Undone

The smart ass who came up with the idea “Put on a Happy Face” obviously didn’t know the disaster he was making for his future generations. Jerk off.

I mean, sure, sometimes life seems crappy and putting on a happy face can make it better– i admit that– but the whole idea that it makes the problem better for some damn reason, pisses me off to no end.

Lets run with this idea. (Quickly mash in the idea that you don’t have to pretend around family) So you smile and wave with the best of em, seriously, you make Britain’s royal family proud with the way you ignore the under-lying problems you have. So you smile and wave, talk small talk until you feel like your lips are going to fall off. You get home, and all of the sudden, you dont’ have to cover up the problems, and you’re angry and mad and just grouchy all around.

that’s me. I hate being the smile-y queen when i go out. I guess that makes me the princess di of the group here at home. I don’t like to smile when i’m angry, and I hate to be in public when i’m angry. I dont’ like to be put on parade so some self serving person who is using me for their good deed for the day can ask me “if I’m okay” or someone can give the excellent advice of “Smile, it’s never that bad.” It’s stupid. I mean, how do they know it’s not that bad?

I mean for the first time in my life i admitted to myself last night that i don’t consider myself a person, so much as a tool for other people to use. It was a new low…. even for me.

*grumbles* and i’d like to admit to you the one place i’ve found where all the noise in my head stops– but it sounds a little — well obsessive and just plain crazy–

maybe some other time.

Derringer Meryl [Use me and abuse me] Out