Undone

After thinking about it, and thinking about myself…

I decided Audrey will have her own blessing dress. LOL Like anyone besides me cares LOL.

I’ve been poking around trying to find a nice and inexpensive one. And instead happened upon a nice and inexpensive Cedar chest that I fell in love with. Crazy, right? I’m like that. That’s how I roll.

I want to get a few pieces of furniture I’ve been pining for before Scott and I have our baby. Mostly this includes a curio and a cedar chest. (though secretly I’d love a freezer too, but it’s not really furniture, now is it?) I found a beautiful Curio on KSL yesterday too. If I were the richest woman in the world I’d pay someone (haha) to call about these things for me, because I want them, but I am afraid of talking to people on the phone. Which is weird considering my line of work. I prefer to chat. IE, discuss via instant message, or even talk in person. My preferred method of communication is chat and emoticons though. I’m just like that.

I’m also thinking (DUN DUN DUN) that after I have this baby I  might go on some anti anxiety meds. I’m not sure. This is a new thought. I hate taking medication– but I don’t want to inhibit my kids with my irrational fears of talking on the phone, being at other people’s homes, my social awkwardness…. etc etc. I do my best to be friendly, but I am not an outgoing person. I hope people realize I’m shy, and not a jerk. I find that I do my best with oddly gregarious people. When I think about it, I am usually happiest with those types of people. My father is very chatty with strangers (he’s just like that) Carebear is oddly friendly and was my best friend for many years and is now my SIL, and Drama Queen (despite being very anxiety ridden like me) is VERY gregarious! I try to be friendly and polite, I tend to think about it afterwards. At least I’m getting better at not beating myself up about it.

Scott and I have been making some decisions lately that we hope will lead to me being at home more (hopefully next year) not permanently home, I’d still need to work, but … I realized (while discussing with Sukie, who I would also say is a very thoughtful person, she’s very good at reaching out to people.) that I hold onto working very tightly because I use it as some sort of smoke screen for being, what I consider, a poor mother and wife.  Now before you all zoom to the comment button and say “OH NOES you are a fabulous person and sweet and kind and” … well you get the idea. 😉 I’d just like to say that I’m a very harsh critic of myself. When i went to the hospital a few weeks ago, I was VERY upset with myself for missing work and letting my co-workers down and not getting housework done (which I am STILL recovering from that) and I had to remind myself EVERY time I started getting worked up that I was actually legitimately SICK. I needed to be under hospitalization for dehydration (I am BAD with being hydrated) and that I couldn’t work myself TOO hard while I was recovering because it would just cause me to miss more work and be out of it more. Back to the topic of me using work as an excuse, I use it to not have dinner cooked, and not clean the house. I never see Katie but from 7:10 till bed time, and usually it ends up in a fight that makes me a bit resentful that I’m putting her to bed, which while I’m angry that she’s being a jerk about bed, I feel awful I’m not there for her more. Work for me is a selfish thing that I keep because it makes me make sense. (Which I would say is not the case for all working mothers, everyone has a different reason to work. Mine is a pathetic one.) I use my not being around so much as the reason I get upset with Katie and lose my patience. That If I were home more I’d be more used to her. Where I know somewhere in the back of my mind that it’s not true– I know I’d still lose patience with her, I just wouldn’t have the “excuse” any more. All moms get frustrated. And if there is a woman out there who doesn’t… Well bless her soul, she’s perfect.

I am looking forward to my 6 week postpartum vacation. I am hoping I can get the house in some sort of clean way before I go into labor/have my c-section (which ever comes first) that way people who visit or people who come to help (please come and help! Stairs are not my friend) won’t have to deal with my mess of a house. Things I’d like to have done BEFORE that time (yes I realize that it’s march and I have four months, but really, the house being cleaned is a FULL Time Job…. and I only have part time to do it in):

• Boxes in Dining room/Clutter in dining room put away, tossed, or Sent to DI (whatever is appropriate for said item.
• clean out clutter in bedrooms
• De-clutter laundry room, figure out some sort of organization to work for the four of us living there LOL 🙂
• Unpack boxes in the garage
• find Katie’s old clothes, wash them, and put them in new chest of drawers for Audrey
• get chest of drawers for Audrey
• Find a place for sewing stuff, pref UP from Katie.
• Freeze some pre-made dinners for us for after the baby. Take out or ramen noodles… i can’t live on that like I did last time LOL.
• OK this isn’t house work, but it’s one of Scott’s MAIN duties… Find stuff for me to watch while I nurse at all hours of the night 😉

I’m sure I can think of more when I’m at home. I need to get Katie’s 2 year pictures taken, and I am planning on a VERY small family party this year for her. Mostly her day will be us going fun Katie places, doing fun Katie things, and probably Cake, Ice Cream and Pizza at the end. I’m thinking maybe a Nemo Cake this year? I suggested Lightening McQueen and Scott objected saying he wants a girly girl. I say she’s 2, who cares? LOL.

Anyway. Maybe I can find some cute fishy cakes to make? I don’t want to be completely lazy for her birthday 🙂

Derringer Meryl [yeah I guess, whatever] Out