wishing you were somehow

here again.

Sorry these titles just pop into my head as i start blogging.

Life has been hectic. Amazing and horrible.ย  Mostly the second one, but as of yesterday (being friday, not Saturday) I have started to feel a lot better. I don’t think it’s my medication, I think I have just… let go. I have a hard time remembering to not take on more than I should. That no one (but myself usually) expects me to be perfect and to do all these amazing/wonderful things and … I over extend myself a lot, which causes problems in any situation.
I would say “don’t worry about me” but that is a stupid thing to say. So i guess something better to say is, Thank you for worrying about me. I appreciate it. I realize that I’m very dramatic, and it’s hard for me to simply say the things I need to, but… I am trying to be a happier person, and to find some peace within myself. I also plan on going to the doctor in the next few weeks to discuss my medication. The side effects and it’s lack of improvement in me, is enough for me to want to kick it to the curb and get back to Zoloft. I’m not nursing anymore, so why not? At least I’ll be on something that works again!

Since church is at 9 am, I should probably sleep (Audrey too, she’s Scooting now, and has scooted herself from the main part of our basement over to where our computer is. Little butt scooter. She’s a dear heart.

I love that she has the name she does. it just seems like such an optimistic name for such a happy light hearted girl.

Derringer Meryl [scooting] out

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Did I mention?

That I started depression medication? Maybe I did. LOL One of the side effects of the med is that you can’t remember fact from fiction. It’s quite annoying. there are things in the past few months that I can’t remember if I really did them or not, or if I just through I did it. It’s … FRUSTRATING. I dont’ like the medicine too much, I don’t really feel like it’s helping. I just need to find the time to go to my doctor and get adjusted, or just get a new medicine. Since I feel pretty much the same as I did before if not worse.

depression is the damndest thing. Nothing interests me much anymore. I look back over my hobbies and think “ugh. I don’t wanna” and I also think “I only was doing that for someone else”

I’ve come to realize that I’m the kind of person that lives her life for other people. Quite frankly I would have been done with this Popsicle stand a long time ago if not for 1) the fact that killing yourself is wrong and 2) people don’t want me to. I do still have times where I forget (sorry for being morbid here people) that people don’t want me to. That people would be sad. That’s the dementia that comes along with depression. You can’t understand or see anything clearly. It’s like looking at the world from really strong prescription glasses(when you have no need for the prescription) Nothing seems to make sense. I am sorry if I’m a bring me down here. I like to speak frankly and honestly about my depression. It weighs on me, and i prefer not to be silent. I have had a hard time this time. Most people probably don’t know that this bout has been nearly 2 years for me. It’s been bad. it has been hard for me to be away from my kids, and when I am with them, I can only think “oh I’ll have to leave again tomorrow” (for work) and sometimes I think they’d be better off without me. I know it’s not true, but… Once again, delusional.

I miss going to the theatre. I am watching the Scarlet Pimpernel on the TV currently and I am looking forward to 110 in the shade and The Scarlet Pimpernel coming to Hale Center Theatre down here. I have never seen 110 in the shade before, but I want to, very much. I have only seen the TV movie of The Scarlet Pimpernel, not the musical, but I look forward to it. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Sink me!

Sir Ian McKellen, you were a handsome Youngman!! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Katie scratched her eye today with my old sunglasses. I feel bad. I was looking at fabric and she was rifling through my purse, and she has been crying ever since. She did get a new pony and some candy out of it. But she’s been a very good girl today, considering that I was not up to being a very active mommy.

Did I mention that Audrey said her first word? YES!ย  the first weekend of April, she said Mama. I have witnesses. Ok, one witness, but it was my dad, so there you go. The next weekend she said “Dada” so I am quite pleased. No random object realization for her, it’s Mom and dad! ๐Ÿ™‚ She is full on Scooting now. which is adorable. And a little annoying, We’d prefer her to crawl, but I doubt if it should happen at this point.

Derringer Meryl [Sweet Thang] Out

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My life.


Seriously. I’m pretty excited about it all though. last week we had Sukie’s babyshower, which went well. Some people thought I was Wudan’s twin, which I am completely used to. We are at the point in our lives that 4 years just really isn’t that big of a difference in age. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Besides my brother is awesome. So I am no longer bothered by this common statement. I was in charge of games, and it went well, I think anyway. Sukie agreed, and was really awesome about everything. ๐Ÿ™‚ I went straight from that to doing a talk the next day for Church. That didn’t go as swimmingly… but whatever. I miss having time to speak publicly, and prepare well and everything. Oh well.

I have been going through a lot of emotional stuff lately. I realize that I have been putting people in weird awkward positions trying to take up some slack for emotional needs I have. I’m a pretty needy person. Anyway. I am working on a lot of stuff. I’m like… day… 25 on my hair and make up challenge. I’m on week 6 of my biggest loser challenge, and have only lost 6 lbs that have stayed off. I need to work harder. Things are just chaotic, and I keep saying “tomorrow I will do better” But it’s rough. I was counting on DQ for a lot of help with it, and now she’s off with her boyfriend… and it’s not her fault, I just need to find more self reliance, and become stronger as a person. So i am working on that as well. I am re-starting (jump starting) my biggest loser challenge as of Monday. Which means no more diet coke and more calorie counting and more water.

In exciting news, I will be an aunt three times over this year, I am thrilled! I was telling a friend of mine that I have one more SIL that needs to get knocked up and I will have Ut Preggo SIL Bingo ๐Ÿ˜‰ Plenty of Chances to throw more showers. ๐Ÿ™‚ Additionally, Scott got the promotion he was up for, and he got the shift he wanted. Which means no more driving all over creation and eating out like I was before three days a week…. and now we don’t need a babysitter. We are forever grateful for the many people who helped us with our girls while Scott was working his crazy shift. My understanding boss, Carebear (who did the majority of the care), Frik, Squirt, Midori, Scribbles, my mother in law, Scott’s best friend and wife (who we refer to as Nick and Jessica within my family, no offense guys!!). We really appreciate it, especially since the girls were sick, and stuff. I appreciate there are people we can rely on in tight spots, especially since sometimes we called last minute, or IM’d last minute, or emailed really late at night. We really love all of our family and friends, even if you weren’t able to help… I know a lot of people wanted to.

Wudan watched Kate during the baby shower, and I love hearing about people’s interactions with her when I return. Especially people who havent’ gotten to spend a lot of time with her. She really enjoyed spending time with Wudan and The Boy. I handed off Audg to Wudan to show how fussy she gets around others, but hey, turns out she loves Wudan like me. ๐Ÿ™‚ย  HAHA. It’s great.

Things are good. On occasion I have a hard time remembering it. I have a wonderful Husband, two beautiful kids, and a good job.

Derringer Meryl [I love that you love me] Out

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Now On To Disneyland

Ok, we had SO much fun, and this might get spread over a few posts… so bear with me….


We drove STRAIGHT through. Because we’re vikings like that. Really SCOTT is a viking like that and honestly, he hates vegas, and Nevada all together, which is the most logical stopping/break point. So we just went all the way and.. Did you know LA crazy traffic starts at 6 AM? WTH? What kind of crazy people are getting up and going to work at 6 AM? No wonder everyone drinks coffee and smokes. they’re all on edge! Anyway, we got there after being stuck in some crazy traffic at 7 AM, whoopsie doodle, i forgot that there’s an hour difference here in planning our trip. Oh well. We got to the hotel, and MAN I seriously was impressed. the lady who checked us in was a bit grumpy, but I chalked it up to the fact she probably got stuck in 5 AM LA traffic, so I forgave her. We were lucky that no one had stayed in our room the night before so we got to check in immediately and take our stuff up to the room. AWESOME. DQ got to freshen up, which hyped her up, we got the kids ready and headed for the park. I think that’s the earliest we got to the park all week. We had breakfast together at the carnation cafe, and listened to them open main the rest of the park (mainstreet opens before the rest of the park) Once we were done eating we headed to get our lanyards, and delved into the deep dark underbelly of pin trading. I had been told before we left to buy some pins that you don’t really care about before going so they can trade with you, instead we spent a lot on pins we wanted in the park. Even Katie got some. We went on Pirates (all of us!) and I did a quick rider change and went on Big Thunder Mountain Twice. I feel kind of proud that I didn’t feel more nauseous than I did.ย  because going on a fast roller coaster pretty much twice in a row, makes you a little woozy. We also did Haunted Mansion, where the cast member BUTCHERED the joke (they tell you to step into the DEAD center of the room, she said it quite lack luster, and didn’t even emphasize that it should be the DEAD center!) We rode around on the train (all the way around the park) so Katie could see it, and had a good laugh when the narration said that the construction site was as people had seen the area over a century ago. HAHA. Nice. We went to toon town where Katie met goofy, we had slushies, met minnie and Mickey too. I feel bad that many of our pics don’t have Audrey in them, I have to say that I just wasn’t thinking about it TOO much, you know? I am normally a BIG planner of things and have a tendency to get upset when things aren’t exactly what i’d call perfect. So I just wasn’t thinking, because I was doing my best to relax. After we got to see a bunch of the characters, DQ and I took Katie on her first roller coaster, Gadget’s go-coaster.ย  She loved it, and then promptly ran up and down chip and dales’ treehouse. After that we all needed a nap (as we had slept in the car, except Scott) so we ate dinner at a SUPER yummy restaurant (something something Jazz in down town disney) went back to the hotel and collapsed. Weย  ended up just hanging out and going to the pool that night. Katie really enjoyed herself, and Audrey’s little bottom lip shivered. she enjoyed the pool though. Katie refused to sleep in her “pull out” bed, and slept in bed with Scott, and I slept on the pull out, which was shockingly comfortable. I woke up at 6 AM the next day…


Was Katie’s day, we did mainly Katie rides and focused on her. She wore her princess Cinderella dress and we had a lot of fun. She went on Dumbo and King Arthur’s Carousel,ย  we got hats from the Mad Hatter. I went on the teacups twice and then we went on Alice in Wonderland. Katie loved that. At that point we saw that the line for Space mountain (which I had never gone on) was really REALLY short. so we got fast passes,ย  did Finding Nemo (formerly 10000 Leagues under the Sea)ย  went on Space mountain (which was AWESOME, SO much fun!) and ventured for the MOST disgusting lunch we’ve ever eaten. We went to Red Rocket’s Pizza port. The pasta I had was… I would say poorly cooked. DQ and Scott got the same meals, and they said theirs were fine, but Katie’s pizza… was disgusting. It was cheese pizza, and that had been under a heating lamp for like 24 hr hours (I swear to you) I officially dubbed it “Syphilis Pizza” as it looked and tasted DISGUSTING, but I ate it anyway. Why? Because when you pay so much for food, you sure as heck eat it. So we finished that up, and Katie was hiding under the table, throwing a HOT fit. Well DQ, being the bestest and greatest friend ever, offered to take her to the child care center (BEST PLACE EVER!) to change her diaper and get her into some more comfy clothes. Little did we know, she had a MAJOR blow out. The worst I’ve ever heard tale of, or seen. She had poop EVERYWHERE. I won’t get graphic, but she got to go back to the hotel and relax after that, Everyone needed a nap. We had SUPER yummy take out from an italian restaurant that night. It was delicious! We all went to bed VERY Happy with our day, and with Katie’s day too.


(this seems so much more condensed when I retell it but they days were long and wonderfully relaxing) Wednesday we decided to tackle California Adventure. We ran into Mickey and Donald, and had to get Katie’s pic with them. Scott realized that his insulin was running low, and ran back to the hotel. Mean while DQ, the kids and myself sat in and watched Playhouse Disney on Stage. It was really REALLY cute. I thought. Everyone had a lot of fun, and Katie enjoyed the bubbles and dancing and singing. By the time we were done DQ had graciously offered to watch the kids while Scott and I went on Tower of terror. WHOA. I love that ride, but at the same time, it makes me scream like a little girl. For that matter, someone (after the ride) said “You were screaming the whole time. I don’t remember that exactly, but apparently I was, LOL. our picture didn’t turn out great, we were in weird positions when the camera got shot (all of my DL shots look like I was bracing for impact, because usually I am.) But it was fun, and it’s nice to get a few moments alone with Scott. He’s a sweetie. ๐Ÿ™‚ Sometimes I miss all the time we got to spend together before having kids, but I wouldn’t trade my kids for all the money in the world. ๐Ÿ™‚ย  After we were done, we picked up Scott a new shirt (as he only had black ones) and caught up with DQ and the kids in “A Bug’s World” where they had been riding a few of the kid rides. Audrey apparently didn’t like lady buggies, but they all enjoyed Flik’s Flyers. ๐Ÿ™‚ We walked together down to the paradise pier area, and Scott went on Screamin’ California all by himself (the line was short) and I took Katie on King triton’s Carousel and she sat on a gold fish. DQ and I got a fast pass for Screamin’ and headed back to find some food. All of the food in Disney’s California didn’t sound too terribly tasty but I tried something new (as per my vacation rules, all new foods) and had a chicken Caesar salad. I could have done w/o the chicken personally. We jetted back to the pier (which wasn’t incredibly pier like, all the water was drained for construction on World of Color, which I wish we could have seen) and decided to go on the Ferris Wheel. Now… I’ll be the first to admit, I’m no world class parent, but Scott and I believe that it’s better to be scared for a few minutes and be over it for the long run, and honestly, we haven’t Scarred Katie horribly yet. ๐Ÿ˜‰ (hahaha) In any case, we decided to go for the swinging Gondola. I am usually petrified of Heights, but the ferris wheel doesn’t let you look down, only look out, which I don’tย  mind. In any case, going up, Katie was happy and excited (as she had been for all the rides) then the gondola started to shift and roll, and Katie threw her hands back (to brace herself) and got that terrified look on her face) While it was straight up funny… it was SO much fun to go on with her. I’m glad we all got to go on it together.ย  Audrey (who had not enjoyed too much up to this point) had a GREAT TIME on the Ferris Wheel. DQ and I hurried to get on Screamin’ as fast as we could, and our fast passes had expired ๐Ÿ™ But the Cast Member said to go ahead. WHOO. It was soooo much fun! Then we did a bit of shopping, Met Woody (Katie didn’t want to meet him, she was at her max point…)ย  Then DQ used her feminine wiles to get a pin (HAHA, not really, she just really wanted this guy’s Eric Pin and only cast members have it) after trading with the small geeky pin cast member he nearly touched her arm, but kept his hands to himself at the last minute. After that, it was time for us to go on Soarin’ over california. In case you haven’t had the pleasure, it’s the experience that you’re flying over californiaย  while you’re sitting in a chair. it’s awesome. Scott chose to stay out with the girls. He said he thought it could have been done better, and didn’t want to go. At one point in the ride you do a fly by on an air craft carrier, and I leaned over to DQ and said “Maverik requesting a flyby” and giggled like a mad woman. They were so UN busy that they said we could go again if we wanted, and so we did. This time on the aircraft carrier I leaned to DQ and said “You’re my wingman goose” and we both died laughing a little. HAHA. Scott was tired, and so were the girls. So they went back to the hotel room and DQ and I decided to do a park hop and went back to Disneyland for the evening. We had to hurry as we had Dinner plans with Scott’s Aunt. We hurried and went for Indiana Jones, and Pirates of the Caribbean. Since those rides went so fast, we decided to hit Haunted Mansion again… and met … the CREEPIEST cast member Ever. SERIOUSLY. He was an excellent host for Haunted Mansion, and made up for the lack luster lady we encountered earlier. Very Creepy. So we got on fast (since there was a parade going) but we got STUCK. Next to the stupid howling door. DQ and I lectured the door that it needed to go to time out, and use it’s words instead ofย  screaming and snarling. we were stuck there a good 10 minutes I’d say. Maybe it seemed longer since i was stuck by the howling door. But MAN. Seriously. Anyway. After that, we BOOKED it to the hotel. My feet and back were KILLING me. But I had fun, so I was good with it. We had a GREAT dinner with Scott’s Aunt and DQ. Katie was being her regular picky eater (which is a new development) and ran around quite a bit.ย  We returned to the hotel for a good night’s sleep. ๐Ÿ™‚


We did the One magic morning this morning, and got into the park Early. I took Kate on the teacups (with DQ) and Scott took her on Mr toads wild ride, and the carousel again. I caught up with Scott and Kate and went on the Pinocchio ride.ย  Katie had a TON of fun. Then we went to Star Tours and DQ and Scott went first while I watched the kids. I sat and watched as Katie picked up a stuffed “doggie” (read Chewbacca) and was loving on him. So katie and I waited for Scott (as I didn’t take my wallet into the park) So we could rider swap. After we went on Star Tours, DQ wasn’t feeling great, so she went back to the hotel room. Scott and I stood in line FOREVER to take Katie to see the princesses, and she met Cinderella, Belle and Ariel. then we had lunch and headed over to the Jungle Cruise. The guy who drove us around was VERY funny. LOL. Then we went to the tiki room, which I had never been too, It was fun, I think Katie got up and danced a little too. It was SO much fun. We did a little souvenir shopping at that point, searching down some of the harder to find items. We headed back to the hotel, and DQ was feeling better. So we went out (she and I) to search downtown Disney. It was great. We did a little shopping, and i got Audrey a mickey mouse (as Katie has mine from my first trip to disneyland) and DQ got me a mini wind up alligator (RODRIGUEZ). We had a nice night.


I did my best to not think about the fact that this was our last day. we tried to pack in all the stuff we hadnt’ done yet. Scott and Katie split off to go on Autopia, and I was alone with Audrey, so I took her on It’s a Small world and did some window shopping. DQ caught up with me and Scott and I and so we went on It’s a Small world again ( Me, DQ and the girls) Scott has no love for the ride, so he stayed out. We had an early lunch at big thunder mountain ranch, then Katie petted some nice sheep and goats (then thoroughly washed her hands) then we grabbed some fast passes for the Indiana Jones, and headed to Splash Mountain. DQ didn’t want to go on Splash, and instead took the girls on Winnie the pooh (which they BOTH loved) while Scott and I worked hard to get drenched. Let me take a moment here to express my HATRED of people who put their hands up on rides. Go for it if no pictures are being taken, or if you’re at the back, who cares? But if you’re at the front, or even the middle, don’t be a dick, keep your hands down until after the picture, OK? then we Hustled over to Indiana jones and I went with DQ and then again with Scott. So much fun. Heather took the girls on the Jungle Ride (again) while Scott and I went on Indiana Jones. I got to go on two different versions of the ride. One for treasure and the other for the ability to see the future. it is almost exactly the same, except for the beginning. Then be busted a move back to New Orleans square to have katie meet… TIANA. She was GIDDY. So much so, it’s not even describable in words. I think it probably would have been akin to meeting Ariel or Belle as a little girl. I saw those movies in the theatre. Anyway, we went over to California adventure again to pick up some souveniers that DQ needed, and because I was trying to pick something out for myself as well. DQ got what she needed, and I finally decided on getting a handdrawn Snow White (so pretty, snow white is my fav) and picking out some prints for the girl’s room. we had dinner at the French market (Scott’s fav) and headed over to Fantasy land, where we were disappointed to see Storyland boats were closed. So we went on Casey Jr, and then Dumbo again. Katie and Audrey Enjoyed both immensely. We started back over to check out toon town, and it turned out that the story land boats were only closed for a little bit for the parade. I was glad that they got to go on it. then Heather and I ran up and went on Roger Rabbit’s Cartoon Spin. After that… our disneyland trip was at an end. ๐Ÿ™ But not our time in California!


We packed up, and booked it to Scott’s Aunt’s house. We stopped to look at the ocean (over look, we couldn’t go down there) and arrived quickly and safely. We decided to go to the beach and then to a movie and dinner. We had a great time at the beach. I wish we lived there so Katie could go every day, but I suppose if she was there every day she would get bored of it. She fell in once, but she had a good sense of humor, and popped back out fast. I waded in and quickly discovered what I apparently had been ignoring all week… huge open sores on m y feet. SALT WATER. Ouch. So I got back out and fed audrey and relaxed in the sand. Then we went to Alice in Wonderland in 3d. I thought it was good, but mostly all show. Tim Burton is very visual in telling stories, and I found that the story was… sadly lacking. Also it seemed to be a lot about healing after a loss. I think I’ll get into that later in another post. We had dinner, and then decided to head out. I started driving, and we got to drive through off and on rain. Scott and I switched a lot driving back. We had a lot of fun, and relaxed a lot. Best Vacation Ever

Derringer Meryl [happy happy day] Out

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2009, recap and goals

Time to review 2009 goals. So… here we go!

Increased Church and Temple attendance. This feels kind of personal, but I know i can do better than I did. How’s that for vague?

Have a happy Baby in July – Man oh Man, did I accomplish this! July 2, I had a beautiful Baby girl. She is happy and smiley and even when she’s in a bad mood (from teeth, that she got on Sunday December 27, 2009, Bottom right) she still manages to be sweet and charming. Huzzah!

Attend The Specialistโ€™s wedding – Yes. it was beautiful. We were a bit late. and we worried about leaving Katie out to play with Dax, but she was happy enough, and had a good time. Sweet girl. Amazing.

More Crocheting – Uh No. I still have not mastered the art of Crochet.

more Quilt work – I got Audrey’s Monkey Quilt done. Beautiful. I still need to take pictures LOL.

Get Katieโ€™s Big girl room set up – YES! Twice! She was set up in a big girl bed upstairs, and downstairs. Amazing, we rock!

Have a great 5th anniversary – I was huge and pregnant, so it wasn’t the awesomest Anniversary ever, but it was definitely not the worst. ๐Ÿ™‚

My Goals for the new year? Of course!
Save Money
Pay off debt (Most importantly RC Willey, and Scott’s Car)
Have a great time at Disneyland
Give Audrey a Great Party (whoo hoo!)
Become a Stay at Home mom
Spend more time with my kids and Scott
Learn to Cook … better? More? Whichever, or both ๐Ÿ˜‰
Learn and grow more in the gospel
Sit IN the chapel more than once a (EDIT) month.
Potty train Katie (if she’s ready, and I think she is. :))

(at the end of the year, In case I didn’t mention it in 2008, My BFF forever DQ moved in!)
Attended The Specialist’s and The Ballerina’s Wedding. Very Beautiful.
Found out that I was having my second little girl!
Scott took me out for a crazy romantic night at a B&B, and got me a pretty new necklace. ๐Ÿ™‚
Work got a WHOLE lot busier as they cut jobs and increased our work load. I am grateful that it was not my job they cut, even though we are usually fairly busy.
Got really sick, and spent some time getting rehydrated in the hospital
Picked out Audrey’s name. Beautiful. I am very happy with it.
Had to Call 911 for Scott
Had Audrey! ๐Ÿ™‚ Sweet girl of mine!
Finished Scott’s Book
Got my hair cut, LOOKS AWESOME!
Came up with a book idea, Leaving it floating in my head.
Got a Kidney infection ๐Ÿ™
Went trick or treating for the first time With Katie, She was Cinderella
Thanksgiving and new moon with DQ, Fun times!
Cars break, Katie loves Christmas
I turn 25… GOSH!
Derringer Meryl [year end review] Out

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