Undone

I am, as tradition dictates, finishing up Dr. Horrible for the weekend. I will probably re-watch it tomorrow so that Katie can watch it with me. She usually does.

I will cover some lighter news before heading on to my more heavy topic. So we did do pictures today, Katie was rough. BUT I think we’ll have some wicked awesome pictures. We did get all of our to-do list done. Mandarin Loved her gift, which was a quilt, I will put up some pictures tomorrow. they are pictures taken with my cell phone so they aren’t SUPER high quality, but hey, some pictures are better than no pictures, right? I am absolutely exhausted from today. Scott can say so triple as he is often very very tired, and we went out walking around the garden. I had a lot of fun. I’m SUPER sore from it though. that just speaks to my physicality, right? Yeah I’m pathetic. On to the serious stuff.

This might be a bit morbid– Please if you are pregnant, plan to be pregnant, or are often made nervous by talking about serious subjects– please skip my blog for today

Are you listening?

Please don’t enter this haphazardly.

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A friend of mine via the internet suffered a still birth in March 2007, and while it was hard to see pictures of her wonderful son, and his funeral (hard for me personally) I can’t imagine people who would tell her to not discuss her loss. Maybe because I feel for her in a way. More sympathy than empathy– I couldn’t possibly imagine how horrific that would feel– but her baby (baby K I will call him) was important to her, and she is an important person to me, so I would never wish for her to stop sharing her story. It’s a hard thing to love and lose a baby. Complicated and rough.

(interjection here: I am fine in my pregnancy to my awares, however I am writing this post in a ‘every baby is a miracle’ kind of way…)

No one understands the pain that a mother (or a woman who was to become a mother) who has not felt that loss. I dont’ mean to deminish those who have not lost, but I believe deeply it is a pain only a mother can understand. It rocks you to the core. The fear of a lost child is earth shaking. No matter what state of life that child is in.

The title to this post makes me think of Pink Floyd’s The Wall But at the same time I’m really wondering if anyone is out there…

It is possible to comment. I wish I had a big Arrow pointing to them, but comments can be left by clicking the number UNDER the date on each post. Please comment? I’ll cry if you don’t. Since I”m pregnant– that’s not really that hard of a task.

I won an ebay bid for some maternity clothes. I’m super excited. I don’t really feel very comfortable talking too much about my pregnancy. I have a very uneasy unhappy feeling about the whole thing. I carry a lot of guilt about it. I feel like someone is mad at me, and honestly everyone says they’re not– so what’s my deal. I think I’M mad at me. Which sounds retarded, but I wanted to lose a lot more weight then I did. I wanted to be in a better place before this happened. But I can’t be upset about this, I should have been more responsible. Anyway. I just feel really guilty. I do. I just do. I even felt guilty a bit towards the end of my pregnancy with katie– but I don’t want to talk about that.  Let’s move on– and not focus on my guilty concious.

Tonight I’ll finish Mandarin’s present for the shower tomorrow, and then (in a whirlwind of activity) I will be going to IPG to get our pics taken by the magnificent Amy Lee (NO not the singer. Before you say it… NO.) and then we will stop and pick up a hack saw and Jig saw (If possible) in WVC and then bustle back home so we can pack up stuff and go to the shower. Poor Scott will probably be exhausted. I am hoping there will be a nice block of time between the shower and our photo shoot that he will be able to get some sleep in, also I’ll be driving tomorrow, so he can sleep in the car.

Scott usually brings home breakfast on Fridays (in tradition) I was pretty grumpy as Katie insisted on sleeping in our bed this morning. (This habit is not a favorite of mine, and is an EXTREME pain when Scott has the night off of work) I let her do it, and was ok for most of the night she conked out really well… I don’t know what’s so great about our bed– but in any case… I was trudging to the dining room when Scott asked if I had seen the corkboard and I told him no (I don’t usually check it unless I know there is a bill i need to pay stuck to it… So I went back and looked at it, and he’d bought me tickets to Twilight! Opening night!!!!

I’m so excited. He arranged for his mom to watch Katie and everything. So me and Drama Queen (if she’s available) will be seeing our favorite vampire novel turned into a movie on November 21st at MIDNIGHT!! I’m so enthused. Scott is VERY thoughtful, and sweet… I’m SO lucky!

Scott’s not a huge Twilight fan, so for him to organize for me to have a night out, I SUPER appreciate it!!

I’m SOOOO excited! GOOOO Twilight!

Derringer Meryl [Yay!!] Out

I think about wrting into postsecret

I never do. I wonder on occasion if each person I interact with each day is carrying a secret not unlike myself.

I know for a fact that many people have secrets that are deep and dark that make their smiles during the day hollow and fake. That the secret they keep makes them wake up each day and have to reconcile who they are and their place in this world.

Some people’s secrets make them feel like they have a badge of honor, invisible as it is. When really they just can’t see that everyone else is wearing one too.

Some people are those who are the creator of the secret– some people are the secret keeper, or even a victim of the secret.  Some people read too much into their secret, sometimes people take their secret too lightly.  Some people feel bound by their secret, and some people are so freed and satisfied by their secret, that telling anyone– is insanity. Selfish.

I think the main reason I will never write into post secret is that I cannot bear for anyone to know. Even annonymously, I fear telling might shake the universe in such a way that God might turn his head away in shame.

So i”m being dramatic. I’m trying to flex my literary muscles.  I haven’t written seriously, since before I met Scott. I find little or no motivation.  I wish I could find it again. I feel like I’m searching in a pitch black cave for a diamond. While my writing is no where near as valuable to the world, it is even more so valuable than  that to me.  Some days I feel so inspired I Might burst from holding it in. But there is this dam holding all of my creativity back. At it’s root I would call it fear. I wouldn’t call myself in High School any where near fearless, but my writing was. I wrote my passion, I was inspired and introspective. Now any spare time is not spent self reflecting, but cleaning, cooking, and care-taking. Life marches on. I don’t regret a minute of it, but i miss it.

On my way back to work this afternoon I saw a cyclist not obeying stop signs. I have to say I… people like that don’t necissarily DESERVE to be hit by a car (by no means)  But if you’re going to break the rules don’t bitch when it happens!

I’m waiting for a ebay bid to end. C’mon 8PM!  I’m really excited.

off to finish work!

Derringer Meryl [thursday is one of the best days] Out

I’m fairly sure cheetos are the devil. I love them though. That’s sick right? Anyway.  I’m going to try hard to keep my weight for this pregnancy down. Here’s hoping! I know it’s going to be tough this Holiday Season– so I hope no one tempts me too badly.

Last night Scott and I watched about the election for a while. I have to admit– I am not really awe inspired. I would have been downright horrified if McCain had won, but I’m mostly just.. Yeah, we did the right thing. I’m not all shocked that a man of African decent was voted in either. I’m glad our country is outgrowing it’s prejudices.

Scott and I were talking last night, we both agree that marriage is a religious activity– and shouldn’t be governed by the state. I’m saddened by the events in California. We also feel the same way about abortion– it’s a personal decision. I have always believed very deeply in agency of each person and while there are some things that are fundamentally wrong (stealing, murdering, rape, etc etc) some things fall into a grey area where the state, or the people within it are not able, and should NOT be able to make those choices for a person.

I usually perfer not to speak on such things as I usually have a nice way of sticking my foot in my mouth– So I’ll end it there.

Katie was HORRIFICALLY grumpy last night. Like REALLY bad. I got home from work and she was napping, so I decided to clean as much as I could before she woke up. I got the kitchen done and started on dinner when she woke up and began to scream. The screaming did not stop until I had her in my arms. She seems to be in some sort of chronic pain. I don’t know what to do for her. she has no fever, no signs of illness other than screaming and screaming.  Last night’s culprit seemed to be some gas stuck in her intestines, and if it felt like my stomach does when I have that problem, it’s like I have eaten glass and knives. I got her some apple juice (Scott made it for her, bless his heart) and tried to finish up dinner. Which was an interesting event as she wanted to be pinned between me and the counter for whatever reason. I did my best to ignore her,  while getting dinner ready. We had Shephard’s Pie, which was yummy, but needed a tad more salt. That was fine, Scott and i added it after it was done cooking. YUM! I’m not a genius at cooking, but at least the things I can make always turn out really well…. MINUS THE FREAKING CINNAMON ROLLS!! Which I might attempt again this weekend…

We settled down to catch up on some of my shows from earlier in the week and late last week after Scott had nodded off and I grew tired of watching the guys talking about the election repeat themselves a lot. Katie has discovered the volume knob on the stereo, whcih makes watching TV aggrivating. It seems like there isn’t much we can do that ISN’T aggrivating any more.

I’m really excited, I hope my friend Amy can do our family Pics ASAP (I need to get a date arranged, maybe the saturday after thanksgiving?)

I better go and be productive … 😉

Derringer meryl [love love love] out

Scott is ok, I didn’t realize people paid such attention to my facebook status. He was awake in the basement when i woke up at 7, but when i finally rolled out of bed for good at 8, he was not at home. This made me a bit worried, but like a cat that gets out of the house, I figured he’d return. 🙂 He got me a hot chocolate (yay!) and himself a soda.  He’s ok! I should have updated my facebook and not made my family worry, but he took the laptop to review the news and such (which is ironic as we were also WATCHING the news…

Anyway… Scott is ok. I caught HIMYM this morning as our DVR recorded it on the Analog station and the picture was crappy– so we had to download it. I need to re-watch Big Bang theory as I was cleaning/came home late as it was on. I didn’t cook last night as we did FHE with Lorna. We went (as Scott and I had planned) to Build a bear and had Katie build a bear … or Cat in this case. It kind of looks like twinkie 😀 LOL, We debated on what sound to put in, She really liked the jingle bell rock, but also she really liked the roar and meow. We went with Meow. We thought about clothes for the Kitty, but decided right now, that we probably better not 🙂  We sat down to name her — and I asked Katie “What do you want to name your friend?” and Katie said “KItty!” and she said it perfect. Scott says I better name her Kitty. So I did. Though to be technical I named her Kittie. 🙂 katie loves it, and hugs and loves on it all the time. She woke up in the middle of the night last night, and was crying (She actually did it several times) and so finally (in an effort to refuse baby sleeping in bed with us, it’s nigh to impossible to sleep.) I gave her the toy rocked her a bit, and then laid her down in her bed, and turned her sleeping music back on. she woke up and cried a bit more, but I just closed my door and let her cry, I need SLEEP.

It was a good night, and a suprisingly excellent morning. I was shocked to see The Specialist calling me, because we call each other about as often as… well.. As often as you see penguins hanging out with Polar Bears. But apparently mom called him worrying about Scott’s wellbeing… and he called me on my way to work. I wouldn’t have noticed except the fact that I was digging for my badge when my bag started to vibrate! Thanks for worrying. It’s nice to know people have my back 😉

Derringer Meryl [It’s been a long day and it’s only 10] Out