Undone

Within even hours of each other? I know, I’m crazy like that.

Also I want to annoy my husband’s RSS reader. Also. I found myself pondering a rather morose topic in the car while some good ole Nirvana on the way back from work. They were on a Nirvana spree this afternoon. Oddly I find I do some of my best thinking when listening to products the grunge era. Anyway. I was thinking about people who think Depression is all in your head. Psychologically speaking of course. Physically speaking they would be correct, usually the cause of depression (in most people) is a problem with Serotonin. Sweet eh? I am the only person I know who took chemistry, and did lots of bio chem work while in it. I delved really deep into the causes of depression — it related to me, and knowing about what caused it really helped me feel better.

still.

Hearing that there are people who think Depression is all psychological really chaps my hide. Seriously. I had several serious bouts of depression (clinical, I was diagnosed by a family practitioner at 15) through out my high school (and junior high school) career. While I no longer manage my depression through medication I am aware that not all depression sufferers are able to do so. I don’t like to think that they are “dependent” on the medication, though I will admit that I was dependent at one point. The withdrawal of the medication (even when done correctly tapering off over time) caused myself serious (well serious to me) physical problems, such as night tremors which lasted a year after I stopped the medication. I believe that there are people who have a problem that can’t just be helped to get over it. Some people need the medication to function normally. To feel normally. It’s hard.

I like to think that people who think depression is all psychological are simply happy naive people. People who don’t know what it’s like to lay in bed at night trying to convince themselves that God would be ok with them dying because God ultimately wants them to be happy. I imagine they don’t know what it’s like to look in the mirror and hate yourself for no particular reason at all. To hate the fake smile you plaster on all the time. To feel like you’re numb from it all.

I remember it all.

I don’t feel like that anymore. Scott and I have been medication free since we’ve been married (For me it’s almost 6 years. I’m really actually very proud of that) I would never belittle or excuse someones depression. It’s hard to know what to say to someone who is progressively sad. It’s hard to know how to help them. Just be there. let them know you’re there. Call and chat with them. Let them know you missed them if they’re away. Be Supportive. I had/have an amazing  support structure of friends and family. I know that it’s why I’m so mentally healthy (HAHA!) today. (And to all of you who are saying “THIS IS HER HEALTHY?” the answer is, aren’t you glad  you didn’t see me when I was mentally ill?)

Derringer Meryl [HEY HEY, I got a new complaint] Out

I don’t aspire to much now days, I work 40 hours a week, have a loving husband and a beautiful daughter– and a new baby on the way!

But I dream of a day that I can review video games for parents. I realize that this seems silly, there are lots of game review sites out there, I would say A LOT. But once upon a time i wrote a feminist review of Legend of Zelda Wind Waker, and have loved writing introspective pieces about video games as a woman ever since. Now as a mom, and as a former gaming associate I am aware of how blissfully unaware most parents are. Some parents just don’t care about what their kids play and others really read and review and scrutinize games.

I want to help those parents. If I were to “dream big” i would quit my job, mommy full time and play video games all the time to support us by selling my reviews to a magazine. HAHAHA! yeah, that’s dreaming big. Once upon a time it was my goal to work at GS for 7 years and intern at GI as a writer. HAHAHAHA! To be honest, I did work for GS for about 6 years and really while it’d be awesome to write for a magazine and work from a cozy office in my house with slippers on– I realize it’s MUCH more of a pipe dream than I know. I need to play more games. However the circle of life is this:

fun stuff takes money
serious stuff takes money
serious stuff is more important than fun stuff.
there is no money for fun stuff

which is sad, I remember the days of playing games on my Xbox and having a really GREAT time with it, and on my game cube, and even more recently my Wii and 360 (ahh I miss you 360, at least I know you have a good home!) I wish that we were rich and could have all the awesome stuff in the world… but instead– I have an awesome house, an awesome husband, and a super sweet and awesome daughter. I wouldn’t give them up for any amount of 360’s and I have to say I certainly wouldn’t get myself into debt for one. Sorry, but no.

that’s my dream though. I imagine days of waking up and fixing breakfast, playing a few hours of games, taking notes, playing with  my kids, gardening, cooking lunch, doing dishes, more games, more notes, playing some with my kids, discussing the game and it’s aspects, letting them play for a bit to watch how they handle it… whoo. Dinner, hang out, bed for kidlets and typing up my notes and writing a witty and insightful article for a gaming magazine. Or a parent’s magazine! Either one!

In all of that all I would change about my life (not my house not my kids, not my husband, nada) I would only change my life to  my dream job. I miss writing. I miss gaming. 🙁

Derringer Meryl [le sigh] Out

back in the day… I was miserable a lot. I would let the way I feel eat at me a lot. I’m sitting here listening to Christmas music, at what is usually my favorite time of year– feeling like a horrible human. Trying my best to accept life the way it is, instead of the way I wish it was.

I don’t think it’s been much of a secret that this baby was a surprise. I have been wallowing in wishing that it wasn’t so…. and in all my wishing it wasn’t that way, feeling horrible for it. I’m a planner, and I don’t like it when plans go awry. I have been trying to suppress my wishing it wasn’t so, and my horrible feelings for it. I keep telling myself that I’m a selfish person, because for all of my wishing and wanting, I know at least 10 women who would love to have a surprise like this. Surprise Surprise Surprise. I feel weird when people ask me how I’m feeling, I don’t know what to say, or how to say it. I’ve actually, to be frank, been quite well this pregnancy. At the same time it’s been miserable. My sciatic pain is kicking in and every complaint or ache and pain makes me feel guilty.  Maybe that’s why my blood pressure is so high? Could depression do it?

Despite my aches and pains through my pregnancy with Katie, i was on the whole very happy and excited. I was caught unaware, and upset this time. My 3 hours a day with katie have been sliced in half at the prospect of a sibling. I feel horrible.  I feel guilty. I am not even 12 weeks pregnant and I’m ready to be done.

Derringer Meryl [tired] Out

So during the writers strike, my fav director Joss Whedon, got together with some actors, and wrote/composed a musical that is about 45 minutes long. It’s called Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog. Katie loves it. Katie and I have seen it so many times Scott hates when we watch it. I love watching her watch it. I wish it were a bit more child appropriate, but hey, I was happy for anything in the writer’s strike.

I’m going to discuss it in length. if you haven’t seen it, hit up hulu or click here. If you’d like to not be spoiled… well you should have stopped reading a while back, right?? Also you might think that the discussion of web produced mini series (a mini mini series…) is silly, retarded, or a waste of time…. I also invite these people to leave. Just pretend I haven’t written anything at all. And go play on digg for a couple of hours, you’ll feel better about yourself, and a bit worse about the future.

Scott says the ending to it is a cop-out ending. I say that after seeing a ton of batman cartoons and X-Men cartoons, I would say that evil guys get really evil after they have lost all hope.  Sure people are bad when they want to be, but when you have lost all of your hope– that seems to be (IMO) when people are their most dastardly. That’s why (GASP, SPOILER) It’s not Captain Hammer who dies (though i find interesting that he remains alive, but in a incapacitated state. It’s not like he’s in a coma either. He’s just weak. It’s like Billy/Dr. Horrible just made his Physicality match his his personality. His body now matches his soul… well not completely– he’s not ugly and small. But then again, who wants to see nathan fillion like that? not me that’s for dang sure.  But you will see, if you watch Dr. Horrible’s Sing a long Blog 2 million times like I have, that Penny is Hope. it’s fairly obvious in the second act during her duet that she is a light of hope to Billy (as seen later as well in the laundry Mat when she tells him “keep your head up Billy buddy”) as well as to others, she is the light in the universe that Whedon has created. What happens when you take out the light? Heros are weak, hope is gone, people who may have been teetering on the edge of goodness… lose faith. What Dr. Horrible/ Billy has missed is the Key that Penny gave him before dying. “Even in the Darkness/Every Color Can be found.” Even when she’s gone, hope isn’t lost, there is no reason to do what he does… but he’s gone over the edge.  Penny’s song in the Laundry Mat is all about how you can choose hope and light when crappy things happen to you.

So. You might be thinking at this point that this is WHY people have been saying (Mostly my husband) this show sucks!! I say that you need to examine the villianous tale a bit closer. Usually villian stories go a bit like this…. 1- Guy/Gal really wants something. Usually the improvement of some part of society. 2- Guy/Gal becomes very focused on this goal shutting out all else, loved ones, usually not leaving lab or office, really nose to the grindstone thing, not realizing they are hurting others by their singlemindedness. 3- Tragically loved one dies, is suspended in a living state but in a very particular way, irreperably damaged. 4- Guy/Gal realized they’ve screwed up BUT instead of making it better, they make it someone elses fault.

I have seen a lot of super hero’s and villian tales. I know. This is how it goes. What is so different about this, and why I like the ending is– Billy at the end confesses to his blog, that he won’t feel anything. In a sad way. He doesn’t feel happy at his accomplishment. His world is incomplete without Penny. There is no reason to succeed as a villian any longer, as there is no Penny to impress or woo. The point is mute. Instead of being angry at Capt. Hammer, or society for what has happened– Billy/Dr. Horrible correctly places blame. Penny is dead, because of him.

That is why I like Dr. Horrible’s Sing a Long Blog.

Derringer Meryl [Bed time] Out

Whoo. Go there, and guess my friends.

I don’t know what’s up with me and vomiting, we were on friendly terms, a gag here and there, but yesterday it was like I saved up all my morning sickness for one day and just had a puke fest. WHOO. Am I glad that’s over. Scott was super supportive, and Katie did as best as she could being 19 months and all. She didn’t understand why mommy didn’t want to cuddle and hug and hold her. I felt miserable. Scott got me crackers and made me toast and got me some sprite. I appreciated it. At 4 am (what started the puke fest IMO) was Katie puking from having TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE. She’s not unlike her mom who (upon eating too many sweets) pukes her guts out. so i had to toss her in the bath after removing two puke soaked layers I had to wash her hair (puke in it) luckily Scott came home on his break to save me and help me clean up puke! My amazing sweet awesome husband of mine– Not to mention he’s been super sweet about all the snow that’s been gently floating down. If only the ice was as nice about me falling to the ground… which I haven’t done yet.

I’ve told most everyone, but my dr’s appointment on monday went mildly well. My doctor was glad my BP went down a little, but apparently it wasn’t enough as he’s now ordering me to pee in a jar. Yay, urine collection! I’m not too thrilled about it as my time… well there isn’t a ton of it and lugging a jar of pee around for 24 hours isn’t something I relish.  Also, you have to keep it cool. That is to say, keep the pee in your fridge. UGH. Not to mention this weekend is the best weekend to do it as I only have two parties (i know, right? That’s the “best” weekend??) and they are mostly home parties. I figure if I go to party A (with my family in SLC) and just not pee the entire time… and then the other party is all around in the valley, so I should be good if i need to pee, I’ll just hold it until I get home, or I’ll be at home 🙂 Plus I’m not a huge drinker of drinks (non alcoholic of course) so I don’t usually need to pee often.

UGH. SO if I leave parties early, or if I seem awfully grouchy this weekend. Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

The other half is extreme violence.
Derringer Meryl [Battle] out