Undone

I have finally made my choice. that while I have a major Jones for HIM I have to admit to myself, that it’s unrealistic, and something that is self indulgent and totally improper in the work place.

So if he moves on it, and somehow has reached this little corner of my mind exposed through the world wide web, then I’ll be happy– but since i’m a spineless old fashioned girl, he’ll have to ask me, i’m tired of being forward, so passe

Anyway- after being hit on by various customers in front of HIM, I’m wondering if I just look like a Bitca. maybe, but i’m hoping that after the line of dorks he’ll just sorta pop up.

and get transferred to another store, or maybe me, I could get transferred, but I don’t want to move unless he really wants to–

Shut up! Cha I’ve said too much.

I get confused by the motions of dating, and the rules and stuff. The day before I leave for college, before I quit I’ll walk right up to him and say “[Insert name], I’ve liked you for [enter amount of time since hired at work] and I’d like to just once have the pleasure of your company at a movie.”

OR some such drivel.

Blah

Derringer Meryl [down and] out

Life should be just like it is in Buffy the Vampire Slayer

You could nearly get your friends killed, and they move on without any sort of problem

I want friends like that.

It’s late

I have two meetings tomorrow

I’ll get rid of my issues there.

-Love Always-

Derringer Meryl

PS: Nay I shall regail you with my stupidity another day (Translation: I’ll tell you how stupid I was TODAY, TOMORROW!) Ta

new Background. due to my obsession with James, and the prettiness of it. i’m a basic girl, black or white, either way. It’s still the basic same one that I got from unsaid designs (to which I need to find a little link) but with a picture that i got from spikespotting.com

My favorite place ever.

I’m glad i’m going to therapy this week, I need it. I was a smart girl to schedule it this week too since girls state took alot out of me.

I was disappointed to find out that i couldn’t delude myself while I was there. No amount of convincing from myself could convince me that I was okay, and that I was happy to be there. I was miserable.

i missed HIM. I hate that I missed him. I hate to admit it, but i dreamed about him, and it’s killing me inside….

because all else i love my religion, and he could care less about God.

And that’s what hurts the most.

Because I can see myself truly being happy with him, but — and yet not. I would be in hell for all i had lost, falling from the sight of God.

And yet i’m in hell to think of myself without him….

WHich is all very silly and sappy and clingy– because there has been no sign from him that he even considers me more than an acquaintance. Someone you give small talk to until you have to leave for some pressing occasion that they are leaving to with their very nice looking girlfriend–

That breaks your heart….

Cause I feel so angry I feel so callous

I want to be more, and know that I can’t because —

because I can’t, and it kills me inside– kills me outside–

makes me want to die, because there is no place to go

So lost and confused

Lets start over Lets start over—

Derringer Meryl Out

Why do we have to hide all the time? I’ve noticed that we as a society are encouraged to hide our emotions and all sorts of silly things. Hide when we’re angry, or sad, or displeased, frustrated, anything that could be negative.

That’s annoying and stupid.

Take into consideration that one in ten rapes is reported. Isn’t that silly? SIlly… okay, stupid, moronic, asinine…. whatever. In any case I believe it’s because society thinks that a girl brings it on.

I have to say that I used to believe so myself. I was deluded and young, and I didn’t sleep much, or think. I’ve become now otherwise informed. Your right to say no is not taken away by the way you dress, or by what ally you walk down, or if you want to go on a date with a seemingly nice guy. You always ALWAYS ALWAYS have the right to say NO.

However in an addendum to that I must say that the women of the world should know that Men have out of control hormones. Seemingly nice men can be turned into odd and very scary people when their hormones take over. I heard it best said by my friend at work:

Men aren’t stupid, our hormones just misinform us

And while I would still like to believe that every man is the best, and a Prince all that…. I know it isn’t true. That may not be what they want to be.

A friend I met this past week asked me this question after writing wistfully in her journal:

Where is prince charming and why the hell isn’t he here yet?

I responded promptly: “He’s in his room drinking Malt liquor– Watching Smallville Re-runs.”

She laughed because she knew I was referring to HIM. I had to laugh as well just because I was so tired, and I thought it was next to the funniest thing all day.

Love and life don’t always mesh– not the way you want them to. Sometimes you can compromise them, and sometimes you have to choose– either way you have to make a decision, what to compromise and what to choose.

It’s your Life-

Derringer Meryl

Where do we go from here

I’m going to be out of town for the next week

Too bad, I can hear the tears coming from all of you–

Don’t cry for me— Argentina?

Anyway– I’ll try to update during the week, but it’s unlikely.

Love Much

Derringer Meryl

This isn’t real, but I just wanna feel