Undone

back in the day… I was miserable a lot. I would let the way I feel eat at me a lot. I’m sitting here listening to Christmas music, at what is usually my favorite time of year– feeling like a horrible human. Trying my best to accept life the way it is, instead of the way I wish it was.

I don’t think it’s been much of a secret that this baby was a surprise. I have been wallowing in wishing that it wasn’t so…. and in all my wishing it wasn’t that way, feeling horrible for it. I’m a planner, and I don’t like it when plans go awry. I have been trying to suppress my wishing it wasn’t so, and my horrible feelings for it. I keep telling myself that I’m a selfish person, because for all of my wishing and wanting, I know at least 10 women who would love to have a surprise like this. Surprise Surprise Surprise. I feel weird when people ask me how I’m feeling, I don’t know what to say, or how to say it. I’ve actually, to be frank, been quite well this pregnancy. At the same time it’s been miserable. My sciatic pain is kicking in and every complaint or ache and pain makes me feel guilty.  Maybe that’s why my blood pressure is so high? Could depression do it?

Despite my aches and pains through my pregnancy with Katie, i was on the whole very happy and excited. I was caught unaware, and upset this time. My 3 hours a day with katie have been sliced in half at the prospect of a sibling. I feel horrible.  I feel guilty. I am not even 12 weeks pregnant and I’m ready to be done.

Derringer Meryl [tired] Out

So during the writers strike, my fav director Joss Whedon, got together with some actors, and wrote/composed a musical that is about 45 minutes long. It’s called Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog. Katie loves it. Katie and I have seen it so many times Scott hates when we watch it. I love watching her watch it. I wish it were a bit more child appropriate, but hey, I was happy for anything in the writer’s strike.

I’m going to discuss it in length. if you haven’t seen it, hit up hulu or click here. If you’d like to not be spoiled… well you should have stopped reading a while back, right?? Also you might think that the discussion of web produced mini series (a mini mini series…) is silly, retarded, or a waste of time…. I also invite these people to leave. Just pretend I haven’t written anything at all. And go play on digg for a couple of hours, you’ll feel better about yourself, and a bit worse about the future.

Scott says the ending to it is a cop-out ending. I say that after seeing a ton of batman cartoons and X-Men cartoons, I would say that evil guys get really evil after they have lost all hope.  Sure people are bad when they want to be, but when you have lost all of your hope– that seems to be (IMO) when people are their most dastardly. That’s why (GASP, SPOILER) It’s not Captain Hammer who dies (though i find interesting that he remains alive, but in a incapacitated state. It’s not like he’s in a coma either. He’s just weak. It’s like Billy/Dr. Horrible just made his Physicality match his his personality. His body now matches his soul… well not completely– he’s not ugly and small. But then again, who wants to see nathan fillion like that? not me that’s for dang sure.  But you will see, if you watch Dr. Horrible’s Sing a long Blog 2 million times like I have, that Penny is Hope. it’s fairly obvious in the second act during her duet that she is a light of hope to Billy (as seen later as well in the laundry Mat when she tells him “keep your head up Billy buddy”) as well as to others, she is the light in the universe that Whedon has created. What happens when you take out the light? Heros are weak, hope is gone, people who may have been teetering on the edge of goodness… lose faith. What Dr. Horrible/ Billy has missed is the Key that Penny gave him before dying. “Even in the Darkness/Every Color Can be found.” Even when she’s gone, hope isn’t lost, there is no reason to do what he does… but he’s gone over the edge.  Penny’s song in the Laundry Mat is all about how you can choose hope and light when crappy things happen to you.

So. You might be thinking at this point that this is WHY people have been saying (Mostly my husband) this show sucks!! I say that you need to examine the villianous tale a bit closer. Usually villian stories go a bit like this…. 1- Guy/Gal really wants something. Usually the improvement of some part of society. 2- Guy/Gal becomes very focused on this goal shutting out all else, loved ones, usually not leaving lab or office, really nose to the grindstone thing, not realizing they are hurting others by their singlemindedness. 3- Tragically loved one dies, is suspended in a living state but in a very particular way, irreperably damaged. 4- Guy/Gal realized they’ve screwed up BUT instead of making it better, they make it someone elses fault.

I have seen a lot of super hero’s and villian tales. I know. This is how it goes. What is so different about this, and why I like the ending is– Billy at the end confesses to his blog, that he won’t feel anything. In a sad way. He doesn’t feel happy at his accomplishment. His world is incomplete without Penny. There is no reason to succeed as a villian any longer, as there is no Penny to impress or woo. The point is mute. Instead of being angry at Capt. Hammer, or society for what has happened– Billy/Dr. Horrible correctly places blame. Penny is dead, because of him.

That is why I like Dr. Horrible’s Sing a Long Blog.

Derringer Meryl [Bed time] Out

Whoo. Go there, and guess my friends.

I don’t know what’s up with me and vomiting, we were on friendly terms, a gag here and there, but yesterday it was like I saved up all my morning sickness for one day and just had a puke fest. WHOO. Am I glad that’s over. Scott was super supportive, and Katie did as best as she could being 19 months and all. She didn’t understand why mommy didn’t want to cuddle and hug and hold her. I felt miserable. Scott got me crackers and made me toast and got me some sprite. I appreciated it. At 4 am (what started the puke fest IMO) was Katie puking from having TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE. She’s not unlike her mom who (upon eating too many sweets) pukes her guts out. so i had to toss her in the bath after removing two puke soaked layers I had to wash her hair (puke in it) luckily Scott came home on his break to save me and help me clean up puke! My amazing sweet awesome husband of mine– Not to mention he’s been super sweet about all the snow that’s been gently floating down. If only the ice was as nice about me falling to the ground… which I haven’t done yet.

I’ve told most everyone, but my dr’s appointment on monday went mildly well. My doctor was glad my BP went down a little, but apparently it wasn’t enough as he’s now ordering me to pee in a jar. Yay, urine collection! I’m not too thrilled about it as my time… well there isn’t a ton of it and lugging a jar of pee around for 24 hours isn’t something I relish.  Also, you have to keep it cool. That is to say, keep the pee in your fridge. UGH. Not to mention this weekend is the best weekend to do it as I only have two parties (i know, right? That’s the “best” weekend??) and they are mostly home parties. I figure if I go to party A (with my family in SLC) and just not pee the entire time… and then the other party is all around in the valley, so I should be good if i need to pee, I’ll just hold it until I get home, or I’ll be at home 🙂 Plus I’m not a huge drinker of drinks (non alcoholic of course) so I don’t usually need to pee often.

UGH. SO if I leave parties early, or if I seem awfully grouchy this weekend. Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

The other half is extreme violence.
Derringer Meryl [Battle] out

Now, you might be saying “Isn’t it kind of dumb to rant about work on a server your work place owns?” and the correct answer would be yest, in most cases.  However I’m not bitching about my employer, so much as some of the employees.

I work in a fairly small office. 2 bosses, 7 underlings (including me) not huge. and we all pretty much understand the rules of an office so small. You don’t step on toes, and you try to respect everyone and not leave anyone high and dry.

This year (2008) has been the year of “Screw you guys, I’m going on vacation” Now, there have been some legitimate cases of Vacation and sickness and what not, but it seems to me that when 4 people have a day requested off (in an office of 7) one more person shouldn’t jump on the boat. Well they do, and it’s really starting to PISS me off. My job isn’t hard, it isn’t challenging. it’s nice and simple. I LOVE my job. I just think there should be some solidarity among co-workers. A kind of “no man left behind” thing. I don’t know. I have spent my fair share of nights working alone on the 5-7 time period. it’s not HARD to do the job alone, it’s just ANNOYING to do it alone.

And it would be nice that if I’m the one left holding the bag because I’m dependible and stuff, that I could maybe take a day off or two by myself and not feel guilty. Maybe I would stop feeling so guilty about it if I weren’t so mad when other people took time off. RANDOM “LA-DI-DA” time off.  like “I don’t have a care in the world about any of my co-workers and the fact that they’ve covered my ass time and again when I have needed time off, or just damn well taken it.”

I’m not a selfish person, ladies and gentlemen, but it occurs to me, around this time of year, that the number of people who have my back over their own is startlingly low. I am a loyal diehard person.

Sometimes it would be nice if someone were looking out for me — instead of themselves…. since I apparently have too much guilt to look out for myself.

Derringer Meryl [Guilty as Charged] Out

It deserves to go right here, instead of on the christmas post….

Gentle folk, that is a BATH cupcake. What is a bath cupcake??

Each cupcake is handcrafted in the USA, using the highest quality ingredients to ensure a tranquil, blissful experience. Once you begin filling your tub, simply place the bubble bath cupcake under the running water. Let the sweet aroma melt all your cares away as the long-lasting bubbles hydrate your skin.

YUM! I want all three of these, the pictured one is Birthday cake, however there is also creamy vanilla and cotton candy at your local Bath and Body works. YUM YUM YUM.

Ok– back to your daily life.

Derringer Meryl [visions of cupcakes danced in my head] Out