Undone

Blah. I know the true form of the devil– it’s ice cream. I’m sure you’re laughing, I mean what kind of person finds Ice Cream Evil, and wants to condemn it to the depths of hell where it will eternally melt ….

Me. Little miss Lactose intolerant. That’s who. See, i love the way it tastes, and the way it so very nicely fills your mouth, with this sweetness, which is only rivaled by dark chocolate… Oh, yes, that’s the part that entices me, very much so…. what I don’t relish is the three or so hours later when it wreaks havoc on my stomach. Trust me, it’s no fun, and if you never have to feel it… lucky you.

I am a stupid, stupid girl…

Urk– I have to go.

Derringer Meryl [Massochistic tendencies] Out

I’m feelin’ a little down. I had a friend of mine over yesterday, and we hung out, and stuff, it was fun–

one of the things we did was reminisce– about Graduation Night. She was one of my special presents– she came over for My Graduation, special. She watched me graduate from way high up some place– and then we went out to rent a movie… with monkey.

I guess that’s where the pangs begin. That’s where the “I should have” feeling starts, and it just keeps going. I shouldn’t have been such a dumbass….. i should have been nicer, i should have let go faster, i should have …. been better, done better, smiled more, kept my insides to myself….

*whispers* i should have been better about Red liking him.

I still have issues about that. But I really need to let go. Monkey wasn’t mine, isn’t mine, won’t ever be mine. I should just push him out of my mind– but still I cling to the memories i have– maybe it’s because he’s the first guy to actually treat me decent. to be kind to me, and do things for me, without expecting some kind of action out of me later on that night. And maybe i screwed up so much because– because his honest kindness towards me confused me. Boys aren’t supposed to be nice — they’re supposed to be jackasses, so i can move on faster, so i can stop loving them, and feel okay. And maybe i could let go of him– if i was able to hate him for something. But i’m not. Sure, things that have happened hurt, but — i don’t blame him. I blame myself. I’m not what he wants, that’s not his deal, it’s not even a deal, it’s just a fact. So I can’t hate him for it… can’t hate him for not being attracted to me that way. It’s just a thing. A fact.

I let go of J-Bob so much faster, maybe it’s because i knew i never had a chance with J-Bob. I knew it wouldn’t work out. We were so different…. are so different– but i feel light headed still when i talk to him. *shakes her head*

I’m still in the high school frame of mind. Thinking that ‘liking’ a guy is enough to make a lasting relationship on. Not common interests, or anything like that.

Which reminds me, my friend Lynn (who was the friend i was reminiscing with) has common interests with Gert. Maybe I’ll see what i can do with that….

And I bet you’re wonderign why i’m setting up my friends with guys I like. Well. I’ve come to the decision, no one would be happy with me anyway, so i’ll pair friends with friends, and see what happens…. I”m no Miss Match, but whatever. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Got Gadittude?] Out

*imagines herself at a pulpit with all of the men in her life, who ever did her wrong. You might recognize some of the usual suspects*

I’m better now. Better than i ever was before i ran into you. I’m stronger, I’m happier, and i couldn’t imagine my life any other way.

*turns to all of her former romantic interests* and you. I don’t need any of you. I’m perfectly happy without your love, or desire, or even lust. I’m great. In fact, i’m better than great. I’m fan-friggin’-tastic. I’ve found someone new, someone who loves me the way I am, who sees the person i am, sees that i’m broken, and loves me anyway. He doesn’t care about any of this shit you broke up with me for, hell, not even broke up with, rejected me for. And I see now with a clarity that is granted from God that every time any of you pushed me away, or turned away, or even laughed in my face, that it was your own freaking insecurities that you were projecting onto me. I hope you live a sad and lonely life–

you deserve it.

*turns to her most recent fling* and you. I can’t believe i spent so much time, poured so much emotion into a bottomless pit like you. I admit, you are everything that i wanted, but i somehow, in all my wet dreams, in all my endless wishing for something better, forgot to mention that i wanted to be equally desired back. I don’t know how i could forget that. I gave you my heart, and you gave me your hand. No… I guess you didn’t even give me that, you offered it and took it away, like i was some kind of five year old who would be amused by this trick. Like I’d wonder– what happened? Where did it go? and then when you extended it again, be simply happy with the fact you put it out for me to have again.

*returns to addressing the whole crowd* I realize that everything that happened between us, wasn’t completely your fault. I fantasized, and put you in that fantasy, and it wasn’t fair to you. That doesn’t excuse your reaction– no, your rejection. *whispers mainly for herself* I can’t count the times i wished someone would be waiting at my house for me with flowers. waiting. just waiting for me. but i guess i’m never good enough to wait for. *looks to her fling, still whispering* the times i replayed that night in my head, wishing i’d kissed you before you’d rejected me. and how now i wish you’d be waiting at my house, not even with flowers, i just want what little we had back. i just want the companionship.

*crumbles to the floor in tears* I want to take back all of the times i teased you, all of the bad things you didn’t like, i’d do it all over again, if i could just keep you this time.

Derringer Meryl [healing process] Out

I’ve fallen in love with Postal Service thanks to Friendjamin from work– 🙂 and this is my all time favorite song of theirs. Artemis says it’s the best break up song ever. And I agree. It’s not conventional– but still– good. Awesome, and amazing.

LYRIC SPEW! Postal Service, Nothing Better

Will someone please call a surgeon who can

crack my ribs and repair this broken heart that

you’re deserting for better company?

I can’t accept that it’s over: I will block the door

like a goalie tending the net in the third quarter

of a tied-game of rivalry

So just say how to make it right

and I swear I’ll do my best to comply

Tell me am I right to think that there could be

nothing better

then making you my bride and slowly growing

old together

I feel I must interject here, you’re getting carried

away, feeling sorry for youself with these

revisions and gaps in history.

So let me help you remember. I’ve made charts

and graphs that should finally make it clear.

I’ve prepared a lecture on why I have to leave

So please back away and let me go

I can’t my darling I love you so…

Tell me am I right to think that there could be

nothing better

than making you my bride and slowly growing

old together

don’t you feed me lines about some idealistic

future

your heart won’t heal right if you keep tearing

out the sutures

I admit that I have made mistakes and I swear

I’ll never wrong you again

you’ve got a lure I can’t deny, but you’ve had

your chance so say goodbye

Derringer Meryl [Ripping sutures] Out

Wedding Bells? Is that what I can hear?

Yeah, it is. My friend Hikergirl, is getting married this month. I’m excited for her, just because she’s so happy. I can’t help but wishing her the best, and I’m going to get her a present from me… just me, not my parents too. *smiles*

See– the year my brother and sister-in-law got married, i had a real rough time with them getting married– I wrote about it in here, I just can’t remember where i did, for the life of me. … anyway. It was way hard for me. and for some reason, I told her– I told her, this friend of mine. In fact I told everyone in my ward that i tried to kill myself. I don’t know why I did, and i still don’t– but i was walking back to the car to go back down the canyon (i wasn’t camping with the rest of them.) and she hugged me so tight– so tight… that i knew she cared. I knew it meant something to her– me living. We were never close– not like Red and I are, or anything, but we always had something– we’d talk and what not– and i wish her the best in her new life. The very best. If there’s anyone in this world who deserves it, it’s her. I never told her how much it meant to me– that hug– but you bet i will.

Life is made up of little moments– like that one — that make it worth living.

Derringer Meryl [If i could do anything] Out