Undone

So I went to work on… umm whatever day that was. I’d have to think and right now a temperature of one hundred degrees is preventing me from thinking much.

So If I can’t spell. None of you imaginary people are surprised.

When did I go to work? I think it was Wednesday. Yeah. On Wednesday, I worked with nearly all my managers, assist, etc, and it was, interesting to say the least, the very least.

HE was there. It was interesting. I still didn’t get any sort of pancakes thing, but um, maybe he didn’t get that he was supposed to say anything to me, or maybe….

I shouldn’t let my mind wander like that, It’s too small to be let outside….

Anyway he says to me he says “I got those notes you left for me on my car, and I said to myself ‘this is Pant’s website'” and I flushed, I”m pretty sure noticeably, and nodded and asked him what he thought of them. He thought they were “Definitely mine” and really nothing more was said.

I’m disappointed in the lack of Pancakes.

I like Pancakes.

Maybe I shouldn’t write when I’m sick, but I forgot to do this last night…..

Anyway, I happened to have cursed him too. Did I already tell this story? I think so. Anyway I cursed him and I told him I did, and he says “I hate you” In this little mock-y voice he does, it’s so foxy, and I just sorta went all flush-y again and my eyes got all really big and I looked at him and said……

“I hate me too”

Wow. Anti-climatic eh? I thought so. I said it quiet enough that he didn’t respond….. But it’s the honest truth *Waits for a huge smack on her head* i get annoyed with myself sometimes, just like anyone else.

Oh and my Boss nearly made me cry again. What a jerk.

Today I realized that I am the living Anne Shirley from Anne Of Green Gables, and Anne of Avonlea. I love those shows. Man. I just do. She’s all romance girl and wants things to be so great, and they never are good enough for her. I’d settle for what she got, corsets and all. *shakes her fists at corsets* Damn you.

Yeah. Right. Mom is asking if this entry is juicy.

My friend says it should be made into a book.

I laugh because this is the dullest thing ever known to man.

She says it isn’t dull. Oh Well, no reason to argue, but I’m talking right now to the only person I swear reads this little section of the internet.

I wonder if HE went here.

*blinks*

I suppose I’ll never know, unless I get some Pancakes.

Hey, if you know me, and you’ve read this just say to me:

“Pancakes taste good with Gardinias”

It’s just a thing I have, and I”ll know what you’re talking about, and so will you.

That’s all we need, isn’t it?

It’s insane.

How much I am a hopeless romantic. I want someone to run home and call me, because they miss me. I suppose that’s too much to ask, especially in this day in age.

Plus Romance isn’t something you find often in high school, if at all. I can’t help but want it.

I’ve wanted to be married since I was little. I wanted to be away from all the bad things in my life, hiding in the safety that I thought was marriage, where you can hide and no one cares that you’re leaning on your spouse because you’re supposed to.

Then I grew up, and while I still long for the companionship of marriage, I am afraid for all the other things that marriage brings.

Like divorce and fights

and money problems, and finding things out about my spouse that I never knew, that I didn’t want to know. Dealing with all that, and having problems, possibly such big problems that we can’t work through

and then I’d be alone again.

I want to meet someone so devoted to me that they’d dress up as hello kitty for me. Not because I say it all the time, but because then I’d know that they’d really love me, that making a fool of themselves isn’t something that’s bad, and that I’m worth it.

Trust me I have a list of things that are I’d do, or I’d like someone to do for me.

Screwing is not one of them.

I figured blunt was the best way to put that one. Sometimes making love can be the deepest and most binding things in a relationship, but since not everyone thinks that way in the world, it’s not one of the things I’d do for a relationship. It’s not. How easy is it to pick up your clothes from a one night stand and leave.

Too easy.

Sure it’s equally easy to step out of a hello kitty costume and say “I’m breaking up with you” but hey, no one calls you a few months later saying “Hey, Remember that one time that you wore that hello kitty costume? Well I’m pregnant.”

I’m an odd little kitten aren’t I? Well Demented is one of the things I do best. Strange isnt’ it? I thought so.

It’s insane.

I never want to feel emotion again. Never. I want to chuck all of my feelings and emotions into the jordan river and watch them float in the mucky duck water. I don’t care.

I DON’T CARE!

I musnt run away

I musnt run away

I musnt run away

I musnt run away

Derringer Meryl [Having a Shinji Moment] Out

I was so nervous about putting up a new entry.

I was afraid he wouldn’t see it, I still dont’ know if he did. Maybe he figured my Journal was private and kept out.

Yeah, right.

*sighs* I might as well say, “Hey, I happened to douse my clothes in gasoline, and this lighter is alittle faulty, want to fix it for me?”

Okay, so that was the lamest little metaphor ever, but I’m not exactly on my game right now. I just… Sorta suck at the talking and not being completely nervous thing.

I just… really don’t want to loose friends. And I’m in the position where I’d consider him a friend. I mean, FETCH, he invited me to a party at his house. None of my …. umm…. okay, some of my friends have, but I mean — he didn’t have to, but did, that’s what made the difference…. and he was probably just doing it to be nice, but…

It made me feel special. Even if my Dad did ruin it.

And I guess that’s what I like about him so much. That doing normal things makes me feel special. Important. We’d just be doing normal store stuff, and when he’d ask me to do stuff….

It was nice. He asked me nice, and it didn’t make me feel stupid.

I didn’t even mind getting his dinner for him cause he asked nice.

Fetch– now you see how far a nice little “Please” can get you. And you know, it makes people have a nice day.

Say Please:

Derringer Meryl [Where there is hatred let me sow love] Out

I have to do this quick, cause i have computer conflictions….

But I did it.

I finally did it. I gave him my internet addy. He might not get it, i left it on his car, but– well the chances are high.

The rest of the entry is in case he should actually get here:

Dear “You”-

You’re here, despite my fears. I gave you my addy, and trust me, the whole time I was asking myself why i felt the need to do it.

Because I can’t spend my life in regret. I know you’re older than me, and you’re also enjoying the single scene….. I however, am not. But I have some important things to tell you before you read the previous entries

I am a lonely girl. You can tell by the title of my site, and this very diary. But I want to tell you, you’re cute. You’re so cute, you’re funny, and you’re one of the few people who makes me feel my age. Not Thirty-one, or five, my age. Me, you make me feel like me. I’m natural when i’m around you.

You’ve introduced me to new ideas, and i like that. You’ve proven on several occasions that Coke is better than Dr. Pepper. You let me hang out with your group, let me hang out with you at your party. I appreciated that beyond all words, even the most eloquent speakers would be left without words at the expression of my appreciation.

Thank you for listening to me rant. I do it a lot, and I appreciate that when I do, i only get a slight tease, and not a lecture. That’s something that’s important. It’s something I appreciated.

When you read some of these entries, I can’t even depict what i was thinking. all I can hope is that you remember what it was like to be a teenager, and that you’ll have some sort of mercy on me.

Here’s the hard part. Yes, I like/d you. I’m currently recovering.

The thing I’m most afraid of is not rejection, but the loss of the comfort that we have around each other now.

After, or if, you read this please just say this to me:

+*=^%Pancakes taste good by Gardinias%^=*+

Say that, and just that, and let us keep going on the way we are.

Please?

Derringer Meryl [She was queen for about an hour] Out

I figured I’d post a real entry, instead of just lyrics to how i was feeling.

I bought the Our Lady Peace CD today. It’s called Gravity. I have fallen in love, how sad.

Some people might be confused at that statement… I can’t blame them, tv glorified the idea. I fell in love with love at a young age because of movies like Cinderella and Snow White. I spent my Elementary years looking for my Prince Charming, when I should have focused on more important things like…. Umm… Subtraction and what not.

I wanted so bad to be happy. I wanted to live in my own little castle, with my husband, and leave my house.

That hasn’t changed, I still yearn to leave my house.

I suppose that’s sad. I know I have it great here. I know that my parents love me, but that doesn’t mean i can deny the abusive tenancies…. that surround my childhood and life today. It’s not something I want to focus on, but the sooner I find that fetching prince the better. He’ll be my one way ticket out of here.

Sure that wasn’t what Cinderella was thinking when she went to the ball, but you can’t tell me she didn’t want to leave her home.

My head is light, and my eyes are heavy. I don’t want to sleep though, i know what i’ll dream about and it’s not something i’m really looking forward to. It hurts to dream. No I take that back, it doesn’t hurt to dream it hurts to wake up from the dream. It aches in my body to shake myself from the nightly delusions of splendor to the drab appearance of reality.

It saddens me. Everything does. Even things that once made me happy. all that makes me happy now is reading stories and watching movies.

I was never an active girl, so it’s okay with me that i literally fry in the sun.

OHHHH i’m sure you think that’s a joke, that i don’t really fry in the sun. Well here’s a reality check, I do. I would die if i spent more than three hours in the sun. Okay, Die is an exaggeration. I’d get deathly ill, and if it wasn’t taken care of quickly, THEN i’d die. So the whole basking in the sunlight with my love, is dashed all to hell.

I wouldn’t mind spending time in the sun with someone I really loved. I mean, Really really really loved. Someone who was persistent enough in their love of me, they’d make sure I’d get water, even though I’m a ditz. They’d watch me drink it…. make sure i was okay.

They’d hold my hand in the shade when I got dizzy.

Enough of that. I really don’t feel like imagining scenes that will never happen. Not with HIM nor with anyone.

No one makes me feel complete. Not yet anyway. They make me feel nice, and stuff… but not… complete.

I want to be complete. I feel like I’m walking around with half my mind in another body. I want to have someone finish my sentences, and not feel all funny and stupid about it after wards.

Did I mention I have a vivid imagination? I can see these scenes in my head. I can see them play out, and I can almost feel the breeze on my face, and my hair lightly moving around my face…… leaning against a large tree in a park, as I watch them play…. they’re playing Horse… You know the basketball game where you spell out horse, I never understood that game.

I want someone to remove the imagination portion of my brain. If you can do that, Please…. email me.

Derringer Meryl [Thought that I was going crazy] Out

(*+=Pancakes taste good with Gardinias=+*)