Undone

I hate school. I hate it SO MUCH! *pulls on her hair* I still don’t have my book back for (this is ironic) my stress management class. I loaned it to a friend (i almost said leant) and STILL do not have it back. I’m exhausted from worrying about this blasted Dead Poets Society paper that’s due on thursday (heh, also ironic) that is only worth 10 points. I have enough extra credit to not do it, and be fine.

I still did it all the same. I have a psychology paper that’s pretty much due on thursday too. i have no idea what to write it on. I thought about doing it on ADD, and I’m just– i just don’t want to do it. I’m totally resisting homework of all sorts and kinds.

Don’t get me wrong. I love learning. I could sit down and learn all day– just not in an institute of learning. heh. Once again with the irony. I hate teachers. They think they’re so great. Yeah, they should be respected, they did a lot to get where they are, I’m sure. I don’t think I need to spit polish their shoes because they graduated from college though. I hoped it would be better in college, but it seems to be worse. I think it’s some kind of power trip because they’re lording power over another person. that causes people to go a little nuts.

I think I’m also pretty grouchy because I haven’t seen Scott since Sunday. Suuuure, we spent all day together, and you think that’d tide me over for a while…. but…. no. I was reading a book today (I’ll spare you the title, since I’m sure if i told you, you’d revoke how much you wanted to know.) and i was sitting in my car before class reading it, and I just sorta freaked out. It was the first time I was really actually nervous about getting married. Just the whole shebang. And scared. It was odd. I admit, there is no where else I’d rather be than with Scott. No where. The idea of being with him forever is a welcome one. I love the idea. I love that we’re going to be together, forever. At the same time though, it’s a looming thought. I’m scared of all those other people I know who (most of them) just got married “until death do you part” and they’re not happy at all. I know Scott’ll never stop loving me. So i’m not sure where the freaky part is. I just sorta … I think it’s me. I’m scared of what i’ll be like. what if I become a naggy wife who won’t let him do the things he likes (ala video games and coding)? What if I go berserk and say something I don’t mean? What will I do when the happy fuzzy bunny feeling I have right now inevitably goes away? (as a note here: I could not be happier in my engagement to Scott. that’s what makes me wonder why i have all these stupid feelings. Since I met Scott, I have been so… wow. I don’t know any words for it. Euphoric? In anycase, I don’t know where this all comes from, but I know for a certainty that I love Scott and we are meant to get married to one another.)

I am a panic person. I have anxiety issues. I’m pretty proud of myself, I’ve nearly been off my medication for a year now. I’m going through a pretty stressful (but HAPPY!) period of my life, and i’m dealing well. I worry. I worry too much.

I was driving down a main street from school (SSC) and saw an advertisement for a play (musical/opera thing) that i’d really like to take Scott to. It’s one of my favorites. Absolutely. Basis of my entire sophmore year research paper. i don’t know if he’d like it, but I love the show (i’m not sure how good it’ll be, i’ve only seen it on film) and I’d like to go. I’ll have to look into ticket prices. *smirks*

Well– I’d better work on my Creative Writing homework. I hate doing it, but I have nothing else to do until Scott comes home. :-S

Derringer Meryl [Just a little tired] Out

I have some sort of luck of the irish with mondays or something.

Sunday was great, i got to spend all day with Scott, and we got to hang out iwth some of his friends, and it was just so much fun. I love being with him. We talked about some pretty heavy stuff, too. I’m so grateful that I have him in my life. I just don’t know what i’d do without him.

Back to the horribleness that is Monday. I got woke up this morning by my mom reporting to me once again that I shouldn’t keep Scott out so late. I agree. But it’s like time flies when I’m with him, and i honestly do not know what time it is. *sighs* My mom is right. I don’t want Scott to get sick, because with Diabetes you get REALLY sick, and I don’t want him to get into some sort of crazy car accident…

that would really not be good.

I got to class today, only to remember that i had a huge assignment due today, that I didn’t do because i lent the book to a friend. I have work all day today (after school) which means no Scott-goodness. Then after work i have to re-watch Dead Poets Society so I can take notes on it. Blah. Or I can just write another paper instead. I might do that. I also have a presentation in psychology due on thursday and a paper due by the end of the month.

:-S I do not enjoy college. I do not enjoy being in school. Busy work is of the devil.

and I miss Scott. I’ll be so happy when this semester is over and i can move down there into an apartment or whatever. I don’t really care.I just sorta want to shut the book on this whole school thing. I’d go to work full time and just be a grown up and everything.

I’m SO done with school right now.

Derringer Meryl [I’m not QUITTING persay…] Out

I was reading Ryoko’s new blog (I’m calling her that. She’s Antigone’s sister, Youngest sister) and she was commenting on kissing.

I highly recommend waiting. Very much. I learned that it sorta kills you a little inside to break up with someone you’ve kissed. i mean, I never did it, but I emotionally was torn up with not doing it, so i can’t imagine doing it and then breaking up.

It’d be very odd. Heart breaking.

Not that Scott was the first guy i kissed… well. Okay. He was the first guy *I* kissed, but not the first guy to kiss me. *thinks* that makes sense to me. Another guy sorta stole my first kiss from me. … and i’ve commented on that before, so i’ll just go back to the point. I love the fact that I waited. I think of kissing as a very intimate thing. I’m just that way, hand holding too. I’m just– I subscribe deeply to the “my body is a temple” way of thinking.

and the fact that I usually recoil from human touch, sorta goes with that too. *smiles*

I got my ring last night. It about Killed Scott as I was chatting away with the ring in hand, but I didn’t know it. It was on the stem of a rose *sigh* and Carebear and her sister were there for it, I was all gross in my after work clothes, and my hair hadn’t been done in days– but i felt like a princess.

Anyway– I’ll write more on it later. I should really be a better hostess than I am being. Laters

Derringer Meryl [I have a pretty ring] Out

Hello faithful readers. Sorry I’ve been so grouchy lately. It’s my forte. I bit my own father’s head off last night at dinner for trying to tickle me. I’m in some sort of auto defense mode. Don’t ask me. I’m tending to freak out at anything that says to me: “This could lead to Scott unhappiness” and attempt to avoid it.

if it helps the reader to know, i’m in a new kind of exquisite pain, that I would not wish on anyone, No not even Hitler. Mostly I consider the pain to be recompense for being so mean. Which Is why I usually try to keep myself in control…..

Anyway.

Yesterday, i woke up pretty early, Like I said i would, and got a shower so i could style my hair. All my make up is sitting un-used in my drawer. I don’t need it to feel pretty or normal anymore. I can look in the mirror now (most times) and think how Scott loves me the way I am. Other times I recoil in horror wondering when I got that zit… anyway. Scott got here at Eight-thirty, and we watched MST3000. I’ve seen the show before, but still, it was funny…. though I admit, I wasn’t paying much attention to the film. Then Scott and I went on a search for the elusive wedding cake topper. (dun dun dun!) We looked at other things I had seen that i thought might be good for the wedding too. I have to have Scott’s input, because If I planned this all, it’d be quite an adventure. I realize just now that I forgot to take him to see the lamps my mom wanted to get. *sighs* Oh well. Maybe tonight? We found a guest book we both liked, fits our style just great, and talked about the cake knife. Scott doesn’t want it to be awfully gaudy, which I can understand, and I agree, but I want it to look pretty too… so it’s gonna be a while I think. I could, for all intents and purposes, just pick it out myself, but honestly… it wouldn’t be much of a wedding if Scott wasn’t there, so — yeah. He gets input too.

We discussed the garter event. He was leery about it… and asked a few questions, to which i scrunched my nose up and rather told him he would not be taking it off with his teeth. There is no way. Also, there will be two garters, One for me to keep (I’m picking out a rather expensive one… especially considering it’s a one time use garter) and a cheaper one to toss.

after looking at three different stores we hadn’t found a Cake Topper we both liked, but Scott suggested we looked online, so we did later on, and found this one.

What especially had frustrated Scott and I when we were out looking was the fact that only blonde grooms could marry blonde brides. It was rather frustrating. :-S This one we found has matching colors to us (Blonde Groom, Brunette Bride) and it’s just plain cute. *smiles*

Between all the cake topper goodness, we watched another movie… I’m not sure i”m allowed to tell you…. Hm… Oh well, Scott did it for me, because I love him, and he loves me. I got Scott to watch Harry Potter. Unfortunately it was in the middle of when I usually take my nap (apparently) and I fell asleep. At the end Scott said it was what he expected, it was okay. *shrugs* Still, He watched it, and it makes me happy to know he’s willing to do new things for me. *thinks of what she needs to do that’s new* Well, I did try D&D for Scott. So– yeah. 🙂 I guess it balances out.

We had our home teacher over and he gave us a message (as per usual) and Scott and Dax made little jokes through out it. I was the only one to hear them, but it was still funny. Then we watched a little of the apprentice (wahoo, it was the only non-gross thing on.) and King of Queens. Had some dinner, where I bit my dad’s head off (as per I formerly mentioned) and then we watched some of Record of Lodoss War: Chronicals of the Heroic Knight. It’s not bad, not like i expected (and was told) it would be. Once again, I wasn’t paying much attention to the film. I was just so happy Scott got to spend the whole day with me. I love that. I wish I had every wednesday free from School. *kicks school* stupid School!

So that was my day, edited for those who begged that I leave all the kissy stuff out. (NAH! :P)

Oh and… Happy 500th entry to me!!! I rock a whole bunch and stuff. 😀

Derringer Meryl [Happy giddy Girl] Out

I’m tired of letting you live it up at my expense, I’m exhausted from wedding planning, and only rejuvenated by seeing Scott.

He appreciates me.

On to my day summary 😀

I went to school. I didn’t really want to, I had even considered skipping, but I went and I got to watch Chocolat (the first half) and found out that we’re watching Dead Poets Society in Psychology on Thursday.

Then I got to go out to Lunch with Scott. I beat him finishing lunch (wahoo) though I felt like a stuffed pig. Then we went to look at furniture together. We like similar things, so it’s really easy picking things out together. We found a couch set that we liked. I need to show him the table my mom is going to let us have (heirloom) and show him what’s underneath the oddly colored tablecloth. After that, we had another tickle fight at home. I don’t think I lost, it was just pay to play. 🙂 Which was alright by me. After that I had class, and he had work, so we both had to skedaddle in opposite directions, it was a short visit, but it tided us both over until tomorrow, when we get to spend all day together (I have no school, and he has no work) so he’s coming up early so we can hang out.

I’m sure I”ll be up at six getting ready. I’m all sweaty from the heat today, so I’m gonna get all pretty for scott tomorrow. He says i”m always pretty, but I feel better when at least my hair is styled.

Cheese I’m so lucky to have Scott. 🙂

Anyway, If i go to sleep, then I get to wake up and Scott’ll be here! Wahoo!

Derringer Meryl [All You need is Love] Out