Undone

this one happens to be sewing, and being a girly girl. Who likes sewing and quilting and embroidery and such.

For the first time in a while I want to do things. I did finish Audrey’s quilt last year, but that was due to obligation to get it done BEFORE Christmas. I felt like I had to. Now I want to do something for me.

DQ is getting married (AWWWWW) and She’s not really having a line or anything, and I want to wear something nice. Something that I have wanted for a while (ok, since Jr High when I grew out of my last one) A full skirt. In fact, I would say a full skirt that looks like this:

Sorry to the lady I ganked that off of on Etsy. I’d download it myself… but lazy. Anyway. It’s just so feminine. I miss feeling like that. Usually when you’re a mom, you forget things like taking time for yourself. Being that I didn’t do it that much before I figured I would be all set. INSTEAD I find myself upset and resenting that I didn’t take the opportunity. WHY DIDN”T I?? Oh well. No use being upset over what’s in the past right? I try to take time for myself now though, Because… let’s face it, if Momma aint happy, no one is happy.

I have thought again and again about writing more. I just cannot seem to do it.  I mentioned my old stuff (poems mostly) from when I was in college and high school. I just look at them and think “Gosh these were good” and some of them are. Some are ridiculous. Some I love so much that they move me to tears. not because they are poignant and are sure to be a classic someday after I die… more like… “yeah I still feel like that” kind of thing. One was a prompted poem, about who I am. About how I don’t define who i am, everyone around me defines who I am. Someday everyone will step back and notice me, for who I am, and realize they have had a hand in shaping me. My personality, my life….. I dont’ make my own choices. I dont’ live this life for myself. Not to sound morbid or anything, but I am not here for me. who am I? To think that anything is about me? it’s not. Nothing is. How silly of me to think so, so i don’t. Maybe I have lost some sort of sense of self. My spirit has been Broken? Possibly. I dont’ really feel like I should fight for anything. it’s kind of like the wind has been knocked out of me at this point. I would say– I am here for you, not for myself.

Blah enough downer talk. I wish I could convey it with out being all debbie downer.

Anyway. I want to make a skirt, like that. In a beautiful silk shantung. gorgeous…. In orange. Not like safety cone orange. Like a firey color. and then find some sort of corsety top to go on top. Maybe in a cream? fabulous. yes. i’m a fan.

I love wearing skirts….

Derringer Meryl [skirty girl] Out