Undone

I keep thinking about recent events in my life, I will say this month (now it’s almost over) has really been one of the worst ever for me. Which considering good and happy things happened this month, makes it sad really. I’m quite happy that Pepper was born this month. Little pepper, and her cuteness. 🙂

People, in general, think they are special. This isn’t true, not really. I mean you’re unique, but even that uniqueness is not that unique since everyone else is unique too. But just because you’re unique doesn’t mean things won’t still happen to you in the same patented way they do to everyone else. I guess I’m saying, you’re not the exception, you’re the rule. Somehow people (and i include myself here) think “Sure, that’s how it was for someone else, but i”m going to be able to do this, and nothing bad will happen.” They stare the universe in the face and say “I’m going to do what I want, and this will be the outcome.” Which is funny. We think we get to chose what happens when we jump off a cliff, you’re not going to walk safely down like there are stairs, you’re going to fall dummy.

And some people stand on the edge of a cliff, knowing if they step out, that they will fall, and they will crash, and there will be pain… but they want to feel the fall. For some sort of rush… It can’t be explained. People think, that they can walk the line, walk a tight rope, and not fall to their deaths. And sure there are people who can. Most people are not those people.

this month, I learned (yet again) to not stare the universe in the face and tell it what to do. It won’t listen, and you’ll end up being taught that in a painful way. You can only choose your consequences by choosing your actions.
Derringer Meryl [I keep my eyes wide open all the time] Out

here again.

Sorry these titles just pop into my head as i start blogging.

Life has been hectic. Amazing and horrible.  Mostly the second one, but as of yesterday (being friday, not Saturday) I have started to feel a lot better. I don’t think it’s my medication, I think I have just… let go. I have a hard time remembering to not take on more than I should. That no one (but myself usually) expects me to be perfect and to do all these amazing/wonderful things and … I over extend myself a lot, which causes problems in any situation.
I would say “don’t worry about me” but that is a stupid thing to say. So i guess something better to say is, Thank you for worrying about me. I appreciate it. I realize that I’m very dramatic, and it’s hard for me to simply say the things I need to, but… I am trying to be a happier person, and to find some peace within myself. I also plan on going to the doctor in the next few weeks to discuss my medication. The side effects and it’s lack of improvement in me, is enough for me to want to kick it to the curb and get back to Zoloft. I’m not nursing anymore, so why not? At least I’ll be on something that works again!

Since church is at 9 am, I should probably sleep (Audrey too, she’s Scooting now, and has scooted herself from the main part of our basement over to where our computer is. Little butt scooter. She’s a dear heart.

I love that she has the name she does. it just seems like such an optimistic name for such a happy light hearted girl.

Derringer Meryl [scooting] out

That I started depression medication? Maybe I did. LOL One of the side effects of the med is that you can’t remember fact from fiction. It’s quite annoying. there are things in the past few months that I can’t remember if I really did them or not, or if I just through I did it. It’s … FRUSTRATING. I dont’ like the medicine too much, I don’t really feel like it’s helping. I just need to find the time to go to my doctor and get adjusted, or just get a new medicine. Since I feel pretty much the same as I did before if not worse.

depression is the damndest thing. Nothing interests me much anymore. I look back over my hobbies and think “ugh. I don’t wanna” and I also think “I only was doing that for someone else”

I’ve come to realize that I’m the kind of person that lives her life for other people. Quite frankly I would have been done with this Popsicle stand a long time ago if not for 1) the fact that killing yourself is wrong and 2) people don’t want me to. I do still have times where I forget (sorry for being morbid here people) that people don’t want me to. That people would be sad. That’s the dementia that comes along with depression. You can’t understand or see anything clearly. It’s like looking at the world from really strong prescription glasses(when you have no need for the prescription) Nothing seems to make sense. I am sorry if I’m a bring me down here. I like to speak frankly and honestly about my depression. It weighs on me, and i prefer not to be silent. I have had a hard time this time. Most people probably don’t know that this bout has been nearly 2 years for me. It’s been bad. it has been hard for me to be away from my kids, and when I am with them, I can only think “oh I’ll have to leave again tomorrow” (for work) and sometimes I think they’d be better off without me. I know it’s not true, but… Once again, delusional.

I miss going to the theatre. I am watching the Scarlet Pimpernel on the TV currently and I am looking forward to 110 in the shade and The Scarlet Pimpernel coming to Hale Center Theatre down here. I have never seen 110 in the shade before, but I want to, very much. I have only seen the TV movie of The Scarlet Pimpernel, not the musical, but I look forward to it. 😉 Sink me!

Sir Ian McKellen, you were a handsome Youngman!! 😉

Katie scratched her eye today with my old sunglasses. I feel bad. I was looking at fabric and she was rifling through my purse, and she has been crying ever since. She did get a new pony and some candy out of it. But she’s been a very good girl today, considering that I was not up to being a very active mommy.

Did I mention that Audrey said her first word? YES!  the first weekend of April, she said Mama. I have witnesses. Ok, one witness, but it was my dad, so there you go. The next weekend she said “Dada” so I am quite pleased. No random object realization for her, it’s Mom and dad! 🙂 She is full on Scooting now. which is adorable. And a little annoying, We’d prefer her to crawl, but I doubt if it should happen at this point.

Derringer Meryl [Sweet Thang] Out

And I’ll blog about God if I want to.

I tend to hesitate on this point, simply because I don’t like to stir controversy. But I have been in a dark place, and I feel like, my silence has been resonating in me. I didn’t feel like doing anything. AT ALL. Seriously. I kept thinking why wouldn’t this hole inside of me fill up. I kept putting things there, Finding a new way to put things there, like pounding a circle peg into a triangular hole. I just needed something. Thusly, I have gained back all of my weight lost (sad) from trying to shove food into an abyss in my soul that, frankly, food cannot fill. (Even if it is/was really yummy) I kept thinking (yes, here I go) that people always say they turn to God to help them with their burdens, help them ease their pain. and I felt angry. And stupid. Like “What am I doing wrong? I’ve been asking!! Why won’t he help me?”

And quite frankly, I don’t have an answer for that. Maybe I wasn’t humble enough. Maybe i needed to fall to a certain point so that i wouldn’t just keep doing what i was doing while he was helping me. i’m pretty damn sure God doesn’t endorse the whole “have your cake and eat it too” BS that a lot of people seem to think they can have.

anyway. if this is cryptic to you, don’t mind it. i have been depressed. it makes me increasingly cryptic.

so. finally tonight, after getting some really good advice (and sometimes it seems like the best advice you’ve heard like 30 times, but this time you’re actually listening) i sat down with Scott, and … really prayed. I hadn’t done that in a while. it’s bad, i know. But if this is news to you that i’m not perfect… well you probably should pay more attention to where you’re at. i’m not perfect, and guess what? THE EARTH IS ROUND!! HOLY CRAP!

Anyway. onward and upward. i am very happy right now. it’s not a crazy giddy happy. it’s a peaceful beautiful happy. it’s knowing that my family loves me. it’s knowing that my newest niece is at home resting in her crib, or at the very least at home with her family, where she belongs. it’s knowing that when i am down, there are people there who want to lift me up if i will let them. it’s knowing that when i come home there will be squeals and giggles and probably be stupid chores too– but it’ll be in my house, with my kids and my husband. i hope i never forget how lucky i am to have such a blessed life. i have a good steady job, with benefits. i have a great boss, who understands me, and listens to me. i have friends at work, who care about my well-being. i have SO much.

mostly… i have scott. who (like myself) isn’t perfect, but he is smart, and he is sweet in his own way (sometimes subtle). He works hard to take care of me, and our girls. he loves me the way i am. he forgives me my shortcomings (and insanity) and always remembers important dates. 🙂

i love my life

Derringer Meryl [you would too if it happened to you] out