Jul
05
2004
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This is my confession

Confessional

Lately I feel like when I post (when I actually do) I’m not completely honest. So here I go.

Being married is hard. Not between me and Scott, we’re still wonderful. Knowing what i’m supposed to do, being stuck in a basement for eight or more hours pretty much by myself. Writing over 170 thank you notes to people i’m not even sure Scott and I invited to our wedding. Keeping the basement clean, doing everything that i’m supposed to do, like i’ve been told. Doing what i was told is insane. I feel like my mental capicity to do anything but smile and make the bed is slipping away some times. (and none of this is Scott’s fault, my mom says it just happens when you get married) I don’t do anything but work and stay in the house. I admit to breaking down more than once this past week in tears. I can’t understand why it works this way, I should be undescribably happy. I can’t understand why now all my sadness is eating away at me. I should get out more. To do what? IT feels like so much needs to be done and I just dont’ feel capable of doing any of it. Incompentant. Each day I become more and more lethargic. I accomplish things, things get done, and i swear to you at this moment, anything that gets done is simply by the grace of God. It feels like my ADD has heightened…. I can’t sit through a movie. It doesn’t hold my attention. I don’t feel like watching Buffy. (and again I scream BUFFY) with some of the most tender Spike-a-licious moments…. I feel bad watching it. I want to wait and watch it with Scott, and we never have time to do anything…. or more like it, the only time i feel like doing anything is when Scott is around, and thus… *sighs* nothing gets done.

I didn’t even make it all the way through Roman Holiday. And i love Audrey Hepburn. I think she’s positively the most beautiful girl in the world. She’s stunning. I love Gregory Peck too, he’s just so… It sounds funny, but from a time I miss. (I wasn’t even alive, but I miss it) Everything seemed so simple back then. Brain-numbingly simple. I wish life was like that. Like pearls and a house dress while you vaccum. I could live with that.

I guess I should look for Jobs while i’m on the computer…

Derringer Meryl [unbalance and confused] Out

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Jun
15
2004
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Powerlessly Paranoid

The thing that worries me most about getting married and moving away…. by Derringer Meryl….

My parents. More specifically my mom. I love my mom. SO much. I don’t know if this falls in line with needing to cut the apron strings or what…. but i worry about her being at home with my dad. When i was there, I could at least comfort her with my presence… (wow that sounds cocky…) I could help her, and understand. Now i’m not sure what to do. I guess that’s the weird thing about moving away.

My mom has always been my best friend. she’s always told me what to do when stuff got tough, and …. i don’t know how to explain it. Mom’s just always been there. Always.

So it feels weird. Not to mention i worry a lot about her.

I worry that something bad will happen to her while i’m not there. That she’ll finally hit the point of no return with tolerance for my dad… I know she’s getting there. Most everyone does….

*sighs*

Derringer Meryl [Paranoid?] out

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Jun
12
2004
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Can I never go home again

so… i’ve been married for… like four days…. and let me tell you….

i love it.

sure, it hasn’t all been peachy (already) like Scott and i went on our honeymoon and got really sick. (I got throw up sick, but scott doesn’t throw up anymore… apparently) He just got an aweful head ache. So I spent a lot of time wishing i was dead because of the aweful pain i felt in my stomach. (it hurt really bad) and Scott kept holding his head saying how much it hurt. (I imagine it did, really badly)

I’m getting better about things…. like my self esteem. i can feel it boosting, it’s great. I love feeling so good about myself.

and can i tell you, walmart is a scary place on a saturday. Very scary. i don’t like it.

We got scott some pajamas… they’re super cute… Oscar the Grouch pajama pants. it was happy. I’m So happy here. *yawns* and tired. Very tired.

I thought i’d update before it got too much later. … I’d like to say thank you to all my sibs (The Specialist, Dax, Wudan) and their wives (Antigone and Sukie) for being at the Temple when we got out. Oh, and special thanks to Luke. He’s super cute, and I loved having him there. Scott’s so thrilled that he’s an uncle now. :)

We’ll be up in the Valley tomorrow (for those of you who live there) and i just thought i’d mention that. I love you guys.

thanks so much to my aunts and my mom for all the prep they did. I appreciate it so much. I don’t normally say people’s names on here, but if I didn’t mention you specifically, i’d feel all sorts of awful.

So thanks Aunt Linda and Aunt Verdean. You guys are so great. thank you for the help with the reception and the quilts and the party and everything. I’m sure i’m missing like fifty million things you gals did for me, but I just want you to know i appreciate what you do for me. You’re great.

*yawns* must clean off bed. Must finish list of things i need to remember from home.

Derringer Meryl [Old Home, New Home] out

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May
17
2004
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Exhausted Shortly

I was just upstairs soaking my foot, and I was thinking about how I would occasionally whine about being alone. Now… I admit, being alone (emotionally in a romantic way) sucks.

But luckily for me, God’s seen fit to provide me with the most perfect man for me. He’s even dealing well with the fact that i get all grouchy and annoyed when i’m stressed out. I expressed to him tonight my genuine fear of him waking up one morning, rolling over, and seeing me, and thinking “What the heck have I gotten myself into?” Scott says he’ll never think that.

I believe him.

I used to have this nagging feeling at my stomach every night as I’d go to sleep. Alone. I hated it. I hate sleeping by myself. Just the act of sleeping alone in my twin size bed– makes me sad. Excuse me, made me sad. Now, Saturday night, I fell asleep watching Van Helsing with Scott. I never slept better. There’s something about sleeping in close confines with someone who cares about you, that makes sleeping easier for me. I don’t know if it’s a science. I don’t really understand it– but I know it’s an absolutely GREAT feeling. Being in love.

I was talking with the Mouth on Saturday. Erm, I was complaining to the mouth on Saturday about how stressed I am. Was/am, whatever. I’ve been a lot more snappy lately. Just, rude. I’ve had a very thin tolerance level too. I don’t mean to be angry and upset… but it feels like a whole lot of nothing is being accomplished sometimes. :S I just sorta freak out. Not a good reason why, i know. It’s not nice to snap and be rude to your loved ones. :( and I do love my family SO much. It’s brain boggling how i can love the people who seem to drive me the most insane so very much. heh.

At this point, i’d like to take a side note, and give a brief shout out to my mom. It’s hard planning a wedding. Especially a wedding like mine. I’m picky, I demand a lot, and it’s tough because we’re trying to cut back on expenses, so we’re doing a lot ourselves. Mom has been so great. Fantastic. She’s SUPER MOM! She’s doing the Bridesmaids (and Maid of Honor) dresses. She’s done/working on two quilts. She’s trying to figure out how we’re doing our flowers (which Scott’s sister is going to help with) She’s driving me to and fro, working on her own life (regular day to day mom stuffage!) and i know she feels like her head is going to explode. There is a lot to do. She’s getting stressed. *points at the computer screen* if you’re one of my siblings, or my fiance, you should express thanks to her. My sibs because I don’t think we will ever fully comprehend how much mom really does for us (I can only hope to be like, 1/4th of the great mom she is) and my Fiancee, simply because my mom has taught me so much, and has made me the fantastic person I am now. Mom holds our family together like glue. She keeps the peace, and smiles through a lot of tough times. My Mom is the best mom ever!!!!

It’s gonna be hard moving out of the house. I’ve never know anything but a life with my parents and sibs. (Sibs have left, but they all seem to eventually return now and then) it’s scary. Becoming part of a new family (which oddly seems like a younger version of my own) and living away from what I know. it’s so …. very odd.

Blah, i’m tired. The nausea has diminished, though a poke in the stomach would be greeted with a slap in the face still.

Derringer Meryl [my tummy!] Out

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Apr
30
2004
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sex is great Forever is Better

Before I begin, IF you are a squemish sibling (or their wife, I figure you fall into the sibling catagory, but i’m talking to you) or if you just don’t wish to know the inner workings of my mind, don’t continue. Please. Dont. I don’t need your teasing because i’m honest. I am honest. I’m open, and this entry is open too. So don’t read it if you don’t want to be slightly (or more) grossed out.

my evil plot has worked….

I’m killing Scott slowly.

*blinks* wait, that was supposed to be carried out on one of my exes, not my dashing darling wonderful handsome stylish fiancee. Crap. I thought the whole torture was going a little easily. :-S

*coughs* So in all actuality I’m not trying to kill Scott, but I’m succeeding really well. He thinks that it’s not hard for me, and i never do anything stupid.

I’d let him talk to Red for two minutes, and wow…. he’d have a different idea– but some horrid stories should come from your spouse to be, and not from her best friend. I’ve done bad things. Oodles. Scott’s lucky that his brain has been normal up till now (as in sex free thoughts) because honestly, my brain has been doing all that junk for a long time. Maybe that’s how i know how to handle it.

Sukie thinks you can’t divert sexual energy into work. *snickers* She may be right, but I seem to succeed at it. *smiles* I’m still a love free zone here, and i’m fine! I think i’ve just learned to handle all the little nasty thoughts that run through my brain.

I sorta feel bad. Not depressed as Scott so thinks though, just kinda guilty. He misses who he used to be, before he met me. And while i know he doesn’t mean that he wants to go back and be without me… i still sorta get that. still sorta feel like he doesn’t want to wait with me (that could be misconstrued, let me explain) he doesn’t want to be in the in between period with me. He wants to be either like he was before he met me (sane with coherent non-sex thoughts) or married.

and the reason I don’t “make mistakes” like he says is because i dont’ want to. I want him, but I want to be with him forever. That outrules everything. I want Scott forever, not just for a little while. And when we kiss, I pull back and look at him and smile. I think “I get to be with him forever If I’m good. I want to be SO good.” That’s why I smile. Because I love him so much. I want to be with him all the time– and I love it when he holds me. Just holds me. Not even kissing. I love to hold his hand, and have his arms around me. I feel right. Do you know how long I’ve waited to feel right? Nineteen years.

So yeah, Sex runs through my brain, a lot. Romance and forever runs more. I couldn’t bear to be without him. It’s death to have him leave every night. But I have to do it. I have to let him go, so I can have him forever.

and that’s what I want.

Derringer Meryl [is going to get stupid comments from sibs] Out

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