Undone

So it’s late, and I have stuff to do in the morning (i’m trying to be better about swearing, because some of my readers get offended apparently. psh) but i just read Red’s blog, and it’s nice to know she misses me.

I know i’m not captain enthusiastic on the phone, but maybe it’s because i feel shittier after talking to her, because she’s not here, and it has to end because she has school, and work, and things. And I get that. I have things.

I’m lying. I have no things. *frowns* I never leave my house. I want so desperately for someone to take me out. I could go out, but it’s always with my mom, or with my brother…. and i just want to be with someone who isn’t blood related to me…. but not like fifty of them who ignore my existence (ala Math Class) it’s so lonely stuck here in my house. and i do miss Red so VERY much. She is my partner in crime. And I admit, so is my mom, but the crimes with Red are… *sly look* so much more… fitting to my age.

and i’m not exactly the queen of the making friends world. I mean, I don’t have to be at school, if i don’t want to be, and LORD do i not want to be. I hang out at work, but i think they find me lame. *shrugs* I find myself in a sticky place there. Split. Like part of me wants one thing, but part of me wants another. And as far as I can see, i’m getting screwed either way. Yes, I am getting HOSED as far as the social situation at work. I want Monkey, he doesn’t seem to want to talk to me, at all. and I have no clue– but Gert seems interested, but i have the flirt radar of a inanimate object. I’m screwed. Oh So very hosed. *frowns* I hate that.

And I miss going places with Red. I miss going out. I miss getting mad with her, and eating Ben and Jerry’s while drooling over hot guys. It was something we did…. and i haven’t done it with anyone else, ever.

And I hate the world. For telling us we have to grow up. Saying “Learn, you’ll be better for it.” I know when they teach in college. It’s like Scraping by 101, or Lying 101, or even boozing it and still going to class 101.

how is this worth the money you’re spending? Sure, some people come out of College smarter…. but how many? And it’s completely screwed up, that people can’t get jobs. Good workers, being layed off, and they have the knowledge they need for the job, but there’s no job to have. Cause the people at the top are clinging to what they “need”.

Oh Muffy, I simply must have that platinum golf cart, it’s adorable. Good God, Scrimp, do without your fucking luxuries, for the good of the damn nation. Jerks. So why spend Thousands, and possibly go into debt, for an education that isn’t going to help you get job in the struggling economy anyway?

Seems like a waste to me.

Derringer Meryl [angry, 24/7/365] Out

Siblings. Some would say they are a blessing and a curse. I’m finding them just a curse. The curse of the annoying, the judging, the unloving, and the moody. Oh Yes, I should love them always, and good grief do I try. I never verbally judge them, at least i don’t think i do. But cheese and rice….

My older brother decides that he should tell my dad that once someone asked me to move in with them. good grief. I don’t think i can trust them with anything. at all. so i’m moving into complete anger mode.

my sister in law thinks that i love friendjamin, but i don’t. He’s a funny guy, and he understands a lot, but no. I don’t. Guess what great and spifforific source my sister in law got this infactual information from? My nephrew, who’s four. I’m sick and tired of people assuming they know what’s going on in my life, then giving me advice on it.

Oh, and of course my sister in law couldn’t bring this up in ya know, private, because that’s not her way. She’s a fetching pot stirrer. she knows what she’s doing, and when and why to do it. *mutters* and apparently i swear too much in my blog. It’s a damn good thing certain people don’t have access to my personal journal. Jerks.

*hmph*

anyway, the lyric spew for today is going to be … um… a Tony Bennett Tune…. which is also a gershwin song too. Yippie. Have a happy week 😀

They Can’t Take That Away From Me

There are many many crazy things

That will keep me loving you

And with your permission

May I list a few

The way you wear your hat

The way you sip your tea

The memory of all that

No they can’t take that away from me

The way your smile just beams

The way you sing off key

The way you haunt my dreams

No they can’t take that away from me

We may never never meet again, on that bumpy road to love

But I’ll always, always keep the memory of

The way you hold your knife23

The way we danced till three

The way you changed my life

No they can’t take that away from me

Derringer Meryl [you took it away right nicely thanks] Out

Uh-Oh. He likes Gershwin. He likes old type music, like Tony Bennett and Old Blue Eyes. *smiles*

Oh Yeah, I’m talking about Gert. He’s so …. different. I don’t know if it’s swoon worthy, like, if i should be breath-taken, or how i feel entirely…. but i know i like to spend time with him. He’s fun, and he makes me laugh. I love to laugh. It’s my favorite pastime. Hee hee.

so– fifteen or so hours when i finish work tonight, for this week alone. *smiles* that means out of my alotted hours of time in my life this week, i’ve spent (or will soon) spend fifteen and a half hours working.

*frowns* I can think of fifty million other things i’d like to do. Like hang out with my friends, which i never get to do anymore. Blah.

I bought a new game, Sword of the Berserk: Guts Rage and i’m liking it. The thing is, is that, i’m not a little girl any more. When i get done watching an anime, or a movie, i feel sad, and a little bitter. Because, *sighs* Okay, in this video game Guts, who is this hardcore guy who thinks “i don’t need you, and i don’t need one damn person in this world.” Basically a guy after my own heart, but somehow, a fellow warrior, Caska, works her way into his heart. He falls in love with her, and she’s completely smitten herself… and then…. she looses her mind. Another guy does some real shibby stuff to her, and she’s gone. Guts ends up devoting his life, to make her remember what they had before.

And I get all sad, and angry, because i don’t have that. I dont’ have someone who would kill a hundred men to save me. Hell, I don’t have someone who would risk being pricked by a thorn because they love me. I mean, amorous kind of love, not like “My mommy and daddy love me…” type love. I have that coming out my ears. i guess i should be grateful, but …

you begin to miss what you never had, simply by seeing what others have.

Now, the two-hundred-million-dollar question….

Do I love someone enough to fight off a hundred men?

Well. yes. I try to make it go away, and i guess i try to hate people, but… deep down, i love people. That doesn’t mean they don’t annoy me to the point of wanting to murder them sometimes– but… Yeah, I love someone enough to die for them.

I’d crawl two thousand miles on broken glass, just to lie in their shade.

It’s sick.

I’m sick.

Derringer Meryl [and i never want to do this again] Out

Yeah…. So I realized today that i’m uber pathetic.

I found my ticket stub for charlies angel’s two– and nearly started crying.

I miss the good old days when…. when i hung out with people, and they returned phone calls, and….

I was so desprately alone.