Undone

You look so good

When you come my way

But I have to look down

When you talk to me

‘Cause you’re dangerous

[Dangerous by Ghost of the Robot]

What can I say, today was my technical last day at work. I should be able to say what I want to anyone at work, if i really wanted to .

But I’m not. Because:

You look so good

When you come my way

But I have to look down

When you talk to me

‘Cause you’re dangerous

Dangerous

Dangerous

And you don’t even know it

He doesn’t know me, he doesn’t see me, and that’s okay. I don’t need another heart ache, heart break. I should just be cold, and I can. I can’t ignore my feelings, but I can ignore him. He knows, I know he does.

But I can’t. I just can’t. I’m not good enough. I’m just… falling to pieces. SO there. I shouldn’t be in a relationship. I’m scary. I don’t like what I become when I get into a relationship, so I’ll just hide.

it’s okay.

Till later

Derringer Meryl [But I’ll be looking at you With your long brown hair] Out

Make a Wish, It’s eleven Eleven.

Funny eh? I love it when it’s that time. It’s really… interesting. it’s the only time of day when all four numbers are the same. only time. I think that’s…. quirky.

Anyway, I know things can’t get anymore awkward at work. I’m sure they will, but if it did get any more awkward, i’d have to be … well doing things that I’ll only do after marriage. 😀

Onward.

I have to decide what movie to watch tonight, it’s a hard choice, maybe I’ll watch Wallace and Gromit, cause I rented it, and it’s due back tomorrow, and I really need to watch it so I don’t feel stupid for actually getting it, and not watching it.

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean, When one door closes I hope another opens

Today is full of sleeping. I slept when I came home from church.

Speaking of church, as i was speaking of it, it’s a funny thing. I feel at peace, and I feel hope for the life ahead that seems almost always too hopeless…..

But It seems unnatural to me. It seems like I was destined to always feel sad, and feel like there was no other purpose to my life than to bring others down to the depths where I live.

and yet. At church I feel — illuminated, and I can’t lie to you and say it’s the people. If I did, I’d lose the feeling I get there. I feel that way there because of the hope, and because of the light and the love. It seems weird that I can feel love from a place, and not from a person, but I associate some one with it. I associate my God with it.

So even if it is the one person I feel truly loves me despite all my little stupid down falls.

I realized how much like a seminary video script this sounds and such…. So I’ll stop, so I don’t smother you with my religious thoughts.

And Because Sunday is good for two things:

1)Church, and Church Food

2)Murder, it’s the only appropriate day.

Derringer Meryl [Pancakes and Gardinias Taste good Together] Out

So I went to work on… umm whatever day that was. I’d have to think and right now a temperature of one hundred degrees is preventing me from thinking much.

So If I can’t spell. None of you imaginary people are surprised.

When did I go to work? I think it was Wednesday. Yeah. On Wednesday, I worked with nearly all my managers, assist, etc, and it was, interesting to say the least, the very least.

HE was there. It was interesting. I still didn’t get any sort of pancakes thing, but um, maybe he didn’t get that he was supposed to say anything to me, or maybe….

I shouldn’t let my mind wander like that, It’s too small to be let outside….

Anyway he says to me he says “I got those notes you left for me on my car, and I said to myself ‘this is Pant’s website'” and I flushed, I”m pretty sure noticeably, and nodded and asked him what he thought of them. He thought they were “Definitely mine” and really nothing more was said.

I’m disappointed in the lack of Pancakes.

I like Pancakes.

Maybe I shouldn’t write when I’m sick, but I forgot to do this last night…..

Anyway, I happened to have cursed him too. Did I already tell this story? I think so. Anyway I cursed him and I told him I did, and he says “I hate you” In this little mock-y voice he does, it’s so foxy, and I just sorta went all flush-y again and my eyes got all really big and I looked at him and said……

“I hate me too”

Wow. Anti-climatic eh? I thought so. I said it quiet enough that he didn’t respond….. But it’s the honest truth *Waits for a huge smack on her head* i get annoyed with myself sometimes, just like anyone else.

Oh and my Boss nearly made me cry again. What a jerk.

Today I realized that I am the living Anne Shirley from Anne Of Green Gables, and Anne of Avonlea. I love those shows. Man. I just do. She’s all romance girl and wants things to be so great, and they never are good enough for her. I’d settle for what she got, corsets and all. *shakes her fists at corsets* Damn you.

Yeah. Right. Mom is asking if this entry is juicy.

My friend says it should be made into a book.

I laugh because this is the dullest thing ever known to man.

She says it isn’t dull. Oh Well, no reason to argue, but I’m talking right now to the only person I swear reads this little section of the internet.

I wonder if HE went here.

*blinks*

I suppose I’ll never know, unless I get some Pancakes.

Hey, if you know me, and you’ve read this just say to me:

“Pancakes taste good with Gardinias”

It’s just a thing I have, and I”ll know what you’re talking about, and so will you.

That’s all we need, isn’t it?

Hello again

My little friend

I did it again, Why?

Cause I thought that I deserved a chance. I muttered something about Pancakes and gardinias today while at work (not working just chilling) but nothing was said.

I hope the rain didn’t mess up the note I left.

If it didn’t– here goes.

I like you. I really like you. I’m supremely unsure of what you’re thinking more than most of the time.

Anyway, If you go back and read through my entries, that becomes evident.

If you don’t know what to day, that’s easy. Just slip me the secret password……

Pancakes taste good with Gardinias.

And all will be good. I’ll know you know…. and You will know that I know. Then my mind can go and rest in peace.

Derringer Meryl [Rest in peace] Out

I was so nervous about putting up a new entry.

I was afraid he wouldn’t see it, I still dont’ know if he did. Maybe he figured my Journal was private and kept out.

Yeah, right.

*sighs* I might as well say, “Hey, I happened to douse my clothes in gasoline, and this lighter is alittle faulty, want to fix it for me?”

Okay, so that was the lamest little metaphor ever, but I’m not exactly on my game right now. I just… Sorta suck at the talking and not being completely nervous thing.

I just… really don’t want to loose friends. And I’m in the position where I’d consider him a friend. I mean, FETCH, he invited me to a party at his house. None of my …. umm…. okay, some of my friends have, but I mean — he didn’t have to, but did, that’s what made the difference…. and he was probably just doing it to be nice, but…

It made me feel special. Even if my Dad did ruin it.

And I guess that’s what I like about him so much. That doing normal things makes me feel special. Important. We’d just be doing normal store stuff, and when he’d ask me to do stuff….

It was nice. He asked me nice, and it didn’t make me feel stupid.

I didn’t even mind getting his dinner for him cause he asked nice.

Fetch– now you see how far a nice little “Please” can get you. And you know, it makes people have a nice day.

Say Please:

Derringer Meryl [Where there is hatred let me sow love] Out