Undone

Feeling the pressure of other not so happy things happening in my life right now. I guess it’s the after Christmas sting. My family could use me to give up the ghost at Gamestop and work some place that pays me decent…. oh and works me decent hours. It’s just hard to find a job late at night, ya know? Most REAL jobs are during the day. I think i’m just gonna have to stick to school until after finals, find a real job, and work Gamestop and a real job at the same time. There just is no winning. I don’t like feeling the stress of needing money. If I wasn’t so sold on the whole society thing, i’d be a hermit and not need all of this crap.

It’s hard. Really Really hard. I haven’t saved a spec for college next term. I haven’t focused on anything really. I need to do something, ANYTHING to make up the difference. If I could, I’d work at a restaurant, but most places won’t hire me yet. I’m not twenty-one so I can’t work for them yet, as far as I know. Besides, I would have to ask Gert to make my schedule stable enough so I could actually get another job. Then there’s the question, when would i have time for me? Two jobs and full time school. Ick. I’d pretty much be cutting out any time i could spend with Scott or anyone else for that matter. Besides the fact I don’t know when I’d do my homework. *sighs* I can see the option of taking up sunday work at work, then i could get one extra shift in a week.

But…. I really don’t want to do that.

Blah. Onto other things.

Like happy things. I went to see Marco today. He says it’s nice to see me with a huge grin on my face. I have to say that it’s nice to be grinning this much. I like the reason that i’m grinning too. 🙂 I’m waiting to do my homework until later on tonight, i’m such a procrastinator, so i can talk to Scott while i’m doing it. 😉 it’s just so much more fun to do things when i’m talking to him, it’s funner just being around him. I smile and I talk, and I say things… and i’m just giddy that i met him, and that i know him. He’s different from anyone else i’ve ever met. It makes me smile, just thinking about it. Sorta makes all the bad things go away in life. It’s really … really…. nice. It’s wonderful. I don’t think i know words for how good it feels. 🙂 I definitely want to spend more time with him. Normally i’m a pretty shy person, but when i’m with Scott, i just feel like i don’t need to be. Like it’s okay.

Like I’ll be okay.

Anyway, I have a lyric Spew, I may have already done this one but i’m not sure i care. It’s Postal Service Which is one my favorite bands, groups, whatever. I’m not sure what they are. *nods* but this is their song Such Great Heights.

was thinking it’s a sign that the freckles

in our eyes are mirror images and when

we kiss they’re perfectly aligned

and I have to speculate that god himself

did make us into corresponding shapes like

puzzle pieces from the clay

and true, it may seem like a stretch, but

its thoughts like this that catch my troubled

head when you’re away when I am missing

you to death

when you are out there on the road for

several weeks of shows and when you scan

the radio, I hope this song will guide you

home

they will see us waving from such great

heights, “come down now,” they’ll say

but everything looks perfect from far away,

“come down now,” but we’ll stay…

I tried my best to leave this all on your

machine but the persistent beat it sounded

thin upon listening

and that frankly will not fly. you will hear

the shrillest highs and lowest lows with

the windows down when this is guiding

you home

Anyway, i’m flipping through some job ads, so I better keep my mind on that for a while. I might start my homework at nine or so, maybe. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [No Body Else] Out

as a precursor to this entry, i’d just like to say that as a Female member of my family (one of the two who were there for my childhood, that being my mother and i) I have been taught to use the word cute at all times when ever I feel … happy. Or when something makes me smile. *nods* I’m not like your other girls who say “Man, he’s hot!” Or “Whoa, he’s foxy.” In fact, you only hear these statements from me when … well pretty much when i’m talking to Red about guys, or about movie stars. *nods* With that said, I’d like to continue.

I don’t eve know where to begin. I suppose I should start with the annoyingness of my oldest brother and his ever so clever scheme to change my screen saver from “Burn” to “Meryl has a boyfriend” which really made me want to feel embarrassed, but at the time I was ill enough that I just felt sick, and not much else. And while I suppose having protective older brothers like Dax can be useful in situations of scary creepy people hitting on me at the mall, I’d also like to point out that hanging around for an hour after the movie you wanted to watch was over with me and Scott, was a little… uber protective. But then again, Dax mostly hangs out with me and my mom, so seeing another listening male, sorta makes him want to hang out more. *nods* i can understand that. I think Dax and I have bonded a lot since all the other sibs moved out. Though, when I was little I didn’t think Dax and I would be very close at all when we got older, I’m glad we did. I know that someday when I’m like fourty, and he’s like ancient (just kidding) we’ll still be hanging out, because I think we’re that tight.

I’m digressing

Right. It would have been nice to hang out with Scott Sans brother in the living room, but it was nice all the same. And I’ve learned over time that I’m one of those creepy people watchers, like the people who listen to your conversations in a restaurant, or watch how people treat each other, or just simple behaviorisms…. It’s odd. I actually transcribe some of it too. *nods* Anyway, I think it’s friggin’ cute the way that Scott keeps talking when he’s nervous. I usually have a simular problem, If it’s quiet I force a conversation, no questions asked. *nods* And my cat. *smiles* Okay, my cat has this notorious track record for being this huge jerk to guys who I bring home. (which I do a lot, because I feel the safest in my own home, which is ironic for …. so many reasons I can’t name….) ANyway, I have this severe case of avoiding REAL dates so I can just hang out at home and watch several seasons of Buffy or my entire DVD collection or whatever, just so i can be at home … *nods* I think it’s some sort of security issue again. Still, digressing. Cat. *nods* Right. So my cat bites. He loves to bite guys who i bring home. I think it’s his way of marking the ones he disapproves of. I’ve had guys who are great cat handlers, as they need to be because I’m so terribly fond of cats, and still get bitten. I’ve had guys tell me that my cat is the devil in one of his many forms. That kind of shocks me that i’ve been sleeping with the devil in my room for twelve years and i haven’t noticed anything shifty yet. Anyway, he climbs on laps and claws, and he pushes them out the door. He’s a bugger. Worse than my parents sometimes.

Tonight all he did was remind me of my curfew. It was slightly annoying, yes. Both the curfew and the incessant meowing. I don’t blame Scott for curfew breakage, because …. well i didn’t tell him. So really it’s my fault. But I really didn’t want him to leave. And we watched an episode of Buffy, and mom just slept, which she’s normally very… “It’s Twelve, Meryl, time for everyone to go.” Which was sorta nice that she didn’t… Instead Dax let it go till one, and .. well, still, it was happy.

Can I say that i’ve never smiled more in my life than I have these past few days? I’m nicer to customers, i’m more brilliant in class.

and I’m happy. I’m very very happy. And it’s like there are two million words inside of me which want to be spoken, or written, or anything… and I just don’t. I can’t think of how to piece them together correctly to make sense.

So I’m going to go to sleep now, so maybe I can make sense of class in the morning…. Maybe. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Grinning] Out

Wow. I went to my first D&D session last night, not without some grief from my dad. Which made me want to kick him in the shins… a lot. But then we got there, and watched some Invader Zim, which I previously had only HEARD about from other people, and I laughed. I guess I should have warned Scott, and his friends, earlier, but i laugh obscenely loud. It was a lot of fun. In a way i envy Scott for having a group of friends who seem so nice and very… just… well, they’re all very awesome people. *raises her eyebrow* makes me want to not introduce him to my co-workers… sorta. I don’t know how to explain it. I just don’t think most of my co-workers think of me as close of friends as I think of them. Except Marco and sometimes Guts. Guts never gets on my case for being different from everyone else, so that’s really nice. *nods*

I know what you mean about jinxing things. I’m afraid to get too excited about things, because just as soon as i get happy– something bad happens… The other shoe drops, so to speak. But I can’t help but smile. And I feel better about myself. I’ve came from a lot of relationships where the other person was just going along because they didn’t want to hurt me, and i’m afraid of that again… but I keep reminding myself, Scott approached me. And i couldn’t be happier. I feel like I could burst.

And sometimes I don’t like to talk about it, because i’m afraid the other person will be scared of my enthusiasm. *sad eyes* It’s happened before.

But I know I want to hang out and do something again sometime… 😀

Derringer Meryl [Giddy] Out

i changed out of my sick clothes to go to work last night. I inform you now that I am firmly back in them. i’ve been throwing up again (i’m sure you wanted to know) and i still feel pretty ookie. I didn’t feel as wiped out this time. It was almost like my stomach said “What are you doing? You fed me too much, especially since we’re sick!” and spewed up any extra stuff. Not everything, just extra.

Part of me says “YOu should take some kind of medicine, it’ll help” and another part says “You can do it without it!” and i’m just left here wondering, Sure I can do it by myself, no doubt.

The question is, will i feel better by tomorrow?

I shouldn’t have gone to work last night. the extensive stress put on me there wasn’t very helpful. I wasn’t very helpful. I was sick. I sat on the counter, and wished for sleep.

the thing is, i’m one of those “sleep laying down” people, and when i feel like this, I only feel okay sitting up (not standing though, whoo boy, bad idea.) I’m hoping that if i turn on some Slayers while the kids are gone I can catch a few z’s in the recliner.

I’m thinking sitting here and typing isn’t helping either. So… I’m gonna go … lay down. Er… whatever.

Derringer Meryl [Urk] Out

First off, not all Rollins Band Songs are good (in the lacking of cussing way). Not all of them are my favorite, and I have to admit, they probably all sound like me in one mood or another. My CD player is retarded, and won’t play them (is sad, dang it!) But I like what I heard, and this song really struck me.

Liar, Rollins Band

you think you’re going to live your life alone

in darkness and seclusion… yeah, I know

you’ve been out there and tried to mix with those animals

and it just left you full of humiliated confusion

so you stagger back home and wait for nothing

but the solitary refinement of your room spits you back onto the streets

and now you’re desperate and in need of human contact

and then you meet me and your whole world changes

because everything I say is everything you’ve ever wanted to hear

so you drop all you defenses, and you drop all your fears and you trust me

completely, I’m perfect in every way

’cause I make you feel so strong and so powerfull inside

you feel so lucky

but your ego obscures reality that you never bothered to

wonder why things are going so well

you want to know why?

’cause I’m a liar, yeah, I’m a liar

I’ll tear (rip) your mind up, I’ll burn your soul

I’ll turn you into me, I’ll turn you into me

’cause I’m a liar, a liar, a liar, a liar…

I’ll hide behind a smile and understanding eyes

and I’ll tell you things that you already know so you can say:

I really identify with you, so much

and all the time that you’re needing me is just the time

that I’m bleeding you, don’t you get it yet?

I’ll come to you like an affliction then I’ll leave you like an addiction

you’ll never forget me… wou wanna know why?

I don’t know why I feel the need to lie and cause you so much pain

maybe it’s something inside, maybe it’s something I can’t explain

’cause all I do is mess you up and lie to you

I’m a liar, ooh, I’m a liar

but if you’ll give me another chance I swear I’ll never lie to you again

’cause now I see the destructive power of a lie,

they’re stronger than truth

I ca’t believe I ever hurt you, I swear I will never lie to you again

please, just give me more chance, I’ll never lie to you again, no,

I swear, I will never tell a lie, I will neer tell a lie, no, no

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Sucker! Sucker! Sucker!

I am a liar, yeah, I am a liar, yeah, I am a liar

I lie you, I feel good, I am a liar, yeah

I lie X4 ooh, I lie, yeah, I lie

I’m a liar, I lie, I like it, I feel good, I like it, and again

I like it again and I’ll keep lying, I’ll promise

You want to know what. I’m gonna have to insert a bit of a rant here. Sorry for those of you who dislike rants. I’d like to hurt a lot of people who are being REALLY stupid. I”m a firm believer in the compassionate way is the right way. I’m a firm believer that making someone you love happy will make you happy.

Can you imagine how much it would disappoint my parents if I told them “Hey, ya, I was thinking, I want to be a bartender.” And I mean, it’s not about the drinks. I want to talk to people. I don’t want to be pretentious and hide behind a degree. I don’t want to hurt my family. I’m not the kind of person who would say “Screw you Mom and Dad, you gave me everything i ever had, and any hopes you have for me have been officially flushed down the toilet. sorry!” I just… don’t want to hurt them like that. I guess the people at work don’t understand that. Don’t understand what love is, or how it works. I’m not sacrificing much. In fact, I’m not really that serious about being a bartender. I don’t really care.

And what I hate more, is people who ACT like they understand. Act like they’re your friends, but ambush you when you don’t want to do something like them “What Meryl, you don’t want to go out and Drink? WHy not? Are you some sort of sissy follower? Your mommy and Daddy get mad?” I feel like smacking the ever so nice friends of mine who maybe don’t PARTICIPATE In the ribbing, but don’t stop it either.

Screw the pansy walking around it. I’m fetching pissed. I don’t care what you do with your life. Do it. Do what you want. Can you not have the same respect for me? Gert sucks (for scheduling me the wrong day), Monkey Sucks (for not standing up for me), Artemis sucks (for always making me feel substandard), but Guts doesn’t. He was gross (IMO) but i always find it funny when he says it. *shrugs* I don’t know why. I suppose it’s because he never directs it at me!

I’m tired of being a target because I appear innocent. I”m tired of being the one everyone goes after because I’m good. I’m not perfect, but i’m not an ubersinner. I’m not my parent’s puppet. I’m not THEIR puppet. All they want is their turn to stick their hands into my strings and play me. I’m done. No more. As I have been repeatedly told, I might have to tell them to stick it where the sun doesn’t shine. :S I’m no one’s puppet. Maybe some opinions that are strong have influenced mine– but I’m fairly “do what you want, I do what i want, and we all can be happy.”

Derringer Meryl [Spanking her inner Moppet] Out