Undone

here’s some more of that grey matter exploding fun–

It’s the Memorial day weekend, and despite how much we may sedate my father with SSRI’s he’s still a grumpy ass monkey. He has mood swings that make mine pale in comparison. He assumes (not unlike me) that every one knows exactly what is going on inside of his mind, that when he snaps his fingers and says “That one thing, you know?” we all completely understand him, but are just being rude jackasses.

I guess we learned it from him.

I don’t know why he irratates me so– Maybe it’s because he’s so lukewarm. Some days he’s my dad. MINE, you know, and I can be his little girl…. and other days I’m my mom’s. I remember so vividly from when I was little …. he got angry about something– and yelled at my mom that “One of her damn kids must have done it.” we were always the easy scapegoat. always.

and i’ve always wondered if it was better to have a lukewarm, mood swing dad, than no dad at all. Then I remember what Christ said (and trust me, he’s like Buddha and Ghandi in the way that most of his stuff made a WHOLE lotta sense) “Be ye hot, or be ye cold, but be not lukewarm lest I spit ye out of my mouth.” Err something like that. It boiled down to “Be bad, be good, be something, cause being in the middle, just pisses me off.”

I’m sure I condemned myself with that last line… eh.

I told my boss, the real flaky one who had like 4 kids from two different women, and only one of them while he was married to the mother. *shakes her head* I told him, that he had such potential to be a great dad. That I wanted him to be what my dad was never for me. Sure, my dad changed a lot for me, he went to school so he could raise me right—

But I don’t know. Some of the things he’s done. Like making me afraid of getting married, or dating– afraid of loving someone– I already know that I pick scummy guys. They seem nice and pretty on the surface, but that’s the cheap gold gilding they put on until I’m in too deep. Then it all flakes off and then– then i’m stuck with a crap load of bad memories, and an extreme skittish-ness.

I don’t walk on the bad side. In fact, I’m pretty sure I walk no where near it. I admire it from afar, where it still looks enticing, and say “Wow, bad side, That’s neat.” and keep going my merry way. I’m safe and secure, and so deeply entrenched in my shell that no one can even tell by the stupid mask I put on. I try my damnedest to keep true to how i’m feeling– but…. I wouldn’t be able to leave my house, walk through a crowd, or talk to anyone outside of my family (or my second family of co-workers). It’s hard– I hate being touched. I don’t even like to be touched by my own family. Not my dad, my siblings– my mom is about the limit. She’s always right. *sighs* I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t touch customers, I dont touch teachers, I dont’ like hugging my fetchin’ therapist. Amy, My mom, Carolyn…. and that’s about it. Notice very carefully that no guys fall into that VERY short list.

why? because despite how well i get along with guys, I think it happens to be a case of keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Don’t get me wrong– I love my guy friends, they’re all great, and while some of them have the tendency to piss me off to no end– *sighs* i don’t hate them, obviously, otherwise they wouldn’t be on my list of friends (duh) but guys are the enemy. I guess I’m still psychologically at the “boys have cooties” stage of life. and I hate that. Because trust me, I’ve fallen for a guy before. So my brain is going “Hey, You don’t like them, they’re bad, they do bad things your mind and your heart, and you in general. You shouldn’t be doing this.” and my heart just keeps screaming “You need the contact, you need to take a chance, you need to love, you need to move past that stage– It could be that man that can love you forever.”

and It hurts. Like i always have a conflict going on inside of me, driving me a little— no a lot, crazy. and so — i leave you with the thoughts (echoing mine in every possible way) of Matchbox 20 in their new song Unwell

All day staring at the ceiling

Making friends with shadows on my wall

All night hearing voices telling me

That I should get some sleep

Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on

Feeling like I’m headed for a breakdown

And I don’t know why

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell

I know right now you can’t tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see

A different side of me

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired

I know right now you don’t care

But soon enough you’re gonna think of me

And how I used to be…me

I’m talking to myself in public

Dodging glances on the train

And I know, I know they’ve all been talking about me

I can hear them whisper

And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me

Out of all the hours thinking

Somehow I’ve lost my mind

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell

I know right now you can’t tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see

A different side of me

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired

I know right now you don’t care

But soon enough you’re gonna think of me

And how I used to be

I’ve been talking in my sleep

Pretty soon they’ll come to get me

Yeah, they’re taking me away

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell

I know right now you can’t tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see

A different side of me

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired

I know right now you don’t care

But soon enough you’re gonna think of me

And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be

How I used to be

Well, I’m just a little unwell

How I used to be

How I used to be

I’m just a little unwell

Derringer Meryl [head exploding] out

Finally.

After days and days of waiting to put an entry in here… I finally get to place an entry, so I better make it a doozy.

Right then.

I finally got to watch the Episode of Buffy called Lies My Parents Told Me and I happened to love it! Just like I thought I would…. I finally found out the name of the song that triggers Spike… *sighs* I am so happy, and I am currently downloading every copy of it I can find (by various singers)

Early One morning

Early one morning,

Just as the sun was rising,

I heard a maid sing,

In the valley below.

O, don’t deceive me,

O, never leave me,

How could you use

A poor maiden so?

Remember the vows,

That you made to your Mary,

Remember the bower,

Where you vowed to be true,

O, don’t deceive me,

O, never leave me,

How could you use

A poor maiden so?

Thus sang the poor maiden,

Her sorrows bewailing,

Thus sang the poor maid,

In the valley below.

O, don’t deceive me,

O, never leave me,

How could you use

A poor maiden so?

I LOVE it. Just because … because it’s useless trivia, and …. It sounds nice.

It’s haunting. Really. I think you’d have to hear it yourself to understand quite what i mean…

What else is really exciting?

Hm– Well despite my best intentions– I have done NO homework all weekend. Besides the fact that i’m fairly sure that Microsoft is the devil. I can’t even properly down– uhh… throw down.. their …. programs… right.

No– I feel that Microsoft charges TOO much for their HELL SPAWN (other wise known as Software), I mean $100 for a program like power point? What are my possibilities here? Um….

1- Do my work at school, where the computers suck and the mice are screwed up, and I can’t get on the internet, because half of the websites I go to that AREN’T porn come up saying they are. I mean c’mon. I’m not even allowed to do a fetching Google search.

2-Buy the software. Swallow my pride, chuck my money down the drain, because this one MASSIVE project is the only time I’m going to use it.

3- Pirate it. Simple, quick, free, and Microsoft will never taste any of my sweet sweet virgin money. Down with Microsoft!!

I know. I’m evil. I”m pretty sure I”m supporting communism… but you wanna know what? Bill Gates is making a good deal off of my school. I”m just going to pirate it for two weeks, then it’s delete-issamo. I don’t want it on my computer for ever!

Raspberries.

Flame me with Pirate-hate.

Arg

Derringer Meryl [Oh How could you use a poor microsoft so] Out

I fell in love with this song, even though it’s country (ish) sounding. But– Well.

I’m a complex person. I like someone and at the same time, I feel a hate and contempt towards them that cannot even been described with words– and it’s not even possible to understand, because there is no apparent reason for the hate.

Well thanks Sheryl Crow, and Kid Rock–

Livin’ my life in a slow hell

Different girl every night at the hotel

I aint seen the sun shine in 3 damn days

Been fuelin’ up on cocaine and whisky

Wish I had a good girl to miss me

Lord I wonder if I’ll ever change my ways

I put your picture away

Sat down and cried the day

I can’t look at you while I’m lyin’ next to her

I put your picture away, sat down and cried today

I can’t look at you while I’m lyin’ next to her

I called you lastnight in the hotel

Everyone knows but they wont tell

But their half hearted smiles tell me

Somethin’ just ain’t right

I been waitin’ on you for a long time

Fuelin’ up on heartaches and cheap wine

I ain’t heard from you in 3 damn nights

I put your picture away

I wonder where you been

I can’t look at you while I’m lyin’ next to him

I put your picture away

I wonder where you been

I can’t look at you while I’m lyin’ next to him

I saw ya yesterday with an old friend

It was the same ole same “how have you been”

Since you been gone my worlds been dark & grey

You reminded me of brighter days

I hoped you were comin’ home to stay

I was head of the church

I was off to drink you away

I thought about you for a long time

Can’t seem to get you off my mind

I can’t nderstand why we’re living life this way

I found your picture today

I swear I’ll change my ways

I just called to say I want you to come back home

I found your picture today

I swear I’ll change my ways

I just called to say I want you to come back home

I just called to say, I love you come back home

How many pictures have I put away?

Too many– I’m sure. I do not plan to find them again.

Derringer Meryl [I stumble over my words like] Out

This is just a quickie- I heard this song by Blessid Union of Souls and I thought i’d share it with you.

I want to be like this for a guy, and I want my guy to be like this! 🙂 Confusing, ne?

She don’t care about my car

She don’t care about my money

And that’s real good because I don’t got alot to spend

But if I did it wouldn’t mean nothin’

She likes me for me

Not because I look like Tyson Beckford

With the charm of Robert Redford

Oozing out my ears

But what she sees

Are my faults and indecisions

My insecure conditions

And the tears upon the pillow that I shed

She don’t care about my big screen

Or my collection of DVD’s

Things like that just never mattered much to her

Plus she don’t watch to much t.v.

And she don’t care that I can fly her

To places she ain’t never been

But if she really wants to go

I think deep down she knows that

All she has to say is when

She likes me for me

Not because I hang with Leonardo

Or that guy who played in “Fargo”

I think his name is Steve

She’s the one for me

And I just can’t live without her

My arms belong around her

And I’m so glad I found her once again

And I’m so glad I found her once again

And I’m so glad I found her once again

Gazing at the ceiling

as we entertain our feelings in the dark

The things that we’re afraid of are gonna show us

what we’re made of in the end

She likes me for me

Not because I sing like Pavarotti

Or because I am such a hottie

I like her for her

Not because she’s phat like Cindy Crawford

She has got so much to offer

Why does she waste all her time with me

There must be something there that I don’t see

She likes me for me

Not because I talk like Dirty Harry

Make her laugh just like Jim Carrey

Unlike the Cable Guy

But what she sees

Is that I can’t live without her

My arms belong around her

And I’m so glad I found her once again

Found her once again

I’m so glad I found her once again

Once again

Derringer Meryl [He likes me for me] Out

Maybe you’ve noticed how I linger by the door

Looking for ways to hang around

I never felt my moment ever show itself before

But I’ve got to speak or lose you now

Chorus:

This is my confession

I bare my soul to you

This is my confession

The one thing I can do

How will I ever make you mine

If you don’t know that I’m alive

I confess to you

My love for you

He’ll never say the words I’ve rehearsed a million times

Or stop your tears before they fall

He’ll never even try to put his thoughts of you in rhymes

His heart is barely there at all

Repeat chorus

I have always believed somehow

I’d be standing right here before you now

Hoping the last breath I take

I take in your arms

Repeat chorus