Dec
16
2013
1

My mother’s hands

No one really reads my blog anymore, that’s ok. I’d post this to FB, but really i feel like it belongs in a place where someone could trip over it, but it’s not blasted into their face (like it would be on FB)

 

My mother is getting older. We all do. I mean I am, every second of my life. I dare say if my life goal was to get older, I would achieve it and feel very successful. She has always been very handy with her hands. Creative. My mother is not an artist in the sense that you would see her art hung on the walls of the Louvre or an art gallery in New York. Her art is in the way she can get the batter out of a bowl smoothly and easily with fast sweeps of a large white Tupperware spatula. The way she patiently, every year, tills the small plot of soil in her backyard, to plant vegetables, fruits, and beautiful flowers. The way she nurtures them the way she nurtured her kids. Patiently, and with a lot of hard work. Which I know is worth while when the kids ask if they can go get a watermelon from Grandma’s yard. my mother’s hands are not the hands of a woman who has sat idly by and watched other do the work for her. She has dug in, and done her share. More than her share. They have checked oil levels in our family car and felt for fevers. They have canned peaches, and sewn countless dresses (for me, my kids and numberless dolls). They have steadily worked at tedious work, repetitive and calming. She has scrubbed dishes, floors and tubs. She has worked, every day of her adult life. She would tell you though, there were periods she was unemployed. Which I would disagree. She has taught her children, she has loved them. She has sat with her young son on her lap and pulled out slivers from his knees. My mother has packed and unpacked countless boxes. Her hands have impulsively locked car doors for absolutely no reason as she drives down the street. Her mind is sharp, and lovely. She has held my hand, when I needed it, and sometimes when I thought I didn’t (no doubt, my kids have to get that from somewhere!) she has picked up toys and dishes, without thanks. My mom is amazing. I wish i had all the millions of amazing wonderful words to say it. I wish I could spin a terrific turn of phrase to show you the wonderfulness of it all. She’s a great person. I love her a lot. Which is like saying that a diamond is pretty. it lacks the emphasis and power you want it to.

anyway. it’s entirely too late tonight. I am feeling a little misty-eyed about my family (it being the holiday’s and all) and just thought I’d wax poetic about my mom for a bit.

Derringer Meryl [It doesn’t have to be] Out

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Jun
15
2004
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Powerlessly Paranoid

The thing that worries me most about getting married and moving away…. by Derringer Meryl….

My parents. More specifically my mom. I love my mom. SO much. I don’t know if this falls in line with needing to cut the apron strings or what…. but i worry about her being at home with my dad. When i was there, I could at least comfort her with my presence… (wow that sounds cocky…) I could help her, and understand. Now i’m not sure what to do. I guess that’s the weird thing about moving away.

My mom has always been my best friend. she’s always told me what to do when stuff got tough, and …. i don’t know how to explain it. Mom’s just always been there. Always.

So it feels weird. Not to mention i worry a lot about her.

I worry that something bad will happen to her while i’m not there. That she’ll finally hit the point of no return with tolerance for my dad… I know she’s getting there. Most everyone does….

*sighs*

Derringer Meryl [Paranoid?] out

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Jun
12
2004
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Can I never go home again

so… i’ve been married for… like four days…. and let me tell you….

i love it.

sure, it hasn’t all been peachy (already) like Scott and i went on our honeymoon and got really sick. (I got throw up sick, but scott doesn’t throw up anymore… apparently) He just got an aweful head ache. So I spent a lot of time wishing i was dead because of the aweful pain i felt in my stomach. (it hurt really bad) and Scott kept holding his head saying how much it hurt. (I imagine it did, really badly)

I’m getting better about things…. like my self esteem. i can feel it boosting, it’s great. I love feeling so good about myself.

and can i tell you, walmart is a scary place on a saturday. Very scary. i don’t like it.

We got scott some pajamas… they’re super cute… Oscar the Grouch pajama pants. it was happy. I’m So happy here. *yawns* and tired. Very tired.

I thought i’d update before it got too much later. … I’d like to say thank you to all my sibs (The Specialist, Dax, Wudan) and their wives (Antigone and Sukie) for being at the Temple when we got out. Oh, and special thanks to Luke. He’s super cute, and I loved having him there. Scott’s so thrilled that he’s an uncle now. :)

We’ll be up in the Valley tomorrow (for those of you who live there) and i just thought i’d mention that. I love you guys.

thanks so much to my aunts and my mom for all the prep they did. I appreciate it so much. I don’t normally say people’s names on here, but if I didn’t mention you specifically, i’d feel all sorts of awful.

So thanks Aunt Linda and Aunt Verdean. You guys are so great. thank you for the help with the reception and the quilts and the party and everything. I’m sure i’m missing like fifty million things you gals did for me, but I just want you to know i appreciate what you do for me. You’re great.

*yawns* must clean off bed. Must finish list of things i need to remember from home.

Derringer Meryl [Old Home, New Home] out

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May
27
2004
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just guilty

sometimes i over exaggerate. Scott and my mom have conferred and agreed that I over exaggerated my emotions on my previous entry. I have gotten upset, but not over anything that wasn’t worth getting upset over.

I still said somethings that I wish I could take back and stuff some place where I’d never see them again… but what’s done is done. That’s that.

This week has been super busy, I found my boquet (sp?) and flowers for Scott and everyone to wear. (cause in the world, there’s only three people: Me, Scott, and everyone else.) *coughs at the vague reference* I’d like to point out to my siblings who would like to throttle the commentor in the previous post that it’d be friendly not to, and I”m sure he meant NO harm by his comments.

I’ve learned to just roll with the proverbial punches.

I remember watching movies (Like School of Rock) where the girlfriend absolutely hates her boyfriend’s best friend. I’ve always hated those girls, and totally rocked out when they get burnt. I’m sorry. If you really love someone, you love who they love. Their family and their friends. I’m safe in the knowledge that I’m not bridezilla, as I paint myself to be, I just don’t always handle pressure well. And I don’t deal well with the idea of spending time with Scott to pick out what kind of stamps we’re having on our invites. Psh. What a waste of quality Scott time. I could snuggle, or talk. Or simply bask in the knowledge of the fact that i’m his, and he’s mine.

I belong. Wow. that’s new.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my testimony of the Church lately, since I’m taking a big step with going to the temple and all… For some reason being with Scott is like some BIG clarification of any questions I may have once had. I used to wonder why Christ would want to Die for someone like me. I don’t see a lot of worth within myself. (If you hadn’t noticed) I knew I was special, and that I was God’s Spiritual Child. I just … didn’t see why it mattered. well… Why I mattered, more specifically.

Now I get it.

I don’t know why it didn’t fit before. I knew God wanted me to be happy. But nothing felt happy. I wasn’t warm fuzzy at Church like the other girls. They were very happy and content. People were always talking about how they felt sad and lonely until they found the church. I didn’t understand why I didn’t feel like that. Why I didn’t feel all sorts of warm and ooey gooey when I went to church. Sure, I’d had a few moments, but nothing like anyone was describing to me. I understood that Christ Died because he wanted God to be Happy, and for God to be happy, all his children would come back to him.

I saw nothing pure or good about myself that God would want. For the longest time I thought I was dirty and soiled. I didn’t understand why my own family wanted to associate with me, let alone others. Now I can see it. It’s like it took Scott to come along and say “You’re worth something, you’re worth SO much” for me to understand. it’s not like he’s said anything different than anyone else has… it’s simply how he says it. He won’t let me laugh it off or look away, or anything. He earnestly wants me to see the good in me. He’s not my Young Women’s leader who wants me to smile like all the other girls so she can have a full set. He wants me to smile because that’s what he does. Makes me smile. Life was empty before. There was no reason for living. Not really. I stayed alive on the simple premise of “If you kill yourself, that’s a straight shot to hell.”

Once I almost Killed myself on the idea that God wanted me to be happy, and there was no way I could be happy here.

I know why there’s a forever now. I know why Christ Died. I can’t explain it to you. I don’t want to. it’s my tender and sacred experience of the Divine. the blessed and happy number nine.

I don’t know it all. I can’t tell you what i know. Wouldn’t do any good anyway…. because it’s mine. I dare you to explore it. Explore why you’re living and breathing and still existing. for the longest time I was a waste of space. Now I live. With a Reason.

it’s new. it’s fresh. i love it. i love him.

Derringer Meryl [glorious day] Out

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May
21
2004
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This One Thing

I’m getting Jazzed. . .

I’m getting frazzled. . .

Either way, energy around the house is rising (not physical energy, just wow energy) so much to do, and so little time.

I’d like to mention again right now that MY MOM ROCKS and is a great person. She has been driving the neighbors around this week (in addition to wedding and regular mom duties) because their car is in the shop. Mom’s just that nice. Super fantastic and I appreciate her so much. And If I had any monitary way to show it, I would. Oh Yes… i would.

Tomorrow is my first Bridal shower. I’m excited. I’m gonna let them stick ribbons in my hair (the kind that are from presents) so Scott has to take them out…. cause he has to take each one out with a kiss. I’m an awesome sport about silly traditions. I demand kissies!

I got miffed at Scott the other day. I was being stupid, and would love to chalk it up to stress and hormones– but I hate it when people pawn their actions off on something they can control but act like they can’t. I used to be in control of my emotions. *kicks herself* The whole situation made me realize that i’m a dork and really self centered. (Scott may try and say I’m not. I doubt it though, I was on a rampage. It was bad. and I’m really REALLY sorry.)

I just got the news that Giggles has had her Baby. A sweet baby boy, NINE POUNDS! Wow! Congrats to Giggles and her hubby!!!! I’m so excited for her!

Anyway. I have a dress fitting today. I love my dress. It’s so pretty. I love it so much. SO MUCH!

Derringer Meryl [Ups and Downs] Out

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