Undone

Hello! Sorry about the lack of updates– i’ve been– school-ing. I’m actually at school right now, attempting to get what america calls “A quality education”

yeah

I believe that.

anyway. it’s just getting hecktic. Quite crazy in fact. Wedding plans and what not. They weigh on my mind a lot, and how i tend to lose my mind when Scott’s around, nothing much gets done… because I’m just thinking about how much I love him, and it can’t possibly be … fifty-something days left. (I don’t think it’s fifty seven…)

I’m just ready to be married. If I were endowed to go to the temple, eloping would appear more and more favorable. *nods* But– whatever, I can deal. 😉 I have faith in my ability to withstand.

and I have even more faith in the fact that God isn’t that cruel…

Meanwhile– I have a piano player who won’t return my phone calls (his cell is out of service and he hasn’t returned the message I left at his house.) One cake, for two receptions (I guess?) Bridesmaid dresses that I really should be more involved in, a ring to buy, homework piling up and my hair (I’m so kidding here) is falling out. (It just sounded like some kind of irony… doesn’t it?)

On the plus side, i haven’t bitten my nails in a long time. They’re getting stronger too. More ouchies though– I’ve been getting bruises in odd places. I’m beginning to think i beat myself up in my sleep.

I’m trying to be as useful as possible, but something tells me that there is something else I could do to be more productive. I have an essay to write. A quiz to study for (tomorrow night) and I’m starting to go insane. Okay, not starting, i’m already there and back again (honestly!)

My only source of humor (besides Scott, cause he’s pretty dang funny) is the fact that Leonard Nimoy really did sing a song called “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins”

I could laugh for hours. or be horrified for hours. Either way. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [He fought with … a piano player] Out

Impending doom. I know what that feels like. i have this sick horrible feeling settled into my stomach telling me that everything I touch or I’m involved in breaks. I’m a ruiner. I ruin things for others.

I’m petrified of getting married. it’s not that I don’t love Scott, because I do. He’s wonderful, and about fifteen million other similar adjectives…. but I’m still scared. I’m scared of becoming like other married couples who aren’t happy. I’m scared of becoming like my parents.

I’m scared that Scott will be like my dad. (at this moment I’m shaking rather violently, excuse any spelling mistakes) My dad never was very much involved in my life (until now) and …. that sorta makes me angry. He always said it was my mom’s job to be involved with my school stuff. He never went to one parent teacher confrence, and like two of my choral recitals…. he went to a play I did once– mom was always so much more vigilant. Dad seemed out of the loop.

I guess something Scott said yesterday just scared me. He said that i’d be in charge of nurturing the kids.

I don’tknow. That just sorta brought my dad to mind. Maybe I’m out of line–but… All i know is that this horrible feeling in my stomach just won’t go away.

Derringer Meryl [Didn’t want to say that] Out

I love this week. Scott isn’t closing at work (hurrah!) so we get to spend a lot more time together. Tonight we went with Scott’s best friend ever to give his fiancee her ring (it was being sized) and we got to chat for a little while to her roommates. (I’m having a difficult time thinking up names for them. Simply because the name “Red” is forever and always taken, so I have to think of a slightly more brilliant name. (or more original?))

Anyway, we went bowling after that– I lost horribly. I’m bad at it, besides the fact that i’m growing my nails out and the ball broke my thumb nail (grrr!) It was still a fun time to be had. 🙂 I enjoy going out and doing things a lot more than I used to. I’m still not very talky– but I think that is very much my own fault. We cheered each other on, Scott and I sang along to “American Pie” … i think he’s got a pretty good voice. Maybe we could be a husband wife duo like “The White Stripes” (Who I’m fairly sure are a Husband/Wife Duo) While we played, Scott and I cuddled after our frames (which you may find sickening, but if you saw what they were doing– you’d be much more comfortable with the cuddles)

*sighs* Not to say that I don’t like them– but I’m certainly hoping they get over this kissy make out phase soon. I’m sure they’re both wonderful people to converse with when they aren’t attached to one another’s faces. (Is that rude? I guess I’m pretty blunt) Moving on….

So we took her back to her house first, and it took them a while to say good bye, but Scott and I Understood it full well how it felt. Still it seemed like it crunched in on our goodbye time…. *sighs* I do miss Scott a lot of the time. I’m glad he doesn’t see me when he’s not around. I’m a grouchy mean person (quite contrary to what I want to be… considering my catch phrase is “be nice!”) I have a shorter fuse and I get frustrated with noises. It’s like being on concerta again. (Which instead of making me focus on one thing, made me focus on everything!) it’s a little wacky and zany…. I’m okay when he’s away (ie, I’m still breathing and existing and what not) but I really do miss him.

I try not to worry about all the things I have buzzing inside of my brain that i wish I could tell him. About how lucky I am to have found HIM. He’s constantly telling me how lucky he was to have found me– but… I could not be more lucky than I am. I figure that it’s all that pent up Karma finally coming back to me. (thank goodniess) and it’s surely payment for that one time I stood up for a girl in class, and then she picked on me too. 😛 I wish I could tell him all the things I think and how great he really is to me. Even in the written word the vocabulary for the supreme greatness evades me. (Grammar starts to go wonkey too) I love everything about him. *sighs* It’s so perfect.

Derringer Meryl [Falling in Love Again] Out

I love the moon. I do. I think it’s singlely one of God’s Greatest creations. I love how people say that on the full moon people do crazy things. I’m sure you’ve heard of them, they’re called Lunatics. Now, that name carries a negative connotation, but I have to admit.

The moon does do crazy things to people. Not always bad crazy things (ala the image you get when someone says Lunatic) but sometimes people get more courage from it….?

I don’t know. I’m rambling. When I ramble I usually should write…. like a story or something.

I love the moon. I love Scott. Everything is good (thus resulting in this mellow quiet mood i’ve been in lately) I’m in love with the most brilliant, wonderful, sweet, kind, considerate, logical, romantic, caring, loving, hot, foxy, addictive, intoxicating, fabulous, complimentary man ever. I could go on, for pages and pages about how much I think he’s wonderful–

but i’m fairly sure Sukie is vomiting now, so I had better stop.

Derringer Meryl [Loving you is easy because you’re loveable] Out

I’ve been busy working on my psych paper, which i’ve chosen to be on the psychological effects of getting married on a bride.

If any of you married gals would like to give me insight …. ANY OF YOU! seriously, I need more than just my family! I know you’re reading this Scott’s friends. *leers* Email Me if you’re not comfortable leaving a comment. I’d just… I REALLY need your help here. I know that it’s sort notice (since it’s due tomorrow) but send this link to your friends who are married, and your friends send it to their friends. PLEASE?!?

I’d really really appreciate it. I could tell you a story or something if you’ll help me out… please?

I just need to write the paper, and i’m running into dead ends, I need to support it with psychological stuff– and i’m running more on stress.

Is stress psychological? My brain is frying. I have backed up homework that SO needs to be done.

PLEASE please pLeAZe Help me!!

Derringer Meryl [please?] Out