Undone

And this one time……

I remember that i was taking piles of work out, and he handed me some…. and …. our hands brushed. It was like time slowed down. I miss that.

I suppose I should review life. Work, is great. I love my co-workers. I need to generate more bussiness. If we don’t….. then …. no hours=no money=sad me.

I’m still groaning and moaning about the total moron that is me. For the fool I made of myself.

All life is now is school and work….. and work used to include him. and now it doesn’t. life seems empty. Ya know? it was like I’d look forward to going because… he’d be there, or I could maybe see him, or be some where he was that day.

And now. it’s empty, and cold. and filled with organization, and memorization…. and blah

Feeling the adoration of the rain we’ve been having. He used to tell me when it rained “I love the rain. I love the way it smells, and the way it looks, and I love being in it….” It was…. nice.

The rain reminds me.

Derringer Meryl [Remember Me, Ever so softly] Out

So life at the new store is going well, doesn’t stop my co-workers from teasing me. That’s okay, I’m dealing, and I’m loving it all to pieces.

School is hectic, preventing me from my net usage. which is a bummer and a half, cause I love it on the net, and It makes me feeel better to write on here.

I have to look down when I talk to you

I do. I have to look down now. I got my pancakes, and while I don’t know if it’s awkward for him, cause I’m not him…. But I have to look down when I talk to him. He might see the conflict brimming behind the glassy stare I’d give him. It hurts to look him in the eyes.

If you ever met me face to face, you’d know that the only time i look someone in the eye is when they’re telling me something important, like vitally. Life or death important. Like that.

Oh, Did I tell you, I started hurting myself again. it’s almost like it’s involentary. Okay it is involentary. I dig my nails into my arms if someone at school is annoying me, because I don’t understand why– they are the way they are.then of course i dug my car keys into my arm because I was talking to him, and it kept my mind off of him…. off of the fact that …..

I was rejected again.

Okay, so I promised to let go if he just gave me the little code. So I should. I should shut up.

I should just say-

The thing I miss the most about the Mall is ….. You.

Derringer Meryl [Stalk me] Out

I got my pancakes today.

I’m not sure whether to laugh– or cry…. or…. just curl up in a ball and die.

I think the ball and die one.

I’m not handling school well. The classes are over flowing….. and the students are… horrible. I can’t handle it any more. I think I have to do something.

And all I know is it’s either them or me.

With all my heart I hope it’s me. *blinks*

I’m a little miserable at the moment. Please… understand.

Derringer Meryl [I am the thing I hate] Out

I hope this works, Diaryland has been having problems the past few days.

Anyway, i directly gave HIM my diaryland addy. As in I stood before him, and wrote it, and told him to read it all. As in all of it. Every thing.

So here I am once again ready to write him a little note in case he comes along, even though he says he hasn’t been on the net for a while, I sorta hope he comes on tonight and reads this.

Dear “you”-

I could make this all flowery and stuff, but that wouldn’t really be my style for writing, not really anyway. In any case I just thought you should know that secret I’ve been keeping for a while, the one I’d never tell you, because I was working with you, remember?

Well Since I’m working technically with you anymore, I thought you ought to know…..

THat I really really like you. Your smile, and your quirky way of talking, everything. It’s perfectly you. You’re not perfect, but everything that makes you, you, is.

Does that make sense? You’re nice to people, even when you don’t have to be, and I”m not used to that. Doesn’t always make sense to me.

I really hope you read more of this, It’s hard to explain this to you, really.

I’m sure you’ve already figured it out….. cause you’re a smart guy, and that’s another reason I like you. Cause you’re smart and witty…. and just…. so you. You’re comfortable with yourself, and I admire that about you.

*sighs*

Anyway. I’m sure you can find my email on here, almost positive, I’ll leave these lyrics from Dangerous by Ghost of the Robot with you.

I don’t think you know my name

I think you’d leave me standing in the rain

Pretty little [boy] girl, got a thing for me

But you’d cut me open and let me bleed

But I’m lookin’ at you

With your long brown hair

Pretty little feet

Sparkling everywhere

You look so good

When you come my way

But I have to look down

When you talk to me

‘Cause you’re dangerous

Dangerous

Dangerous

And you don’t even know it

One baby, two, maybe three more years

Be a full hot baby, have all your curves

In a little taste of irony:

You’ll be a too hot baby, too good for me

But I’ll be looking at you

With your long brown hair

Pretty little feet

Sparkling everywhere

You look so good

When you come my way

But I have to look down

When you talk to me

‘Cause you’re dangerous

Dangerous

Dangerous

And you don’t even know it

So little baby, you better stay set

Play with fire when you get too wet

Set me down and leave me be

Find the devil when you unchain me

But I’ll be looking at you

With your long brown hair

Pretty little feet

Sparkling everywhere

You look so good

When you come my way

But I have to look down

When you talk to me

‘Cause you’re dangerous

Dangerous

Dangerous

And you don’t even know it

Derringer Meryl [You’re dangerous for me] Out

Can I say I happen to love Wyclef Jean?

Uh, my name is Hope, yo

I was blessed with the body of the Goddesses

Have you any idea how hard this is?

I could flex in 25 positions

But I only work here to pay my tuition

Yo, tantalizing teaser

Table-top pleaser

Give me what I need a

Mastercard a Visa

Lap dance fantasy

[Perfect Gentleman]

So I already did my last day at work. You’ll have to get used to my new list of names, or did I ever mention their names. Well I have a new boss, and mostly new co-workers.

A friend of mine brought me brownies, It was really nice of him to do. Since I really like chocolate, and it was super nice.

Yesterday was my old boss’ birthday so I wanted to make him a cake…. but since my mom was out most of the day, I didn’t get to.

I’m taking it to him tomorrow.

🙁 And then i talked to HIM today, momentarily. I had to call and see if my old boss was working tomorrow, and I talked to him just about stuff. I think that’s what I”m going to miss the most about him, talking to him. Why? I can tell you he makes me feel a special way, not like something nasty or whatever, but it was like, he was really listening. . . . even when he was just joking with me. . . . I felt like it mattered to him.

I wonder to myself if it did.

Probably not. But wondering wont’ hurt me.

I decided that I won’t live with regret when it comes to HIM. That doesn’t mean I’ll tell him, it means I won’t regret not telling him.

Makes sense. I can’t help but want him to know, but I’ll never tell

[insert creepy voice] I’ll never tell [end creepy voice]

Anyway- I’m outtie.

Derringer Meryl [Ten grand lemmie see you shake your body] Out