Nov
24
2003
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Playing a fool

That’s what I am. A huge fool. For letting my heart take control of my mouth, time and time again… and everyone beats me down, for being loves… uhh.. well I can’t say.. Ohh. Okay, Love’s Slave. I’m honestly always doing what my heart tells me to. It’s not a good way to live. Not really anyway. It’s …. complicated. Especially when the rest of the world lives by their head.

No one is quite the old style romantic I am. I seriously belong in the victorian times. Except guys then would find me appalling because i’m so vocal. :) Shame on me. Heh.

So basically, no one now will date me, and no one then would. I’m a girl out of time. *laughs* Here goes 6,902!

Go Back, SweetHaven

Why don’t you go back?

I know you wouldn’t hurt anymore

Than when you left

Then you would not have to be alone

You only for you, you say you’re happy

Whoopity Doo!

You know that’s not true, and they know it too

You’re playing the fool

Go back, go

So you say it’s whack

Sleep, you get next to none

You’re having a meltdown and jumping the gun

You’ve heard of suggestions that hit like a ton

Well I’ll give you one…

Go back, go

So you say it’s wack go

If you don’t go the end we’ll be sad

If you won’t then you’ll lose all you had

You’ve been running hard

You can’t find your place

And the memories won’t erase

Go back, go

So you say it’s wack

What threw you off track?

Always has been one of my favorite songs. :) Go RM CD. :)

Derringer Meryl [It’s what i do] Out

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Nov
22
2003
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Rambles, nothing particular

Finally.

In my readings of millions (okay, just lots, okay) fanfictions, and novels as well as novellettes… that one think remains true…..

The meeting of two lovers is possibly the sweetest thing ever. Romantic, heartwarming, and just… one big warm fuzzy. *sighs*

On the other hand, we were talking, for some reason, at work about drinking. Yes as in Alcohol. Before all of you wig, we weren’t drinking. I’ll never EVER drink. I’ve seen the social decay it’s caused in several people who were at one point close to me…. anyway. We were talking about how someone threw up in Gert’s bed, because she wasn’t feeling well and she was lying down there…. i digress… we were theorizing what kind of drunk i would be. A funny drunk, like some people are, an angry drunk, like off an after school special, or a horny drunk…. and I think you know what I mean.

Both Artemis and Gert agreed that i’d be a horny drunk. (mutters) thanks guys. Not that i’d necessarily sleep with people, they added afterwords, that i’d simply be touchy feely. I had to agree. Suppressed tendencies would be … unsuppressed when inebriated….

and i’m a huggy person. Oh yes, but– people dont’ like to be hugged. ANd i don’t like to be hugged just because…. like “Hey you’re a person, wanna hug?” Naw, I’m not like that. Nope.

*sighs* Have you ever just rambled and wished you could stop yourself, but … can’t. like your mouth has a mind of it’s own.

and then you wish you could take it all back— Oh yes…

taking it back would be nice.

Derringer Meryl [Fin for the week]

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Nov
15
2003
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I miss holding hands– most of all.

Late nights. Dont’ you just LOVE them? I know I do. So I could burst into song about how it’s another friday night, and I aint got no body, and what not– but honestly– I’m not with the minding of not having an “Other” right now. stuff gets too confusing when you’re emotionally attached to someone– Or maybe I just make it too confusing. I’m betting on the latter of the two. :)

I had an InuYasha-a-thon, with the anime and some fics. Oi. Some of the fics i’ve read in the past few days are very well written, as well as very romantic. *gets all starry eyed* And we all know how Meryl loves a little romance.

My mom and I were talking in the car today about how Jaded I am. I admit it, I’m pretty bitter about romance for loving it so much. I only like romance in cartoons. My mom said that it’s cute, but not believable, I mean, it’s just cartoons, right? Well, see, In cartoons, Romance is perfect. It’s a controlled romance environment. *nods* and in real life, it’s well… real. There’s fighting, and divorces, and adultery, and people sleeping with their babysitters… and rejection. Mind games. I guess it’s easier to be the onlooker. I wish I could always be the onlooker, who helps people out.

*eyebrows furrow* No– I just wish I could have that perspective sometimes when I’m working out my own problems….

*eyebrow twitches* and what is it with guys anyway? I mean– Sheesh. Okay, I apparently can’t even put words to the anger that i’m feeling– so yeah. But I mean– with the not empathy and the not sympathy. Good grief!! Does that kind of stuff just come with estrogen or something? Because I have met very few men who feel sympathy. And you know what? It doesn’t even matter if it’s genuine, just as long as it’s not patronizing… A nod, and a “Man that sucks” or something isn’t that hard of a feat to achieve.

Oh, and the lack of being able to mannerly respond. Like when someone says “How are you today?” and the guy is like “Oh I’m pretty good.” and that’s it. No “How about you?”

I have to admit, I struggle with this one when i’m talking in person, because i’m sorta… introverted, more shy than not…. but I try. Honestly. And the lack of a curious mind, or something. It’s a baited statement when someone says “Man, I’m really not feeling good today” for you to say “Oh, What seems to be the problem” Good freaking gravy. How hard is that?

MY BIGGEST PET PEEVE is when guys check out a girl (not subtly, quite openly with a “How you doin’?” remark and all…) and says how pretty they are, and what part of them is pretty and what not– and does not even mention something that looks nice about you. Hair, Dress, Pants, Shirt, Necklace, shoes, PICK SOMETHING! You’ve got a whole girl in front of you with millions of things you could compliment her on. TRY IT!!

*sighs angrily* I don’t really know where that came from. Honestly. I was happy… and I am happy… except for that damn escapade with my contact… (I went and got a new one, which I will wear tomorrow to work.) I don’t feel like sleeping. I feel like …. not sleeping

My night– *blinks* I was thinking about Kagome and Inu Yasha… and how she loves him, and that he may not be who she wanted. Not who everyone had picked out for her, but he’s there. He’s there for her. And he comforts her, and he protects her…. and he falls in love with her.

and honestly, that’s sorta what I want to. Not so much the ego maniac who wants to kill me (literally) The first time we meet– but someone who is haphazardly placed in a situation with me, that seems — unlikely.

I’d like it to be a little fated feeling. I mean, I dont’ strictly believe in fate…. but– still. It’d be nice.

Ya know?

Derringer Meryl [Raving Loon] Out

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Oct
15
2003
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Lovely Arguments

2003-10-15 – 1:02 a.m.

Up late, i know, Shame on me. YOu can beat me with a ruler later on, okay? Blah, I was just watching a little Love Hina in the form of a AMV (anime music video) to the song “I’m like Yeah, but she’s all no” It’s really good… :)

and i admit, i’m the typical girl, who watches Love Hina and says “Where The Hell is my Keitaro? Why doesn’t anyone love me enough that i beat them to a pulp and they still love me?” (Whether that beating is emotional or physical, doesn’t really matter in this case.) Then I think about it, how many Keitaro’s have i chased off by my abrasive words and actions, HELL attitude?

This is where the inner war starts… Good Me, Evil Me

Anyone would run away from the way you act. The way you act is completely condescending to the ‘Keitaro’ type. You’re rude, and you stop their advances before they even start.

But what is a ‘Keitaro’ boy without his ‘Naru’ Girl? Nothing? That’s the true test of his love, will he stand her abrasive attitude towards him because of his feelings for her.

Abrasive attitude? Excuse me, we like to call that abuse.

Good for you. In the end, Keitaro ends up with the girl who was just scared of her feelings, that’s why she was being rude to him. Besides, it’s not abusive, it’s self defense mechanisms. Naru is protecting herself from a particularly emotionally painful situation. That’s all.

I see. So what your saying, is that if a person has certain pre-set reactions to certain behaviors, it’s okay if it becomes abusive?

Shall we look up the word abuse? *coughs and pulls her Dictionary out* “Abuse: improper or excessive use or treatment.” Protecting yourself from what you precieve to be a dangerous situation is not abuse. She does not take advantage of the fact that he loves her– except that one time she made him spend all of his money– but that was because he asked her on a date, and then didn’t want to buy lunch…

Uh-Huh, Right, except that one time, she invited him into her room, and then punched him out.

His PANTS were around his legs. IT was sheer coincidence on his part, but still, threatening situation for Naru, and she reacted accordingly. As you are by protecting yourself from men. You know what they want. You’ve seen it before– it’s okay to protect yourself from what you perceive to be a bad situation….

Whatever. You’re on Crack.

I know I’m right.

Who would have thought it– the devil won again! 😀

Derringer Meryl [superiors all around] Out

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Oct
08
2003
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I’m not perfect, but God, Do I try

2003-10-08 – 12:52 a.m.

Okay, i’ve tried to hide it, amid my other shames, but i cannot hide it anymore.

I love sappy romance Novels. I hate it, it’s embarrassing, i know it. Obviously i wouldn’t have hidden it if it wasnt’ so embarrassing to me. My favorite series of all time is the Sea Series, Written By Jean Ferris. She’s [?] an amazing author. (If it’s a guy, thne it’s more amazing, and then one has to wonder, with how well he writes, he must be gayer than all hell.) There are three books in the series, and in the end, the last has to be my favorite (think about it, it’s really the climax of any trilogy) But just so you know the first one is called Into the Wind, Song of the Sea, and Weather the Storm I’m sure that on the outside they look like any other lonely girl special, that is rippling biceps and supple breasts… yada yada yada. Not really. Very action Packed…. with some of that yummy guy imagery (since it is written from the girl’s POV, she very rarely, if ever, refers to her breasts or anything like that….) so yeah.

Here’s the basic layout. The guy who rescues her is a complete JERK (I wanted to put another word there, but prudence tells me not to…) he sets her workplace on fire, kills her dad, and *cough* rescues her from her dull life. Sure she’s gotten into something more exciting, but sheesh. … To complicate things, she, like most girls, falls in love with the freakish jerk. (Don’t get me wrong, he’s one foxy good kissin’ freakish jerk, but jerk all the same. we can’t ignore that fact.) I mostly get to read the second book (it’s fairly awesome) but while it has more action than the last, it’s certainly not as happy.

*shifty eyes* This is where it gets sad, i have to admit that I, the high and mighty AP English student, has been reading these for quite a while. *coughs* it gets worse, these books are intended for ninth graders, and considering i’m a freshman in college, it makes me sound– really really uber pathetic. *frowns* but it’s like a tradition. I read these books through my first messy break up (and yeah, it was messy because i cling. I admit that.) and so i just want to get my own copies so i can read them through all my future break ups, and then someday give them to my daughter so she can read them through her break ups.

I was watching Inu Yasha again. I know, again with the crazy, but it’s like a romance movie in action. Girl loves Dog Boy, Dog boy loves girl, Dog Boy and Girl believe they are betrayed by one another, Girl dies, girl gets re-incarnated into very pretty girl, Pretty girl enters Dog Boy’s Life, Dog Boy is confused but slightly turned on. *shrugs* See, Drama. I enjoy it. ANyway, they were talking about how it was shameful how Inu Yasha (Dog Boy) and Kikyo (girl) had fallen in love, which reminded me of the saying…

You don’t choose who you fall in love with — you just fall.

which for those of you who are keeping score is from my *coughs* Mexico story I was reading at school that one time. *winks* Love is Love, no matter how you look at it. It isn’t always healthy. It isn’t always right, but it’s always love. (Becareful, Lust looks a lot like it, just — hussied up a little, ya know?)

*sweatdrop* Have you ever tried to get something out of your mind, some… *shakes her head* and it just won’t get out? Like take a song for instance, you just think of another song, right? But what if you don’t want to. You love that song being stuck in your head…. Like on Friday I had only one portion of The Postal Service’s, Nothing Better, stuck in my head, all day. I’m not even joking. I had my CD player, and I considered turning it on, listening to some tunes, and getting it out, by any means possible, but it just occurred to me, that i like it there.

and i guess if i like something being stuck in my head, i should probably shut the hell up about it, ne? *smirks* I’ll just have to remember that. won’t i?

I trust everyone. It’s the devil inside the person I don’t trust

Derringer Meryl [ignoring the devil] Out

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