Undone

Have you ever been so oooo ooo ooo ooo sick that you wanted to hurl every time you cough?

I have. The horrible thing is that they don’t know what it is. So annoying. I cough until my head hurts, and my throught wants to never speak or move or anything. I cough and cough….. Till my sides seize with pain. It makes me wheeze to walk from one class to another, it doesn’t usually, just right now while I’m sick. My chest hurts, my teeth clentch….. is that spelled right? Clentch. clench…. clench…. there. I could fix it, but it would void that whole line, and that takes time to do that. I don’t feel like taking the time. Call it a quirk.

Did I tell you my boss chased me around with lysol on monday? Serious. If anyone who reads this *cricket sounds* can tell me the hazards of inhaling lysol– please leave me a note, email me, do whatever you need to. I’d really like to know.

The moral dilemma there is though…. that my boss is a really nice guy, he just didn’t want to get sick– That’s understandable. He thought I was coughing on air. If you heard me, you’d know different. Maybe he doesn’t have any asthma in his family– anyway. He was afraid of me like I had the plague.

Oy.

I could sue, since I told him to stop, and it was making it worse and what not, but he has three kids, and one on the way….. He needs this job.

i need my life

I don’t know if it’s gotten worse because of that. I don’t know because I’ve never had this before….. Sure I’ve been sick, I spent a good portion of eighth grade in the Doctor’s office trying to get the stupid HMO to take my tonsils out.

They wouldn’t for nearly a year. Then a new strain of Strep throat came out that was resistant to ammoxicillin, and they were scared. I knew I had helped make that virus. I don’t feel bad, I blame the HMO. Now instead of giving anti-biotics they just send you home and tell you to drink fluids. Of course listening to your patients isn’t an option.

Oh Well, I finally got my tonsils out. Thank goodness to the nice doctor I finally went to.

Thank you Doctor.

Stupid Bueraucracies. Grief.

Anyway- I’m not sure what to do. I’ll ponder and get back to you

DM out

We need more cereal

My older brother whines about the lack of our ‘good’ cereal. All of it is for little kids, or old people. I happen to agree, on the little kids or old people part, but I think that’s fine. No cereal happens to be marketed to young adults who are single. Not really to my knowledge.

Oh wait– That’s vodka.

It’s really amazing how much people whine when they aren’t doing anything anyway. My brother is twenty three. He lives at home, not necissarily a bad thing but he doesn’t have a job. It’s really sort of annoying to have the one person who does nothing complain the most.

That’s life i suppose.

It’s really interesting that some days I can handle the fact that i’m single, and the idea of having another person’s tongue in my mouth is disgusting. Other days all Its all I can do to keep myself from jumping on my ex-boyfriend. He usually helps with that though, he is the king of rude remarks. jerk

I’m sick at home again today. It amazes me how you can pay a doctor to tell you that he’s not sure if it’s a virus or allergies, whereupon he sends you home. How odd, and a waste. I think we as a nation (That is America, the United States…. yeah–) spend so much time in the doctor’s office. I remember my eighth grade year….. I was in a doctor’s office all the time. stupid doctors.

I cleaned my room. I threw a lot of crap away. Not literal crap, obviously, just crap I wonder why I held onto it. I can’t wait until I get a file cabinet. *sigh* It’s a little odd that the highlight of my shopping is a File Cabinet. I love them though, they let such order …. ahhh…..

i started to cry, that started the whole world laughing…. If I had just seen, that the joke was on me…..

*cough cough* I’m so tired of the waste of school. I go– okay not yesterday or the day before that, or today– but all we do is — is? Stupid things. I mean sure some kids would thrive with what they’re teaching. Some kids — but not me. I need to learn and go. I don’t like to sit and THINK about what i’ve learned.

Sheesh.

I felt like a moron last night– But I don’t think i’ll cover that right now.

Derringer *cough* Meryl Out

The Illness spreads. I have a freaking feaver, and I’ve been coughing like there’s no tomorrow.

Is there a tomorrow?

In anycase I haven’t been feeling very well. A little Ill, a little barfy– a very tired of school (good thing we’re running low on days WAHOO)

I went to work last night and kept my trap closed about being sick. Sure I was coughing like the plauge was upon us once more, but it’s not like I wasn’t hosed down with lysol or anything.

I’m sorta worried about my Boss. Don’t get me wrong– He’s a bit of a jerk sometimes, but he’s all around nice- I think so anyway. He had to go and get an MRI last night because he has had a headache for over a month. He doesn’t complain as much as me….. not outwardly.

Oh But that didn’t prevent us from fighting, oh no. We got into an argument over what agoraphobia Was.

Agoraphobia-Fear of open spaces or of being in crowded, public places like markets. Fear of leaving a safe place.

That could include social situations right?

I thought so…. anyway, we fought. It’s not un-typical of us, we have the same type of personality, we’re stubborn. I usually can let things go, but psychology is what I love, it helps me feel like i’m in control. So much for that.

He had to tease me for liking ‘him’ again. That’s my boss though, he’s a funny guy.

I’m getting better, and don’t have to work with ‘him’ until a week from saturday. WAHOO

That just ensures that I will deny any sort of familiarity and just ignore the fact that’s he’s strikingly handsome. That’s what I’ll do.

HA, I win again.

DM Out (peace)

My therapist says I’m getting better.

I happen to agree but she doesn’t know everything.

I suppose if I really wanted to get better I could tell her everything, but the words just can’t come. My own fault.

I’m not the shy quiet– well– I’m not the girl I was. I’ve changed. Still–

I can’t bring myself to love— love anything. If I get close to loving some thing, I’ll just —

push away.

Like ‘the guy’ I push him away. I try not to think about him and what not, but sometimes, when I least expect it.

He invades. My mind would wander from this to that– To him. At first I’ll just think about events at work, maybe a favorite television show– and I’ll just think about that, and that ‘he’ like it too. Then I’ll think about other things he likes, that I like….

And soon– my whole mind is about him. It’s a horrible thing. Horrible and wonderful and blessed…. and… and…

Confusing.

Derringer Meryl Out

I have to goto a wedding. So this has to be quick.

It’s amazing how one feels after a great stress has left. Amazing really. AP test is over. I feel much better.

Nothing to do– but I think I’m okay with that.

what a cold and lonely rainy day

I’m obsessed with this song. It’s by 10,000 Maniacs. It’s called Like the Weather. I just listen to it, and it descibes me so well. How I feel when I don’t think— think about him. I think I’m just in love with love. Life with out him is something i’ve obviously done for my whole life. I can do it.

Really.

I have to go get ready to celebrate someone elses happiness.

Derringer Meryl out.

I want you to want me