Undone

Finally finished the second season of Buffy.

You don’t know the joy it gives me. *smiles*

Uneasiness settles over me though. I haven’t been feeling the best ever, I have writers block and I am unsure of what is going wrong with — well me.

Who knows… any takers.

No? Oh, well that doesn’t shock me much

The winter here is cold and bitter….. I claw for solid ground

am saddened suddenly– very suddenly. Maybe I should go and sleep… sleeping is good. I enjoy doing that… very much so.

I got new songs– So you’ll see them spotting throughout my new entries… I happen to adore new music, and even some old music that I’m introduced to —

Like Sarah McLaughlin’s Full of Grace Pretty song, pretty words…

Also I have new Anthony Stewart Head songs, well they’re new to me, I have no idea how old they actually are…

James Marsters sings in one of the songs I got. I love that. He’s such a good singer too. He plays guitar and a little bass apparently. I’m amazed since I can’t even play the piano, or the Violin.

*kicks musical instruments* I’m just no good at them.

Derringer Meryl [And you just don’t seem to understand] Out

thought i’d post more about my fourth, cause in long and short– it was odd.

I did go to the BBQ. it was great, I met new people. they were…. more my ‘age’ if that makes sense, since the lot of them were older than me, but they acted with maturity and immaturity, so it balanced, like me.

Bummer I left (now i know) three hours before the party was over. I got to watch some of the fire works. It was nice, because I got to hang out with all of these new people.

(Oh the lameness) My parents, yes both of them, came and picked me up from the party, in our white minivan, known affectionately as the BMW. (Big-Mormon-Wagon) I left and waved bye to all the new people I met, and my shirt (as it was a little short) showed my stomach. sue me, I dress like a hoochie when I’m around certain people.

Well that flipped my Dad’s lid, and I got a talkin’ to on the way home. I did not enjoy this. He ended up walking home since he got out of the car and insisted that he walk.

At that time it was fine by me.

I wanted to get out too, go to Wyoming, where my best friend lives, or just run and hide somewhere. I thought about where I could go when things sucked it a lot….

I realized that there weren’t many places I could go.

That scared me. I thought about going back to HIS house. That was out. Total impose-ment.

I thought where I could go if my dad had the next day off of work (ie Friday) The only solution:

Work

I know it seems odd, but i realize now, and then, that work is the only haven i have from this harsh world. While that seems odd because work is normally the place where you get a harsh dose of reality, i feel my safest there, and I love being there.

I don’t know what i’m going to do when I get transferred.

Probably Cry

No doubt.

But as luck would have it, Dad had work the next day. I woke up for my bike ride, and then slept till two-ish.

For the first time I had double bags under my eyes.

My mom pointed out to me that most girls wouldn’t be proud of that. I say bah, bags are nothing…. it was the squelching headache that killed me.

I went into work, for a minute or two, to get my check. I thanked *HIM* for inviting me to the party, cause I was grateful, my family played chicken foot (dominoes) all night. It was, to say the least, less than exciting. I showed them my double bags under my eyes…. I didn’t tell them that I got them from crying, I’ll tell them later, when my mom isn’t around.

I didn’t have to hide out all day, but I know that hanging out there, is my favorite thing to do.

Odd ne?

Oh, and if *HIM* or You, since I’m addressing *HIM* directly– well if you come here, stumble upon it in some sort of — well accident….

tell me something… say something. say “pancakes taste good by gardenias” for all I care– just say something.

Derringer Meryl [Devil in Desguise] Out

Well I went to the barbecue

I enjoyed it… But I think it finally cured me of my crush…

Sure I still like HIM and all, he’s a great guy..

Very cute, Very funny, we still get along

But I realize now that I was deluded, and I can’t give something that I love so much up, just for a guy. (IE my religion) I don’t expect a guy to give it up for me. I understand that now

I’ll still like him.

But I think I’ll find someone else to crush on for now.

Derringer Meryl [Killing me Softly]

Roller Coaster…

OW- Of love.

Okay, so you’re not getting the whole picture with this, are ya? Well ya know. I’m the singing type. (Thus the reason lyrics to various songs are always spewed amid random thoughts) Roller coaster of love is classic.

*swoons*

He said I could go to his barbecue. I CAN’T go, cause there’ll be drinking and we have ‘family’ plans, but i COULD go, otherwise.

COULD– as in, if I were normal instead of the peculiar girl I am, I COULD go and make out with who ever the monkey I wanted. I could go, and I could flirt, and I could talk–

*sighs* But I”m not a normal girl. I’m the whacky patacky girl who can’t do those things.

Cause I’m moral and upright and whatever. I just — wish that he could see me… see me for more than just some girl he works with who falls down a lot….. See me as — as…

As a woman- Someone he could date, and tell his stories to, and laugh with….

*meekly* and kiss.

is that so much to ask?

I suppose it is. My heart can’t stand this. I wonder if he sees me. It takes alot of guts to say some things… like: “What kind of relationship do we have?” or just the plain old confession of: “Hey, I really like you, and I would like it if you really liked me….”

Man those are lame. I’ll go wallow in hours of Buffy Fanfiction– and

and….

being lonely.

Today he was saying sometimes he misses dating people, well girls– you know.

it was all i could do to keep myself from saying…. “I could help you feel better.”

Lame-o

Derringer Meryl [You don’t love me, the way I wish you would] Out

Do you know how easy it was to find this place using google?

Dangerously easy.

Deadly easy.

Crying myself to sleep tonight easy–

I know he’s going to find it– and laugh, and then it’ll be like this:

Strumming my pain with his fingers,

Singing my life with his words,

Killing me softly with his song,

Killing me softly with his song,

Telling my whole life with his words,

Killing me softly with his song …

I heard he sang a good song, I heard he had a style.

And so I came to see him to listen for a while.

And there he was this young boy, a stranger to my eyes.

Strumming my pain with his fingers,

Singing my life with his words,

Killing me softly with his song,

Killing me softly with his song,

Telling my whole life with his words,

Killing me softly with his song …

I felt all flushed with fever, embarrassed by the crowd,

I felt he found my letters and read each one out loud.

I prayed that he would finish but he just kept right on …

Strumming my pain with his fingers,

Singing my life with his words,

Killing me softly with his song,

Killing me softly with his song,

Telling my whole life with his words,

Killing me softly with his song …

He sang as if he knew me in all my dark despair.

And then he looked right through me as if I wasn’t there.

But he just came to singing, singing clear and strong.

Strumming my pain with his fingers,

Singing my life with his words,

Killing me softly with his song,

Killing me softly with his song,

Telling my whole life with his words,

Killing me softly with his song …

He was strumming, oh, he was singing my song.

Killing me softly with his song,

Killing me softly with his song,

Telling my whole life with his words,

Killing me softly with his song …

With his song …

Dang I hope he can sing, cause I want to die to a pretty song.

Derringer Meryl [Killing me softly] Out