Undone

Isn’t it romantic?

I didn’t think so. I just got finished watching The Prom, a buffy episode, and I have to say I’m bitter-ish about the episode, for several reasons….

1- Joyce– I want you to know that Joyce happens to be one of the worst moms who ‘claims’ they care about their daughter. I mean where is her brain? “Oh I know, I’ll take the man my daughter loves, and butt into their relationship. Not only that, I won’t accept her decisions, and her choice of friends. That’s the way to endear her to me. Definately.”

2- Angel– Breaking up with Buffy the day before her prom. What a great idea. Wonderful, really. I mean you’re alive for 243 years and this is what you learn? NOTHING? I mean, hello! Worst time ever to break up with ANYONE! Crap. How stupid do you have to be? Oh, Right…. brooding poof stupid.

3- Award Ceremony– Like any high school full of your average teens (which they are, if you watch Earshot.) would even remotely think about anything but themselves. They gave her an award. And Yeah, Buffy deserved it, but see I still run on the whole Elementary school valentines day thing–

If you don’t have one for everyone– then don’t give any out. THP! Screw them all. Nothing is fairy tale happy. TV makes America not only deluded but jaded.

S-o-O-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-O-R-r-R-r-R-y-y-y-y-y-y-y

Pshaw.

Derringer Meryl [Jaded, Oh So Jaded] Out

Random Random-ness

Isn’t it beautiful? My dream. Because someday, I want to be able to travel with my computer, all around… My house. *smiles*

I know, I’m probably some kind of traitorus Bitca, but that’s okay, because– I like the IMac, and the IBook. I like them both, because after a day or two of using them, they’re fairly easy TO use. *sighs*

Now, just to scrape up the money to get one…. *digs through the couches* Wow, fourty-five cents.

I just need $1,000 more dollars and I’m there.

I’m a big dreamer eh? Anyway, I just love it– don’t you?

This one has color, but I enjoy both of them.

Maybe I could go to some little college town, and find one that some college kid has… uhh pawned? Nah. I’ll just have my brother (after he’s done complaining that I’m the devil for wanting an Ibook) price one for me, and find it for a good price.

I always wanted a lap top, even when I was little. THey make you just want to lean over to whom ever is typing, and smack the screen down on their fingers….. *sigh*

Derringer Meryl [Random thought pattern] Out

I fell in love with this song, even though it’s country (ish) sounding. But– Well.

I’m a complex person. I like someone and at the same time, I feel a hate and contempt towards them that cannot even been described with words– and it’s not even possible to understand, because there is no apparent reason for the hate.

Well thanks Sheryl Crow, and Kid Rock–

Livin’ my life in a slow hell

Different girl every night at the hotel

I aint seen the sun shine in 3 damn days

Been fuelin’ up on cocaine and whisky

Wish I had a good girl to miss me

Lord I wonder if I’ll ever change my ways

I put your picture away

Sat down and cried the day

I can’t look at you while I’m lyin’ next to her

I put your picture away, sat down and cried today

I can’t look at you while I’m lyin’ next to her

I called you lastnight in the hotel

Everyone knows but they wont tell

But their half hearted smiles tell me

Somethin’ just ain’t right

I been waitin’ on you for a long time

Fuelin’ up on heartaches and cheap wine

I ain’t heard from you in 3 damn nights

I put your picture away

I wonder where you been

I can’t look at you while I’m lyin’ next to him

I put your picture away

I wonder where you been

I can’t look at you while I’m lyin’ next to him

I saw ya yesterday with an old friend

It was the same ole same “how have you been”

Since you been gone my worlds been dark & grey

You reminded me of brighter days

I hoped you were comin’ home to stay

I was head of the church

I was off to drink you away

I thought about you for a long time

Can’t seem to get you off my mind

I can’t nderstand why we’re living life this way

I found your picture today

I swear I’ll change my ways

I just called to say I want you to come back home

I found your picture today

I swear I’ll change my ways

I just called to say I want you to come back home

I just called to say, I love you come back home

How many pictures have I put away?

Too many– I’m sure. I do not plan to find them again.

Derringer Meryl [I stumble over my words like] Out

I’m full of Shippy longing.

I finally finished Love Hina One of the most romantic anime’s ever. At first glance, not really, but it definately deserves a second look. Honest.

Then I’ve been watching What I Really Meant To Say Buffy Music Video. I hope tomorrow’s ep is full of Buffy Spike Shipping. I’m dying for it.

Why?

Because it feels nice that the guy who gets kicked down, the one who everyone looks down on– the one that no one seemed to understand, is the good guy. Sure he did some cruddy things, but he’s trying to change, he wants to make up for it–

He wants to make things better with her.

I wish someone loved me enough– to want to make things better for me. it’s not a quality you find in many people now days. Heck, you don’t find it in people very often at all– but that’s the thing, they’re filled with love– or charity– and they do things, nice things for others.

I want that.

It’s funny too. That I get stuck as the under dog in every thing. I’m never the hero–

I’m the Xander, the Keitaro, the person who does good things, but always ends up looking like a freak– always in someone else’s shadow. I don’t mind being there–

I’d just like some sunlight sometimes.

My fingers are all pruney.

I just spent the last hour washing dishes as a deal so I could come on here and update. Hee hee hee. I did a good job, it’s not my fault that everything smells like vinegar (gack).

I was thinking about my older brother (sure I have a lot of them,just to keep you guessing) he’s only four years older than me. Well… three years and six months, but I figure, what ever. Anyway, I’m a devoted little LDS girl, I’m not ashamed of it. I love my religon (Before you flame me I adhere strictly to the 11th article of faith which states that (in Lay terms) you do what you do, I do what I do, we just let it go. k?) and I know it makes me happy. It might not do that for everyone– but I know it made him happy. It was one of those things you could see in his eyes, even when he was mad– or sad– that he knew it was true. That God loves us…..

Then — I don’t know where it all went wrong. I don’t know when he stopped believing it all– but I didn’t like the person he became. I still love him, he’s my brother, there isn’t any way I couldn’t. I just know that he isn’t — that he doesn’t

that he doesn’t feel right. He’s struggling. He’s confused. Because the rest of his family is LDS and he isn’t, and he doesn’t want to be on the outside, but he doesn’t want to go to a church he no longer believes in to make someone else happy.

All I know is that my older brother… the one who looks like my twin. The one who i’ve always looked up to, the one I strive to do everything right so I can be like him–

Can’t go to my wedding.

Sure I’m not engaged, or anything like that, hell, i’m not even dating much! But As I sat spinning in a computer chair today at the local store, My mom said: “That’ll be useful for when you move out” and for the first time really– it hit me.

I’m a grown up.

I have only a few months left of my life as a reckless kid, who stays out late and does things that are fun on the weekend, and — who doesn’t think about the concequences when they buy some stupid thing at the store. Then I realize–

I’ve been grown up for thirteen years now.

My brother used to stay out late, and made stupid choices without thinking about the concequences, and I saw how it hurt my family. How it hurt me. I didn’t like it, so I decided that I wouldn’t do that. And when he got his girlfriend (now wife, thank you very much) pregnant, he stepped up and took responsibility.

I was afraid. Dammit, I still am. Because– because we’re almost twins. We look so much alike it’s scary, I kid you not. Because I’m afraid of making the mistakes he made, I became my own parent. I told myself “Is it very responsible to go out and do things with people when you have homework?” and I got better grades. I said to myself “Is it really responsible to go to dances when that big test is on monday?” and I stayed home. I didn’t need my parents to ground me, or yell at me, or remind me of the concequences of my actions.

I did it myself.

I wanted to do everything right, every last thing. I wanted to take the AP tests he didn’t, I wanted to pass the classes he didn’t, I wanted to win the awards he didn’t. I wanted to be him, and better. Every good thing about him, I wanted to be.

I lost myself while playing his shadow.

Not to mention I’m a perfectionist. It’s not hard to take the tests he didn’t, or pass the classes he didn’t– but the awards, the glory. He was an editor, and went on all the dates to all the dances.

I didn’t wish to repeat the dances– that would take away from my academic glory.

But here I am at my senior year, and the world is rushing me out into life, into the world of uncertainty where you don’t have someone to hold you hand–

and i don’t have a path to follow.

It makes me nervous. I had my entire life planned out. I was going to graduate from the academy of Travel and Tourism, work as a travel agent through my college years, and then become an English Teacher for a high school.

Then My senior year happened. I didn’t like High school students, the academy became much too– well lets just say it was far too challenging for the beginning classes you take. The college I wanted to go to, and wanted me, was Catholic, so that was banned by a higher authority… ahem. So here I am.

I’m going to go to SLCC until I decide where else to go. What a plan.

Derringer Meryl [Game of Life] Out