Undone

Have you ever felt the kind of pressure that when you feel it, you feel like lashing out at the person who seems to be pressuring you? It’s like, they keep reminding you, and pestering you, about stuff you know you need to do, but … you just don’t want to. If that person was a tamagotchi, you’d put it in a drawer and ignore it’s small chirps for help as the piles of poo surrounded their tiny body. Poor thing.

*sighs* I’m just tired of feeling like everyone isn’t so much advising as they think they are. Or maybe it’s all in my mind. I swear. I don’t want to go to the singles ward more and more each time it’s suggested by my dad. We even had a discussion about it with our home teacher today. …. *sighs* good gravy. I’m just so tired.

I don’t think i’m taking the job at Game Crazy. the idea of it makes my senses scream, and my body tense up. I guess it’s because i feel like i’m a liar. I misconstrued myself so that i could get the job. ick. I hate feeling like this. and I could continue on with the drama that is why i don’t act anyway i don’t feel… but eh, that’s okay. I don’t want to think about it.

I feel so stressed. I have another test this week, and i feel grossly unprepared, in a way that just about sickens me. I better head off to bed, so I can *crosses her fingers* feel better in the morning…. and maybe God will tell me, in the night, how to wriggle my way out of working at GameCrazy. I’ve never been one to say no… heh.

Derringer Meryl [i always seem to be going upstream] Out

Drama Drama Drama!

First Marco Looses (misplaces) $600 at the local store, the one i’m supposed to start working at soon. Then i start to get uber cold feet. Marco is freaking out, i’m freaking out, and backing out. Then they find the moolah today. and i’m still wiggin’

I don’t know what to do. I feel shibby (If my last two entries didn’t already illuminate that fact) I’m going BACK on my medication…. sadly, and i’m so tired of everything. Blah.

So I may not be so crazy for games in two weeks as i thought i was going to be, right? I’m off to think about stuff, like … uhh… what i should do.

Derringer Meryl [medicating for the world] Out

Permanent Night time twitchies, orrrr

extreme depressive-ness. Hm. Choices. Oh. And if the chemicals balance out? Yeah– um– you still get the twitchies

going slightly insane. I can smell his cologne on me. …. and i hate myself. Every part of me, everything that makes me me.

i got the job. I got it by being fake. I hate it. I hate the job. I hate myself. I hate what i do to people.

I hate feeling this way. I wish i just knew. Knew how to act around him, how to live and breathe, without hurting someone. I wish– I wish I’d just stop. stop seeing, stop feeling, stop being all together. I dont’ want to die… I just want to cease to exist.

That’s alright, right?

I want to be forward. I want to be right. I want to know what it is i feel when i feel it… and then once i knew, i would make it go away.

It feels like i’m making my own life crumble on purpose with this new job. Like i’m kicking the last solid thing i have in my life out from underneath me. My friends leave for college, my friends get married (and engaged and what not), and my family seems… distant, like i’m not really here… and they all grow closer together, while i’m on the outside.

I won’t even touch the monkey situation, since i have no clue where it is. I hurt inside when i think about it though. I’ve done some damn shitty things, and he forgives me like it’s nothing.

I’d just like to stop existing now, thanks.

Derringer Meryl [periodic crying bouts] Out

I am so odd in how i spend my evenings, i could probably have my entire collection of poetry (personal writings) cataloged on my computer….

oh wait. I do. I’m currently at #211. Aren’t you proud?

I need to print them all off now. Hee hee hee. I’m evil. I’m going to have to buy a ream of my own paper, and my family’s printer a new ink cartridge. hee hee. I’m horrid.

Derringer Meryl [Odd, and Odder] Out