Undone

I have to admit, life gets a lot more hectic as you get older. I mean, I get hassled by everyone about college, and jobs. (no offense to anyone, I just wish there was something else we could talk about sometimes…) Not to mention… well, I know two girls from my senior class that are getting married. I’m not saying i want to right yet, especially since there isnt’ anyone who seems keen on the idea of marriage and me. *shrugs*

And I …. i don’t know what to say. It shocks me to see all of these girls getting married. I mean, we just graduated, there’s so much else we could do. That’s on one side of my brain– and the other, well…. it says:

“Wouldn’t it be so nice? To have someone sweep you off your feet, and kiss you andhold you at night– who loves you and wants to be with you forever? Someone to do things with, and someone to come home to… doesn’t that sound nice?”

and I have to agree with that side of the brain. I have little fantasies going on in my brain nearly twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. Of someone chasing after me like in a bad sappy movie, and i’ve spent so much time trying to figure out why guys don’t chase me down like they do girls in chick flicks. And I finally came up with, i’m not in a movie. Sure, everything looks pretty and shiny in a movie, and we’d all love life to work out that way, even for just a little while. But the thing is, it doesn’t. Ever. No Man will ever throw me up against a wall and kiss me. Because I’m not a star of a film, and i don’t have a script…

i don’t know how it’s going to work out in the end.

But even for just a moment, it would be nice. I mean, sure i get little snippets. Take for example when Monkey would come into work… i could hear the music in my head swell, and what not. Sure, he may not be the hero in my little life novel, but that’s what’s so interesting….. you never know what’s going to happen in life. I guess that’s what makes it worth living in the long run.

I don’t suppose i’m the only girl in the world who wishes she was smacked up against the wall into a good ole fashioned make out session with the guy of their dreams…. now am i? If i was, then those damn movies wouldn’t sell so well.

Fourth Report

I have to say my fourth this year, was much different than last. Last year I was watching three guys play basketball and cuss every three seconds, all while the guy of my dreams (at that time) looked at porn. *shrugs* This year it was like i was staring in my own porn video… but like last year, i’m walking away with a new lesson filed in my head.

God doesn’t want me to do things like that, because if i hadn’t left, i would have done something i would be regretting. Or at least i would have tried. In any case, it would have lead to bad things. *frowns* And I feel like a very bad Meryl…. Friends don’t do the things we did… or at least i didn’t think so.

Red says friends shag sometimes. I have to admit i don’t have any friends like that. I don’t want to have snog buddies. I want it to be something special, not just a romp and wait for a phone call.

Besides…. I value some of my friends more than that. I love all of my friends, but i wouldn’t ….. i couldn’t ever make their friendship into some kind of sex toy thing. *shakes her head* If I gave it out like candy, it’d be devalued, and then where would i be?

State Street. That’s where.

Derringer Meryl [Hey Sailor looking for a] Out

I do bad things. I do them to people, I do them to myself. I just do. I’m not a psychologist, I dabble, but i’m not certified, but i know i’m not always right.

But I know what hurts. Pain registers in my brain, whether i’m dealing or receiving. I know i deal it a lot to red. I know she’s upset because i’m treading down a road she hates to see anyone go down. I know that she loves me, and that she just wants the best for me.

These are things I know.

I know that i say things sometimes that i don’t mean. I often don’t think before i speak, even in writing. I know i’m captain bring down, and with how many people are screaming at me to grow up and not be so self involved… but … i mean do they have classes for that kind of thing? My therapist has been telling me that i need to grow a back bone and stand up for myself… and that i’m a rug.

I really don’t know which is true. They conflict in the upmost ways.

I find myself changing, daily. especially in what i want in life. I’m not sure which road i’m going to go down, or when or why, but i try to keep my options open. I don’t like to burn bridges… I really don’t.

I guess i’m a floater. I’m not defined, and i dont liek to be.

and i don’t like to be controlled. Or told what to feel.

And I screw up, I make mistakes, I make bad choices. I don’t know what else to say but, it’s how it happens. You learn, you live, and you move on. You can’t agonize over the past. Well.. you can, but….i’ve done that, and it’s just no fun.

And why does it matter if i become famous as a writer? I aspire to Emily Dickenson levels. She wasn’t even a socialite when she was alive, she didn’t leave her house after her first year at college.

Derringer Meryl [something ruther] Out

I’m a sucker, with no Self esteem. Also I have acid problems in my stomach, and an abusive relationship I don’t know what to do with.

No. It’s not the monkey. It’s red.

I wrote her off for the tenth time today

And practiced all the things I would say

But she came over

I lost my nerve

I took her back and made her dessert

Now I know I’m being used

That’s okay man cause I like the abuse

I know she’s playing with me

That’s okay cause I’ve got no self esteem

We make plans to go out at night

I wait till 2 then I turn out the light

All this rejection’s got me so low

If she keep it up I just might tell her so

When she’s saying that she wants only me

Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends

When she’s saying that I’m like a disease

Then I wonder how much more I can spend

Well I guess I should stick up for myself

But I really think it’s better this way

The more you suffer

The more it shows you really care; Right ?

Now I’ll relate this little bit

That happens more than I’d like to admit

Late at night she knocks on my door

Drunk again and looking to score

Now I know I should say no

But that’s kind of hard when she’s ready to go

I may be dumb But I’m not a dweeb

I’m just a sucker with no self esteem

Self Esteem by The Offspring

Derringer Meryl [i have bruises] out

Guys dont’ think in code. Girls do. So when girls try to figure out what guys are thinking, they try to decode it– but it doesn’t work out because– there’s nothing there to decode. It’s so simple it often boggles the female brain.

And while it seems communication between the two sexes would remedy all complications between both sexes, it would seem that either are too shy, too scared, and unsure to do anythign about their miscommuncations, and simply allow them to continue forward.

I’m one of those girls. The girls who think guys are coded. Mostly I’m just too scared, and confused, and I can’t ask for help, or clarification, that’d be a weakness, and I cant’ let the enemy see my weakness.

Since when did guys become the enemy?

All I know is that I get lost and confused when I get around Monkey. He makes me feel all happy, and yet… slightly scared. I don’t know where I”m going, or when or why or any of that– and the thing is, if you ask you could ruin the ride. It’s back to the sunny island you’ve been sent to. You can enjoy the time you have, or risk it to find out you’re being experimented on for some nasty cosmetics company.

Right.

It’s like the fear you feel in a relationship is the price you have to pay for feeling so good.

The question still remains– where am I?

Derringer Meryl [That’s okay cause I like the abuse] Out

there is no end. This Blog is like some kind of continuum where the fun and moronic acts never end.

Yeah– Monkey and I spend the weekend together, with my family. Crazy funk my family– with their Dr. Mario obsession. We also watched Charlies Angels: Full Throttle which left everyone quite perplexed by the ending, and me wondering if Dillan was destined to live her life alone….

Poor Creepy thin man. *frowns* That wasn’t a fun way to die. Now was it?

And today– I get to go to the local community college and look into classes, even though i think it’s a waste of time. Because I don’t really find any of the classes– well worth how ever much they’re charging for their educational goodness. I’ve absorbed a lot of education, and I don’t want to pay a ton to learn nothing,

it’s this crazy deal I have. Iknow.

Anyway. The trick though is, I have to take full schedule of classes to keep getting my meds and what not. It’s insane, mostly Because

A) Me with out meds– well it basically equates to me looking very pallid in a corner shaking until I vomit.

B) Me in class looks a lot like me with Meds, but I guess I just have to risk it because, not unlike High school, I have to be there AND pay for it.

Derringer Meryl [educationally frustrated] Out