Aug
13
2011
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Why?

Sometimes I get grumpy. REALLY STUPID grumpy. And the matter of the fact is, I shouldn’t be upset that people in my life aren’t taking me out and saying “Come hang out with me” The matter of the fact is, who says I need to wait around for them?:P I’ll do what I want, and I don’t need any super fancy invite. My mom used to tell me that when people draw a circle around them to leave me out, to draw a circle around them to bring them in. And as nice as that sentiment is, I think I’m going to draw a circle to keep me in. I’m tired of gettin’ worn out and busted up tired and sad from trying to get people to want to be in my life.

You don’t want to be here? That’s just damn fine with me. When you decide to come back, that’s just damn fine too. Have a good time enjoying your life, and I’ll have a good time enjoying mine. Maybe you’ll have time for me in the next life.

Derringer Meryl [Truth] Out

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Jun
13
2011
1

Bad Mood

I say, “why can’t people just want to hang out with me?” Scott says “Do you ask them to?” and I say “yes. Frequently. They have bailed a lot” Scott says “Give em the benefit of the doubt.” Which is usually my line.

I will repeat “I am patient. I am nice. I can wait this out.” Really though– it’s the same tune, different words.

Derringer Meryl [Say whatever] Out

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Aug
16
2004
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rambles

general ramblings abound.

First, i got a car. I’ve decided to name it Vash (after Vash in Trigun, which is where my SN comes from too) He’s a good little car, and while he broke last night, I dn’t blame him, i blame the freaking construction on I-15, Which knocked his radiator drain plug out, and made him loose all of his radiator fluid.

Nice eh?

Luckily Scott’s friend is a whiz with cars and came and rescued us! YAY FOR THE KINDNESS OF FRIENDS! Two other nice people helped us by lending their phones and pushing our tiny Vash to the side. Thank you nice peoples!

On another completely different note I’d like to delve into examining why I hate therapists so much.

Because you can do their entire profession with seemingly a “Choose your own adventure book” They never ask good probing questions. And it’s always “Why” and a bunch of head bobbing. Only a few of my problems were worked out at therapy, and honestly that was how easy I was walked on by people. Now i”m not so much. I’m glad that’s fixed, but honestly, Scott is so much better when it comes to working past psychological problems out.

I had a problem. An issue. Something I was holding on to. I couldn’t understand why. Scott told me That I wanted to keep it for some reason. Wanted to keep feeling the pain and the fear that I felt then, over and over again. He didn’t let me just go to bed when I got tired. He didn’t say “Oh, our hour is up, it’s time for you to go” Sure, he asked WHY, but when I said “I don’t know” he wouldn’t let that fly. He pressed me, that YES, I did know. I sat there and thought about it. I thought about it a lot. Finally, after such a long time of feeling this– pain and hurt, betrayal…

I realized, that I love to be angry. I loved to be angry about it. I loved feeling the pain and blaming someone. I enjoyed being angry at people, being upset that things were never resolved in my mind. I felt powerful. I felt in control.

And suddenly, I felt was disgusted with that mentality. (Over time I’ve come to realize that I have a lot of disgusting mental thoughts) I was sickened by that part of me. But I felt better knowing it was there, understanding more completely, so I could finally let go.

Maybe some people out there have a therapist like that. Maybe they have someone who pushes them to discover themselves. Good. I’m glad. Because when I had a therapist, I felt like i was hiring a proverbial hooker. Paying for a whore. Someone to listen to me for an hour, just ramble. Not about anything in particular. I’d sit down on the soft couch, and she’d say “How are things” and I’d start off, and she’d try and recall the characters from my life. I found it disgusting. I felt like it was a waste of money… and the tip off came after she told me to loose a friend. Just stop being their friend because of my feelings and my emotions and my problems.

And that’s the day i said no more. I didn’t schedule a new appointment. I tapered off my medication– and I was done.

Derringer Meryl [I don’t want to go back] Out

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May
14
2004
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Happiesofhappy

I’m at Scott’s house. It’s interesting here. Oh, and it looks like after Scott and I are married, we’ll be living here for a while. I think that’s silly.

I can see through my hands….

Right. Um… sometimes I like to pay attention to the things I’m doing. Two of Scott’s siblings are sick. It’s quite interesting. :) One of them is currently running around like a rabid puppy trying to bite Scott’s sister…. it’s an new experience. I never had any younger siblings, and my experiences with my brothers being rabid puppies are limited to Dax, and Dax alone. :)

Just kidding Dax. I love you man!

He’s more of a radio active rabid puppy dog. 😀

Scott and I got to spend some time with Red this past wednesday. I’d like to send out a great big thank you for her not telling any sort of horrible stories. And I’d like to thank God that the horrid pictures that Red once had of me, have either been burned, lost, or will shortly be going to Lafayette with her. 😀

We played a lot of games on Wednesday, and then we had Dinner with our parents (all together, one big dinner event!)

I got my invite list done for this. If you don’t get an invite, it’s because you just didn’t send me your address… and you suck butt.

Derringer Meryl [Scott’s Back!] Out

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Apr
24
2004
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Telling the truth in nowheresville

Scott’s sick…. Poor Kid… He really should be at home asleep. Seeings as how he’s diabetic and his immune system is more sensitive and what not. He needs more sleep than the average bear to get better. I’ve been trying to do better about keeping him at home lately.

And then his friends ask him to go play D&D. I love D&D, it’s fun to do and you get to act all in whacky ways you couldn’t in real life. Still. It runs late and he’s already sick. I like healthy fiancee’s. Not sick ones. (I mean, I still love him and what not… but he’s sick and should be at home sleeping.

It makes me very VERY angry that Mandarin would do something like ask him to play when he’s sick. They know him better than I do, and they know that when he’s sick he should be sleeping. All he’s going to be doing AT D&D is sleeping until they need him and then waking him up to help out.

Good Grief. I worry SO Much about his health. It’s scary for me. I know how easily diabetics get sick (my mom is one) it’s scary for me because I love him so much, and i worry that he’ll get really sick.

I guess it’s selfish for me to love him this much.

Derringer Meryl [Cover Up] Out

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