Undone

June 2001. A month I will never forget.

I was down. Very very very down. That is extremely depressed. Some sisters wont admit it, but they have a favorite brother– and mine got married that month, and yes that’s why I was down.

You see, It has been confirmned to me many times that marriage, while over all a good thing for both people, often takes good people from their families.

Like my brother.

Well, when he decided to get married– I was happy for him. it was a good thing like I said before, but I realized– that —

there was no more time.

The hours and days slipped past after he had come home from his mission, and all of it was devoted to her. Now, I do enjoy his wife, she’s a very nice girl. But I’m selfish, I admit it, I needed more brother sister time– and it was gone. I don’t know when I realized that it was finally over, but I think it was when they began to open their wedding presents. I left the room, to the furthest place away, found a knife and began to slice at my skin.

Now the blade was very dull, lucky for me, and did very little damage. I was found– crying my eyes out, and he told me he’d still visit, that he wasn’t gone forever–

he’d come back.

I’m crying now, what a dork I am.

And the truth of it is, he does– he comes back for a few minutes, from time to time, to shower or get a haircut from mom–

but it’s never me anymore. It’s never about me. I’m not sure if that’s what hurts, or what. But I know it does– really deep down, in the middle of my chest, and behind my eyes–

I can’t be upset, because I love him, he’s my brother, and he’s happy. They make each other happy. I guess I just wasn’t ready, didn’t really understand.

Or maybe it was the fact that he has to be added to the list of people who broke their promises.

Yeah– that’s it, that’s what hurts.

Derringer Meryl [Inside i’m still a little] Out

Isn’t it romantic?

I didn’t think so. I just got finished watching The Prom, a buffy episode, and I have to say I’m bitter-ish about the episode, for several reasons….

1- Joyce– I want you to know that Joyce happens to be one of the worst moms who ‘claims’ they care about their daughter. I mean where is her brain? “Oh I know, I’ll take the man my daughter loves, and butt into their relationship. Not only that, I won’t accept her decisions, and her choice of friends. That’s the way to endear her to me. Definately.”

2- Angel– Breaking up with Buffy the day before her prom. What a great idea. Wonderful, really. I mean you’re alive for 243 years and this is what you learn? NOTHING? I mean, hello! Worst time ever to break up with ANYONE! Crap. How stupid do you have to be? Oh, Right…. brooding poof stupid.

3- Award Ceremony– Like any high school full of your average teens (which they are, if you watch Earshot.) would even remotely think about anything but themselves. They gave her an award. And Yeah, Buffy deserved it, but see I still run on the whole Elementary school valentines day thing–

If you don’t have one for everyone– then don’t give any out. THP! Screw them all. Nothing is fairy tale happy. TV makes America not only deluded but jaded.

S-o-O-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-O-R-r-R-r-R-y-y-y-y-y-y-y

Pshaw.

Derringer Meryl [Jaded, Oh So Jaded] Out

Random Random-ness

Isn’t it beautiful? My dream. Because someday, I want to be able to travel with my computer, all around… My house. *smiles*

I know, I’m probably some kind of traitorus Bitca, but that’s okay, because– I like the IMac, and the IBook. I like them both, because after a day or two of using them, they’re fairly easy TO use. *sighs*

Now, just to scrape up the money to get one…. *digs through the couches* Wow, fourty-five cents.

I just need $1,000 more dollars and I’m there.

I’m a big dreamer eh? Anyway, I just love it– don’t you?

This one has color, but I enjoy both of them.

Maybe I could go to some little college town, and find one that some college kid has… uhh pawned? Nah. I’ll just have my brother (after he’s done complaining that I’m the devil for wanting an Ibook) price one for me, and find it for a good price.

I always wanted a lap top, even when I was little. THey make you just want to lean over to whom ever is typing, and smack the screen down on their fingers….. *sigh*

Derringer Meryl [Random thought pattern] Out

I fell in love with this song, even though it’s country (ish) sounding. But– Well.

I’m a complex person. I like someone and at the same time, I feel a hate and contempt towards them that cannot even been described with words– and it’s not even possible to understand, because there is no apparent reason for the hate.

Well thanks Sheryl Crow, and Kid Rock–

Livin’ my life in a slow hell

Different girl every night at the hotel

I aint seen the sun shine in 3 damn days

Been fuelin’ up on cocaine and whisky

Wish I had a good girl to miss me

Lord I wonder if I’ll ever change my ways

I put your picture away

Sat down and cried the day

I can’t look at you while I’m lyin’ next to her

I put your picture away, sat down and cried today

I can’t look at you while I’m lyin’ next to her

I called you lastnight in the hotel

Everyone knows but they wont tell

But their half hearted smiles tell me

Somethin’ just ain’t right

I been waitin’ on you for a long time

Fuelin’ up on heartaches and cheap wine

I ain’t heard from you in 3 damn nights

I put your picture away

I wonder where you been

I can’t look at you while I’m lyin’ next to him

I put your picture away

I wonder where you been

I can’t look at you while I’m lyin’ next to him

I saw ya yesterday with an old friend

It was the same ole same “how have you been”

Since you been gone my worlds been dark & grey

You reminded me of brighter days

I hoped you were comin’ home to stay

I was head of the church

I was off to drink you away

I thought about you for a long time

Can’t seem to get you off my mind

I can’t nderstand why we’re living life this way

I found your picture today

I swear I’ll change my ways

I just called to say I want you to come back home

I found your picture today

I swear I’ll change my ways

I just called to say I want you to come back home

I just called to say, I love you come back home

How many pictures have I put away?

Too many– I’m sure. I do not plan to find them again.

Derringer Meryl [I stumble over my words like] Out

I’m full of Shippy longing.

I finally finished Love Hina One of the most romantic anime’s ever. At first glance, not really, but it definately deserves a second look. Honest.

Then I’ve been watching What I Really Meant To Say Buffy Music Video. I hope tomorrow’s ep is full of Buffy Spike Shipping. I’m dying for it.

Why?

Because it feels nice that the guy who gets kicked down, the one who everyone looks down on– the one that no one seemed to understand, is the good guy. Sure he did some cruddy things, but he’s trying to change, he wants to make up for it–

He wants to make things better with her.

I wish someone loved me enough– to want to make things better for me. it’s not a quality you find in many people now days. Heck, you don’t find it in people very often at all– but that’s the thing, they’re filled with love– or charity– and they do things, nice things for others.

I want that.

It’s funny too. That I get stuck as the under dog in every thing. I’m never the hero–

I’m the Xander, the Keitaro, the person who does good things, but always ends up looking like a freak– always in someone else’s shadow. I don’t mind being there–

I’d just like some sunlight sometimes.