Undone

We have lowered our themometer down to 65 in an attempt to keep our Heating bill down (HAHA!) and have been using our fireplace more and more. Mostly because it’s easier to burn boxes (from moving) and other cardboard and paper from around the house (as well as some wood the previous owners left behind.) It usually keeps the house warm for 4-5  hours at 70+ degrees. I appreciate the fire, and after getting our last bill, I nearly fainted. The main problem we encounter is that SCOTT likes to be cold (fans open windows) where as i like to be warm. So I have taken to dressing warmer (long sleeves, socks slippers etc) and dressing katie warmer too (since she tends to be with me on the warm v cold thing) It’s been an interesting time. Even though it’s only been 24 hours, It’s become clear I need to invest in some warm PJ’s for Katie as most of what she has now are summer Pj’s…

Also I’m going to do something my mom did when we were growing up, cover windows with plastic to keep the warm in and the cold out. We have no curtains (Sadly) and no curtain rods either, so I we don’t have ANYTHING keeping the heat in!

UGH. But it’s nothing horrible.

I did my glucose test yesterday. The Lab people told me I might fail because I ate breakfast (UGH, I don’t enjoy the thought of doing a 3 hr test… four blood draws too! UGH UGH UGH!) but it was just eggs. They took 6 vials of blood and I was there for … I’d say an hour and a half. I had to get all the admitting paperwork done. I felt weird, every one else (all the other pg women) were like 24-28 weeks, and I was there to take the same test … 9 weeks. Oh well.  I Hope everything turns out ok. I have been working really hard on keeping myself unstressed. I’m being extra non confrontational. I nearly exploded when Scott told me he was scheduled to work Christmas, especially since he worked last year and a lot of holidays this year. (and last year for that matter) Luckily Frik fixed it and found some one to take Scott’s place. Which I really appreciated– Scott had to work last Christmas, it was quite depressing for me, I dont’ like being alone on Holidays, but Everyone else was with family, and while i could have stayed in SLC but there wouldn’t have been anyone to take me home.

we’re going to a baby blessing (wahoo) today, so I need to wake Scott up shortly, and get Katie dressed, as well as myself. it’s going to be an interesting afternoon. 😀

Derringer Meryl [how sweet] out

I feel stressed. Very very stressed. I need a good job. I need a great job. I need a brain numbingly good job.

I think i’m getting worse– just wanting to stay with Scott and Scott only. I’m getting obscenely rude and moody.

I don’t know what is going on. I don’t know how i feel. Except angry. Very angry.

*sighs*

Derringer Meryl [Tired] Out

sometimes i over exaggerate. Scott and my mom have conferred and agreed that I over exaggerated my emotions on my previous entry. I have gotten upset, but not over anything that wasn’t worth getting upset over.

I still said somethings that I wish I could take back and stuff some place where I’d never see them again… but what’s done is done. That’s that.

This week has been super busy, I found my boquet (sp?) and flowers for Scott and everyone to wear. (cause in the world, there’s only three people: Me, Scott, and everyone else.) *coughs at the vague reference* I’d like to point out to my siblings who would like to throttle the commentor in the previous post that it’d be friendly not to, and I”m sure he meant NO harm by his comments.

I’ve learned to just roll with the proverbial punches.

I remember watching movies (Like School of Rock) where the girlfriend absolutely hates her boyfriend’s best friend. I’ve always hated those girls, and totally rocked out when they get burnt. I’m sorry. If you really love someone, you love who they love. Their family and their friends. I’m safe in the knowledge that I’m not bridezilla, as I paint myself to be, I just don’t always handle pressure well. And I don’t deal well with the idea of spending time with Scott to pick out what kind of stamps we’re having on our invites. Psh. What a waste of quality Scott time. I could snuggle, or talk. Or simply bask in the knowledge of the fact that i’m his, and he’s mine.

I belong. Wow. that’s new.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my testimony of the Church lately, since I’m taking a big step with going to the temple and all… For some reason being with Scott is like some BIG clarification of any questions I may have once had. I used to wonder why Christ would want to Die for someone like me. I don’t see a lot of worth within myself. (If you hadn’t noticed) I knew I was special, and that I was God’s Spiritual Child. I just … didn’t see why it mattered. well… Why I mattered, more specifically.

Now I get it.

I don’t know why it didn’t fit before. I knew God wanted me to be happy. But nothing felt happy. I wasn’t warm fuzzy at Church like the other girls. They were very happy and content. People were always talking about how they felt sad and lonely until they found the church. I didn’t understand why I didn’t feel like that. Why I didn’t feel all sorts of warm and ooey gooey when I went to church. Sure, I’d had a few moments, but nothing like anyone was describing to me. I understood that Christ Died because he wanted God to be Happy, and for God to be happy, all his children would come back to him.

I saw nothing pure or good about myself that God would want. For the longest time I thought I was dirty and soiled. I didn’t understand why my own family wanted to associate with me, let alone others. Now I can see it. It’s like it took Scott to come along and say “You’re worth something, you’re worth SO much” for me to understand. it’s not like he’s said anything different than anyone else has… it’s simply how he says it. He won’t let me laugh it off or look away, or anything. He earnestly wants me to see the good in me. He’s not my Young Women’s leader who wants me to smile like all the other girls so she can have a full set. He wants me to smile because that’s what he does. Makes me smile. Life was empty before. There was no reason for living. Not really. I stayed alive on the simple premise of “If you kill yourself, that’s a straight shot to hell.”

Once I almost Killed myself on the idea that God wanted me to be happy, and there was no way I could be happy here.

I know why there’s a forever now. I know why Christ Died. I can’t explain it to you. I don’t want to. it’s my tender and sacred experience of the Divine. the blessed and happy number nine.

I don’t know it all. I can’t tell you what i know. Wouldn’t do any good anyway…. because it’s mine. I dare you to explore it. Explore why you’re living and breathing and still existing. for the longest time I was a waste of space. Now I live. With a Reason.

it’s new. it’s fresh. i love it. i love him.

Derringer Meryl [glorious day] Out

All sorts of icky acidy goodness filling my stomach.

I’m tired of my job. I mean, I love my job. I’m tired of never working. I haven’t worked since the third of April. That’s sixteen days, and only three of those days I’m unable to work. Okay, Five, if you count tuesdays.

ALL THE SAME. I have a paycheck i’m getting now that is going to be nothing. as in NO money. I feel like pulling my hair out. I hate not working. I hate not having a job, i feel useless and like I’m a mooch. No one ever says it to me, but I do. I feel like a mooch and I”m feeding off of other people. Especially Scott. I feel like I’m really coasting off of his paycheck, and i know it puts a lot of stress on him. Or at least I feel like I put a lot of stress on him. I’m exhausted from feeling like i’m living in two places.

and helpless and insane. I don’t know how to do anything. I don’t know how to pick out a good apartment, I don’t know how to cook very well. i apparently can’t write (according to my teacher) I like to vaccum in skirts, and I bite the skin on the inside of my cheeks. I don’t own a car, I wish I did. I dont’ know how to do anything well enough to make a job of it, with the psycho exception of the alphabet. I know the alphabet, and I know it well enough to be paid an amazingly low amount to put disgusting germy games back in order for four hours a week. No one cares.

and I just sit back and let bad things, like this damn work insanity, happen to me because i have this brain impairment that makes me think “I deserve bad things that happen to me” I dont’ know where it came from. I don’t know why i have it. I just do.

and i feel like my brain is slowly leaking out my ears thanks to everywhere my mind has to be at once. School, and work and wedding plans, after wedding plans…. work and the like. New job, apartment (which i know nothing about finding a good apartment) I’m starting to just … ooze stress.

I was thinking about this quote last night. Scott was saying that he wished that people were more rational about things. It made me think of this: “Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping… …waiting… And though unwanted… …unbidden… it will stir…open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us… guides us… Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love… the clarity of hatred… and the ecstasy of grief.It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we’d know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank… Without passion, we’d be truly dead.”

I believe it. I believe that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. Indifference, the lack of passion, is what kills everyone. It’s what makes the rejected weep and neglected children exist. I always used to think that if my Dad hit me, at least i’d know how he felt about me. (not that he ever did, i’m just saying) the not knowing… that’s what kills you. The wondering if it’s true. Floundering between one place and another. Not knowing how someone feels, and then finding that person feels nothing, not good nor bad…. not evoking any sort of emotion in a person can kill you.

Passion: intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction

How can you live without it? I’m not saying you should let your passions rule you (too many people do, thus the STD out break-y non-goodness.) Let them fill you. And show restraint. I’m definitely not saying “Go out and be tempted on purpose! WHEE!” That’d just be stupid. No… Live. Be free. Feel emotions. Be angry when you’re angry, and be sad when you’re sad, and show it when you’re happy. Live in the moment of what you’re feeling. Love it.

Derringer Meryl [Do Not Seek Out Danger] Out

Feeling the pressure of other not so happy things happening in my life right now. I guess it’s the after Christmas sting. My family could use me to give up the ghost at Gamestop and work some place that pays me decent…. oh and works me decent hours. It’s just hard to find a job late at night, ya know? Most REAL jobs are during the day. I think i’m just gonna have to stick to school until after finals, find a real job, and work Gamestop and a real job at the same time. There just is no winning. I don’t like feeling the stress of needing money. If I wasn’t so sold on the whole society thing, i’d be a hermit and not need all of this crap.

It’s hard. Really Really hard. I haven’t saved a spec for college next term. I haven’t focused on anything really. I need to do something, ANYTHING to make up the difference. If I could, I’d work at a restaurant, but most places won’t hire me yet. I’m not twenty-one so I can’t work for them yet, as far as I know. Besides, I would have to ask Gert to make my schedule stable enough so I could actually get another job. Then there’s the question, when would i have time for me? Two jobs and full time school. Ick. I’d pretty much be cutting out any time i could spend with Scott or anyone else for that matter. Besides the fact I don’t know when I’d do my homework. *sighs* I can see the option of taking up sunday work at work, then i could get one extra shift in a week.

But…. I really don’t want to do that.

Blah. Onto other things.

Like happy things. I went to see Marco today. He says it’s nice to see me with a huge grin on my face. I have to say that it’s nice to be grinning this much. I like the reason that i’m grinning too. 🙂 I’m waiting to do my homework until later on tonight, i’m such a procrastinator, so i can talk to Scott while i’m doing it. 😉 it’s just so much more fun to do things when i’m talking to him, it’s funner just being around him. I smile and I talk, and I say things… and i’m just giddy that i met him, and that i know him. He’s different from anyone else i’ve ever met. It makes me smile, just thinking about it. Sorta makes all the bad things go away in life. It’s really … really…. nice. It’s wonderful. I don’t think i know words for how good it feels. 🙂 I definitely want to spend more time with him. Normally i’m a pretty shy person, but when i’m with Scott, i just feel like i don’t need to be. Like it’s okay.

Like I’ll be okay.

Anyway, I have a lyric Spew, I may have already done this one but i’m not sure i care. It’s Postal Service Which is one my favorite bands, groups, whatever. I’m not sure what they are. *nods* but this is their song Such Great Heights.

was thinking it’s a sign that the freckles

in our eyes are mirror images and when

we kiss they’re perfectly aligned

and I have to speculate that god himself

did make us into corresponding shapes like

puzzle pieces from the clay

and true, it may seem like a stretch, but

its thoughts like this that catch my troubled

head when you’re away when I am missing

you to death

when you are out there on the road for

several weeks of shows and when you scan

the radio, I hope this song will guide you

home

they will see us waving from such great

heights, “come down now,” they’ll say

but everything looks perfect from far away,

“come down now,” but we’ll stay…

I tried my best to leave this all on your

machine but the persistent beat it sounded

thin upon listening

and that frankly will not fly. you will hear

the shrillest highs and lowest lows with

the windows down when this is guiding

you home

Anyway, i’m flipping through some job ads, so I better keep my mind on that for a while. I might start my homework at nine or so, maybe. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [No Body Else] Out