Sep
11
2012
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Burned out.

I have been more burned out than I am now, FOR SURE, but I am kind of sick of everything.
Maybe If I were more mature things would be in line better. Maybe If I were more disciplined. I’m SO exhausted. I feel like every day is all running. wake up, run wake katie up, fight her to get dressed, go to work, fight to stay focused and get lots done, then fight home in traffic, fight to get the house clean, fight to get something done, fight the urge to roll into bed until the next day, fight the kids on getting in the bath, then fight them to get out, fight with them on how many stories they get, yes it’s time for bed, yes brush your teeth, yes jammies on, no you don’t get 3 stories, you get one for how much you’ve argued. Go to bed, stop kicking your sister. Once they SEEM to be to sleep I take time for myself while running laundry through.

Send the kids back to bed, then go to bed myself (like at 12-1 in the morning) and start all over.

Oh and don’t forget the calls during the day of “Did you get Katie to school? are you going to pick her up?” call and confirm the dentist, call and schedule the doctor.

 

Remind, remember, remind, remember. I feel like I have a shit-ton (excusez-moi for my french) that I’m doing, all the time. Every day at work is crunch, and HEY why don’t I heap more responsibilities onto what you do, but we won’t be giving you a raise for your increased responsibilities.

 

I do like doing what I’m doing, I just don’t feel like I’m fairly compensated for the time I’m levying into them. I wish I could find those FREAKING books. They’re like $2 books in quality, but I’m sure if we have to pay to replace them, they’ll be $30 each … GOSH.

 

I was talking with my boss the other day and I said I’d love to have copies of myself. One to be at work, one to be at home, and one to goof off (and we’d cycle through which of us got to do what each day), so we could all be balanced. I just… feel like I could use an extra set of hands. Someone to do the laundry while I’m trying to get the kids in bed. One person set on permanent “SEARCH FOR LOST STUFF” mode I guess. *sigh*
Somedays I feel like I’m the only person who cares. i’m one person running the lives of four. I’m exhausted.

 

Derringer Meryl [D-O-N-E] Out

Written by admin in: Uncategorized | Tags: , ,
May
27
2011
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Rambling

WARNING: HORRIBLY OFFENSIVE POST AHEAD:

You know what needs to go? People saying that mom’s just don’t get a day off from being moms. I call BULLSHIT (sorry for the swearing mom) I will full on agree that my mom has been pluggin’ at being a mom (and has worn other hats at the same time too) for nigh on 30 odd years. She gets tired, and i won’t lie and say she’s never asked for help or anything, but everyone deserves a hand…. and that’s what I’m saying. It’s bullshit that we say things like “that’s just how it is being a mom” NO. No it’s not. That’s how we let it be being a mom. It’s like women (myself included) enjoy being some sort of martyr or what not to the cause of perfect motherhood. BS!! *throws something against the wall* I am Meryl and I am here to stand proud and say it loud that I AM NOT PERFECT, and I like it that way. I don’t always make a home made dinner from oats that I rolled by hand that morning while watching the sunrise, or some such BS. If you can do that, great. FABULOUS. If you love doing that, EVEN MORE POWER TO YOU. But don’t get up in my face waving on and on about “How great” it is what you’re doing. It floats your boat. GOODY For you. It’s like going in front of a person who can’t walk, and tap dancing while singing a song about how fabulous your legs are. JERK. I am physically incapable of doing EVERYTHING right. It’s just not possible. (plugs her ears while someone reads something out of a conference talk or whatever) Yeah, that’s great. But until Elder whats his bucket is going to get down in the trenches and help me muck out my house, I think he can stuff it too.

You know what I do every day? I wake up, far too early for how late I stay up cleaning, go to work. I work for 8 hours with customers who can’t speak English and are upset that I don’t speak… Macedonian or whatever, and I explain to them SOMEONE else’s rules and regulations. It’s not my company. Not that I particularly disagree with anything, but in any case– NOT MY BUSINESS, I tell it like it is, I get them gone, I go on to the next person who wants me to speak Latvian. NO. I don’t. Whatever. I put up with people twisting my words, or just not understanding– pretty much all day, between that I get to deal with some fun co-workers, and not so fun co-workers. Overall, I hear the following in the back of my head “Wonder what the kids are doing? I bet the spilled something on the carpet. What fresh hell awaits you at home? Did they brush their teeth this morning? I bet they didn’t. Don’t forget to reschedule Kate’s appointment. You need to pay the electricity bill. Also you need to do two loads of laundry and mow the lawn on Saturday. I hope it doesn’t rain. I should call Scott. Maybe not, he’s probably sleeping. I should let him sleep. Poor guy doesn’t sleep enough. I hope he’s ok. Maybe I should call and make sure he’s not having a low. I should get him into a doctor already. Did I take my pills today? I can’t remember. What day is it again? Oh I owe so in so some money. I should make sure to pay them back when I see them next. When is our next dentists appointment. I should check out a roofer for our house. I can call them on my break, and set up appointments. I need to look into Loans, do we have enough equity in our house for an equity loan. I don’t think so…..” You get the Idea. that is about an hour of what plays through my head between short conversations with co-workers. I am strategizing and scheduling. I am balancing. ALWAYS. Then I come home, Something has been messed up. INEVITABLY. Not like a little mess. The days where there is a little mess, I’m ok. Whatever. Big messes, like ice cream spread around the kitchen,¬† laundry party thrown (IE, all clean and dirty laundry intermixed. whee) all the toys taken out, scattered, nail polish/crayon/sharpie on the walls, cake flour dusted through the house, missing children, inexplicable water/soda/juice messes, chalk rubbed into carpet, etc. I’ll admit that all of these don’t happen on one day, but usually at least one a day.

That being said, at least once a month, I Lose it. I don’t mean like stuff gets forgotten, bills go unpaid. But that inner dialogue usually spills into something more like “Why am I doing all of this? Didn’t I ask for some help? why didn’t it get done…” and then it escalates into angry Mommy, and usually someone gets screamed at, over something that would usually simply try my patience. I try to refrain from exploding. I really do. I can hear Sukie saying “You should just let it out when you feel angry, don’t bottle. Your family is full of bottlers” it’s true. We bottle. WE bottle well. Now if we only did it for something useful, Like peaches. Oh well. I should let my anger out, but typically, it tends to be so fleeting that it passes in the moment and I don’t realize that I’ve pushed it down and just decided to conquer the task on my own. I feel, quite frankly, a little bit like Daria’s high school History teacher meets the little red hen.

angry guy

Seriously, this guy needs to relax. So do I. So when people take and say “oh mom’s don’t get a day off” all I can think is “A vein in my forehead just exploded!” and my face, I imagine, looks a little like this guy’s. Cause If I never get a day where I am not the person making things go, and getting this person to that place, and scheduling appointments and balancing house work and naggy customers, and one really OBNOXIOUS co-worker who doesn’t help out. I might go nuts. I seriously might have a break down. People think I”m over dramatic, but I’m not trying to be. I am trying to do the most that I can without A) looking like a total slacker and B) not going mental. I did work for the post office people. I”m not saying I’m down with guns and what not. Cause, honestly I’d probably shoot myself in the foot and it’d be so funny and… whatever, but I’m saying that I visualize every day, tackling some upper member of management’s back and just bashing their head against the ground.

I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.

I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.

I also grasp that this is one of the very violent images that springs to mind, but I never act on. Thank God. I just… I don’t think people realize how much I’m doing. Mostly from my ADD. I am consistently doing more than it appears that I am doing. I am never, even while surfing online, doing nothing.
Maybe this is just dawning on me. Maybe this is how everyone is. If that’s the case, how is everyone NOT angry all the time? Oh…. maybe all the women (who aren’t deeply in love with the 1950’s and that mindset) are? Listen, I don’t mind the 1950’s, I’d like to clean house and have dinner ready for my husband when he gets home too. Except he gets home at weird hours… Whatever. I’d like to wear a puffy house dress and vaccuum with pearls on and accidentally drug my children with benedryl so that I can relax and watch some soaps, or something like that. The truth is, I squeeze every last drop of what I can do out of most days. (at least when I’m not super exhausted, haha) I stay up late doing chores I can’t do when the kids are awake. I never see my husband, because he’s at work when I’m at home and I’m at home when he’s at work. Let’s not kid ourselves. We all wish our lives were different. We all would love to win the lottery, for whatever reason.¬† Even the people who are most satisfied with their lives are wishing for something just a bit more. Does that make us greedy or ambitious? Probably a little of both. All I know is I could use a vacation. A long one. Preferably by myself. Hell. I’d like 10 minutes alone in the bathroom with no one pounding on the door asking what I’m doing. I’m waving the white flag, life. Can’t we all just get along?

Derringer Meryl [What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?] Out

Written by admin in: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , ,
Jul
25
2010
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Don’t give me that.

I’m sick of people who tell me that being a mom is stressful and I should just get used to not being able to relax.

Excuse my french, but that’s Bullshit.

It’s all about taking time for yourself, and having people care about you enough to allow you to take time for yourself. I admit it’s not something that I’m good at, and it’s not something¬† I’ve taken the time to do. But it’s important!! Otherwise you’ll end up and burned out like me!

Derringer Meryl [dont tell me] out

Written by admin in: Uncategorized | Tags: , ,

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