Undone

A friend posted a really good youtube video (i’ll nab it for y’all) about Bullying, and how it effects us all … always.

I started posting this in reply to him, but decided it may do better here:

The thing of it is, You can’t protect your kids from everything. It’s just another lesson to learn, that some people out there are COMPLETE jerkwads. I don’t think you shouldn’t TRY to do something, but eventually you have to learn a coping mechanism for dealing with unpleasant people.

I don’t know why kids are cruel. I think some of it may just be ignorance… at least with younger children (like with Katie) I don’t think people are being mean to her, just to be mean. LIKE THE JERK KID WHO TOLD HER SANTA WASN’T REAL. *sighs* Everyone is just stumbling through life hoping (at least on some level) they’re not screwing it up. There are probably things I did that scarred other people. There was a kid in junior high (DQ can vouch for this) that I stared at, just because I delighted in his reaction. I don’t know if it was a joke for him (i hope so) but it was for me. Hindsight I guess? It was all just a game to me, and I’ve probably given someone horrible baggage for my own entertainment.

Kids (older and younger) in elementary called me chia pet because of an unfortunate haircut i got. I have spent a good portion of my life hating my hair. I still wear it up … ALL the time, because of my loathing for it. I hate spending ANY time on it at all. To me it seems like a waste because I’ll always just hate it. There are other things I dislike about myself that I make into a joke (like my really light eyebrows… and how I lost my eyebrows saving a cat from a burning building) At some point in High school I finally was just like “screw you all Imma gonna do what I want.” and I decided to feel sad when I wanted, and when my horrible ex boyfriend who was verbally abusive to me and called me fat when I was five-seven and 130 lbs got dumped by his next girlfriend I did, quite literally LAUGH in his face. Not many people get the chance to do that, so who was I to squander that?

I appreciate that I was able to spend a lot of time to myself, to figure out that it was OK to let my freak flag fly. Also to tell my parents, who were and are amazingly supportive, about my depressive tendencies. I had a mom who would call my friends and invite them over to wake me out of my depressive comas, and awesome friends who would just cruise in my minivan. I had supportive people, I had people who told me the truth, even when it was rough. I had people walk out, and never look back. I’ve got new friends, I’ve got old friends. I still sometimes have the lingering feeling of being alone in a crowded room. The overwhelming fear that when I open my mouth that everyone will laugh at me.

I want to protect my kids from my neurosis and make sure they develop as few of their own as possible… It occurred to me in the car that despite having lived a very a-typical life I am a very typical person. Everyone has baggage, everyone can recall that jerk kid who was mean to them when they were little, everyone can think back and find a dark memory. They are NOT all the same, but there is a nugget of commiseration there. No one has had a perfect life. No one had a mom sitting with cookies and milk waiting for them to come home every day they had a bad day, warm and fresh from the oven. Some parents yell, some kids do bad things. It’s ok that it’s not perfect. Imperfect is a-ok.

I’m a good person, My hair is a little crazy and for some reason I have really light eyebrows. I’m overweight, and I am beautiful. I have two amazing girls, who are smart, kind, and beautiful. I cannot protect them from the harshness of the world. I will hold their hand. I will let them cry on my shoulder. I will give them advice. I will be there for them. I will do what I can, when I can. I will teach them to love the people who hurt them, and forgive them. I have a choice, as does every person, when something bad happens. I can choose anger and pain, or I can choose to let that go and love them anyway.

I want to teach my kids to love those that would hurt them.

Derringer Meryl [All you need is love] Out