Undone

All sorts of icky acidy goodness filling my stomach.

I’m tired of my job. I mean, I love my job. I’m tired of never working. I haven’t worked since the third of April. That’s sixteen days, and only three of those days I’m unable to work. Okay, Five, if you count tuesdays.

ALL THE SAME. I have a paycheck i’m getting now that is going to be nothing. as in NO money. I feel like pulling my hair out. I hate not working. I hate not having a job, i feel useless and like I’m a mooch. No one ever says it to me, but I do. I feel like a mooch and I”m feeding off of other people. Especially Scott. I feel like I’m really coasting off of his paycheck, and i know it puts a lot of stress on him. Or at least I feel like I put a lot of stress on him. I’m exhausted from feeling like i’m living in two places.

and helpless and insane. I don’t know how to do anything. I don’t know how to pick out a good apartment, I don’t know how to cook very well. i apparently can’t write (according to my teacher) I like to vaccum in skirts, and I bite the skin on the inside of my cheeks. I don’t own a car, I wish I did. I dont’ know how to do anything well enough to make a job of it, with the psycho exception of the alphabet. I know the alphabet, and I know it well enough to be paid an amazingly low amount to put disgusting germy games back in order for four hours a week. No one cares.

and I just sit back and let bad things, like this damn work insanity, happen to me because i have this brain impairment that makes me think “I deserve bad things that happen to me” I dont’ know where it came from. I don’t know why i have it. I just do.

and i feel like my brain is slowly leaking out my ears thanks to everywhere my mind has to be at once. School, and work and wedding plans, after wedding plans…. work and the like. New job, apartment (which i know nothing about finding a good apartment) I’m starting to just … ooze stress.

I was thinking about this quote last night. Scott was saying that he wished that people were more rational about things. It made me think of this: “Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping… …waiting… And though unwanted… …unbidden… it will stir…open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us… guides us… Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love… the clarity of hatred… and the ecstasy of grief.It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we’d know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank… Without passion, we’d be truly dead.”

I believe it. I believe that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. Indifference, the lack of passion, is what kills everyone. It’s what makes the rejected weep and neglected children exist. I always used to think that if my Dad hit me, at least i’d know how he felt about me. (not that he ever did, i’m just saying) the not knowing… that’s what kills you. The wondering if it’s true. Floundering between one place and another. Not knowing how someone feels, and then finding that person feels nothing, not good nor bad…. not evoking any sort of emotion in a person can kill you.

Passion: intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction

How can you live without it? I’m not saying you should let your passions rule you (too many people do, thus the STD out break-y non-goodness.) Let them fill you. And show restraint. I’m definitely not saying “Go out and be tempted on purpose! WHEE!” That’d just be stupid. No… Live. Be free. Feel emotions. Be angry when you’re angry, and be sad when you’re sad, and show it when you’re happy. Live in the moment of what you’re feeling. Love it.

Derringer Meryl [Do Not Seek Out Danger] Out

Homework in the morning. isn’t it a beautiful thing?

BLah. I’ll write about the weekend in a day or so. Homework and sleep beckon. *waves to sleep* as well as reading and what not. 🙂

Ta!

I got to see Akira finally. I watched it, and I don’t see what the great big fuss is about. I got a lot of people who said “I Love that Anime, it’s so great.” and a whole lot of people who said “It’s okay, It’s just … wierd.” Whatever. Either way, i could take it or leave it. Berserk blows it out of the water in gore though. The story was kinda hard to follow. I saw all the toys I owned, though one of them didn’t show up until the end. *shrugs*

I got to see Scott tonight, for like three minutes (if that) I went to stalk him at work. (hee hee) He said I should have told him so he could have taken his break at that time. I wanted to surprise him though, and that I did. Plus I wanted to show him that I wasn’t dead. Which brings up the fact that I was pretty sick all day today… or yesterday, depending on how you look at it. Anyway. I had vertigo pretty bad, i had problems walking from my bedroom to the front room. It wasn’t that my legs were weak I just ran into like fourty things from point a to point b. Sometimes it was just one thing several times…. like the wall. And I couldn’t speak. I woke up and had a little bit of a voice, but later I couldn’t speak at all (that was around lunch time) We weren’t sure if it was lack of sleep, or allergies, but I slept from two in the morning to five in the evening in pretty much one solid swoop.

I got to see Care Bear tonight too. She’s gonna be going back to Colorado soon. 🙁 I should make her come up a day early. I want to go Roller Skating with her. I want to go do something fun. Stupid School just seems to get in the way of us doing something fun together. 🙁 I can’t believe that next Wednesday she’ll be gone…. and won’t be back until the week before my wedding! How odd! She’ll be back in the fall (for another year of school) and what not, but i miss her. I want to go do something just us before I get married. Not a wedding shower, which I’m glad she’llbe coming to, but something fun that just we do. I’ve been a jerk lately (since last year?) and dragged someone else along on our fun days. :S Blah. I’m all the sudden disappointing in myself.

I’m a horrid friend sometimes. I’d drag boys along, or other friends, when it should have been just me and Care Bear having a good time. I miss when it was us as kids, and me and her sisters would play dolls or something. I remember we walked to the rec center one day, and it was SO hot. And once we were playing at my house and ordering pretend pizza and her sister wanted stuff crust pizza with marshmellows. And she loves to chase me up and down the aisles of Blockbuster (or Media Play) with Pr0n because she thinks it’s funny that i think it’s dirty. I love her. She’s great. She puts up with my stupid little things. She has stood with me through so much. Like once we liked the same guy, and he actually liked her back (and he didn’t like me) and there could have been a huge fight, and a whole lot of hate…. but There wasn’t. Because we were really open about it, and we’d known each other eight years at that point. I used to practically live at her house. She’s seen me throw up before. I’ve seen her cry. We only went to the same school for one year. We met in the first grade. We’ve flung underwear at each other in GAP body. She’s one of the funniest people I know.

And I sorta feel like a scuz bucket for not being better to her. Of course, i generally feel like a scuz bucket right now because I’m ignoring most of my friends. Like Red, who I emailed the other day, and I haven’t seen anyone from work in ages (missing out on work because of schedule follies…) I miss Guts and The Mouth. In a way i sorta miss Artemis. I miss Gert and Monkey. (Though I saw Monkey at school briefly the other day)

and Oh my Heck, it’s been forever since I talked to Marco!

Derringer Meryl [Feeling a little badly] Out

I’m beginning to like my stress management class more and more. All I’m doing is sleeping now days (Wahoo!) in class. It’s really nice. We’ve been doing these relaxation techniques, and I heard one today that I really liked. 🙂 it was short (about five minutes) and it really worked.

I slept through the other two relaxation techniques (mostly).

So while the stress is on for finals it feels like it does when you’re at the last two weeks in High school and no one wants to do anything because they’re exhausted from prepping for finals, and teachers don’t want to grade five hundred more papers, so they just cancel stuff. (I don’t mind, I just feel like i’m wasting my time) You have to go to class, because something important might happen– but you go and you wish you could have known ahead of time that you could have skipped and not missed a darn thing.

I’m so tired of going to pointless classes. Tired of doing this crappy in between here and there work. No one cares– so–

why am I here again?

I’d much rather be with Scott. This is getting infuriating. >:{

I’m beginning to feel less stressed about class though. (wahoo!) and I’m totally not worrying about the wedding so much. I don’t NEED to spaz, I have Scott helping me out (with choices and such) then my mom, and her sisters (my aunts) my wonderful sister-laws (Sukie and Antigone) are helping with a Bridal shower… and Antigone and her sister are helping with the flowers (maybe? I’m not quite sure, it’s okay either way) And Care Bear comes around and we hang out (I try to, sometimes i just suck and have to work or something) and she keeps me laughing. Seriously one of my greatest friends

The main thing here is– that i have a great support system, and i don’t need to worry about this all by myself.

Derringer Meryl [Gonna Go Check up on Red] Out

*sighs* I’m not procrastinating. Really. It’s just that this isn’t due until the 29th, and I really don’t want to analyze a film right now. especially not a pain in the butt long movie like Lord of the Rings. (The Fellowship of the Ring) which is SO long and SO boring, I want to stab my eyes out. I got assigned it in my group, while the two other people got the second movie (there’s another girl working with me on the first one.) and really all i have to do is spew about the stupid esoteric symbols in the movie for a page… but I don’t wanna.

Really.

Cause all I wanna do is talk to Scott. i want to be distracted. I don’t want to think about the huge mound of homework I have, or the fact that I still have a page and a half things I need to buy for the wedding (or pay for) and the piano player still hasn’t called back. (what a monkey.) and it’s costing a kidney and two-thirds for Scott to come visit me at home. And I keep getting the shaft at work (as in, not scheduled) so I’m basically a working gal with no income…. and a lot of out go. *starts to pull at her hair* it’d be stupid to get a new job now Up here, but it’s impossible for me to get a job down there yet (I’m still in school, and then there’s only a month until the wedding–) and… ugh! *pulls hair out* and i feel like a lazy piece of poo! I’m doing a whole lot of nothing.

BLAH!

Flowers, Garter, and where the heck is my dress? I don’t know. I don’t know much. I should probably just relax and watch as everyone else plans my wedding, cause while i do care about how it turns out, the most important part is the fact that Scott and I are going to be sealed to each other for now and forever.

I think i need that tattooed on my arm or something.

Who knows where i’m going to get the money for my temple skirt…

maybe i’ll sell some plasma… How much do they give for that Antigone. if the annoyance of a needle is worth it… i might go give it a round.

Derringer Meryl [Feeling stretched] Ou