Undone

Hello faithful readers. Sorry I’ve been so grouchy lately. It’s my forte. I bit my own father’s head off last night at dinner for trying to tickle me. I’m in some sort of auto defense mode. Don’t ask me. I’m tending to freak out at anything that says to me: “This could lead to Scott unhappiness” and attempt to avoid it.

if it helps the reader to know, i’m in a new kind of exquisite pain, that I would not wish on anyone, No not even Hitler. Mostly I consider the pain to be recompense for being so mean. Which Is why I usually try to keep myself in control…..

Anyway.

Yesterday, i woke up pretty early, Like I said i would, and got a shower so i could style my hair. All my make up is sitting un-used in my drawer. I don’t need it to feel pretty or normal anymore. I can look in the mirror now (most times) and think how Scott loves me the way I am. Other times I recoil in horror wondering when I got that zit… anyway. Scott got here at Eight-thirty, and we watched MST3000. I’ve seen the show before, but still, it was funny…. though I admit, I wasn’t paying much attention to the film. Then Scott and I went on a search for the elusive wedding cake topper. (dun dun dun!) We looked at other things I had seen that i thought might be good for the wedding too. I have to have Scott’s input, because If I planned this all, it’d be quite an adventure. I realize just now that I forgot to take him to see the lamps my mom wanted to get. *sighs* Oh well. Maybe tonight? We found a guest book we both liked, fits our style just great, and talked about the cake knife. Scott doesn’t want it to be awfully gaudy, which I can understand, and I agree, but I want it to look pretty too… so it’s gonna be a while I think. I could, for all intents and purposes, just pick it out myself, but honestly… it wouldn’t be much of a wedding if Scott wasn’t there, so — yeah. He gets input too.

We discussed the garter event. He was leery about it… and asked a few questions, to which i scrunched my nose up and rather told him he would not be taking it off with his teeth. There is no way. Also, there will be two garters, One for me to keep (I’m picking out a rather expensive one… especially considering it’s a one time use garter) and a cheaper one to toss.

after looking at three different stores we hadn’t found a Cake Topper we both liked, but Scott suggested we looked online, so we did later on, and found this one.

What especially had frustrated Scott and I when we were out looking was the fact that only blonde grooms could marry blonde brides. It was rather frustrating. :-S This one we found has matching colors to us (Blonde Groom, Brunette Bride) and it’s just plain cute. *smiles*

Between all the cake topper goodness, we watched another movie… I’m not sure i”m allowed to tell you…. Hm… Oh well, Scott did it for me, because I love him, and he loves me. I got Scott to watch Harry Potter. Unfortunately it was in the middle of when I usually take my nap (apparently) and I fell asleep. At the end Scott said it was what he expected, it was okay. *shrugs* Still, He watched it, and it makes me happy to know he’s willing to do new things for me. *thinks of what she needs to do that’s new* Well, I did try D&D for Scott. So– yeah. 🙂 I guess it balances out.

We had our home teacher over and he gave us a message (as per usual) and Scott and Dax made little jokes through out it. I was the only one to hear them, but it was still funny. Then we watched a little of the apprentice (wahoo, it was the only non-gross thing on.) and King of Queens. Had some dinner, where I bit my dad’s head off (as per I formerly mentioned) and then we watched some of Record of Lodoss War: Chronicals of the Heroic Knight. It’s not bad, not like i expected (and was told) it would be. Once again, I wasn’t paying much attention to the film. I was just so happy Scott got to spend the whole day with me. I love that. I wish I had every wednesday free from School. *kicks school* stupid School!

So that was my day, edited for those who begged that I leave all the kissy stuff out. (NAH! :P)

Oh and… Happy 500th entry to me!!! I rock a whole bunch and stuff. 😀

Derringer Meryl [Happy giddy Girl] Out

I’m tired of letting you live it up at my expense, I’m exhausted from wedding planning, and only rejuvenated by seeing Scott.

He appreciates me.

On to my day summary 😀

I went to school. I didn’t really want to, I had even considered skipping, but I went and I got to watch Chocolat (the first half) and found out that we’re watching Dead Poets Society in Psychology on Thursday.

Then I got to go out to Lunch with Scott. I beat him finishing lunch (wahoo) though I felt like a stuffed pig. Then we went to look at furniture together. We like similar things, so it’s really easy picking things out together. We found a couch set that we liked. I need to show him the table my mom is going to let us have (heirloom) and show him what’s underneath the oddly colored tablecloth. After that, we had another tickle fight at home. I don’t think I lost, it was just pay to play. 🙂 Which was alright by me. After that I had class, and he had work, so we both had to skedaddle in opposite directions, it was a short visit, but it tided us both over until tomorrow, when we get to spend all day together (I have no school, and he has no work) so he’s coming up early so we can hang out.

I’m sure I”ll be up at six getting ready. I’m all sweaty from the heat today, so I’m gonna get all pretty for scott tomorrow. He says i”m always pretty, but I feel better when at least my hair is styled.

Cheese I’m so lucky to have Scott. 🙂

Anyway, If i go to sleep, then I get to wake up and Scott’ll be here! Wahoo!

Derringer Meryl [All You need is Love] Out

Apparently Scott was so tired last night (I would not doubt it. The tiredness sorta hit us all at once) he didn’t get to post about our fun night. 🙂

First we decided (or I decided, and I told Scott it would be a good idea) to ditch out on Spycraft. I was really tired, and I didn’t want to spend time with my siblings and the great chance there was of them embarrassing me. Not to mention they started at Seven, and Scott didn’t get here until nearly ten. So — whatever. I’m sure they digressed into watching SpongeBob by then.

Anyway, we went to go see Starsky and Hutch instead. Can I say Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson ROCK!? They’re a great comedy duo. Absolutely hilarious. Of course there was the obligatory oggle women and what not. C’mon, it’s a show based in the Seventies. It’s unnecessary, sure, but it makes the film more real to the seventies. *shrugs* At least I know Scott found them as stupid as I did. Also, Will Ferral was freaking awesome. H’es so hillarious. We had Ice Cream to eat during the film, which I probably shouldn’t have had. Being lactose intolerant and all. But it looked really good, and I don’t always feel too bad after eating some… and … well… *shrugs* anyway.

After the movie, Scott took me downtown (a good distance from the movie theater we were at.) and up on a hill to over see the city and look at the lights. It wasn’t too cold outside, but I began to shiver. (stupid body) I was really excited because I thought maybe it was the surprise proposal, but then I remembered that the ring was still being sized and that there were a few other complications too. So I tossed that out of my brain rather fast. Still, it was a very nice view, I wish we could have stayed longer, but once again, the shivers took over and Scott said he didn’t want me getting sick. (Which is sweet. I don’t get sick from the cold, just stupid things I should know better than to do) It was getting pretty late at this point, so we got in the car and he took me home.

So that’s the recap. I could go into mushy stuffs and what not, but I just remembered that i have work today, and my mom wants me to go and shop for something with her– and…

Oh what the heck.

it feels so right being around Scott. I feel right, the world feels right… Sometimes I feel a little silly because he says all these sweet things to me, and I just get so dumbfounded, I dont’ know what to say back. I have so many things buzzing around in my brain, to say, to suggest, to compliment, and– it just stays there, because I can’t do anything to get it out. It’s so frustrating sometimes. That’s why I’m grateful that I ahve this to write in. Sometimes I can say the things here to Scott that I can’t verbalize properly. For being on the debate team, I sure have a lack of vocabulary and quick tongue. I’m not very clever, but … I know Scott loves me. And he knows that I love him, even though i say it in my little voice.

Derringer Meryl [Going to Fly A Kite, I guess] Out

I got that new layout I was talking about. Isn’t it special? I thought so. 😀 Still all blushy. I think some of the initial shock of “Oh My Goodness, I’m going to get married” has worn off…. because i’m actually eating again. Sorta scares me…. How much i eat. *shakes her head* My will is in direct comparison to aluminum. *smiles* My mom keeps gently reminding me that i need to stay thin enough that i’ll fit into my wedding dress.

I think I just need to find a happy balance between “Stressed eating everything in sight” Meryl and “I’m so in love i haven’t eaten in hours, and I’m okay with that” Meryl. Neither one is very healthy. I have three months from now until the wedding. I should really work on getting skinnier. Not unhealthy skinny (see Tracy Gold from Growing Pains) but back to a more healthy weight. I mean, I’m not super fat. I know that. I’m not obese. I’m glad of that. I don’t think I’m ugly the way I am. I just would perfer to be smaller, is all. Fifteen pounds is all it would take to knock me from being overweight, to a healthy BMI. Isn’t that sad?

It disturbs me that I’m so obsessed with this. I know Scott doesn’t care. He says I’m beautiful (multiply that into fifteen other ways to say that) just the way I am. I feel beautiful just the way I am. I just wonder if I’m healthy the way I am. And honestly– I’ve never felt prettier than when i’m with Scott. I feel … wanted. No conditions, no rules are bars or “You just need to…” statements. I think that’s wonderful. I just really hate living in this world. I hate living in a place where people are screaming about eating more healthy and looking thinner, and being more fit. I feel like i’m going insane. All that women become are pretty things to look at, very few women are admired for their minds. One tends to believe they have no mind. You don’t hear them speak out– average women. I mean sure, there’s Oprah and Rosie O’Donnell (anyone else want her to shut up?) and Sharon Osborne, but are they saying anything worthwhile? Are they saying it themselves? Or is it just something prefabricated by some person behind the scenes. Just another pretty face to push the package.

*feels a little sad* I guess I kinda went on a binge tonight (I tend to do that when I’m feeling down) I shouldn’t have eaten a lot of what I did. I had two lunches (to make up for the fact I had no breakfast) Dinner, Chips, Pocky, and Pudding…. and two eight ounce bottles of water. Every time I ate I felt my brain screaming “Don’t eat that! You’re going to get fat!” I could say I get that from my mom, one of my earliest recollections was of my mom grabbing my waist and pinching saying that I needed to loose some. I think I was like eight. I dont’ mean to sound like I blame my mom. I’m just– I’m tired of crash dieting. That’s what it is. I don’t blame my mom. She’s the greatest mom ever. She helps me all the time. I love her.

I remember not feeling as pretty as the girls at school, as young as the second grade. My hair was a rats nest, and I was a chubby kid. I was. No doubt. I had a sweet tooth. I had like seven of them. It was all I would eat. Any sib of mine can tell you that. All I’ve ever wanted was to be like the other girls. I don’t know when it finally hit me, but I finally understood that i’m not the other girls. They didnt’ understand me. THey didnt’ understand that I couldn’t do the things they were doing. I didn’t have a boyfriend in Elementary like they did.

Every message I got from my first boyfriend was that I was undesirable. I had never felt so low as I did that year. I looked horrible, I felt horrible. My life was trashed. I was thirty or so pounds overweight. It only got worse with each time he said “God Meryl, Could you weigh anymore?” Sometimes I can stil hear him asking me. I remember how funny he thought it was. I remember trying to cling to how much I loved him. I couldn’t lose him. I was so scared. I think being hurled into depression that year was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Sure, it sucked at the time, but I felt great after it went away. Because of the depression, I lost my appetite. (Food and my emotions go together like bread and butter) I didn’t eat, so I lost a lot of weight. I learned how to style my hair. I learned that my first boyfriend was a complete and utter jerk (for the lack of a better word that isn’t profane) I pieced my life back together. But I cut a lot of social stuff out of it. I learned that people weren’t really reliable in times of need.

I love me now. I think I look great. I just dont think i’m in a place where I can withstand all the “you need to look…”s of the world. I wrote a poem about it. I got passed up for a lot of prettier girls. I was really– tired of it. Tired of being the girl the guy needed a wingman for. Tired of guys saying “Hey, who’s your friend??”

I’m so glad that I don’t need to worry about the lot of that anymore. The Singles scene. Blah. 😛

To sum this up. Scott thinks I’m great the way I am. I think I’m great the way I am. I want to fit into my wedding dress. So–

No more binging over arguments.

Derringer Meryl [And I’ve waited for him so long] Out

So many things buzzing through my brain…. lets start with where my brain is first.

I never thought I would have a Fiance. So looking back on my entries, I wrote them as if no one was reading but me. If you ever choose to go back in time and read my angsty highschool ramblings, keep that in mind. Not only if you’re Scott, but if you’re someone reading this. I didn’t expect people to read this… and it’s written as such.

Next, I was thinking about Strawberry Shampoo. I own strawberry shampoo, and I was considering how i came about to own it. While I know Scott loves Strawberries bunches and lots– that’s not when I got it originally. It was because of reading too many Buffy fan fictions. When you describe a scent of someone (Buffy in this case) you like to attribute it to a certain welcoming smell. (at least romantically) Buffy got a lot of Vanilla and Strawberry. So I chose those. I literally have Strawberry Shampoo and Vanilla shampoo in my shower because of Buffy. How oddly sad is that? Now, Normally I like the Vanilla better. I used to use it more often than not– But upon hearing Scott’s favor for Strawberry, I switched– just because. I wanted to see if he’d notice…. (He did, kinda. He didn’t mention it until I mentioned it. :)) I was thinking though– if Joss Whedon sat down with some fragrance people and created a scent and said “This is the scent that Spike can smell on Buffy. It’s what draws men to her. Sure, she has bad luck with men, but you could change that for yourself with this scent.” Yeah, probably not the best wording ever, but it’d sound a lot smoother coming from Joss himself.

Next– I do this thing. I don’t know if Scott Notices it– but almost every night after he drops me off I go and hop on my couch, kneeling so my chest is to the back of the couch– which consequently means you can see right outside through the little peep in the curtains. I watch him drive away. I don’t know why I do– I just do. *shrugs* I guess I should put a Mush warning on here. I don’t care. People should know by now that i’m just all sorts of gushie and what not.

I can’t think of the other things I wanted to say– *sighs* Blah. Oh well. I’m sure there are other odd intricacies of me that I’ll get around to exposing. None of them are embarrassing. … or at least I don’t think they are. Psh. Would I be putting them on here if they were?

The parents meeting went about as I had imagined. the snuggling level was prime. I still lost at the on going tickle war…. curse these tiny hands of mine. *sighs* I’m going to have some pretty nice bruises on my legs (on an unrelated note) I had a little girl sit on my lap today in primary, and she was a foot swinger… right into my leg, like fifty times in five minutes. So that’s gonna be nice. I’m going to have my little pretties burnt off my foot tomorrow. Good bye you little pieces of hell. (seriously hurts to walk or stand too long thanks to the little bits) It’s like my own personal hell on earth, and hopefully after a few treatments, I won’t have them anymore. 😀

This week is Spring Break (Huzzah!!!) so I’m gonna be bummin’ around my house, hobbling as llittle as possible. Maybe sending someone out to get me humorous new slippers (I have six pair at least… I love Slippers. What can I say?) Spending time with Scott– as much as possible if i have my way. I’ll also be calling up a few of my friends whom love me to bits and pieces (because I say so.) and see if they can help me out with the wedding stuff. (Piano player and florist) Of course not for free (psh, I wouldn’t for free!) but in a symbiotic “I help you you help me” Kind of way.

Did I mention I”m trying to grow my nails out again? I find that it helps when scratching Scott’s back, long nails are more effective. Go figure that one out. Also, I’ve been trying to quit biting them for a while now. If I can make it through this wedding planning without biting, then I can make it through anything. 🙂

Okay, I think I”m done for today– Unless something major happens between now and midnight.

Derringer Meryl [Being in Love is the greatest thing] Out