Dec
22
2009
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One thing after another

I swear December is the month of things breaking. 😛

My car decided not to start, so I drove Scott’s car for a while, and I think that we should all know that I can’t drive manual to save my life. Ok. I can to save my life, but I’d probably pee myself in the process. LOL. Then Scott’s car would only drive in 3rd, and so that makes things ultra fun. So we took my car in, and luckily enough it was JUST the battery.  Then Scott decided to look at his car, and he just needed to jam the shift cables back into the right place. I still maintain the triumph that me driving manual is a bad idea, I will break your car. 😛

However,  because our cars were broken, i got to spend a very magical day with my girls,  as we set up our Christmas tree. Sometimes being an adult it’s really hard to remember what makes Christmas so great. Now days it’s full of stress and events and we lose a lot of the carefree moments of being able to run and play and anticipate. the fullness of our lives just pushes it out. Well, I got the tree out and katie started to sing songs. I would say they ar e Christmas songs, but really the only lyrics were “Christmas day christmas day” over and over. But it was sweet. She got the ornaments out and hung them on the ledge of our bed, and then after I took those down she started hanging them on the Christmas stick (the tree w/o the branches yet attached) I had to show Scott, who laughed wholeheartedly at her antics. Then, the most cutest thing ever happened, she was leaning into the Christmas tree box, and *THUMP* she got stuck, her feet wouldn’t touch the ground and she couldn’t push her way back out. LOL it was great to see her feet dangling over the edge of the box. So cute!

Audrey is growing by leaps and bounds, and is doing really well with sitting up. She is also a scooter, she will try to scoot off your lap to stand up, so adorable.

I’ll have to do my year end wrap up, review my goals. I don’t know how I did this year, but we’ll see. :)

Derringer Meryl {at peace} Out

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Sep
15
2009
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Down The street

… Is a guy who fixes up classic cars. Recently a red truck has been sitting outside. I’d love to have it…

and that is how big of a Twilight Geek I am. I’ll post pictures of it when I can 😉

Derringer Meryl [in love] Out

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Aug
23
2004
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Itai Itai Itai

Today, My Dog died. It sucks. She was pretty sick. I won’t go into the details, simply because… well, it’s really really gross. We got our dogs when I was… *thinks* Around nine I guess? I don’t know. She was in a lot of pain though… so I’m okay with it.

I’ve been really sick the past few days. Saturday until today… I”m still not feeling too great. My ear feels all clogged. my head hurts really bad. My throat is sore, my nose is running like all get out.

I want to sleep, really bad. I woke up at six am this morning. Haven’t gotten more than a half hour at a time since. *sighs* I want to sleep. I want nyquil. I want to drug myself into a sweet slumber.

Alas, there is no more nyquil, or dayquil for that matter. I considered calling mom to bring me some, but I figured that I was married now, and i should just deal with the fact that I have no money right now. *sighs*

My car isnt’ finished. Scott’s dad checked wiht the STUPID mechanic, and he hasn’t even started working on it yet. STUPID guy. I hate him so bad. It’s been over a week, and he hasn’t done jack.

What a jerk.

Derringer Meryl [In Lots of Pain] Out

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Aug
20
2004
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doesnt feel right at all

I think… I think no one really understands what it’s like to be a newly wed until you experience it.

Call me a cocky Teenager, but I thought things would work out better than this for Scott and I.

It’s hard. Being a newlywed is hard. Leaving my old job, is hard. Katy asked today why I was leaving– and I told her, that it was just time for me to go. (Instead of my natural reaction to tell her that she was screwing me over) It is. It’s time to put childish things away. Scott and I are trying to deal with these things as much as we can.

The people haven’t called back about our financing for the car yet. I start my new job in about a week. We have bills, and the threat of Bankruptcy looming over our heads. It feels like this basement sucks us back in every time we try to leave. In the darkness here– I find comfort knowing that God lives, and that I’m going to learn something from this annoyance. I turn my music on, and I listen, hoping to hear something that’s going to inspire me.

Something that’s going to keep me going. Keep me from being even more exhausted than I am at this moment. Someday, the laundry will be done. Someday, The bed will be made. someday, we won’t live here anymore. Someday, i’ll feel better.

Someday, we’ll look at this and laugh.

Someday, things will be okay.

Derringer Meryl [Right?] Out

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Aug
16
2004
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rambles

general ramblings abound.

First, i got a car. I’ve decided to name it Vash (after Vash in Trigun, which is where my SN comes from too) He’s a good little car, and while he broke last night, I dn’t blame him, i blame the freaking construction on I-15, Which knocked his radiator drain plug out, and made him loose all of his radiator fluid.

Nice eh?

Luckily Scott’s friend is a whiz with cars and came and rescued us! YAY FOR THE KINDNESS OF FRIENDS! Two other nice people helped us by lending their phones and pushing our tiny Vash to the side. Thank you nice peoples!

On another completely different note I’d like to delve into examining why I hate therapists so much.

Because you can do their entire profession with seemingly a “Choose your own adventure book” They never ask good probing questions. And it’s always “Why” and a bunch of head bobbing. Only a few of my problems were worked out at therapy, and honestly that was how easy I was walked on by people. Now i”m not so much. I’m glad that’s fixed, but honestly, Scott is so much better when it comes to working past psychological problems out.

I had a problem. An issue. Something I was holding on to. I couldn’t understand why. Scott told me That I wanted to keep it for some reason. Wanted to keep feeling the pain and the fear that I felt then, over and over again. He didn’t let me just go to bed when I got tired. He didn’t say “Oh, our hour is up, it’s time for you to go” Sure, he asked WHY, but when I said “I don’t know” he wouldn’t let that fly. He pressed me, that YES, I did know. I sat there and thought about it. I thought about it a lot. Finally, after such a long time of feeling this– pain and hurt, betrayal…

I realized, that I love to be angry. I loved to be angry about it. I loved feeling the pain and blaming someone. I enjoyed being angry at people, being upset that things were never resolved in my mind. I felt powerful. I felt in control.

And suddenly, I felt was disgusted with that mentality. (Over time I’ve come to realize that I have a lot of disgusting mental thoughts) I was sickened by that part of me. But I felt better knowing it was there, understanding more completely, so I could finally let go.

Maybe some people out there have a therapist like that. Maybe they have someone who pushes them to discover themselves. Good. I’m glad. Because when I had a therapist, I felt like i was hiring a proverbial hooker. Paying for a whore. Someone to listen to me for an hour, just ramble. Not about anything in particular. I’d sit down on the soft couch, and she’d say “How are things” and I’d start off, and she’d try and recall the characters from my life. I found it disgusting. I felt like it was a waste of money… and the tip off came after she told me to loose a friend. Just stop being their friend because of my feelings and my emotions and my problems.

And that’s the day i said no more. I didn’t schedule a new appointment. I tapered off my medication– and I was done.

Derringer Meryl [I don’t want to go back] Out

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