Undone

Roller Coaster…

OW- Of love.

Okay, so you’re not getting the whole picture with this, are ya? Well ya know. I’m the singing type. (Thus the reason lyrics to various songs are always spewed amid random thoughts) Roller coaster of love is classic.

*swoons*

He said I could go to his barbecue. I CAN’T go, cause there’ll be drinking and we have ‘family’ plans, but i COULD go, otherwise.

COULD– as in, if I were normal instead of the peculiar girl I am, I COULD go and make out with who ever the monkey I wanted. I could go, and I could flirt, and I could talk–

*sighs* But I”m not a normal girl. I’m the whacky patacky girl who can’t do those things.

Cause I’m moral and upright and whatever. I just — wish that he could see me… see me for more than just some girl he works with who falls down a lot….. See me as — as…

As a woman- Someone he could date, and tell his stories to, and laugh with….

*meekly* and kiss.

is that so much to ask?

I suppose it is. My heart can’t stand this. I wonder if he sees me. It takes alot of guts to say some things… like: “What kind of relationship do we have?” or just the plain old confession of: “Hey, I really like you, and I would like it if you really liked me….”

Man those are lame. I’ll go wallow in hours of Buffy Fanfiction– and

and….

being lonely.

Today he was saying sometimes he misses dating people, well girls– you know.

it was all i could do to keep myself from saying…. “I could help you feel better.”

Lame-o

Derringer Meryl [You don’t love me, the way I wish you would] Out

Do you know how easy it was to find this place using google?

Dangerously easy.

Deadly easy.

Crying myself to sleep tonight easy–

I know he’s going to find it– and laugh, and then it’ll be like this:

Strumming my pain with his fingers,

Singing my life with his words,

Killing me softly with his song,

Killing me softly with his song,

Telling my whole life with his words,

Killing me softly with his song …

I heard he sang a good song, I heard he had a style.

And so I came to see him to listen for a while.

And there he was this young boy, a stranger to my eyes.

Strumming my pain with his fingers,

Singing my life with his words,

Killing me softly with his song,

Killing me softly with his song,

Telling my whole life with his words,

Killing me softly with his song …

I felt all flushed with fever, embarrassed by the crowd,

I felt he found my letters and read each one out loud.

I prayed that he would finish but he just kept right on …

Strumming my pain with his fingers,

Singing my life with his words,

Killing me softly with his song,

Killing me softly with his song,

Telling my whole life with his words,

Killing me softly with his song …

He sang as if he knew me in all my dark despair.

And then he looked right through me as if I wasn’t there.

But he just came to singing, singing clear and strong.

Strumming my pain with his fingers,

Singing my life with his words,

Killing me softly with his song,

Killing me softly with his song,

Telling my whole life with his words,

Killing me softly with his song …

He was strumming, oh, he was singing my song.

Killing me softly with his song,

Killing me softly with his song,

Telling my whole life with his words,

Killing me softly with his song …

With his song …

Dang I hope he can sing, cause I want to die to a pretty song.

Derringer Meryl [Killing me softly] Out

Life is funny.

Very Funny.

Hilarious really.

The twists and turns that happen to us everyday, can not be described in letter or on the screen, its just the way it is, sometime life is inexplicably predictable, and sometimes wild and unknown.

Right now I’m hoping for the unknown. For something just beyond my reach…. I can’t help but want a better rush than doing the same thing everyday.

Packing the same lunch

Kissing the same lips.

And going to soccer practice with the same kids, the same night of the week.

Is something new everyday unheard of…..?

Although as I think about it, Kissing the same lips everyday wouldn’t be bad. I would just require love, deep abiding love.

Good luck finding it.

I was thinking of asking…. HIM to the prom. Did I mention this already? Time flies on here, and mentioning this one way or another doesn’t matter

I don’t think I could ever do it.

Too scared. Rejection stings– like… like…

the fortieth lash on your back, and knowing that there are sixty more to come.

Burns baby…. like dry wood under a magnifying glass.

It’s inexplicable. Oh well.

I could imagine it…. I’d dress up pretty. The prettiest, and for one night

Just once.

He’d be my date. I’d be his date. And I could die happy.

*imagines dancing*

Here in your arms where the world is impossibly still

Everything seems to be clear, not a solitary thing do I fear….

Derringer Meryl [Dancing Queen] Out