out

Yeah, I went in and talked to the guy formally known as “HIM” (well he isn’t anymore because, he just doesn’t seem to make me feel the way he did once…. or maybe it’s because I’ve decided that i wasn’t happy torturing myself because I couldn’t have “HIM”, in any case, he’s just J-Bob now.) He’s still the same cutie he always was. But despite how cute and warm and fuzzy he makes me feel–

i’ve always been more of a one man woman…. I think that’s how I’m supposed to say it. I do miss talking J-bob on tuesdays while we worked. He was always SO nice to me. Kept me sorta… evened out.

*smirks* He loves kids and has these little dimples… and…

Nevermind.

People say absence makes the heart grow fonder– i think it just makes the heart grow more bitter. Like me? yeah. I spend time away from people I enjoy, and I get …. i was going to say angry– but my therapist says Anger is a secondary emotion and that you feel something before anger …. always.

i feel… sad. I miss people. some people make me feel happy.

some people like monkey. and then they don’t ever hang out unless red is around, and then I miss them… *shifty eyes* Right. This is a time where me not talking should happen.

Derringer Meryl [zipping it] Out

I hope this lyric spew, gets through to you! You don’t seem to understand the things I say. Guess I’m too veiled in what i try to do.

Vehicles Shock Me, By Ghost of the Robot

So you caught me all alone
Did you think I’d care at all
Now I’m sittin’ by the phone
Waiting for you to call

It rang a million times before
I picked it up
I wear a stupid smile
Sayin’ that I’m stuck
The effervencent beauty of a face so thin
All the stupid questions well they did me in

Who was I to think to tell
You drove a 2 – 0 – 0
Fake plastic trees are dead
Have a good time when you fall

It rang a million times before
I picked it up
I wear a stupid smile
Sayin’ that I’m stuck
The effervencent beauty of a face so thin
All the stupid questions well they did me in

Everything
Is upside down
Everything
Is over now

It rang a million times
When you lied to me
It rang a million times
When you lied

It rang a million times
It rang a million times
It rang a million times
It rang a million times

It’s your birthday
I’m not there
Because you don’t even
Know that I’m here

Fake trees you
Plant behind you
When it’s me there
Right beside you

I’m the shade that
Creeps your shoulder
When it hides your face from me, I Can’t get over
Can’t get under
Can’t get around or
Through to you, I

Can’t get over
Can’t get under
Can’t get around or
Through to you

Everything
Is over now.

Derringer Meryl [Listening to tunes] Out

*rubs her head*

It’s fairly late, if you can’t see from above… i mean it’s not the latest i’ve ever been awake, that’s for sure, but i guess the tired-ness feels different–

weary. Definately weary. Like the all over exhaustion…. like you just want to sleep… forever, because you aren’t sure you can take one more day like this….. One more day of smiling when it hurts inside, of saying that it doesn’t, and the pressure that people put on you.

And I have to say, all i want to do is escape from it all, and i can’t. it seems no matter where i go, i carry this weight with me. a sadness without words.

and it makes me feel gross inside that part of my brain is trying to say it’s monkey’s fault. I know i’ve been screwed up longer than that. the disgusting way i feel is me. It’s how i feel. all the time…. except when i’m with him. i guess that’s it. i’m just

a little unwell? no. well, yeah… but seriously– thinking that way sorta scares me, so i can’t imagine what it does to other people, like monkey for example…

i guess the deal is, i only know how i feel, and in the end, that’s what i see in other people … i think, if they are feeling any where near the same as me– about me, i wonder why they stay. Is it some kind of car accident, where you should look away, but you can’t? I don’t know.

*shakes her head* sorry. just a rough time right now. college pressures, my medication going bye-bye, and Red leaving for college, need to get a new job before my parents nag my head off, and something new just seems to add to the pile each week.

i’ve been uberstressed. I’ve been putting the bad vibes where they don’t belong…. *frowns and looks down* I’m Really Sorry Monkey.

Derringer Meryl [sink or swim] Out