NeUroTiC to ThE bOnE– nO dOuBt

You know those Car Hop girls? The ones that have two trays, and wearing skates.

I feel like one of those. Except I’m no good at balancing on my own two feet, let alone on rollerskates, it’s insane!

So imagine me, trying to balance Me, and not getting all overly stalker-y with this guy I like, and my friend who likes him to, but sincerely promises me that she won’t go after him…

So I feel all of these things, all of these ways, and it’s starting to annoy me. It annoys me that I cant’ voice anything– because If I do, I may offend someone I love.

I don’t know if he wants to even come over to my house and watch Buffy, or if he’s doing it to be polite, or what. I get confused. He doesn’t ask me out on a date, but invites me to hang out– maybe I’m just this super cool friend that knows what girls are thinking.

I have No clue.

And right now, I feel like I’m chasing my tail. No matter if Red is pursuing him nor not– I can never be as good as her. Not at flirting, not at anything. I’m slow, I’m scared, and I’ve lost the ability to put on a brave face for the sake of myself and others.

In fact– I don’t know what to do. One of the girls from my school… she’s getting married in two months. TWO MONTHS! It’s scary, she is going into this world of all these new things, and I feel like I haven’t even made it to the adult table for thanksgiving yet. I feel like a five year old stuck in the sandbox, while everyone else is growing up, and passing me by.

I don’t know what to do, why i’m not growing up too… I’m just here.

And beyond that, i’m angry. I have one of the HIGHEST Seniority at my work, and got SCREWED over on my pay. I trained the people who are getting paid better than me. I trained my old manager, I trained my co-workers, I trained managers for other stores. And I get paid friggin’ less than ALL OF THEM!!!

And the fact that I’m a girl, and they’re all guys, makes it look bad. Very bad, for them, because I’m the HARDEST worker they have. All of my co-workers can tell you, I’m married to my job. I love it, I spend extra time off the clock just thinking about what we could do to make the store better. I stratagize, and BLAH!!

I’m the queen of that store!!

Derringer Meryl [Melodramatic Fool] Out

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Life is what Happens when You’re busy making other plans

My fingers are all pruney.

I just spent the last hour washing dishes as a deal so I could come on here and update. Hee hee hee. I did a good job, it’s not my fault that everything smells like vinegar (gack).

I was thinking about my older brother (sure I have a lot of them,just to keep you guessing) he’s only four years older than me. Well… three years and six months, but I figure, what ever. Anyway, I’m a devoted little LDS girl, I’m not ashamed of it. I love my religon (Before you flame me I adhere strictly to the 11th article of faith which states that (in Lay terms) you do what you do, I do what I do, we just let it go. k?) and I know it makes me happy. It might not do that for everyone– but I know it made him happy. It was one of those things you could see in his eyes, even when he was mad– or sad– that he knew it was true. That God loves us…..

Then — I don’t know where it all went wrong. I don’t know when he stopped believing it all– but I didn’t like the person he became. I still love him, he’s my brother, there isn’t any way I couldn’t. I just know that he isn’t — that he doesn’t

that he doesn’t feel right. He’s struggling. He’s confused. Because the rest of his family is LDS and he isn’t, and he doesn’t want to be on the outside, but he doesn’t want to go to a church he no longer believes in to make someone else happy.

All I know is that my older brother… the one who looks like my twin. The one who i’ve always looked up to, the one I strive to do everything right so I can be like him–

Can’t go to my wedding.

Sure I’m not engaged, or anything like that, hell, i’m not even dating much! But As I sat spinning in a computer chair today at the local store, My mom said: “That’ll be useful for when you move out” and for the first time really– it hit me.

I’m a grown up.

I have only a few months left of my life as a reckless kid, who stays out late and does things that are fun on the weekend, and — who doesn’t think about the concequences when they buy some stupid thing at the store. Then I realize–

I’ve been grown up for thirteen years now.

My brother used to stay out late, and made stupid choices without thinking about the concequences, and I saw how it hurt my family. How it hurt me. I didn’t like it, so I decided that I wouldn’t do that. And when he got his girlfriend (now wife, thank you very much) pregnant, he stepped up and took responsibility.

I was afraid. Dammit, I still am. Because– because we’re almost twins. We look so much alike it’s scary, I kid you not. Because I’m afraid of making the mistakes he made, I became my own parent. I told myself “Is it very responsible to go out and do things with people when you have homework?” and I got better grades. I said to myself “Is it really responsible to go to dances when that big test is on monday?” and I stayed home. I didn’t need my parents to ground me, or yell at me, or remind me of the concequences of my actions.

I did it myself.

I wanted to do everything right, every last thing. I wanted to take the AP tests he didn’t, I wanted to pass the classes he didn’t, I wanted to win the awards he didn’t. I wanted to be him, and better. Every good thing about him, I wanted to be.

I lost myself while playing his shadow.

Not to mention I’m a perfectionist. It’s not hard to take the tests he didn’t, or pass the classes he didn’t– but the awards, the glory. He was an editor, and went on all the dates to all the dances.

I didn’t wish to repeat the dances– that would take away from my academic glory.

But here I am at my senior year, and the world is rushing me out into life, into the world of uncertainty where you don’t have someone to hold you hand–

and i don’t have a path to follow.

It makes me nervous. I had my entire life planned out. I was going to graduate from the academy of Travel and Tourism, work as a travel agent through my college years, and then become an English Teacher for a high school.

Then My senior year happened. I didn’t like High school students, the academy became much too– well lets just say it was far too challenging for the beginning classes you take. The college I wanted to go to, and wanted me, was Catholic, so that was banned by a higher authority… ahem. So here I am.

I’m going to go to SLCC until I decide where else to go. What a plan.

Derringer Meryl [Game of Life] Out

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