Undone

No one but my brothers read here now– at least i think so. Red is too busy with school (Good Girl, be busy, it’s okay), and i’m fairly sure Monkey just doesn’t give a flying rats ass– or i’m mistaken and he’s reading right now. Heh.

Anyway, Since its just you and … um, well technically since you is me, that means the basic reader is me. So since it’s just me and me, i’ll say this, I have a poem for me to post. hahaha!

Mistaken Sin

i liked you
you liked me
and it was simple
so simple
i don’t know where
we lost each other
no–
i don’t know
where i lost you
because,
that’s how i see it
i lost you
the chance to be with you
the ability to
be near to you
to feel your touch
to be in your company

and i look back
on the short time
we had together
and i feel silly
so very stupid for
saying what i have to say
but i feel something
so very deep inside
something i never felt before
that only you can reach
you made me smile
and laugh
in a way that i missed
that i still miss now
and i can’t help
but feel angry
hurt
scared and confused
because that comfort was
so abruptly taken away

and now it hurts
to look you in the eye
because i feel
ashamed for the
emotions surging
through me
and i can’t
— no i won’t —
i refuse
to tell you
how i feel…
we had a chance
and you
and we
and they
it was stolen away

God–
Can’t my love
Be between
i and he?
can’t this world
only exist
of us?

Please God
Save me.

Derringer Meryl [Realization Burns] Out

In my torrid little world (which I created, and all of you exist in, but I made your characters suit me right) I have torrid little dramas, because I may have created all of the characters… but they act of their own will now. And it’s a little frustrating. Because *sighs* it seems even my own mind is turning against me, and all I want is

to NOT feel like this anymore. I don’t like feeling that all I want from the world is always out of reach from me, because i’m too slow. Because I have it, and I cherish it, and then it gets put away from me, and it’s almost like i never really had it to begin with. And I can’t help but feel it’s because I didn’t say something, or do something. and if i had dome those things, that i’d still have it.

and it’s frustrating. and it’s not so much the emotion behind it all. Not knowing if there’s something wrong about me, or if i could have done something, if i could make myself better…. prettier– to fix it all. And there’s times in life that you just wonder–

why everything you want seems to be just out of your range. *blinks* Sorry, I’m htinking about how even if you aim low, the damn bastard’s standards are set too high for you. Talk about a kick in the stomach. You think you’re slumming it ….. and he rejects you because…. God knows why. I could Guess until my eyes crossed, on why J dumped me out of no where, but my mind knows why, and so does my heart.

because he didn’t love me. Because he didn’t see me as anything more than a whore. Because he … wasnt any good for me…. and because he abused me in ways– that no one should ever be abused… not that anyone should be abused at all. and because no matter what he did to your spirit, soul, self-esteem, and to my body– I never bended my will. I left that relationship as clean as i entered it.

That’s why.

I’d give everything to him, but my will. and he hated me for that. I guess it’s something I have. My will is for God, and God Alone.

…. i wish I could just stop feeling this way …..

Oi, I wrote this poem when I had broken up with J, and i was completely devestated, wondering why, and what i could have done…. It’s called Internal Struggle

Kisses felt-
never happened
Not that I know of,
Yet I remember them
With passionate feeling-
And Yet,
You haven’t even met me
But I’ve known you for a long time

And now you know me-
I wish I was better
Skinnier,
Prettier…..
Why does it hurt?

Your voice
Makes me happy
More that Moonlight
More than Love itself….
And that same voice-
Makes me want to die-
Want to kill myself…

An Internal struggle, and It will never end.

It has a bit of commentary… not entirely true so much anymore. I dont feel like this all the time– but i have to admit it’s sometimes:

I love this one. I feel like this nearly all the time. Sure the guy i feel that way about changes from time to time. But someday– it’ll always stay the same. It’ll be nice. Anyway another moody piece from yours truly.

Derringer Meryl [dwelling on the past ruins the present] Out

Okay, so now i have links up to pages of my family and friends, Rah Rah me.

I know, isn’t it great? *raises an eyebrow* I can hear your cheers and applause from here. *sighs* ANyway, I’m sorta tired, and I really dont’ feel like posting something completely new… so I’m going (instead of the completely lazy lyric spew) to put up a poem i wrote at work today. It’s a little depressing, so you’ve been warned. HA!

It’s called Inside My Soul and I wrote it today… er yesterday, since it’s tomorrow… uh. Right the twenty-fourth…. is when I wrote it. Right. On with the Poem.

crazy. . . .
you’re going so. . . .
crazy and
i
can’t trace
the source
of all this
anger. . . .
emotion thriving
and i wish
i could find
a way
to cut it all
out. . . .
cut you slowly
bleeding till
all emotion
ceases
no regrets
in the
shadow of the
mistake of all
we did
i did
my sin
mistake of
letting you in
silly-
stupid-
insane–
i keep
letting them in
only to
burn
a scar so new
reaffirming
the thought
the knowledge
again.

Alright, I maybe the queen of lazy, but hey, I wear it well. I’m off to sleep, then shop– in that order.

Derringer Meryl [but if you don’t dear, confess] Out

What can I say

to sooth the mistakes

that i’ve made

no words

come to me

they all seem to

fly away

and everytime

you want to talk

i know it means

another fight

i’ve learned by now

to sit and take it

because…

because…

talking only makes

the knife sink deeper in

causing the pain to grow

deeper in everyway.

and i love you so much

i can’t stand

to do that to you

not after

all you’ve been through

and so i retreat

only understanding now

that i began this all

started the pain…

and i can’t fix it

I can’t make it better

but I want to

want to close

the large cavern

that i made between us

and — each time i hurt you

you hurt me alittle too

i can’t blame you

simple defense

and so, i go away

to gather my thoughts

lick my wounds

and he cares for me

while i heal

and i don’t know how

to explain the friendship

we now have.

This is why

i can’t be happy

it only hurts those

whom i love

hold dear

near to my heart

i would suffer

a thousand deaths

if not to see you smile.

——–

Red and I are semi-ly having another fight. These are all the things I wish I could have said. But I didn’t…. because well… it’s in the poem. You dig?

Derringer Meryl [lost] Out

I don’t mean to scare you
not the intent i had
i didn’t mean to smear mascara
mixing it with tears
and blood

I never wanted to give you
the wrong impression at all
I just wanted you to understand
how much I love
all you gave to me–

and i know i’m not all there
i don’t think i ever have been
but tell me truely
when i talk to you
do you want to run and hide?
I am so greatful,
for all you gave to me
that if you asked,
i’d do it all
even if it was to leave.

Sometimes i know i think too much, but– what if the people in my life are just putting up with me until — they can bear it– or until i leave, which ever comes first? What if i’m the most annoying person on the planet, and no one has the guts to tell me? I mean, maybe everyone in the world is just being… really really nice, and i haven’t even noticed it yet, like i’m one of those really naive people– *sighs* I hate thinking that way, and i know it makes me PARANOID but– does it make me OVERLY paranoid? Honestly, I ….

well let’s relate the following story. I sang for the first time in … three years last night. I was bad, I know it…. but everyone else was… I don’t know– it’s hard to explain. Like my english teacher, she didn’t tell me I did a good job [Mr. Covili did though] I think it’s just because i’ve tried all year to get her FETCHING approval about something, i’ve tried sucking up, being defiant, and EVERYTHING…. nothing. It’s like– A guy on “Single’s Ward” said: “Some comedians wouldn’t worry about the person that isn’t laughing at their jokes, but I take special care.” or something like that. I’m not worried about the people who are clapping, i’m worried about the people who are laughing, and those who aren’t clapping.

it makes me nervous, and agitated. And I have NO clue as to why.

Maybe it’s because I was the last child and i’m annoyed when i dont’ get my way? I think it’s something more than that, just that i would probably make a HUGE fool of myself for attention. Heck– I did it last night. *shrugs*

and it’s weird, because as soon as I get the attention, I don’t want it. It’s odd.

Derringer Meryl [writing fool] Out