Undone

I’ve never considered myself weak, only kind.

However I draw the line exclusively at touching. You touch me, and i WILL react in a violent manner. I may regret it later, but no matter what, It will be violent. Tonight at work with the Mouth and a parttimer i voiced my extreme dislike for being touched….

And then promptly was touched BY the parttimer.

Let me clarify what I constitute as touching. I have a bubble. I’ve had this bubble for a long time. It surrounds me, and if you invade it, that’s okay, just get out of it fast…. that’s just invading my space. Touching means a part of YOUR body comes into contact with a part of MY body. It’s very simple.

Now, this wasn’t a simple pat on the arm. NO. This was, he slipped his arm along my back and attempted to scoot me out of the way– he did this instead of asking me to move, or more appropriately tapping me on the shoulder, he instead tried to move me forcibly by putting his arm around my waist.

Before I sound like a crazy, I know there is only about three feet behind the counter space (depth wise) and that there isnt’ a lot of space to maneuver. The occasional brush of someone against someone else is NOT unheard of. Hell, I’m used to that.

This was intentional contact, in, in my opinion, inappropriate ways. I don’t LIKE to be touched. I hate it. I told him I hated it.

Then he touched me. Does anyone else see what’s wrong with this? I do.

*shudders* I hid behind the Mouth for the most of the rest of the night. I became quiet and withdrawn. I hate being touched. Being touched reminds me of things– memories long since forgotten– I wanted to hide, i wanted to be away from the store.

For the first time in my two years and three months of working at the store, I felt uncomfortable there. Emotionally. I’ve hated my co-workers– I’ve hated my managers. I’ve hated the customers, but all the while i’ve been safe.

Now I don’t feel like it so much. I don’t know why– but it’s not safe there anymore.

Derringer Meryl [In Need of Help] Out

Lyrics are poetry that is sung. I’m sure that’s the stupidest thing i’ve said all day– still it’s the truth, and i’m all about the truth. and i’ve been listening to this song: You Oughta Know by Alanis Morrisette. And while the overall message is something that i relate to …. the broken promises, the quick replacement– i haven’t done the things that Alanis speaks of in her song… *coughs*

I want you to know, that I’m happy for you

I wish nothing but the best for you both

An older version of me

Is she perverted like me

…..

Does she speak eloquently

And would she have your baby

I’m sure she’d make a really excellent mother

And I feel like screaming that sometimes. What makes the other girl so much better? What is she that is so enticing. I’ll tell you what, she’s Not Interested. and that’s what makes girls interesting to boys. The conquest, the journey, and the fear. It’s a rush. And No one wants to climb (metaphorically) the same mountain twice. Good God. WHy should you have to? There’s fifty million other mountains, so– move on. Sure, there are the few people who climb Everest twice– and those are the (metaphorically) ones who get married, and stay that way. It’s more than an adventure, its a way of life.

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn’t able

To make it enough for you to be open wide, no

And every time you speak her name

Does she know how you told me you’d hold me

Until you died, till you died

But you’re still alive

I may not have done everything that Alanis speaks of, but I know– that guys (as well as girls, but guys are more noted for it) promise things to get into girls (guys) pants. *laughs bitterly* I promise you that i’ll always be your friend.. Nothing you say can make me loose respect for you… Well excuse me, that’s bull shit. I’m sorry to say it, but there’s no getting around it– no getting around how it’s a lie. it’s age old, and girls still fall for it. We honestly want to believe people, believe that someone loves us, only us.

God, How often is it actually true?

And I’m here to remind you

Of the mess you left when you went away

It’s not fair to deny me

Of the cross I bear that you gave to me

You, you, you oughta know

And how fair is it that when you need people the very most, when you most need a shoulder to cry on people conveniently leave. When you hurt the most. People tell you to suck it up and move on. Just Move On. I get the concept, but the action it’s self eludes me. Yes, because I was a liar too. I didn’t mean all of those nice things i said about you. And i”m going to prove it by picking myself up, effortlessly, and moving on to the next date…. victim. No. So I agonize for … a while. At least people know my emotion is true, it’s deep, and i’m not going to smother it for their good. Too bad.

You seem very well, things look peaceful

I’m not quite as well, I thought you should know

Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity

I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner

It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced

Are you thinking of me when you [are with] her

Pick it up, move on. Love, Move. Love Move…. That’s insane. Freakishly insane. I can understand moving on. I Get that. But c’mon, intense relationships aren’t always the long ones. But society paints it out to be that you can’t get to know someone in a short amount of time…. And left is right and up is down, and there is no right direction. And it’s confusing. So I follow my heart. And it says it hurts still. It hurts because I was lied to. I was decieved. I was lead to believe that You didn’t care, and then to alleve your guilt, you told me the truth– you did care. and then he cared… and i was confused. I was scared. because no one wants me. And I can’t blame you for liking him, but God, I can blame you for telling me…. promptly after I had finally relaxed enough to believe that you DIDN’T like him.

This isn’t so much about him, as it is about your selfish-ness.

Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me

And I’m not gonna fade

As soon as you close your eyes and you know it

And every time I scratch my nails down someone else’s back

I hope you feel it…well can you feel it

Can I explain to you, that I love you. Like a sister. You’re my best friend– But it still hurts inside, and i’m not sure where I am at all.

And I can’t blame you for wanting him. How could you not? I blame myself. I hate Myself. Everything about me. For which there is no remedy. Someday the pain will cease. but — not yet.

I don’t want to talk about it. I jsut wanted to get it out. This isn’t a “I want to Discuss this with BOTH of you” type thing. This is a “I’ve bottled this up, and it’s not going to help me move on” type thing. Keeping inside was only infecting the whole damn emotional system. You two can snog like kittens now for all I care.

Just don’t tell me.

Derringer Meryl [Cynical] Out

Doesn’t it drive you insane when you’re trying to remember someone’s exact words and all that comes to mind is gibberish. *growls* I want to remember what Aragorn told Eowyn… when they talked before he went into the mountain.

It went a little like this:

Aragorn:”Why do you linger here?”

Eowyn: “Do you not know?”

Aragorn: *pause* “The Man you love is but a thought and a memory.”

I think that’s what he said. it’s the last part i’m worried about. Please, if you’ve just seen the film, i’d LOVE to know. *coughs* You could always Email me… and i’d be greatly beholdin’ to ya. *giggles*

i’m thinking of changing my layout again.. I’m just a fickle girl, I know. Oh, For those of you who haven’t been keeping track of the titles of my blog as of recently (the ones on the pictures) I’ll indulge you (like you care)

Affirmation, Acquiescence, Relapse

it may not seem like a lot to you, but honest. It means something.

i sorta want to explain it to those of you who don’t know me that well, but– part of me hesitates… because i don’t want to keep going on this. I’m tired. I’m tired of ragging on it. That’s what Acquiescence was about.

Passive assent or agreement without protest

it’s okay. I’m going to sink silently into the night, and not bring it up, because– i want the best for you. i want you to be happy. See? This is what i mean. Then… I relapsed.

To fall or slide back into a former state. To regress after partial recovery from illness

or addiction. Obsession. That works too. It’s bad. But I guess i’m sorta dealing with more than just… the one thing. There’s the fact that i’m not taking my medication anymore…. and the relationship that exists mostly in my mind (I guess, but i’d rather not discuss) and …. my first boyfriend. i can’t help it… but every time i look in the mirror I think of the words he’d say

You’re ugly.

you’re not worth anything

God, could you be fatter.

and it’s hard. to not believe him…. to not look at myself and see what he sees. What he saw. He doesn’t look anymore. He’s fairly successful… he has a job, makes more money than I do– he’s still a charmer– and despite the fact that they saw– they SAW what happened to me … girls still fall for it.

I pity them all.

And… I … I would have fallen back into his arms in a heart beat. He had me trained. Might still. *shrugs* i’m not around him enough to know. I can’t let my guard down around him because… if i did, for one minute– i’d be back there– in the hellish place… being hurt– being told those things again.

and the worst thing is that i’d believe him. Every word. because affection, even in it’s most sullied form, is affection. and i need it. I crave it.

i’m more than just casually addicted.

and no– my mum and dad hugged me enough as a child. and there was a lot of love in our home. I know i’m wanted here… that they love me.

but it’s never felt right. The only girl, only daughter, and the youngest, is a dangerous kind of cocktail. Two things you should never mix in a family with alcoholism and depression in it’s background. (not that i’d drink– but still, addictive tendencies) It’s like you’re asking to have a psychotic teen on your hands.

and people always say that i have to love myself before others can love me.

and I’d tell you what i think of that, but i’m trying my hardest not to swear. It’s a bad habit, highly addictive. Gives off lots of tension, with the slip of a tongue. shame on me. *looks sheepish* it’s a load of crap though. There is only one person who can love me the way i am, and sometimes, i don’t talk to him the way I should. Once again with the shame on me…

and honestly, the only people in the world who love me are the ones who don’t know me well, or have known me long enough that they simply must. It may sound like i’m depressed but….

honestly, i’ve not felt better in a long time. not since… well before. I guess I see what i as good and what is good, is different.

I think when I’m not hungry, it’s good. Like yesterday– i ate one meal, and wasn’t hungry the rest of the day. That’s good. good to me. I know it’s because of my depression that i didn’t want to eat– but my desire not to eat, made me happy…. so– my sadness pleases me.

Could I be more masochistic? But I guess, if i wasn’t so down on myself… if i didnt’ hate myself for the way i am– then every thing would be okay. I wouldn’t be so depressed, and i wouldn’t be so masochistic… (being the second and third definition, not the first.)

The deriving of pleasure, or the tendency to derive pleasure, from being humiliated or mistreated, either by another or by oneself.

A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences.

That’s me. I hate myself. WHy not put myself through hell? I deserve it.

Why not re run the millions of things i could have done BETTER in a relationship through my head until it makes me ill. Until i can’t sleep… until i can’t cry anymore and the day breaks, and no one knows…. and I can’t tell them. Because they think i’m wrong. that i’m sick

and that i’m misshapen. Ugly, disgusting, foul, defective, erratic, faulty, mishandled, unsound, blasphemous, indecent, iniquitous, profane, damaged, mangled, feeble, and screwed up.

I am. I am all of those things. and I don’t know why. I don’t know why the images linger still. I don’t know why I can’t go on like everyone else.

Maybe i cling to those who show affection who had no need to. It shocks me. Intrigues me…. thrills me. i don’t know why they do it. I want to. and before i can ask– they’re gone.

in a heartbeat.

how can a bond so tight be broken so quickly?

Maybe it’s like shoe laces. You pull them too tightly, and they bust.

I feel busted.

and some of this is about one thing, and some of it is about another. and honestly, i don’t know where the line separates. it seems to be one large ball of pain inside of my brain, and i try to shove it away– try to keep smiling, but i find when i don’t notice what i’m doing, tears begin to well in my eyes. the smile that is so often permanently plastered on my face dissipates.

I’m…. hurting. From things so far in the past that i can’t even remember them clearly– from pushing them away so hard…. and from the present. the constant sting of my ever absent friends. but i keep reminding myself.

not everything is about me. everyone has problems. everyone has hurts, and everyone deals with them.

why are you having such an issue?

sometimes i’m angry with myself for saying that. I’m NOT like everyone else– i care. I care about everyone. I care about the freakish jerk who cuts me off in traffic. I care about the homeless person on the street.

and this isn’t a little care. This is overwhelming care. This is inside of my brain all of the time– constantly making me feel. as if to make up for all of those years of not caring…. for not feeling anything….

Derringer Meryl [Something’s here I’m not quite getting] Out

Antigone’s (that’s the Specialist’s Wife) blog is closed down now. It makes me sad, I really enjoyed reading it– But when her mind is set, it’s set, i guess.

Her writing seemed honest and extremely…. *thinks of the word* insightful. She works now, and so consequently they dont’ come down to visit so much anymore unless it’s a holiday. *nods* So it was nice being able to read what was going on, and learning more things about her. My mom always says “A son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is your daughter all of your life” Cute isn’t it? Well– the cute little saying pretty much amounts to the fact that my brother is my brother until he gets married. Not that my brothers and i were SO tight before that. Dating takes care of that.

Which is why i vowed i wouldn’t forget my friends when i began to date. Loosing myself in another person …. is dangerous… as well as very hurtful to those around you.

But I’ve vented about that kind of stuff before– today I’m going to focus a little bit more on Antigone. I was informed, that i was rude to her. Meh, that sounds wrong. I probably was. I was too old for how young i was acting. Ya see, despite what it should be, I was extremely close (in my opinion) to the Specialist. I stole his style, and his clothes, and (even now, to some extent) I want to be just like him. I wanted Antigone to be my sister-in-law, but as soon as they got engaged, (even before that, but i suppose I didnt notice as much) the Specialist stopped spending so much time with his lousy sibs… and I suppose i latently blamed Antigone…. i shouldn’t have, and i see that now. Maybe that’s how people got the vibe I was being rude?? I dont’ know. Maybe i’m just a really rude person underneath it all…

I apologize to her if I was rude– I was (and i still can be) very immature.

She and I don’t have a lot in common, except our love for Anime. So I found it interesting to read her blog. But I do suppose it was her choice to take it down….

*pats her blog* I love this one too much to take it down.

Derringer Meryl [My Precious] Out

Someone should stand by my front door and screen what i wear before I leave the house. I’ve thought that before, since i often wander out of the house in my PJ’s and without my hair done up nicely, and i look a right horrid sight to be seen. But then– THis happens.

I had to hurry off to work for a moment to give Artemis some money to buy my LoTR ticket for me. She and I fall into the Geek check area of watching the movie at midnight when it opens. I count myself lucky to go– but more on that later…. It’s pretty cold outside, so I pull the only sweatshirt that’s clean out of my closet, and pull it on. I arrive at work, after a short five minute drive, and hand my money over to Artemis, and she comments on my sweatshirt. It’s a curious George one, I bought it two years ago, and it reads on the front “(heart) the monkey” One of the part-timers read it aloud, and then I final understood something… That wearing that shirt, was a bad idea. (I bet you thought that it was that I love Monkey, huh? You’re so wrong! of course that WOULD be the obvious teenage answer, but then again, i’m not the obvious teen!) I stuttered for a moment, and commented how i didn’t think of that before I wore the shirt to work.

It’s a mistake I won’t be repeating…. Today is Guts’ birthday. (Guts is a co-worker and friend– he has cute little nicknames for me, and he loves to make me laugh, almost as much as i love to laugh at his jokes.) I don’t know how old he is, but all in all, Happy Birthday to him. I should have made him a card. Shame on me. *frowns* I was supposed to go to Halo Night, and while I would have loved to– It seems like a bad idea. I’m not close with anyone in the group, and honestly– no one seems to care if i’m there or not. *nods* not to mention the right long lecture I’d get for going.

Which makes me wonder, why don’t we do bad things? is it because of the punishment, or is it because it’s wrong?

Faith in Buffy: I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I’ve got muscles you’ve never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you popped like warm champagne, and you’d beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don’t? Because it’s wrong.

Sure, Faith puts it a little… *coughs* crudely, but honestly why don’t we go out and give in to our baser demands….? Why don’t we sleep with everyone and anyone– kill who we can, when we can– hurt everyone…. To paralell Faith:

I could cut you. I could make thin gashes on your skin, all over your body, and you’d sweat because of the pain, and the sweat, would roll into those thin shallow cuts, and cause your entire body to feel as though you’re on fire that cannot be extinguished. Then, after your cuts closed, i’d make ten cuts diagonally along the closed wounds, reopening the original wound, and adding smaller but deeper wounds. I could stick needles underneath your toe nails, and make thick shallow cuts underneath your eyes and your cheekbones, maximizing the pain from the tears you’re crying by this point. I would make you regret every wrong thing you’ve ever done, not to mention the things you did to me. I could make you so sorry– and after i was done, i would make you live with it…. carefully avoiding the arteries.and you know why I don’t? Because It’s wrong.

*blinks* If you’re more than frightened, good. I’m not sure where i channeled that from, but i want you to know I’m scared too. *blinks again* my mind just knows pain, i guess. From months and months of hating someone (J, my first Boyfriend) I’ve thought of millions and billions of ways to make him hurt. Nothing extreme (severing body parts) as that would be too simple. Something permanent, that would teach him that I wasn’t to be stepped on. I dreamed of things like this. I guess that makes me — disgusting… I suppose. That’s why i stopped hating him. IT was killing me, more than it was hurting him. He had long before stopped caring how i felt. Heck, I don’t think he cared during the relationship, which he denies we had one. Makes me look psychotic.

Then again, so does this whole entry.

The point is, every person has dark, AND light. Some people choose to embrace the dark, and some choose to embrace the Light. And some choose to pull from both sides. Every person should be feared, and loved. It’s just.. the nature of things. But– can there be fear in Love?? Not really- but the fear is the natural thing, and the love is the unnatural.

While I have evil thoughts brewing in my brain sometimes, i do tend to lean to the unnatural state of mind.

Derringer Meryl [Reaching for Yin and Yang] Out